(no subject)
i feel like i've done nothing productive this summer. except for thinking. and now summer is basically over and everyone will go away to school and i'll be here, still thinking and not being able to make a decision.
i'm 1/2 okay with it 1/2 freaking out about it. i hate doing the line and don't really have an interest in culinary. but i'm more than 1/2 way through my program. i come back and graduate in 6 months. but i hate it. i started thinking about what i'd do with it. there's no way right out of culinary school i'd be working at food and wine. not even with john nihoff's connections. not writing at least. and for the most part in the food writing industry, if you can even call it that, it's so specific and narrow most of the people in it are freelance and do other things on the side or are "seasoned" professionals.
this all began the first day of culinary school in the kitchen and continued until about last week. i have been nothing but beaten down and bullied. every asshole in the culinary industry has found me and tortured me to some degree. and i got fed up with it. i don't even like it. no one has the time to teach me because i am still very green to the kitchen. and i have questions. and whenever i asked a question the response was like why the fuck are you asking me? i don't care about your question. i have never felt so stupid in my life but i'm over it. the only reason it ended, at least on my extern for the most part is that we got a new extern from I.C.E. and he can't do much of anything. i feel like now in the restaurant at least they appreciate my knowledge and abilities. i can actually PREFORM. they said there's no question in their minds that they can't put him on the line. i can work a line on a busy saturday night without any problems when we're serving 350+ people. shouldn't that mean something? at least it does now. pam told me that alex said that it wasn't a problem if BJ took 2 people to the catering party because he had me and i was good and knew what i was doing. made me feel like i was worth something. i also got to sear the salmon for service, which is something that usually only BJ or someone does. i think they all realized that i know what i'm doing despite not having a lot of common sense. and not only do i know what i'm doing, but i do it WELL.
but after being completely fed up with all the bullshit that goes along with culinary though i really began to start and think. i love baking and pastry. i'm good at it. without any formal training within 2 weeks of starting at the restaurant i worked the station by myself. i make up specials and do all these awesome things. i wouldn't be able to think of a special for culinary or even how to tweak a recipe. i don't really have the interest in it. i've always wanted to do pastry. after i graduated culinary i'd have it to have it but not use it. i'd love to work in a bakery and even with the early hours, i wouldn't be phased. well in any case, kelly and i had a long discussion over it because basically at this point she's my mentor and told me to go get a job in a reputable bakery. so i did. within 3 days i got an apprenticeship at sweet karma baking company. i don't know if i'm getting lucky with baking/pastry or if the people in it are just generally nice and want you to learn but oh my god. the chef/owner of the patisserie is amazingly nice and wants me to learn everything. i met with him yesterday and he just rambled off all these things i'd be learning and doing and i was just so excited. it just feels right.
but now i don't know what to do with my schooling. i'm so over switching and starting over. i'm so over school in general. so now i spend all day just thinking of what i should do. it has my full concentration so i don't even think about what i'm doing with ryan or other aspects of my life. because i just don't know. i can't be in a relationship or think of someone else right now because i have no idea what the hell i'm doing with my life.
it's all exciting and confusing at the same time. but i think i'm finally finding my way.
i'm 1/2 okay with it 1/2 freaking out about it. i hate doing the line and don't really have an interest in culinary. but i'm more than 1/2 way through my program. i come back and graduate in 6 months. but i hate it. i started thinking about what i'd do with it. there's no way right out of culinary school i'd be working at food and wine. not even with john nihoff's connections. not writing at least. and for the most part in the food writing industry, if you can even call it that, it's so specific and narrow most of the people in it are freelance and do other things on the side or are "seasoned" professionals.
this all began the first day of culinary school in the kitchen and continued until about last week. i have been nothing but beaten down and bullied. every asshole in the culinary industry has found me and tortured me to some degree. and i got fed up with it. i don't even like it. no one has the time to teach me because i am still very green to the kitchen. and i have questions. and whenever i asked a question the response was like why the fuck are you asking me? i don't care about your question. i have never felt so stupid in my life but i'm over it. the only reason it ended, at least on my extern for the most part is that we got a new extern from I.C.E. and he can't do much of anything. i feel like now in the restaurant at least they appreciate my knowledge and abilities. i can actually PREFORM. they said there's no question in their minds that they can't put him on the line. i can work a line on a busy saturday night without any problems when we're serving 350+ people. shouldn't that mean something? at least it does now. pam told me that alex said that it wasn't a problem if BJ took 2 people to the catering party because he had me and i was good and knew what i was doing. made me feel like i was worth something. i also got to sear the salmon for service, which is something that usually only BJ or someone does. i think they all realized that i know what i'm doing despite not having a lot of common sense. and not only do i know what i'm doing, but i do it WELL.
but after being completely fed up with all the bullshit that goes along with culinary though i really began to start and think. i love baking and pastry. i'm good at it. without any formal training within 2 weeks of starting at the restaurant i worked the station by myself. i make up specials and do all these awesome things. i wouldn't be able to think of a special for culinary or even how to tweak a recipe. i don't really have the interest in it. i've always wanted to do pastry. after i graduated culinary i'd have it to have it but not use it. i'd love to work in a bakery and even with the early hours, i wouldn't be phased. well in any case, kelly and i had a long discussion over it because basically at this point she's my mentor and told me to go get a job in a reputable bakery. so i did. within 3 days i got an apprenticeship at sweet karma baking company. i don't know if i'm getting lucky with baking/pastry or if the people in it are just generally nice and want you to learn but oh my god. the chef/owner of the patisserie is amazingly nice and wants me to learn everything. i met with him yesterday and he just rambled off all these things i'd be learning and doing and i was just so excited. it just feels right.
but now i don't know what to do with my schooling. i'm so over switching and starting over. i'm so over school in general. so now i spend all day just thinking of what i should do. it has my full concentration so i don't even think about what i'm doing with ryan or other aspects of my life. because i just don't know. i can't be in a relationship or think of someone else right now because i have no idea what the hell i'm doing with my life.
it's all exciting and confusing at the same time. but i think i'm finally finding my way.