(no subject)
i haven't written in this in a while. i've been semi-avoiding it. part of me has a lot to write and the other part has nothing to write.
i have no idea what's going on in my life anymore. i've stopped trying to control it. i base my life around scrubs nowadays. i'm not in control of anything in my life except for scubs and i'm okay with that. i don't have the answers to my questions and i've stopped looking for them. i kind of enjoy being single honestly. ryan has already regretted his decision and is attempting to make strides to "get me back" but i told him it's going to take a lot of work on his part because i'm not going through this shit for a third time. plus i deserve better than i was being treated and i just got both feet on the ground and i love it. i haven't been this happy in a while. we still spend time with each other because we enjoy it not because we have to and out of obligation. that's what i don't miss; the guilt and obligation of a relationship or at least the relationship we had.
i had a really great birthday. i have the best friends and loved ones in the entire world. i've never felt so special all within a few days! first a surprise brunch and then a surprise tex-mex party done all out. it was awesome and i was so surprised. no one's ever done something so nice for me like that before. on my birthday itself i got super, super wasted told everyone it was my birthday and i had double ds and then proceeded to throw up in my shower.
i wish i had more time off to enjoy myself. i hate my job. i'm sorry, i really do. i am good at what i do and shouldn't be treated like i'm a fucking moron. i thought of why i might be so dissatisfied and i realized it's because of bj; he can just be such a pretentious asshole. he ruins my entire day. he just watches and critiques everything i do. when he does talk to me it's like "whatcha doing? fucking shit up?" like granted i'm not the best in the kitchen but then again i don't want to work in one! newsflash. i got kicked off the line the other night after i did an awesome job which is about the most embarassing thing that can happen and i didn't even do anything wrong. it's just awful. i've never felt so not confident in myself until i went to culinary school. coming to extern i realized that yeah i don't have to be the best, i don't want to be in a kitchen and that's OKAY. i also can get the job done on the line if needed though and that should be recognized which it barely is. thank god for alex though; i work with him on saute on weekends and he's just wonderful. "ohh baby, that's great! what a great job! that plate is beautiful!" and it's just nice to hear that instead of "what'd you fuck up this time". it makes it dreadful to even go to work knowing that it's totally life-consuming and it's not enjoyable being there for the most part.
i don't know if i mentioned i got a 6 inch tattoo of a spoon on my right side. i like it a lot. i miss my friends from school. it's comforting to know they hate their externship just as much as i do. i want to get back to school so i can graduate. people that do bachelors must be insane. i think after i graduate john and i are going to live in florence for a year and go to the culinary institute of florence. they have a food communications program there which they don't offer anywhere in the states which i think i could benefit from. plus, i want to live abroad since i probably won't be able to at any other time unless i work there in a kitchen.
i had the most delicious colombian food tonight. and i'm majorly excited because tomorrow i get bulgogi!! i've been craving korean food for weeks now. i sit and dream about the food in asias and americas. it's bizarre to miss school food but it's so delicious. i miss my free time too. i used to have a life and i miss it. i wish i worked less. life is good i guess..now if only i could lose weight everything would be mildly perfect.
scrubs is on. tgfs. i think it's the only tv show i feel compelled to watch because it makes me feel good. it's my anti-drug.
i have no idea what's going on in my life anymore. i've stopped trying to control it. i base my life around scrubs nowadays. i'm not in control of anything in my life except for scubs and i'm okay with that. i don't have the answers to my questions and i've stopped looking for them. i kind of enjoy being single honestly. ryan has already regretted his decision and is attempting to make strides to "get me back" but i told him it's going to take a lot of work on his part because i'm not going through this shit for a third time. plus i deserve better than i was being treated and i just got both feet on the ground and i love it. i haven't been this happy in a while. we still spend time with each other because we enjoy it not because we have to and out of obligation. that's what i don't miss; the guilt and obligation of a relationship or at least the relationship we had.
i had a really great birthday. i have the best friends and loved ones in the entire world. i've never felt so special all within a few days! first a surprise brunch and then a surprise tex-mex party done all out. it was awesome and i was so surprised. no one's ever done something so nice for me like that before. on my birthday itself i got super, super wasted told everyone it was my birthday and i had double ds and then proceeded to throw up in my shower.
i wish i had more time off to enjoy myself. i hate my job. i'm sorry, i really do. i am good at what i do and shouldn't be treated like i'm a fucking moron. i thought of why i might be so dissatisfied and i realized it's because of bj; he can just be such a pretentious asshole. he ruins my entire day. he just watches and critiques everything i do. when he does talk to me it's like "whatcha doing? fucking shit up?" like granted i'm not the best in the kitchen but then again i don't want to work in one! newsflash. i got kicked off the line the other night after i did an awesome job which is about the most embarassing thing that can happen and i didn't even do anything wrong. it's just awful. i've never felt so not confident in myself until i went to culinary school. coming to extern i realized that yeah i don't have to be the best, i don't want to be in a kitchen and that's OKAY. i also can get the job done on the line if needed though and that should be recognized which it barely is. thank god for alex though; i work with him on saute on weekends and he's just wonderful. "ohh baby, that's great! what a great job! that plate is beautiful!" and it's just nice to hear that instead of "what'd you fuck up this time". it makes it dreadful to even go to work knowing that it's totally life-consuming and it's not enjoyable being there for the most part.
i don't know if i mentioned i got a 6 inch tattoo of a spoon on my right side. i like it a lot. i miss my friends from school. it's comforting to know they hate their externship just as much as i do. i want to get back to school so i can graduate. people that do bachelors must be insane. i think after i graduate john and i are going to live in florence for a year and go to the culinary institute of florence. they have a food communications program there which they don't offer anywhere in the states which i think i could benefit from. plus, i want to live abroad since i probably won't be able to at any other time unless i work there in a kitchen.
i had the most delicious colombian food tonight. and i'm majorly excited because tomorrow i get bulgogi!! i've been craving korean food for weeks now. i sit and dream about the food in asias and americas. it's bizarre to miss school food but it's so delicious. i miss my free time too. i used to have a life and i miss it. i wish i worked less. life is good i guess..now if only i could lose weight everything would be mildly perfect.
scrubs is on. tgfs. i think it's the only tv show i feel compelled to watch because it makes me feel good. it's my anti-drug.