Can't really tell anyone else this
My older-younger sister turned sixteen on Tuesday. She had a celebration tonight. Her cake was really pretty, a chocolate two-layer, and they stuck real red roses along the edge and laid rosebuds on top. We sang "Happy Birthday" to her, and her friends leaned in so they could all get their picture taken with the cake.
And, all of a sudden, I got this sudden wave of melancholy. I thought of my 15th birthday, I also had a two-layer chocolate cake, heart-shaped, and my dad decorated it with frosting roses and other things. Somewhere I have a picture of my friends, my cake, and me, in almost the exact same pose.
I just got to thinking how fresh, and happy, and hopeful, and pretty I was then. And all the poor choices I've made in the mean time and the consequences I'm having to live with and struggle against now.
My sister was SO lovely. She is so beautiful, and talented, and happy, and beloved, and eager for life, and involved, and so full of purpose and beauty. It just kind of hurt me for a minute to think of the comparison, you know?
I talk about everything with my mom. But this just kind of felt like it was something I couldn't really tell her. I mean, the only responses she can have are "Oh, honey, you shouldn't let yourself feel like that" or "But look at how much better you're doing now." Both would be kind of an obligatory response and I hate to make someone feel like they have to do that. Also, neither is really comforting or helpful.
Anyway, I'm not really that upset, it was just such a strong wave at the time. And I just had to get this out so I could move on and go to bed. (Movie will have to wait until tomorrow night.)
ETA: Thanks, guys.
I felt really bad about posting this when I checked my flist before going to bed and saw the posts xxxaimsxxx and eirefaerie had made on the Katrina devastation. It felt so shallow to be talking about how I felt sad about ANYTHING related to my life after that.
I really debated for a while whether or not to delete it, but I decided to leave it, 'cause it was still true how I felt at that time. I'm glad you guys understand.
And, all of a sudden, I got this sudden wave of melancholy. I thought of my 15th birthday, I also had a two-layer chocolate cake, heart-shaped, and my dad decorated it with frosting roses and other things. Somewhere I have a picture of my friends, my cake, and me, in almost the exact same pose.
I just got to thinking how fresh, and happy, and hopeful, and pretty I was then. And all the poor choices I've made in the mean time and the consequences I'm having to live with and struggle against now.
My sister was SO lovely. She is so beautiful, and talented, and happy, and beloved, and eager for life, and involved, and so full of purpose and beauty. It just kind of hurt me for a minute to think of the comparison, you know?
I talk about everything with my mom. But this just kind of felt like it was something I couldn't really tell her. I mean, the only responses she can have are "Oh, honey, you shouldn't let yourself feel like that" or "But look at how much better you're doing now." Both would be kind of an obligatory response and I hate to make someone feel like they have to do that. Also, neither is really comforting or helpful.
Anyway, I'm not really that upset, it was just such a strong wave at the time. And I just had to get this out so I could move on and go to bed. (Movie will have to wait until tomorrow night.)
ETA: Thanks, guys.
I felt really bad about posting this when I checked my flist before going to bed and saw the posts xxxaimsxxx and eirefaerie had made on the Katrina devastation. It felt so shallow to be talking about how I felt sad about ANYTHING related to my life after that.
I really debated for a while whether or not to delete it, but I decided to leave it, 'cause it was still true how I felt at that time. I'm glad you guys understand.