Reduce Me To Love
Is it safe to come out and play? I've wasted half of this year not being myself. What gives? Is it a sin to have wine for breakfast? Is it a sin to let your dreams collect dust? What is the difference between what happened yesterday and a dream? Who wants to run away with me into tomorrow? Love is a mental illness. It is an illogical mess. Why else would one go out of their way for another who doesn't return even the slightest efforts? And yet continue to love? Why else would a man obsess over a woman who treats him like absolute dirt, and not rightfully obsess over a woman who treats him like a king? Oh, someone break my already broken heart. Someone steal my already stolen heart. I am a disenchanted princess locked in her tower. A princess who only hears stories of others' adventures from far away lands, and doesn't get to experience any of her own. I want to experience the magick and not be jealous of others' magick. I want to feel happy and not be envious of others' assumed happiness. Sigh.
Why do the selfish keep taking? Why do us givers continue to give? Are these our roles from birth? Are these our roles until death? Or even after that? Why can't people be nice for no reason? We are assholes for no reason many times. Why can't we be impulsively nice for no reason more? Is it in our nature to be so defensive? Why do we not say what we mean? Why must we say things we do not mean? Why do I think thoughts that I do not want to be thunk? Why don't we have more control? Why must it take alteration of our chemicals in order for (some of) us to be happy? Why did we start to feel bad in the first place? Will natural joy ever be easily attainable for all? For me?
New and exciting? Or old and familiar? Love is self-contradictory, remember. It does not make sense. And yet it does. If love is supposed to feel good, then why do I feel so bad? Is a responsible and mature love never to happen to me? Responsible for your own actions, yes. But to also be considerate enough to know that your actions may cause hurt to another. As well to know which of your actions can cause love. Is this type of love to be added to my list of things I long for but will never attain? Picture: A young lady being dropped off from a date. She waves one last goodbye after her goodnight kiss and enters her home. She shuts the door and presses her back on it. She wraps her arms around to her shoulders and closes her eyes. She smiles. She sighs. She is in love. ~ If I could feel what she feels, I might probably be able to be restore my joyous self. Instead of this mess I have succumbed to. You know..you know you know you don't. I could have left this scene so many times. I should have, maybe, but I'm still here. Why? Who knows. It doesn't make sense, and yet it does remember. It would be nice if my efforts were noted and appreciated and shown to me as such. And I'm sure that wish is dually requested.
Oh my goodness gracious! Why must my mind continue to torment me every single waking day? Have I not learnt my lesson yet? Why will you not let me move on? Is it false hope to ask that I not wake up every morning feeling sad? Can I go about a day without having pain in the way? There are so many things I have to do and am unable to do. There is too much static and clutter and not enough calm in my life. Am I forever to be bothered by everything? When did I turn into this? I was NEVER this bad. When did I become so fueled with anger, instead of fueled with love? Why can I not be addicted to that which is good for me, instead of that which destroys who I am?
I want to be good again. I want to be well. I want to love and be loved, without clutter of mind. I want to feel better. I only wish I could pass out like the drunks do. Pass out and miraculously wake up not remembering any of the hurt. Just waking up and starting anew. I wish to be rid of jealousies and insecurities and irrationalities. How do I go about that? Do I get rid of the source? How, by using the force? I only wonder if all that I long for will never enter my life. Is my fate to be that of the Argeş River bride?
The advice of religious folk is very wise. You may have to ix-nay on the religion and heed the advice. But what good is good advice when you do not know how to use it? I need to switch on the light switch, but it is too dark to find it. I see the light, clearly, but I find it hard to reach.
Sigh.
You're too young to be so miserable, they say. I completely fucking agree.
~ fin.
Why do the selfish keep taking? Why do us givers continue to give? Are these our roles from birth? Are these our roles until death? Or even after that? Why can't people be nice for no reason? We are assholes for no reason many times. Why can't we be impulsively nice for no reason more? Is it in our nature to be so defensive? Why do we not say what we mean? Why must we say things we do not mean? Why do I think thoughts that I do not want to be thunk? Why don't we have more control? Why must it take alteration of our chemicals in order for (some of) us to be happy? Why did we start to feel bad in the first place? Will natural joy ever be easily attainable for all? For me?
New and exciting? Or old and familiar? Love is self-contradictory, remember. It does not make sense. And yet it does. If love is supposed to feel good, then why do I feel so bad? Is a responsible and mature love never to happen to me? Responsible for your own actions, yes. But to also be considerate enough to know that your actions may cause hurt to another. As well to know which of your actions can cause love. Is this type of love to be added to my list of things I long for but will never attain? Picture: A young lady being dropped off from a date. She waves one last goodbye after her goodnight kiss and enters her home. She shuts the door and presses her back on it. She wraps her arms around to her shoulders and closes her eyes. She smiles. She sighs. She is in love. ~ If I could feel what she feels, I might probably be able to be restore my joyous self. Instead of this mess I have succumbed to. You know..you know you know you don't. I could have left this scene so many times. I should have, maybe, but I'm still here. Why? Who knows. It doesn't make sense, and yet it does remember. It would be nice if my efforts were noted and appreciated and shown to me as such. And I'm sure that wish is dually requested.
Oh my goodness gracious! Why must my mind continue to torment me every single waking day? Have I not learnt my lesson yet? Why will you not let me move on? Is it false hope to ask that I not wake up every morning feeling sad? Can I go about a day without having pain in the way? There are so many things I have to do and am unable to do. There is too much static and clutter and not enough calm in my life. Am I forever to be bothered by everything? When did I turn into this? I was NEVER this bad. When did I become so fueled with anger, instead of fueled with love? Why can I not be addicted to that which is good for me, instead of that which destroys who I am?
I want to be good again. I want to be well. I want to love and be loved, without clutter of mind. I want to feel better. I only wish I could pass out like the drunks do. Pass out and miraculously wake up not remembering any of the hurt. Just waking up and starting anew. I wish to be rid of jealousies and insecurities and irrationalities. How do I go about that? Do I get rid of the source? How, by using the force? I only wonder if all that I long for will never enter my life. Is my fate to be that of the Argeş River bride?
The advice of religious folk is very wise. You may have to ix-nay on the religion and heed the advice. But what good is good advice when you do not know how to use it? I need to switch on the light switch, but it is too dark to find it. I see the light, clearly, but I find it hard to reach.
Sigh.
You're too young to be so miserable, they say. I completely fucking agree.
~ fin.