Unrequited Love Mysteries - Part 1
This 5:30 AM entry (even though I’ll be typing a while, lol) is brought to you by my inconsistent, random sleep schedule. It figures, right? I can’t seem to wake up at 5:30 on a day where I have to work (even though it would help me be more ready for the day). However, I seem to be able to arise this time when I am off. Here a lot of schools are used as election sites or many people volunteer for the election, so teachers here get today off. Maybe being awake now will help me make the most of the day.
I've had a lot on my mind for a while. I've wanted to write for ages. The quandary is whether I break it up, or somehow tie all these awkward, loose ends together. Hmm… I guess I’ll start in the past and work my way to the present and see how these thoughts transpire…
October flew by due to a whirlwind of activity. The first weekend I traveled back to my hometown for blackpaladin ’s wedding. It was a very lovely wedding and I had a very enjoyable time! It was worth the drive. I only wish I could have found some people to continue the celebration afterward, but my efforts were fruitless.
I drove 4.5 hours myself because my husband has been really ill with sinus problems since we returned from Pennsic. He made some really stupid decisions the week prior; mainly taking a trip to visit a friend the week before even though he was sick… which exacerbated his condition and made him miss work the following Monday. He really couldn’t afford to miss any more time from work, so I forced him to stay home. My parents were working that weekend, so I literally would have been going back to an empty house. Since the festivities ended relatively early since everything was outdoors, I called a pseudo-friend of mine who mentioned on Facebook they really wanted to hang out if I could make the time. Conveniently for them, that was the case.
I was pretty lonely and desperately craving some company. I felt like I was teetering between the sword and the blade of a knife… the only people I seem to be able to keep in my life are the ones who don’t belong in it.
This person and I have a very strange past. It started when I was in eighth grade and a friend from drum corps invited me to her birthday party. I really thought this guy was a total jerk. He thought it would be a great idea to sit next to me during a car ride and punch me in the arm to get my constant attention. It wasn’t a gingerly tap; it was a pretty hard punch! When the return car ride ended, I got out of the car and punched him so hard he was crying on the ground. I’m not particularly proud of that moment, but I tried everything else to get this boy to leave me alone. My arm was black and blue for two weeks!
My naive thoughts back then were that my action would surely get this creep to leave me alone. However, now as a behaviorist I realize I really should have ignored him. The function of his aggressive behavior was to get my attention because he really liked me. I gave him attention, even though it was negative, it still was attention nevertheless. He liked it. So he got my number from one of my friends and periodically called me every Halloween. My friends even brought him to a couple of my Halloween parties.
It was really strange; this jerk would call me randomly and unexpectedly within the following years. He called me to invite himself to my parties, which unfortunately no longer existed. He called often to tell me about his “exploits” with other girls, which to be honest, I really had no interest hearing about. He was really bizarre, but mind you, never even once asked me out on a date. Not really saying I ever had any interest in this person, but seriously I never even knew he had any interest. I pretty much thought we were just somewhat friends of friends. I don’t know.
Throughout the following years, we developed a pretty casual friendship. He’d call and ask me for advice, and I pretty much knew I could tell him whatever I had to say without reservation. He’s pretty tactless, laid-back, and compulsive but always welcomed the truth. So we’ve kept in correspondence. That’s when I realized; somewhere in the back of my mind…this guy has feelings for me. He always has, ever since those days of my black and blue arm. It didn’t faze me though, it’s not like he ever really expressed himself. It must have been a pretty low priority.
So I called him up and we met at the good ol’ clearview mall. Seriously, just walking through the doors I felt like a teenager again because that is the ONLY place to hang out with your high school friends. Just stepping into the building again was like taking that first jolting step into a brisk pool of water. All the memories surged back, I instantly felt ten years younger again… I’ve been back since I’ve moved, but it’s been ages since I’ve gone there just to meet with a shade from my past. We just had a mix of random, sarcastic conversations and just got up-to-date with our life stories. Over dinner, he asked me for career advice and we had a pretty productive conversation about our life goals. It was actually a fairly enjoyable encounter for a couple of hours.
Then as we were getting ready to leave the restaurant, he asked me, “Why didn’t you ever call?”
I was really confused, “What? I’ve always answered or returned your calls. We’ve always talked. I don’t understand what more I could have done.”
“I mean, why didn’t you call me when you were planning on getting married? I really wish you would have called me to let me know. To warn me.”
“I’m really sorry, we weren’t really friends back then. I’m honestly not sure what kind of relationship we had at that time. The only time I’ve ever heard from you were those sporadic times you called me to share your sexual exploits with other women, and to be honest, hearing what you told me always grossed me out.” There was silence.
Awkward silence… ugh. This is a really difficult conversation because I’ve spent my life with this vast pool of male friends, and to be honest; when I was engaged I didn’t know where I stood with almost all of them. I lost touch with a bunch, I let a bunch go because I knew they loved me but I could never love them back. I just lost touch with a few inadvertently because of college and student teaching consuming the other half of my time. I also just went through a really dark time a couple months before I got married, it wasn’t related to the act of getting married, it was with a different incident I’ll never speak of… but it was truly a dark time. Anyway, I guess I was really unsure of whom to invite, whom not to invite… so I guess many important people slipped my overwhelmed mind. I’ll always be regretful. I also had a very small wedding and invited very few people. I should have invited a few people that I didn’t. I should have forgotten about a few people, I unfortunately invited them even though they weren’t really my friends. Overall, I don’t regret getting married, but I really made the choice during a time of my life when my relationships with friends were still pretty fluid. If I had the choice again, I would definitely have cohabitated during college and then gotten married upon graduation… it seems like college graduation has pretty much solidified who is and is no longer in my life. Also, I would have had a lot of unnecessary prejudice from my family at that time if I chose to cohabitate, and to be honest, I didn’t want to fight it back then. I cohabitated for 2.5 months and it was unbearable to deal with my family during that brief time period. I know I’m my own person, but my family is so important to me, it just wasn’t worth it. It was much better to just get married so I could just keep living my happy life. Ugh, in retrospect, those 2.5 months of my “rebellion” indirectly paved the way for my sister. She has a boyfriend she has been cohabitating with for four years, and everyone in my family is now cool with it. *bangs head*
But I digress…I appreciate the friends that have been there with me every day of my life, not the ones who were only there for me during a certain time period so they could receive an invitation to a celebration one day of my life. At the same time, it looks like the revolving door in and out of my life will always be spinning…
My thoughts flow back to the conversation at hand… He added, “No, I wish you would have called me to let me know you were getting married so I could have talked you out of it. If I knew you were getting married, you could have married me. You should have married me so I wouldn’t have to be alone.”
“What are you talking about? Marriage doesn’t work that way! You don’t just randomly marry someone because you are lonely. Why would we have gotten married? We’ve never even had a relationship! Heck, we’ve never even been on a DATE! This outing is the first time we have even been out together!”
More awkward silence… as each moment cuts through me like a knife. For the first time ever in ten years, I see his humility. I want to utter the cold truth; it’s fiercely staring at me. I just can’t bring myself to say more. During this moment, like so many others, my compassion wins. My lips are sealed as he elaborates further.
“It’s just that I am twenty-five years old. I see all of my friends in relationships, getting married, and starting families. But I’m here alone. I’m left behind. I really want that life. There has to be something wrong, I was meant to be with you. I keep searching for someone, but I just can’t find anyone even half as amazing as you. You love science fiction; you’re so successful and kind. I was an idiot for not calling you. I was an idiot for never asking you out. I thought I had the time. When I heard you were getting married to someone I didn’t even know, I didn’t understand why. Why couldn’t you have married me? You’ve known me your whole life…Seriously, if you decide some day to get a divorce. Call me up. I’ll be here waiting for you.”
My first thoughts were, Take a number and join the line. You would definitely not be the first I’d call in that very unlikely scenario. With a heavy sigh, I just can’t bring myself to say it. Damn it, it’s not the right moment to tell you I don’t love you, I’ve never loved you. Do you ever take a moment to wonder why I have never asked you out? We are as vastly incompatible as two people could ever be. You’re a tactless, coarse, lazy jerk. I’m the cosmopolitan, emotional, ambitious dreamer. We get along as friends, but I’m jammed against this wall. I don’t want to hurt you; I don’t want to loose one of the few people I have left that remind me of memories of my past. This is the reason I want so badly to cling to this poisonous relationship, even though I should hurt you. This should be the end of it all. I really should let this all go…
Yet, I also know you will never believe any of my words, so why utter them? Maybe you will believe me if I convince you I’m not the person you think I am…
I take a moment, jump out of my skin, and I allow myself to be jabbed with these poisonous barbs. I dive into the dark side as I bruise my soul to escape…
“I’m not who you think I am. I have a very dark side you haven’t seen in a very long time. To be honest, I’ve only grown darker throughout these years… I'm strange. I'm weird. I'm a freak.”
“Oh, I think I remember what you are talking about. I am thinking back to the party, the moment you punched me so hard.”
“Yes, I’m a bitch. I’m definitely an emotional, retaliating bitch. I’m mean, abusive, unpleasant and vile. I’m sure I would definitely loose control and punch you again.”
“I don’t believe it… although if you are anything like your mom, I can see where you get your emotions from. I remember the time I was at one of your Halloween parties and wanted to stay the night. She said there was no way that was happening; she put a robe over her P.J.s and drove me home promptly at 3 AM.”
Although I was pretty livid initially about this really rude comment about my mother, recalling this situation also made me laugh. It was a connection we shared, I definitely remembered that moment. I wasn’t sad to see him go home that night.
“Why the hell would my mother let some strange boy stay the night? You were freaking delusional!”
“I don’t know… Well anyway, I don’t care what you say. I want the violence. I want you to yell at me. I want the retaliation. I want you the way you are because you are so beautiful. I love you.”
So ten years later, you finally utter the truth. It’s a truth that would have been better left buried for us both. There is something so wrong with your tactless selfish personality that you scare every girl away. Maybe you need to fix the problem within yourself; maybe you really need to find a way to change.
“Sorry, we are not meant to be together. We never were. I’m never going to get a divorce because I’m happily married. ( * ) You just need to move on with your life.”
“You’ll come back to me someday. You have to admit that you miss it here now that you’ve moved.”
“I have to admit, I’m glad I’ve moved so I can miss it here. If I lived here all the time, I would become bored. I received an award for being the most unique girl in my high school class. From the time I’ve graduated high school, I’ve known that I was never meant to stay here. I was never meant for this small town. I was meant to have an adventure. I was meant to explore and make a different in the world. I’m glad I have left. I’m never looking back.”
With these last words, the chilly autumn winds and this empty, misguided conversation had finally overcome me to the point where I bid this pseudo-friend farewell. They wanted to hang out some more but luckily did not have the funds to do so. I think I was ready to embrace loneliness again after this abrasive conversation.
(*) This person is obviously not poly, and it wouldn't matter if they were because I do not love them.
Ugh, so I traveled back to a lonely house. Back to these thoughts… What did this person expect to accomplish within this conversation? I’m not entirely sure. Maybe they just wanted to finally be completely honest after all these years. Or maybe they just wanted to let me know I’ve really touched them deeply from the moment we met in our past and the ripples of this effect will remain a part of their soul throughout eternity. I wonder if clinging to unrequited love better than having no hope for real love at all? I’m not sure, but I do ultimately wish happiness unto all. Like so many others that have crossed my path, I hope this link in my chain of admirers forgets about me and finds the happiness in life they desire...
I've had a lot on my mind for a while. I've wanted to write for ages. The quandary is whether I break it up, or somehow tie all these awkward, loose ends together. Hmm… I guess I’ll start in the past and work my way to the present and see how these thoughts transpire…
October flew by due to a whirlwind of activity. The first weekend I traveled back to my hometown for blackpaladin ’s wedding. It was a very lovely wedding and I had a very enjoyable time! It was worth the drive. I only wish I could have found some people to continue the celebration afterward, but my efforts were fruitless.
I drove 4.5 hours myself because my husband has been really ill with sinus problems since we returned from Pennsic. He made some really stupid decisions the week prior; mainly taking a trip to visit a friend the week before even though he was sick… which exacerbated his condition and made him miss work the following Monday. He really couldn’t afford to miss any more time from work, so I forced him to stay home. My parents were working that weekend, so I literally would have been going back to an empty house. Since the festivities ended relatively early since everything was outdoors, I called a pseudo-friend of mine who mentioned on Facebook they really wanted to hang out if I could make the time. Conveniently for them, that was the case.
I was pretty lonely and desperately craving some company. I felt like I was teetering between the sword and the blade of a knife… the only people I seem to be able to keep in my life are the ones who don’t belong in it.
This person and I have a very strange past. It started when I was in eighth grade and a friend from drum corps invited me to her birthday party. I really thought this guy was a total jerk. He thought it would be a great idea to sit next to me during a car ride and punch me in the arm to get my constant attention. It wasn’t a gingerly tap; it was a pretty hard punch! When the return car ride ended, I got out of the car and punched him so hard he was crying on the ground. I’m not particularly proud of that moment, but I tried everything else to get this boy to leave me alone. My arm was black and blue for two weeks!
My naive thoughts back then were that my action would surely get this creep to leave me alone. However, now as a behaviorist I realize I really should have ignored him. The function of his aggressive behavior was to get my attention because he really liked me. I gave him attention, even though it was negative, it still was attention nevertheless. He liked it. So he got my number from one of my friends and periodically called me every Halloween. My friends even brought him to a couple of my Halloween parties.
It was really strange; this jerk would call me randomly and unexpectedly within the following years. He called me to invite himself to my parties, which unfortunately no longer existed. He called often to tell me about his “exploits” with other girls, which to be honest, I really had no interest hearing about. He was really bizarre, but mind you, never even once asked me out on a date. Not really saying I ever had any interest in this person, but seriously I never even knew he had any interest. I pretty much thought we were just somewhat friends of friends. I don’t know.
Throughout the following years, we developed a pretty casual friendship. He’d call and ask me for advice, and I pretty much knew I could tell him whatever I had to say without reservation. He’s pretty tactless, laid-back, and compulsive but always welcomed the truth. So we’ve kept in correspondence. That’s when I realized; somewhere in the back of my mind…this guy has feelings for me. He always has, ever since those days of my black and blue arm. It didn’t faze me though, it’s not like he ever really expressed himself. It must have been a pretty low priority.
So I called him up and we met at the good ol’ clearview mall. Seriously, just walking through the doors I felt like a teenager again because that is the ONLY place to hang out with your high school friends. Just stepping into the building again was like taking that first jolting step into a brisk pool of water. All the memories surged back, I instantly felt ten years younger again… I’ve been back since I’ve moved, but it’s been ages since I’ve gone there just to meet with a shade from my past. We just had a mix of random, sarcastic conversations and just got up-to-date with our life stories. Over dinner, he asked me for career advice and we had a pretty productive conversation about our life goals. It was actually a fairly enjoyable encounter for a couple of hours.
Then as we were getting ready to leave the restaurant, he asked me, “Why didn’t you ever call?”
I was really confused, “What? I’ve always answered or returned your calls. We’ve always talked. I don’t understand what more I could have done.”
“I mean, why didn’t you call me when you were planning on getting married? I really wish you would have called me to let me know. To warn me.”
“I’m really sorry, we weren’t really friends back then. I’m honestly not sure what kind of relationship we had at that time. The only time I’ve ever heard from you were those sporadic times you called me to share your sexual exploits with other women, and to be honest, hearing what you told me always grossed me out.” There was silence.
Awkward silence… ugh. This is a really difficult conversation because I’ve spent my life with this vast pool of male friends, and to be honest; when I was engaged I didn’t know where I stood with almost all of them. I lost touch with a bunch, I let a bunch go because I knew they loved me but I could never love them back. I just lost touch with a few inadvertently because of college and student teaching consuming the other half of my time. I also just went through a really dark time a couple months before I got married, it wasn’t related to the act of getting married, it was with a different incident I’ll never speak of… but it was truly a dark time. Anyway, I guess I was really unsure of whom to invite, whom not to invite… so I guess many important people slipped my overwhelmed mind. I’ll always be regretful. I also had a very small wedding and invited very few people. I should have invited a few people that I didn’t. I should have forgotten about a few people, I unfortunately invited them even though they weren’t really my friends. Overall, I don’t regret getting married, but I really made the choice during a time of my life when my relationships with friends were still pretty fluid. If I had the choice again, I would definitely have cohabitated during college and then gotten married upon graduation… it seems like college graduation has pretty much solidified who is and is no longer in my life. Also, I would have had a lot of unnecessary prejudice from my family at that time if I chose to cohabitate, and to be honest, I didn’t want to fight it back then. I cohabitated for 2.5 months and it was unbearable to deal with my family during that brief time period. I know I’m my own person, but my family is so important to me, it just wasn’t worth it. It was much better to just get married so I could just keep living my happy life. Ugh, in retrospect, those 2.5 months of my “rebellion” indirectly paved the way for my sister. She has a boyfriend she has been cohabitating with for four years, and everyone in my family is now cool with it. *bangs head*
But I digress…I appreciate the friends that have been there with me every day of my life, not the ones who were only there for me during a certain time period so they could receive an invitation to a celebration one day of my life. At the same time, it looks like the revolving door in and out of my life will always be spinning…
My thoughts flow back to the conversation at hand… He added, “No, I wish you would have called me to let me know you were getting married so I could have talked you out of it. If I knew you were getting married, you could have married me. You should have married me so I wouldn’t have to be alone.”
“What are you talking about? Marriage doesn’t work that way! You don’t just randomly marry someone because you are lonely. Why would we have gotten married? We’ve never even had a relationship! Heck, we’ve never even been on a DATE! This outing is the first time we have even been out together!”
More awkward silence… as each moment cuts through me like a knife. For the first time ever in ten years, I see his humility. I want to utter the cold truth; it’s fiercely staring at me. I just can’t bring myself to say more. During this moment, like so many others, my compassion wins. My lips are sealed as he elaborates further.
“It’s just that I am twenty-five years old. I see all of my friends in relationships, getting married, and starting families. But I’m here alone. I’m left behind. I really want that life. There has to be something wrong, I was meant to be with you. I keep searching for someone, but I just can’t find anyone even half as amazing as you. You love science fiction; you’re so successful and kind. I was an idiot for not calling you. I was an idiot for never asking you out. I thought I had the time. When I heard you were getting married to someone I didn’t even know, I didn’t understand why. Why couldn’t you have married me? You’ve known me your whole life…Seriously, if you decide some day to get a divorce. Call me up. I’ll be here waiting for you.”
My first thoughts were, Take a number and join the line. You would definitely not be the first I’d call in that very unlikely scenario. With a heavy sigh, I just can’t bring myself to say it. Damn it, it’s not the right moment to tell you I don’t love you, I’ve never loved you. Do you ever take a moment to wonder why I have never asked you out? We are as vastly incompatible as two people could ever be. You’re a tactless, coarse, lazy jerk. I’m the cosmopolitan, emotional, ambitious dreamer. We get along as friends, but I’m jammed against this wall. I don’t want to hurt you; I don’t want to loose one of the few people I have left that remind me of memories of my past. This is the reason I want so badly to cling to this poisonous relationship, even though I should hurt you. This should be the end of it all. I really should let this all go…
Yet, I also know you will never believe any of my words, so why utter them? Maybe you will believe me if I convince you I’m not the person you think I am…
I take a moment, jump out of my skin, and I allow myself to be jabbed with these poisonous barbs. I dive into the dark side as I bruise my soul to escape…
“I’m not who you think I am. I have a very dark side you haven’t seen in a very long time. To be honest, I’ve only grown darker throughout these years… I'm strange. I'm weird. I'm a freak.”
“Oh, I think I remember what you are talking about. I am thinking back to the party, the moment you punched me so hard.”
“Yes, I’m a bitch. I’m definitely an emotional, retaliating bitch. I’m mean, abusive, unpleasant and vile. I’m sure I would definitely loose control and punch you again.”
“I don’t believe it… although if you are anything like your mom, I can see where you get your emotions from. I remember the time I was at one of your Halloween parties and wanted to stay the night. She said there was no way that was happening; she put a robe over her P.J.s and drove me home promptly at 3 AM.”
Although I was pretty livid initially about this really rude comment about my mother, recalling this situation also made me laugh. It was a connection we shared, I definitely remembered that moment. I wasn’t sad to see him go home that night.
“Why the hell would my mother let some strange boy stay the night? You were freaking delusional!”
“I don’t know… Well anyway, I don’t care what you say. I want the violence. I want you to yell at me. I want the retaliation. I want you the way you are because you are so beautiful. I love you.”
So ten years later, you finally utter the truth. It’s a truth that would have been better left buried for us both. There is something so wrong with your tactless selfish personality that you scare every girl away. Maybe you need to fix the problem within yourself; maybe you really need to find a way to change.
“Sorry, we are not meant to be together. We never were. I’m never going to get a divorce because I’m happily married. ( * ) You just need to move on with your life.”
“You’ll come back to me someday. You have to admit that you miss it here now that you’ve moved.”
“I have to admit, I’m glad I’ve moved so I can miss it here. If I lived here all the time, I would become bored. I received an award for being the most unique girl in my high school class. From the time I’ve graduated high school, I’ve known that I was never meant to stay here. I was never meant for this small town. I was meant to have an adventure. I was meant to explore and make a different in the world. I’m glad I have left. I’m never looking back.”
With these last words, the chilly autumn winds and this empty, misguided conversation had finally overcome me to the point where I bid this pseudo-friend farewell. They wanted to hang out some more but luckily did not have the funds to do so. I think I was ready to embrace loneliness again after this abrasive conversation.
(*) This person is obviously not poly, and it wouldn't matter if they were because I do not love them.
Ugh, so I traveled back to a lonely house. Back to these thoughts… What did this person expect to accomplish within this conversation? I’m not entirely sure. Maybe they just wanted to finally be completely honest after all these years. Or maybe they just wanted to let me know I’ve really touched them deeply from the moment we met in our past and the ripples of this effect will remain a part of their soul throughout eternity. I wonder if clinging to unrequited love better than having no hope for real love at all? I’m not sure, but I do ultimately wish happiness unto all. Like so many others that have crossed my path, I hope this link in my chain of admirers forgets about me and finds the happiness in life they desire...