(no subject)
has it really been that long since i've updated this? i think i've been so distracted. or, for a while i was distracted, and then after that i was at least attempting to distract myself. i actually haven't been up to much lately. i mean, when i look at my planner (and i am using a planner!), i've clearly been up to things. but it doesn't actually feel like much. i think i feel like i'm not doing anything with myself when i don't have any social justice issues to feel strongly about, when nothing is really tugging at me to think and interpret and challenge. i crave that.
this has got to be one of the most beautiful things i've ever heard.
i have them often, but most often when i am truly happy: these sudden realizations that i am alive. i know that sounds silly, but do you know what i mean? just a sudden moment where i really, truly feel the weight of my life and past experiences and how they have gotten me to the place i am and what i'm feeling at in that precise moment. i think the reason i remember very specific moments, split seconds, a flash of a memory, is because a lot of them are those moments, when i snap out of whatever coma i've apparently been in and truly feel how absolutely unbelievable the entire concept of life is. i can't be the only one who does this, why does nobody else ever mention these moments? i feel like for the past few months i've been having this silly minor existential crisis, and it doesn't help that i'm figuring out how gay i am. what does one even do about that, anyways?
19 down, six more to go. i've found it really frustrating that everyone keeps saying that it's not that long, you'll keep busy and be fine, it'll be so good when you finally do see her. i hate, so much, that i have to detach myself from her a little bit to be able to make it. i feel like i've always made such a point in my life to be happy in and of myself, to not really depend on anybody too much, to not expect to much from any individual, but she makes me so, so happy. it's unfamiliar, almost scary. and when i don't get to see her, to spend my time with her and hold her and and see her smile and reallytruly feel her, those feelings are a lot harder to deal with. and i know that everybody thinks that this is what i get for choosing to be in a long-distance relationship, but if you could just see that even this is better than not having her around at all.
jordan called me from the soundcheck at the jack's mannequin show in portland tonight, during "kill the messenger". do you remember when that was my whole life? do you remember the person i was then? really i suppose i wasn't actually all that different, just less developed, less evolved, more naive, more bitter. you know, i remember the way i felt the very first time i heard that song. five years ago, almost to the day, on soco.net, right? that whole album is more like home to me than any other thing or place, really. do you remember how when i was in high school, i was at a show every single weekend? how i can't even make a list of every band i've seen because there are entirely too many? i think the past few months i've felt like a lot of my life has been turned upside down with a single realization, but i've felt so grounded lately when i listen to music from my past. like this one thing doesn't have to make me doubt or question the person i've become, because i came from something that was pretty real, too. that's comforting.
this has got to be one of the most beautiful things i've ever heard.
i have them often, but most often when i am truly happy: these sudden realizations that i am alive. i know that sounds silly, but do you know what i mean? just a sudden moment where i really, truly feel the weight of my life and past experiences and how they have gotten me to the place i am and what i'm feeling at in that precise moment. i think the reason i remember very specific moments, split seconds, a flash of a memory, is because a lot of them are those moments, when i snap out of whatever coma i've apparently been in and truly feel how absolutely unbelievable the entire concept of life is. i can't be the only one who does this, why does nobody else ever mention these moments? i feel like for the past few months i've been having this silly minor existential crisis, and it doesn't help that i'm figuring out how gay i am. what does one even do about that, anyways?
19 down, six more to go. i've found it really frustrating that everyone keeps saying that it's not that long, you'll keep busy and be fine, it'll be so good when you finally do see her. i hate, so much, that i have to detach myself from her a little bit to be able to make it. i feel like i've always made such a point in my life to be happy in and of myself, to not really depend on anybody too much, to not expect to much from any individual, but she makes me so, so happy. it's unfamiliar, almost scary. and when i don't get to see her, to spend my time with her and hold her and and see her smile and reallytruly feel her, those feelings are a lot harder to deal with. and i know that everybody thinks that this is what i get for choosing to be in a long-distance relationship, but if you could just see that even this is better than not having her around at all.
jordan called me from the soundcheck at the jack's mannequin show in portland tonight, during "kill the messenger". do you remember when that was my whole life? do you remember the person i was then? really i suppose i wasn't actually all that different, just less developed, less evolved, more naive, more bitter. you know, i remember the way i felt the very first time i heard that song. five years ago, almost to the day, on soco.net, right? that whole album is more like home to me than any other thing or place, really. do you remember how when i was in high school, i was at a show every single weekend? how i can't even make a list of every band i've seen because there are entirely too many? i think the past few months i've felt like a lot of my life has been turned upside down with a single realization, but i've felt so grounded lately when i listen to music from my past. like this one thing doesn't have to make me doubt or question the person i've become, because i came from something that was pretty real, too. that's comforting.