Unrequited Love Mysteries - Part 2...
The chimes for you resound in a sequestered barracks of my heart…how did this happen? I tried to break this glass once, but you still loved me. I tried so hard to shatter everything you loved; you still wanted to hold me tight. You are my brick wall, but you’ve always stood by me. I gave everything my best try, but I can’t force myself to feel what I simply will never feel. We weren’t meant to be. It took time, years, circumstance, someone else to finally lead us separate ways. You never gave up on me, until you had no other choice. For this, I will always secretly be grateful. I will always remember the unparallel loyalty I’ve seldom felt since. I have a million memories of our wild adventures. I loved every moment; I just wish you never fell in love with me so we could still be friends…
So while I was back home alone, I received another really surprising correspondence. An old high school friend contacted me and begged me to visit. She said she felt bad because we haven’t seen each other in ages, and she actually just had a baby. It really has been ages since I’ve seen her… I think I was a sophomore in high school actually when we last spoke to each other. I honestly didn’t think she still wanted to acknowledge my existence. I mean, she never even invited me to her baby shower. It’s okay. She had every right to avoid me, rightfully so, if she had wanted to. I decided to take advantage of this opportunity, since I desire to rekindle friendships when there is a mutual desire to do so.
Although a couple years older than me, we got along really well in high school. She introduced me to a lot of people who turned into my eclectic pool of friends. At the time I knew her, she was also dating this really strange guy. They seemed like a relatively content couple, we all hung out occasionally. They even visited me when I worked at the theater and… yeah, thank you for using the theater as a cheap hotel room.
Around Valentine’s Day they broke up their relationship. I didn’t really feel this action would impact me much at all. She obviously was the person I met first; she obviously was the friend I planned to retain from this incident.
It was really strange though; her ex-boyfriend started talking to me. It really confused me, and for a while, it made me feel very uncomfortable. It’s just I had always seen him as her boyfriend. I never fantasized about him; never had a crush on him, really there was nothing ever there between us.
But he wanted to keep talking…so I kept returning the conversation. We had a lot in common so it was easy to find things to chat about. The days passed, weeks, we started hanging out. I sincerely (at this point), thought we were friends. I was pretty cool with that. Before I knew it, he decided to ask me to the Prom. Being that I thought we were going as friends, I agreed to go to the school sponsored after prom party (which is really more fun than the actual prom anyway). However at the after prom party he started to get a little… close. It just felt like the whole night we were on a date and it made me feel really uncomfortable. My friend went to prom with a friend of hers, so it felt like he wanted it to look like we were in a relationship so he could try to make her jealous. I don’t think his plan worked. My friend is rather emotionless; I think it’s one reason we have always gotten along well. She always referred to herself as “the scientist” and she always referred to me as “the artist.” She actually wrote a rather beautiful livejournal entry comparing and contrasting our differences: http://habenero-hottie.livejournal.com/64847.html. I do treasure this entry to this day. Anyway, I was really livid at my “date” because I felt like he tricked me. I did not want him to feel this way about me AT ALL. I also wanted to reinforce the fact that I perceived this “date” to be a friendly outing. So I ended up meeting up with a close friend of mine who “snuck” into the prom because they knew I was going. The three of us hung out, seriously all of the photos we took that night were of myself standing between two guys. I love these photos so much, lol. I admit that I was rude, mean, and rather juvenile with my response to this situation. I didn’t really contemplate it much though because I did not have any romantic feelings for this guy. Maybe if I were a jerk, he’d fall out of love with me, and of course with teenage logic that all made sense. He was really upset that night, and rightfully so. I still regret how I acted that night.
However, two months passed… I thought my actions had succeeded in getting my message across. I received a call from him. He must have forgiven me because he called me within the summer to invite me to his graduation party. My first naïve thoughts were, “Yay, back to being friends!”
No… he invited me to his graduation party and I not only was the only “girl” he invited. I was definitely the only “friend” at this otherwise family function. Wow, that was awkward because again… everyone thought I was his girlfriend!
So after this event, I told my friend I really needed to have a talk. See, you know sometimes how you can just “tell” whether you have chemistry with someone. I believe you either have it, even just a little bit, or you don’t. I really liked this guy, but nothing could change the fact I wasn’t attracted to him. He mumbled so badly I could barely hear anything he said. He also was just… so boring, so miserable, constantly giving up on everything. I’m pretty strong willed, and although I can be a pessimist / realist, I have an overall upbeat perception generally about life. We were complete opposites. I expressed these views, albeit more tactful, to him. He apologized for trying to pretend I was his girlfriend, when I obviously was not. Then he asked me, “Why can’t we try?” He also told me there were minimal risks because he felt like if things did not work out with me, he could pursue my friend (his ex). Whatever.
It was really strange, he had me convinced that maybe I was discounting the situation too soon. I told him I didn’t believe in tying myself down in one relationship, and I mentioned my philosophy about polyamory. I thought this, for sure, would scare him away. No, he was even okay with my alternative lifestyle. So I was really torn, but I felt because I did like him, I agreed to give everything a try.
We seriously had some great adventures together. We went bunge-jumping, parasailing, he visited me while I was in college and we went to many concerts. He played Prince of Persia and recorded all the background music on a CD for me. His parents really liked me and always wanted to include me in family trips or brought random treasures back for me from their excursions. It was really sweet, and although they were really strict, we seemed to really get along great. They even told me they liked me more than they liked their son. Seriously.
I’ll never forget some conversations they had when I was at his house. They thanked me so much for being a positive influence in his life. They also begged me to change him, get him back on the right track because they thought he was a total looser. Despite having a very high SAT score, he went to community college and was completely failing all of his classes. I didn’t understand. I can lead by example, but otherwise there wasn’t much more I could do. I always tried motivating him; he just didn’t have the ambition. He ultimately failed college and started working at a local grocery store full-time. His parents were livid. I was disappointed; I felt somewhat that I had failed to in this special mission I was appointed.
I really enjoyed our times together, but I couldn’t help wishing I had shared those times with someone else. Everything that I did, all those actions, felt like I had chained my soul because there was no love present in my heart.
It all ended when we were on a family trip. He decided while we were illegally on the beaches of Lake Erie to say something akin to, “I don’t know if I’ll ever get married someday. However if I do get married, I hope to marry you.”
I just couldn’t handle this…proposal? It just made me feel really uncomfortable, like he was again getting the wrong message about the type of relationship we had. I was okay, sort of, having a poly relationship with him but definitely not an exclusive primary-partner relationship. I told him I felt really uncomfortable. I told him I just couldn’t handle this. I told him I wanted to break everything off and that I didn’t want to speak to him again. Even after all this time, his feelings had evolved while mine stayed stagnant. It just wasn’t meant to be.
We still wanted to talk after that moment. I felt torn. I really missed his friendship, so we started chatting again. We were in a stage of redeveloping our friendship, but I still felt uneasy. I think when I started a relationship with Derek; I explained my situation with this guy. I can’t remember what exactly happened but I think I had Derek say something to get him to leave me alone. This worked, I’ve never heard from him since. I have mixed feelings, but I suppose I ultimately regret the way it all ended. I burned all the bridges of any future friendship.
Well, after everything completely ended, he started pursuing my friend again. His parents kicked him out of the house and she let him move in. I’m not sure what kind of relationship they have together now. All I know is that, because of our failed past, I never anticipated having a warm welcome back into their shared household. I thought she would also feel this way, but I had incorrectly made that assumption.
I was really delighted to see her again. She continued our random tradition of giving me completely random but extremely cool junk she was getting rid of. Everything from some cool books, artsy clothes, really nice shoes, renaissance costume patterns… she always has really awesome, off-the-wall items. It was nice to catch up and see her cute baby girl.
The whole time I was visiting, I prayed so hard that her boyfriend / live-in partner wasn’t there. I didn’t want to see him; I just couldn’t look in his eyes… I couldn’t look into the eyes of someone who wanted so desperately to be loved, someone who once wanted so desperately for me to save them from their mundane, melancholic existence. I just couldn’t ever love him as much as he wanted to be loved.
My friend and I were looking through odds and ends when I immediately looked up at more items. To my surprise, I saw him. He was standing… he was staring at me with a lost look of longing and depression, like a lost dog staring empty as its owner leaves the house. I took a deep sigh. I never thought we’d share this moment again. I don’t even know where to pick up; I don’t remember how we left off and it makes for an awkward way to reenter each other’s lives. I didn’t know what to do, so I just pretended we were just old friends that lost touch when I uttered a somewhat jovial, “Hi.”
He gave me a despondent response. We exchanged pleasantries politely, and he told me nothing has changed, other than the fact he has a daughter now (which sounds like a big change to me, but whatever). I told him about everything I have been up to and he responded with a glum, “Well, I haven’t been up to nearly as much as you, of course.”
I shrugged my shoulders. About all I could do is keep being upbeat and polite. I wonder what that statement really meant though… There you go again, Amanda, taking on the world while I’m trapped here in the same miserable existence where you left me.
My friend and I were laughing, exchanging stories and jokes. He kept interjecting, telling my friend her “kids say the strangest things” stories were not funny because kids could truly be hurt or trying to ask questions legitimate questions. He didn’t make sense; we were just exchanging stories for lighthearted fun. We were not hurting anyone by doing so. I think he just was so miserable that he didn’t want to see us laughing and joking around. It is a fragment of old times together. Nothing changes the current moment, we are happy people and he remains stuck in a miserable life. He wasn’t really directly mean to me, which I appreciated. He more so just complained about everything else. I really enjoyed visiting my friend very much, however, I’m not sure her domestic partner can handle even a brief interaction with me again. I don’t know.
As I left the house, I just couldn’t get his expression off of my mind. It was so hollow, lifeless… like a prisoner longing to be saved. Longing for a better life. My mother once told me, “You know Amanda, you really do motivate people. You really inspire them. I truly believe you can help so many individuals strive to be more by the great example you lead with your motivation, drive, and success. I really think it has helped your husband become the skilled professional he is today. The problem is not everyone has an Amanda to believe in them. Not everyone has an Amanda to push them in the right direction.”
These words haunt me. I believed in this person once, I tried to help them change. I’m glad others can see me as an inspiration, but I can’t save everyone. I want desperately to help, but people need to make sacrifices. They must want the change. Whatever happens to you my former friend, I hope you realize you have the power to change your destiny. I hope always that you find happiness in our memories, and you are able to be a great father as the future unfolds. I hope if our paths ever cross again that you'll find abundant happiness within your life.
So while I was back home alone, I received another really surprising correspondence. An old high school friend contacted me and begged me to visit. She said she felt bad because we haven’t seen each other in ages, and she actually just had a baby. It really has been ages since I’ve seen her… I think I was a sophomore in high school actually when we last spoke to each other. I honestly didn’t think she still wanted to acknowledge my existence. I mean, she never even invited me to her baby shower. It’s okay. She had every right to avoid me, rightfully so, if she had wanted to. I decided to take advantage of this opportunity, since I desire to rekindle friendships when there is a mutual desire to do so.
Although a couple years older than me, we got along really well in high school. She introduced me to a lot of people who turned into my eclectic pool of friends. At the time I knew her, she was also dating this really strange guy. They seemed like a relatively content couple, we all hung out occasionally. They even visited me when I worked at the theater and… yeah, thank you for using the theater as a cheap hotel room.
Around Valentine’s Day they broke up their relationship. I didn’t really feel this action would impact me much at all. She obviously was the person I met first; she obviously was the friend I planned to retain from this incident.
It was really strange though; her ex-boyfriend started talking to me. It really confused me, and for a while, it made me feel very uncomfortable. It’s just I had always seen him as her boyfriend. I never fantasized about him; never had a crush on him, really there was nothing ever there between us.
But he wanted to keep talking…so I kept returning the conversation. We had a lot in common so it was easy to find things to chat about. The days passed, weeks, we started hanging out. I sincerely (at this point), thought we were friends. I was pretty cool with that. Before I knew it, he decided to ask me to the Prom. Being that I thought we were going as friends, I agreed to go to the school sponsored after prom party (which is really more fun than the actual prom anyway). However at the after prom party he started to get a little… close. It just felt like the whole night we were on a date and it made me feel really uncomfortable. My friend went to prom with a friend of hers, so it felt like he wanted it to look like we were in a relationship so he could try to make her jealous. I don’t think his plan worked. My friend is rather emotionless; I think it’s one reason we have always gotten along well. She always referred to herself as “the scientist” and she always referred to me as “the artist.” She actually wrote a rather beautiful livejournal entry comparing and contrasting our differences: http://habenero-hottie.livejournal.com/64847.html. I do treasure this entry to this day. Anyway, I was really livid at my “date” because I felt like he tricked me. I did not want him to feel this way about me AT ALL. I also wanted to reinforce the fact that I perceived this “date” to be a friendly outing. So I ended up meeting up with a close friend of mine who “snuck” into the prom because they knew I was going. The three of us hung out, seriously all of the photos we took that night were of myself standing between two guys. I love these photos so much, lol. I admit that I was rude, mean, and rather juvenile with my response to this situation. I didn’t really contemplate it much though because I did not have any romantic feelings for this guy. Maybe if I were a jerk, he’d fall out of love with me, and of course with teenage logic that all made sense. He was really upset that night, and rightfully so. I still regret how I acted that night.
However, two months passed… I thought my actions had succeeded in getting my message across. I received a call from him. He must have forgiven me because he called me within the summer to invite me to his graduation party. My first naïve thoughts were, “Yay, back to being friends!”
No… he invited me to his graduation party and I not only was the only “girl” he invited. I was definitely the only “friend” at this otherwise family function. Wow, that was awkward because again… everyone thought I was his girlfriend!
So after this event, I told my friend I really needed to have a talk. See, you know sometimes how you can just “tell” whether you have chemistry with someone. I believe you either have it, even just a little bit, or you don’t. I really liked this guy, but nothing could change the fact I wasn’t attracted to him. He mumbled so badly I could barely hear anything he said. He also was just… so boring, so miserable, constantly giving up on everything. I’m pretty strong willed, and although I can be a pessimist / realist, I have an overall upbeat perception generally about life. We were complete opposites. I expressed these views, albeit more tactful, to him. He apologized for trying to pretend I was his girlfriend, when I obviously was not. Then he asked me, “Why can’t we try?” He also told me there were minimal risks because he felt like if things did not work out with me, he could pursue my friend (his ex). Whatever.
It was really strange, he had me convinced that maybe I was discounting the situation too soon. I told him I didn’t believe in tying myself down in one relationship, and I mentioned my philosophy about polyamory. I thought this, for sure, would scare him away. No, he was even okay with my alternative lifestyle. So I was really torn, but I felt because I did like him, I agreed to give everything a try.
We seriously had some great adventures together. We went bunge-jumping, parasailing, he visited me while I was in college and we went to many concerts. He played Prince of Persia and recorded all the background music on a CD for me. His parents really liked me and always wanted to include me in family trips or brought random treasures back for me from their excursions. It was really sweet, and although they were really strict, we seemed to really get along great. They even told me they liked me more than they liked their son. Seriously.
I’ll never forget some conversations they had when I was at his house. They thanked me so much for being a positive influence in his life. They also begged me to change him, get him back on the right track because they thought he was a total looser. Despite having a very high SAT score, he went to community college and was completely failing all of his classes. I didn’t understand. I can lead by example, but otherwise there wasn’t much more I could do. I always tried motivating him; he just didn’t have the ambition. He ultimately failed college and started working at a local grocery store full-time. His parents were livid. I was disappointed; I felt somewhat that I had failed to in this special mission I was appointed.
I really enjoyed our times together, but I couldn’t help wishing I had shared those times with someone else. Everything that I did, all those actions, felt like I had chained my soul because there was no love present in my heart.
It all ended when we were on a family trip. He decided while we were illegally on the beaches of Lake Erie to say something akin to, “I don’t know if I’ll ever get married someday. However if I do get married, I hope to marry you.”
I just couldn’t handle this…proposal? It just made me feel really uncomfortable, like he was again getting the wrong message about the type of relationship we had. I was okay, sort of, having a poly relationship with him but definitely not an exclusive primary-partner relationship. I told him I felt really uncomfortable. I told him I just couldn’t handle this. I told him I wanted to break everything off and that I didn’t want to speak to him again. Even after all this time, his feelings had evolved while mine stayed stagnant. It just wasn’t meant to be.
We still wanted to talk after that moment. I felt torn. I really missed his friendship, so we started chatting again. We were in a stage of redeveloping our friendship, but I still felt uneasy. I think when I started a relationship with Derek; I explained my situation with this guy. I can’t remember what exactly happened but I think I had Derek say something to get him to leave me alone. This worked, I’ve never heard from him since. I have mixed feelings, but I suppose I ultimately regret the way it all ended. I burned all the bridges of any future friendship.
Well, after everything completely ended, he started pursuing my friend again. His parents kicked him out of the house and she let him move in. I’m not sure what kind of relationship they have together now. All I know is that, because of our failed past, I never anticipated having a warm welcome back into their shared household. I thought she would also feel this way, but I had incorrectly made that assumption.
I was really delighted to see her again. She continued our random tradition of giving me completely random but extremely cool junk she was getting rid of. Everything from some cool books, artsy clothes, really nice shoes, renaissance costume patterns… she always has really awesome, off-the-wall items. It was nice to catch up and see her cute baby girl.
The whole time I was visiting, I prayed so hard that her boyfriend / live-in partner wasn’t there. I didn’t want to see him; I just couldn’t look in his eyes… I couldn’t look into the eyes of someone who wanted so desperately to be loved, someone who once wanted so desperately for me to save them from their mundane, melancholic existence. I just couldn’t ever love him as much as he wanted to be loved.
My friend and I were looking through odds and ends when I immediately looked up at more items. To my surprise, I saw him. He was standing… he was staring at me with a lost look of longing and depression, like a lost dog staring empty as its owner leaves the house. I took a deep sigh. I never thought we’d share this moment again. I don’t even know where to pick up; I don’t remember how we left off and it makes for an awkward way to reenter each other’s lives. I didn’t know what to do, so I just pretended we were just old friends that lost touch when I uttered a somewhat jovial, “Hi.”
He gave me a despondent response. We exchanged pleasantries politely, and he told me nothing has changed, other than the fact he has a daughter now (which sounds like a big change to me, but whatever). I told him about everything I have been up to and he responded with a glum, “Well, I haven’t been up to nearly as much as you, of course.”
I shrugged my shoulders. About all I could do is keep being upbeat and polite. I wonder what that statement really meant though… There you go again, Amanda, taking on the world while I’m trapped here in the same miserable existence where you left me.
My friend and I were laughing, exchanging stories and jokes. He kept interjecting, telling my friend her “kids say the strangest things” stories were not funny because kids could truly be hurt or trying to ask questions legitimate questions. He didn’t make sense; we were just exchanging stories for lighthearted fun. We were not hurting anyone by doing so. I think he just was so miserable that he didn’t want to see us laughing and joking around. It is a fragment of old times together. Nothing changes the current moment, we are happy people and he remains stuck in a miserable life. He wasn’t really directly mean to me, which I appreciated. He more so just complained about everything else. I really enjoyed visiting my friend very much, however, I’m not sure her domestic partner can handle even a brief interaction with me again. I don’t know.
As I left the house, I just couldn’t get his expression off of my mind. It was so hollow, lifeless… like a prisoner longing to be saved. Longing for a better life. My mother once told me, “You know Amanda, you really do motivate people. You really inspire them. I truly believe you can help so many individuals strive to be more by the great example you lead with your motivation, drive, and success. I really think it has helped your husband become the skilled professional he is today. The problem is not everyone has an Amanda to believe in them. Not everyone has an Amanda to push them in the right direction.”
These words haunt me. I believed in this person once, I tried to help them change. I’m glad others can see me as an inspiration, but I can’t save everyone. I want desperately to help, but people need to make sacrifices. They must want the change. Whatever happens to you my former friend, I hope you realize you have the power to change your destiny. I hope always that you find happiness in our memories, and you are able to be a great father as the future unfolds. I hope if our paths ever cross again that you'll find abundant happiness within your life.