Eigil: Iceland's Mightiest Douchebag
What you need to know about the Sagas is this: they are largely (LARGELY) historical documents. About real people. Who did these things. Okay go.
Me: So EIGIL. Was this dude, who was kind of a shitty kid, and when he was three his dad was like "no you can't come to this dinner party at your grandpa's place, you're a brat" and Eigil snuck into the party anyway, recited a poem that went basically "parties are awesome, so is my grandpa, i'm the best three year old poet in the land, the end." And everyone praaaaised him for being so great a poet.
Tombolguid: seems legit so far
[meet Eigil]
Me: then at age seven, he was playing ye viking ice hockey and lost his temper and brutally murdered another kid on the ice, smashed his skull open and some teeth fell out and Eigil wore them as a necklace maybe. Eigil's dad was pissed but his mom was like "WHAT A GREAT VIKING BOY" and gave him candy
Tombolguid: not the best parent
Tombolguid: his dad sounds awesome tho
Me: yeah no, because when Eigil was a teen his dad went into a black-out rage and killed Eigil's only friend (and maybe his dog) and he was about to kill Eigil when the nanny stepped up and was like "REALLY? REALLY??" So Eigil's Dad chased her into the ocean and crushed her with a rock.
[the museums in Iceland are big on visual aids.]
Me: So Eigil got even by killing his dad's bff and things were strained between them after that
Tombolguid: ok i take it back
Tombolguid: i love how you used the word strained to describe their murderous hatred of each other
Me: that is a direct quote from the book, not joking
Me: So Eigil also had this big bro, who was smoking hot and great at everything and like, way older off being a viking while Eigil was a kid, but when he comes back he marries Eigil's foster sister and makes ready to sail away for more vikinging. Eigil says, YOU ARE TAKING ME WITH YOU and the bro's like, nahhh you're kind of crazy, and Eigil's like FINE I WILL FUCK UP YOUR BOAT and the bro's like nah wait i was just kidding ahahahaha come aboard
Tombolguid: man, this whole family make the best life choices
Tombolguid: logically sound and objective
Me: then they go off and rape and pillage until Eigil's bro dies. it's very sad. But Eigil goes and broods in front of the king (King Athelstan, btw) SO HARD that the king is like "fuck man take this gold ring and these two chests of silver and fuck off back to your family jesus you're bringing down the room. Make sure to share the wealth with your dad whom you love oodles okay okay."
Tombolguid: OMG
Me: yeah
Tombolguid: athelstan is king
[Yup! Not sure if they'll go anywhere with that but!]
Me: so anyway! Eigil takes the silver back to iceland where shock of all shocks he does not share
Tombolguid: that is the biggest plot twist i have ever seen
Me: he never ever shares, in fact. Instead he marries his dead brother's ex wife (the foster sister, remember), gets super old and nearly blind and outlives basically everyone, and then he's like "HEY YOU KNOW THAT ISLAND-WIDE POLITICAL MEETING WE HAVE EVERY YEAR TO DISCUSS LAWS AND GOVERNMENT AND HOW AWESOME DEMOCRACY IS AND STUFF? I'mma take my silver there and throw it at people and watch the shit hit the fan."
Tombolguid: LOL
Tombolguid: that is my new life goal if i get to be super old and nearly blind
Tombolguid: just throw quarters at people. hard.
Me: and his granddaughter is like "wow that's a great idea" and then tells on him to someone else who is like "wow no that's a terrible idea." And Eigil is like "fuck you and this popsicle stand," and he grabs two servants, who help him dig up his silver. Then he KILLS THEM BOTH AND BURRIES THE SILVER IN A LOCATION UNKNOWN, where it remains unfound to this very day. The end.
Me: moral of the story: you can get away with a lot of shit if you're a good poet
Tombolguid: he may be my new hero
There is some other stuff that didn't make it into my telling to tombolguid: how this one time Eigil was being held captive by a king and wrote a poem the night before he was to be executed and the king was like, "....wow this is such an awesome poem I'mma let you go. Even though you killed a bunch of my family members and stole from me and definitely pissed off my wife, who may or may not be a sorceress." But I think you got the gist of it.
Me: So EIGIL. Was this dude, who was kind of a shitty kid, and when he was three his dad was like "no you can't come to this dinner party at your grandpa's place, you're a brat" and Eigil snuck into the party anyway, recited a poem that went basically "parties are awesome, so is my grandpa, i'm the best three year old poet in the land, the end." And everyone praaaaised him for being so great a poet.
Tombolguid: seems legit so far
[meet Eigil]
Me: then at age seven, he was playing ye viking ice hockey and lost his temper and brutally murdered another kid on the ice, smashed his skull open and some teeth fell out and Eigil wore them as a necklace maybe. Eigil's dad was pissed but his mom was like "WHAT A GREAT VIKING BOY" and gave him candy
Tombolguid: not the best parent
Tombolguid: his dad sounds awesome tho
Me: yeah no, because when Eigil was a teen his dad went into a black-out rage and killed Eigil's only friend (and maybe his dog) and he was about to kill Eigil when the nanny stepped up and was like "REALLY? REALLY??" So Eigil's Dad chased her into the ocean and crushed her with a rock.
[the museums in Iceland are big on visual aids.]
Me: So Eigil got even by killing his dad's bff and things were strained between them after that
Tombolguid: ok i take it back
Tombolguid: i love how you used the word strained to describe their murderous hatred of each other
Me: that is a direct quote from the book, not joking
Me: So Eigil also had this big bro, who was smoking hot and great at everything and like, way older off being a viking while Eigil was a kid, but when he comes back he marries Eigil's foster sister and makes ready to sail away for more vikinging. Eigil says, YOU ARE TAKING ME WITH YOU and the bro's like, nahhh you're kind of crazy, and Eigil's like FINE I WILL FUCK UP YOUR BOAT and the bro's like nah wait i was just kidding ahahahaha come aboard
Tombolguid: man, this whole family make the best life choices
Tombolguid: logically sound and objective
Me: then they go off and rape and pillage until Eigil's bro dies. it's very sad. But Eigil goes and broods in front of the king (King Athelstan, btw) SO HARD that the king is like "fuck man take this gold ring and these two chests of silver and fuck off back to your family jesus you're bringing down the room. Make sure to share the wealth with your dad whom you love oodles okay okay."
Tombolguid: OMG
Me: yeah
Tombolguid: athelstan is king
[Yup! Not sure if they'll go anywhere with that but!]
Me: so anyway! Eigil takes the silver back to iceland where shock of all shocks he does not share
Tombolguid: that is the biggest plot twist i have ever seen
Me: he never ever shares, in fact. Instead he marries his dead brother's ex wife (the foster sister, remember), gets super old and nearly blind and outlives basically everyone, and then he's like "HEY YOU KNOW THAT ISLAND-WIDE POLITICAL MEETING WE HAVE EVERY YEAR TO DISCUSS LAWS AND GOVERNMENT AND HOW AWESOME DEMOCRACY IS AND STUFF? I'mma take my silver there and throw it at people and watch the shit hit the fan."
Tombolguid: LOL
Tombolguid: that is my new life goal if i get to be super old and nearly blind
Tombolguid: just throw quarters at people. hard.
Me: and his granddaughter is like "wow that's a great idea" and then tells on him to someone else who is like "wow no that's a terrible idea." And Eigil is like "fuck you and this popsicle stand," and he grabs two servants, who help him dig up his silver. Then he KILLS THEM BOTH AND BURRIES THE SILVER IN A LOCATION UNKNOWN, where it remains unfound to this very day. The end.
Me: moral of the story: you can get away with a lot of shit if you're a good poet
Tombolguid: he may be my new hero
There is some other stuff that didn't make it into my telling to tombolguid: how this one time Eigil was being held captive by a king and wrote a poem the night before he was to be executed and the king was like, "....wow this is such an awesome poem I'mma let you go. Even though you killed a bunch of my family members and stole from me and definitely pissed off my wife, who may or may not be a sorceress." But I think you got the gist of it.