(no subject)
haven't written in this in a while. i've been meaning to but it's just, i don't know. i shouldn't even be making excuses because it's my journal.
i just finished week 16. if i've learned anything these past weeks it's that a. bj is an asshole b. everything is perception and c. it's the little victories that make a difference.
i don't think i really need to explain a, as it's his nature to be an asshole and him, the world, and I know this. everything is perception and i don't know if i make up the my abilities or lack thereof. i don't know why i'm continuously searching for some sort of reward or praise. i guess because no one thinks twice about being like WHAT ARE YOU DOING? aka bj who says this to me approximately 10+ times a day. he thinks it's hilarious. i almost stabbed him the other day when he decided to embarass me in front of everyone. he asked me to prep for squash soup i asked him what size he wanted it because he's a super control freak and as a courtesy because it was his soup. he's like UH, aren't you a COOK? YOU figure it out. and i was like god, fuck you! i was just asking. so i mumble and grumble and get the squash and start peeling and cutting it and he takes some and cuts it. i'm not paying attention to his cutting and i cut it like i would if i was making it and he's like it doesn't have to be THAT SMALL! and i was like OH THAT'S FUNNY BECAUSE ABOUT A MINUTE AGO I ASKED WHAT SIZE YOU WANTED AND YOU IGNORED ME. FUNNY ISN'T IT?
with the little victories it makes all the difference. like the other day i was feeling as if wow lauren, go back to liberal arts school you fuck up when kelly asked me to make pastry cream. and i made it-perfectly. no lumps, no burning, no nothing. i was so proud i was probably beaming. dan came over and was like how could you have managed to do this on your own without your mentor and life coach helping you each step of the way? bj is my "mentor" and "life coach" because he's always up my ass. it's like he likes to play teacher or father or some sort of authoritative figure to make himself feel special. it's a good thing i don't take him seriously.
speaking of little victories i now work on hot apps with mattias the guatalmalean devil. he has gotten better but he's still the devil to some point. i work that station like it's the back of my hand now. i'm really proud of myself because i used to shaddow there with pam when i first got here and the one time i tired to work the station mattias yelled at me the entire time and bj basically pushed me off and took over because he had nothing to do which nearly reduced me to tears. it's such a confidence booster. i know, i'm lame. whatever!
i'm almost done with my externship. it's so sad and as much as i hate it sometimes i'm really going to miss it there. speaking of missing my name has gone from laurena to just baby now. and every time alex says it i just want to reach out and hug him because it reminds me so much of when paul called me baby. which makes me miss everyone from albs. i talk to karin just about daily and i really just want to go back to albany and live it up a little. sans the drug experience i had last time i lived it up a little too much. i had the best/craziest friends up there. and no one does dance parties like they do. i miss that. i love a good dance party.
still don't know what i'm doing with my life. i feel like i'm constantly wandering. want to open my own bakery/patisserie/restaurant-cafe thing but who knows the way to get there. want to do something with women's studies. i should just make and sell vagina cookies. who knows, who knows. i try not to think about it much because it just all confuses me and then i wonder-how the fuck did i get here?
i've changed so much though. i'm so much happier. i have a lot less clutter and bullshit in my life. it's so wonderful what being worried about your own wants and needs does for you. it's okay to be "a little selfish" as i pathetically describe it. i'm still trying to find my way. but thank god for gap jeans and scrubs.
you know it's the end of the work week when you get out of bed and begin to limp from standing on your feet so long and you have gigantic bags under your eyes.
i just finished week 16. if i've learned anything these past weeks it's that a. bj is an asshole b. everything is perception and c. it's the little victories that make a difference.
i don't think i really need to explain a, as it's his nature to be an asshole and him, the world, and I know this. everything is perception and i don't know if i make up the my abilities or lack thereof. i don't know why i'm continuously searching for some sort of reward or praise. i guess because no one thinks twice about being like WHAT ARE YOU DOING? aka bj who says this to me approximately 10+ times a day. he thinks it's hilarious. i almost stabbed him the other day when he decided to embarass me in front of everyone. he asked me to prep for squash soup i asked him what size he wanted it because he's a super control freak and as a courtesy because it was his soup. he's like UH, aren't you a COOK? YOU figure it out. and i was like god, fuck you! i was just asking. so i mumble and grumble and get the squash and start peeling and cutting it and he takes some and cuts it. i'm not paying attention to his cutting and i cut it like i would if i was making it and he's like it doesn't have to be THAT SMALL! and i was like OH THAT'S FUNNY BECAUSE ABOUT A MINUTE AGO I ASKED WHAT SIZE YOU WANTED AND YOU IGNORED ME. FUNNY ISN'T IT?
with the little victories it makes all the difference. like the other day i was feeling as if wow lauren, go back to liberal arts school you fuck up when kelly asked me to make pastry cream. and i made it-perfectly. no lumps, no burning, no nothing. i was so proud i was probably beaming. dan came over and was like how could you have managed to do this on your own without your mentor and life coach helping you each step of the way? bj is my "mentor" and "life coach" because he's always up my ass. it's like he likes to play teacher or father or some sort of authoritative figure to make himself feel special. it's a good thing i don't take him seriously.
speaking of little victories i now work on hot apps with mattias the guatalmalean devil. he has gotten better but he's still the devil to some point. i work that station like it's the back of my hand now. i'm really proud of myself because i used to shaddow there with pam when i first got here and the one time i tired to work the station mattias yelled at me the entire time and bj basically pushed me off and took over because he had nothing to do which nearly reduced me to tears. it's such a confidence booster. i know, i'm lame. whatever!
i'm almost done with my externship. it's so sad and as much as i hate it sometimes i'm really going to miss it there. speaking of missing my name has gone from laurena to just baby now. and every time alex says it i just want to reach out and hug him because it reminds me so much of when paul called me baby. which makes me miss everyone from albs. i talk to karin just about daily and i really just want to go back to albany and live it up a little. sans the drug experience i had last time i lived it up a little too much. i had the best/craziest friends up there. and no one does dance parties like they do. i miss that. i love a good dance party.
still don't know what i'm doing with my life. i feel like i'm constantly wandering. want to open my own bakery/patisserie/restaurant-cafe thing but who knows the way to get there. want to do something with women's studies. i should just make and sell vagina cookies. who knows, who knows. i try not to think about it much because it just all confuses me and then i wonder-how the fuck did i get here?
i've changed so much though. i'm so much happier. i have a lot less clutter and bullshit in my life. it's so wonderful what being worried about your own wants and needs does for you. it's okay to be "a little selfish" as i pathetically describe it. i'm still trying to find my way. but thank god for gap jeans and scrubs.
you know it's the end of the work week when you get out of bed and begin to limp from standing on your feet so long and you have gigantic bags under your eyes.