A poem, BUBBLEGUM/FEATHER please DON'T take it to heart. I was moping and tired this morning
I cried on your shoulder
You refuse to cry on mine
I cried on your shoulder
Is mine not good enough, the second time?
I smile while your heart breaks
Then feel guilty endlessly
I smile while your heart breaks
Cos when I'm there you don't show me
This is not about me, you say
But I still have to deal
This is not about me, you say
Then why this ache inside of me?
Your mask, of times past
Holds me here
I cannot lose you
Your mask of happiness not felt
Burns me retrospectively
No time spent with you now
Ever remains simple, free
Tinged with the mountainous pains you feel
Before or after you make me guilty
For not seeing for not feeling for not helping
For not being more than I am
Miracle worker, oh how I wish I was
I pray fervently
But you are deaf
Unlike Him.
OK since that is a bit gruesome I gotta explain.
Short explanation, QR is a self centred ****.
You told me I should tell you when I'm having problems...umm this is me telling you.
I think I was upset that basically after I met B I read her diary and I see the day I was there she didn't mention any of the nice time we had. Selfish hunh?
Its not I want either B or F to say that I was there and you suddenly burst into song and the world was perfect again and flowers grew up where I trod. I don't want you to not tell me things are bad. But this morning I just got into a self defeating circle of what's the point in my meeting you if if if it doesn't make you happy *at all*. I started going down the if it doesn't make them happy maybe I shouldn't go, then they have to put on a face for me and pretend to be happy(making your life harder). Then I got onto and if I don't make them any happier at all then maybe I make them worse cos I generally put my foot in it recently as well.
So for the record we had a nice lazy very quiet time on monday. We didn't say much but it was nice just to sit around with B. We watched Holy Grail (my first time but strangely dejavuish, I think it's B's fault, that computer game she had in uni), and the Princess Bride, and a bit of Glorious (eddie yes).
B fed me too much and I enjoyed being fed too much. I quote B after I've just eaten a ton of pasta, a huge fruit salad and a huge bowl of icecream:
"I just thought would you like carrots? with humus? Or biscuits, have some biscuits."
(I just look at her as if she's grown an extra head, then fall about laughing, b also)
We chatted on the walk back to the station. I'm filling in gossip and chatting. I feel bad that I ended up talking about too many things with dead people in. It wasn't on purpose Bubblegum I promise. I'm sorry if I distressed you.
I'm generally sorry. I hate being passive and not being a help. I accept that I can't. I just can't be happy about it.
In other news the listmanager woman, talking to her on IM is incresingly a chore that I really don't enjoy. I'm on edge and today she didn't quite say nasty things about other people inc the deletingposts woman but she just did this snide way of phrasing things that you just KNOW she means it as an insult. Bleugh.
Work is OK. Except I have this uncomfortable suspicion 18yrold has some bizzarre romantic designs on me. I feel guilty if he has cos I'm just not interested. This goes first for not interested in men in general right now but also in him. Don't ask me why the former. B suggested cure for loneliness was a man. I just couldn't work up any excitement in the whole concept. As for the latter...well he's quite a nice package...ish...not very interesting to talk to most of the time and well...he's just VERY 18ish. Moody over nothing and just passionate about 18yrold things. It's cute and funny but also...old news.
On the more relaxed note am loving foo fighters one by one v.cool
love QR
You refuse to cry on mine
I cried on your shoulder
Is mine not good enough, the second time?
I smile while your heart breaks
Then feel guilty endlessly
I smile while your heart breaks
Cos when I'm there you don't show me
This is not about me, you say
But I still have to deal
This is not about me, you say
Then why this ache inside of me?
Your mask, of times past
Holds me here
I cannot lose you
Your mask of happiness not felt
Burns me retrospectively
No time spent with you now
Ever remains simple, free
Tinged with the mountainous pains you feel
Before or after you make me guilty
For not seeing for not feeling for not helping
For not being more than I am
Miracle worker, oh how I wish I was
I pray fervently
But you are deaf
Unlike Him.
OK since that is a bit gruesome I gotta explain.
Short explanation, QR is a self centred ****.
You told me I should tell you when I'm having problems...umm this is me telling you.
I think I was upset that basically after I met B I read her diary and I see the day I was there she didn't mention any of the nice time we had. Selfish hunh?
Its not I want either B or F to say that I was there and you suddenly burst into song and the world was perfect again and flowers grew up where I trod. I don't want you to not tell me things are bad. But this morning I just got into a self defeating circle of what's the point in my meeting you if if if it doesn't make you happy *at all*. I started going down the if it doesn't make them happy maybe I shouldn't go, then they have to put on a face for me and pretend to be happy(making your life harder). Then I got onto and if I don't make them any happier at all then maybe I make them worse cos I generally put my foot in it recently as well.
So for the record we had a nice lazy very quiet time on monday. We didn't say much but it was nice just to sit around with B. We watched Holy Grail (my first time but strangely dejavuish, I think it's B's fault, that computer game she had in uni), and the Princess Bride, and a bit of Glorious (eddie yes).
B fed me too much and I enjoyed being fed too much. I quote B after I've just eaten a ton of pasta, a huge fruit salad and a huge bowl of icecream:
"I just thought would you like carrots? with humus? Or biscuits, have some biscuits."
(I just look at her as if she's grown an extra head, then fall about laughing, b also)
We chatted on the walk back to the station. I'm filling in gossip and chatting. I feel bad that I ended up talking about too many things with dead people in. It wasn't on purpose Bubblegum I promise. I'm sorry if I distressed you.
I'm generally sorry. I hate being passive and not being a help. I accept that I can't. I just can't be happy about it.
In other news the listmanager woman, talking to her on IM is incresingly a chore that I really don't enjoy. I'm on edge and today she didn't quite say nasty things about other people inc the deletingposts woman but she just did this snide way of phrasing things that you just KNOW she means it as an insult. Bleugh.
Work is OK. Except I have this uncomfortable suspicion 18yrold has some bizzarre romantic designs on me. I feel guilty if he has cos I'm just not interested. This goes first for not interested in men in general right now but also in him. Don't ask me why the former. B suggested cure for loneliness was a man. I just couldn't work up any excitement in the whole concept. As for the latter...well he's quite a nice package...ish...not very interesting to talk to most of the time and well...he's just VERY 18ish. Moody over nothing and just passionate about 18yrold things. It's cute and funny but also...old news.
On the more relaxed note am loving foo fighters one by one v.cool
love QR