Weeding the garden of my mind.
Slowly crawling through my own brain. Found my anxiety-specific CBT book (which I forgot I owned, and had read, until I saw it on Amazon) and starting to notice "Oh, I do that. Wait have I been having anxiety problems all along?" But fairly sure I'm not being a hypochondriac about it, given my history of not noticing that I have anxiety problems. When I picked up CBT in 2008 and started reading about the anatomy of a panic attack, I realized that years of IBS may not be solely based on my dietary habits.
Am starting to wonder if I would have noticed this sooner if my doctors hadn't all assumed fatigue = depression. If one had asked if I thought I might be having anxiety problems, things might be different now. And I didn't notice myself b/c BRAINFOG.
I still haven't found an immediate technique for my hypervigilance, the 'anxiety hiccups'. So I made up my own. Whenever I have a corner-of-the-eye twitch and/or freak out, I just take a deep breath. And I'm remembering to do that so far, so yay. Most of the anti-phobia techniques in my books require me to sit and think about the thinks I'm phobic over for 15 minutes a day, and I'm not doing that at work and I have been too tired to try it at home yet this week.
My needler also recommended the Sedona method, which I have not yet researched. CBT seems to have brought me to a point where if I get upset, my brain will logically break down why I'm actually upset. But that doesn't always stop me from feeling upset. So I'm willing to try other techniques.
I'm remembering to meditate a leetle bit more. On the subway. And in the bathtub, now that its clean enough to have baths in again. Yaaaaay.
Its a BIG help that I've intentionally cut social events out of my daily life for the time being. Instead of going out when I feel slightly better, I'm using my less fogged brain to try and work out what's actually going on with me. And to get back in the habit of at-home, low energy things that make me happy. Also, I don't have to stress or strain to make myself fit for human companionship when I'm not up for it, which saves more spoons in the long run. I've spent a lot of energy in my life catering to other people's needs in one way or another, now its time for me to cater to myself.
I also think I need a new wellness scale, b/c my brain just can't deal with the 1-10 version right now. It requires me to be able to remember and compare how I felt on past days, and its just hot happening. So now I'm doing common qualities of how I feel, matched with numbers.
So far I've got:
1-Horrible
2-Thud
3-Meh
4-OK
5-Yay?
6-Yay!
7-Old normal
Will see how this works out. I think having words & specific qualities will make it easier for me to gauge things.
In more fun news (I think?) my b'day is coming up. I'm working out what fripperies I want to splurge on in advance, in the hopes that I don't ruin 2 months of not overspending my budget. So far I'm thinking about fancy chocolate & BPAL (limited stuff from their Etsy shop). There's also a light weight gothy jacket that I like, but many factors make that a less sure transaction. At least if I don't wear the BPAL right away, the perfume will still fit me when I start leaving the house more often, and I won't have to wait for the right weather pattern to use them.
Still not sure how to organize my b'day party. Bareburger would be easier with a reservation, and the ppl I know tend towards flakey, and FB doesn't let you send reminder messages to everyone on your invite list anymore. Also, which of my friends are going to wait until Saturday to see Star Trek? *sigh*
Also trying to figure out if I want to take some time off around my b'day. But I also want to conserve time off for sick days. Will mull it over some more.
<3 Chrysilla
Crossposted from Dreamwidth, http://chrysilla.dreamwidth.org/
Am starting to wonder if I would have noticed this sooner if my doctors hadn't all assumed fatigue = depression. If one had asked if I thought I might be having anxiety problems, things might be different now. And I didn't notice myself b/c BRAINFOG.
I still haven't found an immediate technique for my hypervigilance, the 'anxiety hiccups'. So I made up my own. Whenever I have a corner-of-the-eye twitch and/or freak out, I just take a deep breath. And I'm remembering to do that so far, so yay. Most of the anti-phobia techniques in my books require me to sit and think about the thinks I'm phobic over for 15 minutes a day, and I'm not doing that at work and I have been too tired to try it at home yet this week.
My needler also recommended the Sedona method, which I have not yet researched. CBT seems to have brought me to a point where if I get upset, my brain will logically break down why I'm actually upset. But that doesn't always stop me from feeling upset. So I'm willing to try other techniques.
I'm remembering to meditate a leetle bit more. On the subway. And in the bathtub, now that its clean enough to have baths in again. Yaaaaay.
Its a BIG help that I've intentionally cut social events out of my daily life for the time being. Instead of going out when I feel slightly better, I'm using my less fogged brain to try and work out what's actually going on with me. And to get back in the habit of at-home, low energy things that make me happy. Also, I don't have to stress or strain to make myself fit for human companionship when I'm not up for it, which saves more spoons in the long run. I've spent a lot of energy in my life catering to other people's needs in one way or another, now its time for me to cater to myself.
I also think I need a new wellness scale, b/c my brain just can't deal with the 1-10 version right now. It requires me to be able to remember and compare how I felt on past days, and its just hot happening. So now I'm doing common qualities of how I feel, matched with numbers.
So far I've got:
1-Horrible
2-Thud
3-Meh
4-OK
5-Yay?
6-Yay!
7-Old normal
Will see how this works out. I think having words & specific qualities will make it easier for me to gauge things.
In more fun news (I think?) my b'day is coming up. I'm working out what fripperies I want to splurge on in advance, in the hopes that I don't ruin 2 months of not overspending my budget. So far I'm thinking about fancy chocolate & BPAL (limited stuff from their Etsy shop). There's also a light weight gothy jacket that I like, but many factors make that a less sure transaction. At least if I don't wear the BPAL right away, the perfume will still fit me when I start leaving the house more often, and I won't have to wait for the right weather pattern to use them.
Still not sure how to organize my b'day party. Bareburger would be easier with a reservation, and the ppl I know tend towards flakey, and FB doesn't let you send reminder messages to everyone on your invite list anymore. Also, which of my friends are going to wait until Saturday to see Star Trek? *sigh*
Also trying to figure out if I want to take some time off around my b'day. But I also want to conserve time off for sick days. Will mull it over some more.
<3 Chrysilla
Crossposted from Dreamwidth, http://chrysilla.dreamwidth.org/