The Green-Eyed Monster
Well folks, I did it. I was brutally honest about my feelings in my last post. While honesty may be "the best policy", it also comes with consequences. Turns out that even with her blessing beforehand, my feelings were more than my friend Fertile Myrtle could handle, and she is no longer speaking to me. I don't blame her. I put her business out there, and publicly criticized her choices. I take full responsibility for that. However, there were a few things I feel I need to expand upon.
Let me start by saying I am sorry. I am sorry if I hurt any of my friends with my feelings. I am sorry I felt this way. I have jealousy issues. I know that it's not healthy, and I don't know how to stop it.
I don't think FM is a horrible person, or that she don't deserve kids or happiness. I don't think I deserve a family more than she or any of my other friends do. That comment was directed towards my niece's mom, and people like her. Even then, obviously, those decisions aren't mine to make. Hell, I don't even know if I would have waited if I were in FM's shoes. I may have made the same choice she did. I don't know. I wasn't thinking rationally at the time. Maybe I should have said that before. Maybe I should've been more discreet in what I was posting, though I don't know that it would have made a difference.
I know it is/was wrong to judge. That is one of my flaws. I do it to everyone. It probably stems from my need to fit in and be recognized so I'm not left out. I'm pretty paranoid of that. I know that my life would be much happier if I could stop comparing myself to others, but I don't know how. Just when I think I'm making progress, something happens and I realize I'm not. I have thought about therapy to deal with this issue before, but have never been sure where to start with something like that. I guess now would be a good time. I have been thinking about it more and more since my reaction to her announcement. I know it is that bad. R & I even had a talk about my waning belief in God. The idea that that would torpedo our relationship was out there too.
Not to make light of this in any way, but Yoda was right. "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."
My anger came from fear. I am terrified at what I may have to go through. Even if I do end up with a healthy child at the end of all this, what will I have to go through to get there? The experiences of others like me have been incredibly tough. Miscarriages, premature birth, preterm labor-sometimes multiple times, ordered bedrest for the last few months of pregnancy. It doesn't stop there. What is this going to cost? Healthcare isn't free here, you know. Will my insurance pay for it? They're still reviewing my HSG for payment. I haven't gotten any bills yet, but who knows what they will be. Will my employer be okay with my needed time off? Right now I have a night job, but should I put my career goals to the side until after baby? How long will that take? Checkups may be fine for time off (they would be every other week), but what about any complications? What if I need surgery beforehand? These are all very real concerns, that I'm discussing with R. And at the same time, I could have an unevenful pregnancy with none of this, aside from the close monitoring and a C-section. My mind can't help but go to the worst case though. I feel that I have to wrap my head around that so that I can face it if need be. I do this with everything, and that's probably not healthy either.
In case there are still doubts, let me be clear, I do NOT wish this on anybody. I allowed my fear to turn into anger and hostility toward my friend, and for that I am sorry. I'm not surprised that she's done with me. I was more surprised she encouraged me to be so open. Needless to say, she was not expecting what came of it. I don't expect this to fix anything. What I said was atrocious, but I hope that everyone can believe what I'm saying here. I do wish you luck with your family and I do hope that everything works out for you, FM. I apologize again for putting my negativity and unneeded stress on you.
**Sidenote: I have picked up the book Conquering Infertility, by Dr. Alice D. Domar at the recommendation of fellow blogger Expectant Hope. It is designed to help those process their fear, anger and resentment in the face of infertility. I hope that it can be a good place to start in helping me with my issues.
Let me start by saying I am sorry. I am sorry if I hurt any of my friends with my feelings. I am sorry I felt this way. I have jealousy issues. I know that it's not healthy, and I don't know how to stop it.
I don't think FM is a horrible person, or that she don't deserve kids or happiness. I don't think I deserve a family more than she or any of my other friends do. That comment was directed towards my niece's mom, and people like her. Even then, obviously, those decisions aren't mine to make. Hell, I don't even know if I would have waited if I were in FM's shoes. I may have made the same choice she did. I don't know. I wasn't thinking rationally at the time. Maybe I should have said that before. Maybe I should've been more discreet in what I was posting, though I don't know that it would have made a difference.
I know it is/was wrong to judge. That is one of my flaws. I do it to everyone. It probably stems from my need to fit in and be recognized so I'm not left out. I'm pretty paranoid of that. I know that my life would be much happier if I could stop comparing myself to others, but I don't know how. Just when I think I'm making progress, something happens and I realize I'm not. I have thought about therapy to deal with this issue before, but have never been sure where to start with something like that. I guess now would be a good time. I have been thinking about it more and more since my reaction to her announcement. I know it is that bad. R & I even had a talk about my waning belief in God. The idea that that would torpedo our relationship was out there too.
Not to make light of this in any way, but Yoda was right. "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."
My anger came from fear. I am terrified at what I may have to go through. Even if I do end up with a healthy child at the end of all this, what will I have to go through to get there? The experiences of others like me have been incredibly tough. Miscarriages, premature birth, preterm labor-sometimes multiple times, ordered bedrest for the last few months of pregnancy. It doesn't stop there. What is this going to cost? Healthcare isn't free here, you know. Will my insurance pay for it? They're still reviewing my HSG for payment. I haven't gotten any bills yet, but who knows what they will be. Will my employer be okay with my needed time off? Right now I have a night job, but should I put my career goals to the side until after baby? How long will that take? Checkups may be fine for time off (they would be every other week), but what about any complications? What if I need surgery beforehand? These are all very real concerns, that I'm discussing with R. And at the same time, I could have an unevenful pregnancy with none of this, aside from the close monitoring and a C-section. My mind can't help but go to the worst case though. I feel that I have to wrap my head around that so that I can face it if need be. I do this with everything, and that's probably not healthy either.
In case there are still doubts, let me be clear, I do NOT wish this on anybody. I allowed my fear to turn into anger and hostility toward my friend, and for that I am sorry. I'm not surprised that she's done with me. I was more surprised she encouraged me to be so open. Needless to say, she was not expecting what came of it. I don't expect this to fix anything. What I said was atrocious, but I hope that everyone can believe what I'm saying here. I do wish you luck with your family and I do hope that everything works out for you, FM. I apologize again for putting my negativity and unneeded stress on you.
**Sidenote: I have picked up the book Conquering Infertility, by Dr. Alice D. Domar at the recommendation of fellow blogger Expectant Hope. It is designed to help those process their fear, anger and resentment in the face of infertility. I hope that it can be a good place to start in helping me with my issues.