I bought myself a present today
This week has felt like watching a train wreck in slow motion.
I know it shouldn't feel that way, but it does and I can't fight it.
I went out of my way to buy myself a present today. It was an act of kindness in a minefield of self-accusation.
I bought myself a new purse made of recycled vinyl billboards. I have had my eye on it for some time now. I think it's cool. :)
I want to share, but each word typed makes me feel more vulnerable.
I've gone all emo on everyone. lol
It appears there will be more of a conclusion than ellipses to my health troubles, so there is a lot of joy in possibly understanding. There is a lot of fear as the chapter turns and choices are to be made.
And yet I have another week to wait. Another doctor to see tomorrow. More to understand.
I believe that if I just try a little harder, research a little deeper or be "better" that I could fix this and move on. I feel immensely guilty that I haven't done so already.
My mind is open, but my fantasy of ultimate safety and simplistic answers has been named for what it is and fantasies can't last forever.
I don't have the emotional energy to make a coherent post, but I will soon and it will be friends-only. I plan to explain and be less muddled and murky. If you are one of my non-LJ friends and want to read it, just email me.
Thank you.
I know it shouldn't feel that way, but it does and I can't fight it.
I went out of my way to buy myself a present today. It was an act of kindness in a minefield of self-accusation.
I bought myself a new purse made of recycled vinyl billboards. I have had my eye on it for some time now. I think it's cool. :)
I want to share, but each word typed makes me feel more vulnerable.
I've gone all emo on everyone. lol
It appears there will be more of a conclusion than ellipses to my health troubles, so there is a lot of joy in possibly understanding. There is a lot of fear as the chapter turns and choices are to be made.
And yet I have another week to wait. Another doctor to see tomorrow. More to understand.
I believe that if I just try a little harder, research a little deeper or be "better" that I could fix this and move on. I feel immensely guilty that I haven't done so already.
My mind is open, but my fantasy of ultimate safety and simplistic answers has been named for what it is and fantasies can't last forever.
I don't have the emotional energy to make a coherent post, but I will soon and it will be friends-only. I plan to explain and be less muddled and murky. If you are one of my non-LJ friends and want to read it, just email me.
Thank you.