The Fallout
***In this post, I share some of the darkest feelings I've had in some time. If sharing of this nature upsets you, please skip it.***
A friend of mine had recently started trying to conceive. She's been very successful in the past and gotten pregnant the first time, as well as without even trying. Let's call her "Fertile Myrtle" or FM. Since I had been trying for 8 months already, to no avail, I was a little discouraged to possibly be sharing the spotlight with a friend on #3 when I was still working toward #1 (especially since it's come so easy for her in the past), but I can't control the lives of others so I'd just have to get over it. I thought for sure my time was coming. I wasn't super worried. Then she told in me that her husband was having to find another job, and she was still only working part-time, and was not in a position to become the financial support of the family. I admit I was relieved. Now I'll get my chance to shine. Come on Mr. Stork! She already had 2 kids, and now that the timing was turning out badly for her, I thought with her being such a planner, that she would wait. Nope. FM and her family decided to press on. And I judged her for that. But after a month or two, she hadn't gotten pregnant right away, so I just reassured her "it's not the right time, and God knows it." She agreed and we moved on. I started talking about going to the doctor because I could tell by my chart that something wasn't right with my cycle, and it was really starting to worry me. Then she started to echo my concerns regarding her own delay in getting pregnant. I thought to myself "Uh, you've only been at it 3 months. Calm down. You don't need to worry yet. I've been trying a lot longer, and so have a lot of women in the fertility group we were both a part of." But I said nothing of it to her. "There has to be a scientific explanation, " she would say. I would halfheartedly agree, "Maybe so. If you feel that way, go get checked out."
The day after my diagnosis, I laid in bed and scrolled through Facebook as I typically do. I was almost immediately met with some news that flipped a switch in me. FM was pregnant. She had posted to our fertility group, and was met with a flood of support. I. Was. Pissed. How? How could this happen? I knew she wasn't sick. She's not sick like me. Her family isn't even stable right now. What is she going to do with a baby on the way? She was MISERABLE during the last pregnancy and would tell anyone who would listen, or that may consider having children not to do it. That she wouldn't do it again. What did I do to end up a disfigured mockery of a woman? To face such difficulty ahead to achieve something she can do with such ease? To top it off, she was posting that she was nervous about this one sticking since it "wasn't easy", and she "really worked for it" this time. Are you effing kidding me? What nerve. Just cause it took more than a couple cycles to get it does, does not constitute "really trying". You did the normal amount of try. You didn't suffer. You didn't have to go through invasive exams, or multiple blood tests. It's highly unlikely that you will have any of the complications that I will have to fight against. And not just me, but other women in our group! There are women who have been trying for much longer than even me, who have had multiple miscarriages. How dare you flaunt your 4 months of "trying" as worrisome or concerning. You know nothing about the worry or concern of infertility, so don't. Just don't. If you were really worried about the ability to carry your baby, perhaps you wouldn't have chosen to get pregnant during such a tumultuous time for your family. But nope. You wanted a baby. After all the bitching about your last pregnancy, and all the misery you were apparently in, why not do it again but under financial pressure this time. Should be fun.
It didn't end there. I thought of another person who recently fell pregnant, and who, in my eyes, didn't deserve it. My niece's mother. She's not married, and is now on baby #4 with baby-daddy #4. She's due in July. This chick has blatently disrespected my family in more ways than I can count. Including coming to my mother's house while pregnant with #2 and asking her to help her "deal with it". Yes. She went there. She told her sob story, and spent about 2-3 months at my mother's before heading out claiming WE were using HER!! How could SHE be blessed with a healthy & complete uterus to keep having child after child despite not being ready or even a decent human being, but not me? WTF??!!
Alright God. Start explaining. What did I do? What did my mother do? What did my ancestors do? The sins of the father and all that jazz. How could I have pissed Him off before even being formed in the womb to deserve this?
There is no explanation. There is no reason. These thoughts led me to question "Is there even a God?" How could there be? "Things happen for a reason," people say. Oh yeah, give me the reason for this. Help me understand why I'm being chosen to face so much turmoil. If you can break it down for me and outline the life lesson I'm supposed to be gleening from this, maybe I won't want to punch every pregnant woman I see in the stomach. That's how much rage I had in me. Maybe my atheist friends are right. Maybe there isn't a God. I've always believed in a balance of science and faith, but my faith was failing me. Is this how one becomes a non-believer? I had no where to turn for answers. Prayer wasn't going to work. It hadn't so far. Science needed more data before drawing substantial conclusions. So I turned to the internet again to see if I couldn't find some ray of hope. I started by hiding my friends who are pregnant or who post lots of baby pictures. I just can't handle it right now. I will be lost to the dark side forever if I don't qwell this rage.
That's when I found it. A blog from another unicorn. Her diagnosis was in 2012, and today she has 2 healthy children. I had found success stories in forums, but they were much older. They did offer me hope, but I didn't know much about their struggle, so it was hard to fully invest in it. Each day that passed, I was becoming less and less angry. But this blog was what I needed to not feel empty inside. I haven't decided if I am ready to fully "believe" again, but at least I don't want to murder people. That's improvement in my book. I still don't understand the "Why" yet, I maybe I never will. But I found the hope I was looking for. Quite literally, as a matter of fact. Note the name of the blog: https://ExpectantHope.wordpress.com/. The author's name is Hope, and she is WAY more optomistic detailing her journey than I will be, but she is what inspired me to write about my experience. You can blame/thank her.
***Update--FM and I have been in contact before I put this out, and she gave me her blessing to be completely honest about my feelings. She admits that when she struggled with post-partum, she would see happy pregnant women and think "I'm happy for you, but eff you, and eff your baby". She has been supportive of my struggle in her own way, and as I said to her just yesterday, she is making it very hard for me to hate her. So this is for you, Fertile Myrtle. Ultimately, I'm happy for you, but eff you, and eff your baby. In the best way possible. I promise I will not punch you in the stomach. :)