(no subject)
what?
it is entirely too chilly in this basement, i don't think one's fingers should be cold and numb in august. this month at home has gone by so fast. the peach farm has been good, i really enjoy all of the people i work with. i actually think i will miss it all. i have a big fat crush on one boy, who wears thick rimmed glasses and plays piano and has kind of a lisp and beautiful hands and a little belly and is majoring in sociology and is kind of goofy and sweet and is wonderful with kids. i don't actually get crushes on people often, so i feel pretty much silly and creepy, but i guess that's how it goes. i laugh an awful lot when i'm at the peach farm, although really i probably laugh an awful lot everywhere i go. i am even one of those people who laughs when they are all by themselves. i am mostly good, most of the days, but i've had those moments where i completely lose it. they are more intense when i'm here. everything reminds me of something with somebody, and it's harder to breathe here. i am going to see hellogoodbye and limbeck and fun tomorrow. i am so looking forward to it. that fun ablum, aim and ignite, has probably turned into my album of the summer, and it is so beautiful and orchestrated and it makes things feel like they will be just fine. i haven't been to the hawthorne theatre since spring break, i think, and i think even just that will be nice. that place kind of feels like home. my mom and i went to the portland art museum this week. i've actually been there so many times that i've lost count, i even remember going when i was nine, but i don't ever remember going to the modern art side of the museum. it was so lovely and refreshing, but i couldn't explain why. we were there until closing, and the whole place was empty, and i saw an original duchamp. i think my mom appreciates that she can talk about art with somebody who sort-of gets it, or at least knows names. i probably only know names. i've been watching a lot of fat representation on television lately, it makes me feel kind of happy and kind of upset at the world at the same time. that's fine, i think most things do that to me. i don't even know where i'm at with that one boy. things are strange and off and i feel kind of anxious about it, but in the way that i'm used to feeling anxious. the way that i know i did it to myself, so i can't really complain. i've been there before anyway. it would have been, or i guess it would be, nice to see him when he is so close and visiting portland. and i hate that i am waiting for him to be the one to say okay, i am going to come see you, before i feel alright saying hey, i'm going to come see you. i think i realized this week that there are two kinds of people, the ones who just put themselves out there and the ones who wait until it feels safe. it felt kind of profound at the time, but i may or may not have been under influence, and clearly it sounds dumb now. haha. it is taking some getting used to seeing this big tree on my arm every time i see myself. i love it. i am so ready for fall weather. i am so ready to be in the new place with naomi! i am so ready to be back in classes. i am ready to start fresh, whatever that means.
it is entirely too chilly in this basement, i don't think one's fingers should be cold and numb in august. this month at home has gone by so fast. the peach farm has been good, i really enjoy all of the people i work with. i actually think i will miss it all. i have a big fat crush on one boy, who wears thick rimmed glasses and plays piano and has kind of a lisp and beautiful hands and a little belly and is majoring in sociology and is kind of goofy and sweet and is wonderful with kids. i don't actually get crushes on people often, so i feel pretty much silly and creepy, but i guess that's how it goes. i laugh an awful lot when i'm at the peach farm, although really i probably laugh an awful lot everywhere i go. i am even one of those people who laughs when they are all by themselves. i am mostly good, most of the days, but i've had those moments where i completely lose it. they are more intense when i'm here. everything reminds me of something with somebody, and it's harder to breathe here. i am going to see hellogoodbye and limbeck and fun tomorrow. i am so looking forward to it. that fun ablum, aim and ignite, has probably turned into my album of the summer, and it is so beautiful and orchestrated and it makes things feel like they will be just fine. i haven't been to the hawthorne theatre since spring break, i think, and i think even just that will be nice. that place kind of feels like home. my mom and i went to the portland art museum this week. i've actually been there so many times that i've lost count, i even remember going when i was nine, but i don't ever remember going to the modern art side of the museum. it was so lovely and refreshing, but i couldn't explain why. we were there until closing, and the whole place was empty, and i saw an original duchamp. i think my mom appreciates that she can talk about art with somebody who sort-of gets it, or at least knows names. i probably only know names. i've been watching a lot of fat representation on television lately, it makes me feel kind of happy and kind of upset at the world at the same time. that's fine, i think most things do that to me. i don't even know where i'm at with that one boy. things are strange and off and i feel kind of anxious about it, but in the way that i'm used to feeling anxious. the way that i know i did it to myself, so i can't really complain. i've been there before anyway. it would have been, or i guess it would be, nice to see him when he is so close and visiting portland. and i hate that i am waiting for him to be the one to say okay, i am going to come see you, before i feel alright saying hey, i'm going to come see you. i think i realized this week that there are two kinds of people, the ones who just put themselves out there and the ones who wait until it feels safe. it felt kind of profound at the time, but i may or may not have been under influence, and clearly it sounds dumb now. haha. it is taking some getting used to seeing this big tree on my arm every time i see myself. i love it. i am so ready for fall weather. i am so ready to be in the new place with naomi! i am so ready to be back in classes. i am ready to start fresh, whatever that means.