(no subject)
i didnt think that he would effect me so much. here i am, a year later, after all the bullshit and hurt he put me through and i still think about him. he truly broke my heart. he promised, he knew everything that had happened. i was able to be open with him. i did so much shit. and every time i saw him and he mentioned her i wondered if it would ever be me he would be talking about with his friends. every time i saw him and he hurt because of her i wanted to hurt her, it wasnt fair i thought, why would she do that? why cant he put it past him and stop thinking about her, especially when i'm there? and when it was over i figured i would get over it eventually, yeah i would be pissed and sad for a while, we were never really "together" after all right? i've been through that shit a lot before, why should this be any different? i'll admit that i did hate him, i didnt want to ever see him again, but at that point there were so many other things going on with my life, i was trying to keep up with school, i was heartbroken over being kicked out of my last fall play, and i was just too tired and sick to feel anything at that point. but when i went to az after xmas to get better and sort things out, he called me. i'll admit part of me wanted to see him, but part of me didnt, i knew it would end badly again. i didnt talk to him for a while after that. leave it to boredom at deca to text him again, and leave it to my stupidity to agree to see him again. throughout all of this i woul think of him and get upset or mad or something. but after that night of seeing him, a few days later i was getting gas on the circle and guess whos car comes driving by? and guess whos in this car? crystal. i drove home wanting to cry, and when i got home i did and i told my mom the whole thing. he kept trying to talk to me and see me throughout the rest of the year, he didnt believe me when i told him i was at a spice girls concert once, i sent him a picture so he would leave me alone about it. over the summer i wanted so badly to see him but i didnt, i was scared. i wanted to see him before i left for cali, but i didnt, it wasnt because of john, i could care less what he thought after he was a jerk after my grandpa died. actually when my grandpa died i wanted nothing more than to see will and cry in his arms. but again i was scared, terrified. he kept begging me to come over, again and again i made excuses. than while i was here i talked to him on aim and he kept saying how much h wanted to see me and i'm not gonna lie, i did too, he kept saying all this romantic stuff and i told him when i'd be home and told him i'd call him when i was back in the valley. a few days later i was on facebook, avoiding a paper, and i saw on my news feed that his relationship status had changed. what? he had a girlfriend, that had a kid. i couldnt believe it. again i was heart broken, yet even when i did get home and i went to riya's i drove past his house and thought of him, i still think of him.
so why do i sit here writing this? i'm in california, 3000 miles away from him, why should i still care? i met this guy here and i really like him, like i really do. but i'm afraid, because of all the past experiences, it wasnt just will it was more than that. i trust people far to easily. and i'm utterly terrified to be hurt again. theres no other way to put it. i dont know what to do, but when i'm with him i'm just with him and i love it but then after i leave i start to think of what has happened in the past and think why the fuck can i not learn from my mistakes? but then whenever i have the oppertunity to see him i take it and drag my ass all the way to loyola just to see him, i mean yeah i like his friends and they have become my friends as well but still. im just terrified of what will happen. i told myself i wouldnt do this again but here i am. i wish i could just tell him how i feel, i never told will either, but i just wish i could. i dont know why its so hard for me, especially when i can speak my mind about almost anything else, i'll tell someone their a bitch when theyre being one but i cant tell him that i really like him and that i'm scared of him. how do you tell someone that? i'm scared he will stop talking to me and then where will i be? even worse then when i started out. i remember seeing him in public speaking and being like wow hes hot, and even telling myself to get over it, its not gonna happen. i remember the first time i went to his apt. nothing major just chilling with some of his friends, not biggie, he walked me back and i remember wanting nothing more than just to kiss him, but i didnt, in a way i didnt even want him to walk me back, i wanted to get over it and not allow myself to like him. that night at poeleng was amazing, the first time we kissed it was great, we were both kinda tispy and he said something like cause you know i really like you, like what am i supposed to think? i just take it as im drunk i dont know what i'm talking about. then when youko got mad at him i felt so bad like i couldnt show my face in loyola again. yul assured me everything was fine and it wasnt my fault but i never stopped feeling guilty about that night, i know what its like to see someone you like kiss someone else, its the worst. ever since then i dont know what to think, i just want to be with him. i dont even know whats going on anymore. i just want to tell him how i feel but i cant. and i blame will. will was truly the first guy i really opened up to and look what happened. i dont want to be hurt again but i cant stay away so how am i supposed to prepare myself for the hurt that i feel is inevitable?
so why do i sit here writing this? i'm in california, 3000 miles away from him, why should i still care? i met this guy here and i really like him, like i really do. but i'm afraid, because of all the past experiences, it wasnt just will it was more than that. i trust people far to easily. and i'm utterly terrified to be hurt again. theres no other way to put it. i dont know what to do, but when i'm with him i'm just with him and i love it but then after i leave i start to think of what has happened in the past and think why the fuck can i not learn from my mistakes? but then whenever i have the oppertunity to see him i take it and drag my ass all the way to loyola just to see him, i mean yeah i like his friends and they have become my friends as well but still. im just terrified of what will happen. i told myself i wouldnt do this again but here i am. i wish i could just tell him how i feel, i never told will either, but i just wish i could. i dont know why its so hard for me, especially when i can speak my mind about almost anything else, i'll tell someone their a bitch when theyre being one but i cant tell him that i really like him and that i'm scared of him. how do you tell someone that? i'm scared he will stop talking to me and then where will i be? even worse then when i started out. i remember seeing him in public speaking and being like wow hes hot, and even telling myself to get over it, its not gonna happen. i remember the first time i went to his apt. nothing major just chilling with some of his friends, not biggie, he walked me back and i remember wanting nothing more than just to kiss him, but i didnt, in a way i didnt even want him to walk me back, i wanted to get over it and not allow myself to like him. that night at poeleng was amazing, the first time we kissed it was great, we were both kinda tispy and he said something like cause you know i really like you, like what am i supposed to think? i just take it as im drunk i dont know what i'm talking about. then when youko got mad at him i felt so bad like i couldnt show my face in loyola again. yul assured me everything was fine and it wasnt my fault but i never stopped feeling guilty about that night, i know what its like to see someone you like kiss someone else, its the worst. ever since then i dont know what to think, i just want to be with him. i dont even know whats going on anymore. i just want to tell him how i feel but i cant. and i blame will. will was truly the first guy i really opened up to and look what happened. i dont want to be hurt again but i cant stay away so how am i supposed to prepare myself for the hurt that i feel is inevitable?