(no subject)
So the week that shall decide my fate has arrived and I feel worse than I have ever felt before. The pain inside keeps growing and on top of it all I don't want to go back to my apartment and I don't want to go anywhere else. Everywhere I go I feel like I don't belong or don't want to be there. It is so hard because I can't escape. I am stuck and all I want is to run, run and never come back. Rachel says I need to start seeing someone to get these feelings out and maybe even start on medication. That is something that I feel I can't do. Meds have always made me feel less than human and seem to just strangle me. But this pain and these feeling are strangling me even more. I think often that I can change but it gets harder and harder each time I try. What is within me cannot be shown until I can release those things that oppress me. The biggest issue is that I am not in control. I can't seem to gain a foothold on anything and I writhe in the pain of it all. I can't control my emotions, my feelings, my living situation, my school, my fraternity, or even my sexuality. Not sure exactly what to say, I know that whatever I do I have to find a way out, I need freedom and to know that I will be ok. I pray the powers that be will show me a way but how am I to rely on things that cannot be seen as actual. Sort of me right now.
-Cali
-Cali