oh my
only 6 more weeks. i cannot wait for it to be all over! i'm completely dreading this week of work though. as of sunday there was like 130 people already on reservations for wednesday night which is when i work the station myself and thursday-sunday all around 300+ reservations. i already want to shoot myself in my face. after this week everyone leaves and the restaurant is basically deserted it's just a matter of getting through this week.
i'm surprised i haven't been stabbed yet. my chef decided to get a 2 foot microphone so he can yell into it orders that no one can understand that echoes through our entire 100 foot (maybe) kitchen. he expedited on thursday which they made me work the line. i made the mistake of asking my chef for an all day and he literally gave me the stare of death. dan saw and was just starring at me with a giant smile. he gave the all day to me begrudgingly and i said thank you chef and turned around in almost horror. later in the night alex asked me to ask my chef if the portion of chilean sea bass that i had was appropriate for two. and at the sound of my voice he literally cringed. thank god i've come to take everything he and mostly everyone else does with a grain of salt because had this happened within the first 8 weeks of extern i think i would have excused myself to the bathroom and sat and cried.
dan thought it was hysterical. i thought i might have been the only one who really saw it. dan was so amused by it and the fact that i can annoy my chef so much. kelly asked how my night was and i replied "i'm surprised he didn't stab me". she thought it was funny too but said not to worry about it. i swear the only thing that makes me look good is manu. i'm afraid of how my chef will grade me. i wish dan was grading me, he works with me every day and is more or less my "culinary mentor" (kelly's my "pastry mentor"). he said that it's too bad he's not grading me because i'd be doing pretty well.
i like working on sundays; we all just sit and bullshit. dan, kelly, pam, and i just bullshitted about life and the meaning of life and philosophy and all of this stuff. dan's really interesting, i think if we went to college together we'd probably be friends although he's semi-anti-social.
this week's also going to be long because tomorrow is the 29th. it would have been the 4 year mark for me and ryan. it's just sad because i have to work and work by myself. all i do is think so for once, i'm hoping bj sits and annoys me all day so i don't sit and think and cry like i used to when we first broke up. i remember being there on a wednesday and at family meal just crying hysterically and having everyone in the kitchen just look at me like i was fucking crazy and didn't say anything. then again, they were all males. i think i'm doing pretty well considering that i haven't really given myself the time to just sit and grieve and mope because i've had to work full time. since i can't grieve tomorrow i'm spending tonight just being a pathetic baby. i was at the bakery today and this stupid katherine mcphee song came on from helene's cd and i literally had to hold back crying. i keep listening to it though because it's like my "death" songs. it makes you want to die inside but you can't stop hitting the repeat button.
i know it's stupid considering we still talk and hang out and want on some level to be with each other. i'm actually the one hesitating getting back together more than he is. he wants to and i'm persistent on being single for a while because a. i deserve it and b. he needs to grow up. it's not so much of a sadness that we broke up as it is a saddness in general. sadness that i let myself be in a relationship that i was miserable in, a relationship that killed my spirit, in part really, a death of myself. i look back and can't honestly feel like i was totally myself from the past few years. the last time i truly was was in albany. and then of course the deterioration of our relationship. alyana, the panic attacks, the distrust. it just consumed me as a whole and made me such an unhappy person. i just never thought it'd end this way or i'd put myself in a situation like this. i know a lot of my friends judge me for still talking to him and wanting to get back together with him eventually but i don't think anyone can fully understand what i feel like and be in my position. no one's been in such a long term relationship and then have it completely deteriorate in front of your eyes. i'm just mourning a lot of things. i am happy being single; it's very freeing but i mean it doesn't change who i was for the past almost 4 years.
plus a lot of my friends aren't around. cait offered for me to stay in the city with her for the night but i have stupid work. and working is draining and time consuming. i still don't know how this all happened. the funny thing is i went to lunch with my friend katelyn from high school and she and her boyfriend just broke up. same general situation of little things like differences in interests and age (he's two years younger too) and just everything. it was comforting at least to know that even in 2 years, because he's my age, nothing changes.
i just hate also being home by myself and not being at college. i miss that.
thankfully cait comes home this weekend and i know next week the rest of our "dinner club" that's left (all 3 of us at this point) will probably go out to dinner tuesday. i just need to get through tomorrow. i just need to get through this week and then it's all over and i can breathe again.
so here goes to self-pitying for the next few hours with some wine and some sad music. i think i owe it to myself. i've been so strong this entire summer and i think i need to allow myself to have a weak moment.
i'm surprised i haven't been stabbed yet. my chef decided to get a 2 foot microphone so he can yell into it orders that no one can understand that echoes through our entire 100 foot (maybe) kitchen. he expedited on thursday which they made me work the line. i made the mistake of asking my chef for an all day and he literally gave me the stare of death. dan saw and was just starring at me with a giant smile. he gave the all day to me begrudgingly and i said thank you chef and turned around in almost horror. later in the night alex asked me to ask my chef if the portion of chilean sea bass that i had was appropriate for two. and at the sound of my voice he literally cringed. thank god i've come to take everything he and mostly everyone else does with a grain of salt because had this happened within the first 8 weeks of extern i think i would have excused myself to the bathroom and sat and cried.
dan thought it was hysterical. i thought i might have been the only one who really saw it. dan was so amused by it and the fact that i can annoy my chef so much. kelly asked how my night was and i replied "i'm surprised he didn't stab me". she thought it was funny too but said not to worry about it. i swear the only thing that makes me look good is manu. i'm afraid of how my chef will grade me. i wish dan was grading me, he works with me every day and is more or less my "culinary mentor" (kelly's my "pastry mentor"). he said that it's too bad he's not grading me because i'd be doing pretty well.
i like working on sundays; we all just sit and bullshit. dan, kelly, pam, and i just bullshitted about life and the meaning of life and philosophy and all of this stuff. dan's really interesting, i think if we went to college together we'd probably be friends although he's semi-anti-social.
this week's also going to be long because tomorrow is the 29th. it would have been the 4 year mark for me and ryan. it's just sad because i have to work and work by myself. all i do is think so for once, i'm hoping bj sits and annoys me all day so i don't sit and think and cry like i used to when we first broke up. i remember being there on a wednesday and at family meal just crying hysterically and having everyone in the kitchen just look at me like i was fucking crazy and didn't say anything. then again, they were all males. i think i'm doing pretty well considering that i haven't really given myself the time to just sit and grieve and mope because i've had to work full time. since i can't grieve tomorrow i'm spending tonight just being a pathetic baby. i was at the bakery today and this stupid katherine mcphee song came on from helene's cd and i literally had to hold back crying. i keep listening to it though because it's like my "death" songs. it makes you want to die inside but you can't stop hitting the repeat button.
i know it's stupid considering we still talk and hang out and want on some level to be with each other. i'm actually the one hesitating getting back together more than he is. he wants to and i'm persistent on being single for a while because a. i deserve it and b. he needs to grow up. it's not so much of a sadness that we broke up as it is a saddness in general. sadness that i let myself be in a relationship that i was miserable in, a relationship that killed my spirit, in part really, a death of myself. i look back and can't honestly feel like i was totally myself from the past few years. the last time i truly was was in albany. and then of course the deterioration of our relationship. alyana, the panic attacks, the distrust. it just consumed me as a whole and made me such an unhappy person. i just never thought it'd end this way or i'd put myself in a situation like this. i know a lot of my friends judge me for still talking to him and wanting to get back together with him eventually but i don't think anyone can fully understand what i feel like and be in my position. no one's been in such a long term relationship and then have it completely deteriorate in front of your eyes. i'm just mourning a lot of things. i am happy being single; it's very freeing but i mean it doesn't change who i was for the past almost 4 years.
plus a lot of my friends aren't around. cait offered for me to stay in the city with her for the night but i have stupid work. and working is draining and time consuming. i still don't know how this all happened. the funny thing is i went to lunch with my friend katelyn from high school and she and her boyfriend just broke up. same general situation of little things like differences in interests and age (he's two years younger too) and just everything. it was comforting at least to know that even in 2 years, because he's my age, nothing changes.
i just hate also being home by myself and not being at college. i miss that.
thankfully cait comes home this weekend and i know next week the rest of our "dinner club" that's left (all 3 of us at this point) will probably go out to dinner tuesday. i just need to get through tomorrow. i just need to get through this week and then it's all over and i can breathe again.
so here goes to self-pitying for the next few hours with some wine and some sad music. i think i owe it to myself. i've been so strong this entire summer and i think i need to allow myself to have a weak moment.