Love Through Music (Part Two)
Love Through Music part two
“So tell me Jensen, just how many of Priestly's t-shirts were you able to keep, hmmmm?” If it took Jared a moment to actually focus on Jensen's face when he looked over at him, then clearly the alcohol and sleep deprivation had affected him quicker than he thought possible. It had absolutely nothing to do with the way Jensen's eyes reflected the light from the television.
Jensen rolled his eyes at Jared's question, as they both knew that was one of the most frequently asked questions for Jensen. “I kept two of the t-shirts, Jared, and no, I'm not telling you which, and no, you can't raid my closet to find them either. You really need to come up with a different question after watching this movie.”
“Well what else can I ask? Oh! I know, would you ever actually get a tattoo on your neck?”
“No, I would never get a tattoo anywhere that my family could see it. You know how my mom would freak out. And besides, the morning after my twenty-fifth birthday, I vowed that no matter how drunk I may be, I will never get a tattoo.”
Jared looked over at Jensen in surprise, as this was something that he had never heard him say before. “Really? Well, why did you make that decision on that day in particular?” The alcohol was starting to get to him he realized, as he stumbled over the words as he spoke.
Jensen looked faintly amused as he turned to Jared and replied, “Because the morning after my twenty-fifth birthday, I woke up with a pounding headache, suffering from the worst hangover that I had ever had, and discovered a bandage still covering my new tattoo. And it hurt like hell, so no. Not going through that again drunk or sober.”
Jared's jaw dropped open as he tried to recall if he had ever seen this mysterious tattoo of Jensen's. “You have a tattoo!?!? Where's your tattoo? And does anyone else know about it? And how do I not know about it?” he asked rapidly, not bothering to take in a breath between questions.
“I'm not telling you where it is, because no one but me knows exactly where it is. Chris and Steve know that I have a tattoo, and they both have an idea about where my tattoo is, but they've never asked, and I really don't plan on ever telling them. And I don't really think any of my ex-girlfriends may know about it, but any who did know about it at one time have probably forgotten all about it. As for why I didn't tell you, it just isn't something I talk about on a daily basis, you know? It wasn't because I don't trust you or anything like that, because I do. Trust you, I mean. If I didn't, you still wouldn't know that I have a tattoo I just think it's an embarrassing story to tell, and sadly all embarrassing stories make it to Mike's ears. I really don't need him to find out about this one too.” Jared looked Jensen in the eyes, and could tell that despite the alcohol flowing through both of their bodies, Jensen was telling him the truth.
It was seeing just how much Jensen trusted him that led Jared to open his mouth once more. “Sandy and I broke up the week before filming began again,” he said suddenly. If they had been having any other conversation, he would have considered Jensen's shocked stare to be a very amusing expression. As it was, he just felt a bit bad for springing it on his best friend when he knew without a doubt that no one outside of the two of them had even suspected that things were less that perfect between the two of them.
“Sorry, I didn't mean to just drop that on you. It's just… we weren't really happy together anymore. We've both grown up, and grown apart as clichéd as that may sound. We were both just ready to move on with our lives. We still love one another, but Sandy confessed that she had been beginning to have feelings for other guys, and we didn't think it was fair to be together when we aren't in love with each other anymore. So we broke up and agreed to keep things quiet about our break up for now. I just didn't want to deal with massive amounts of fan mail, and she didn't want to risk going out with the wrong guy.”
“So I assume you're still friends then, since I've heard the two of you talking on the phone off and on for ages. Actually, I'm glad you told me. This kinda cleared up a lot of things that I had been wondering about. I mean, there was a tine when you never went a full day without talking to Sandy on the phone, and lately you guys hadn't been doing that. I thought something was up, but I hadn't heard anything along those lines. Plus, your family didn't call me asking me to keep an eye on you this time.”
“Yeah… wait… what?!? My family has called you to tell you to look out for me?” Jared was thoroughly shocked by this new tidbit of information. Although he knew his parents worried about him being so far away from home, he had never thought that they would ever call on his best friend to keep them updated. He was both flattered that his family cared enough about him to keep tabs on him, and embarrassed that they would go so far as to ask his best friend to keep track of him for them. After all, he wasn’t accident prone or anything, he didn’t need his costar and best friend to babysit him or anything.
“Jensen, I'm so sorry that my family has been pestering you about taking care of me. When did they even start asking? And why?” He couldn't believe that Jensen had never mentioned this before and wondered why the other man had never mentioned this to him before.
“Nah, I didn't mind. I'm pretty sure they started asking after you broke your wrist again at the start of the second season. After that, everyone was telling me to keep an eye on you. Chad called to tell me to keep you from falling down and breaking your face or ass the second time around. Tom and Mike wanted me to stay over so that you didn't hurt yourself while you were still loopy on drugs or drunk from partying with us. Even Kripke, Shiban, and the others had be under strict orders to make sure you couldn't hurt yourself again. Especially Shiban. I think he just didn't want to think up new reasons for Sam to break his wrist again,” he finished with a smile.
Jared was somewhat mortified at the explanation he had just heard, and fully intended to yell at everyone for putting all of that pressure on Jensen when what he had said finally registered in his head. Jensen had said he didn't mind watching out for him, and for some reason, that just made him feel content. So content, that he was willing to change the subject to save Jensen from having to explain what else he had to do to help him out on set.
“So everyone calls you to tell you to take care of me, yet they all call me to tell me I'm an idiot. That is so not fair! Everyone likes you more than they like me,” he whined as he picked up another bottle of beer.
“Everyone does not like me better than you. I just happen to listen to them better than you ever do, so they figured if they told both of us, that at least one person would hear their concern and watch over your giant, clumsy ass,” Jensen said amusedly.
“Nobody loves me. Sandy doesn't love me anymore, and I'm pretty sure my parents like Megan more. And I don't have anyone but you to talk me out of this train of thought. Why don't I have someone? It's been weeks since we broke up, ya know. I mean you've been on dates, so why can't I date?”
Jared glanced over when he saw Jensen quickly reach for his beer. He was surprised when Jensen drained whatever was left in the bottle before speaking again. “If you're looking to date just because I'm dating, then there is something very wrong here. Besides, I'm just dating because I haven't been able to bring myself to tell the person I love that I do love them,” Jensen finished quietly.
Jared stared at Jensen in shock and asked, “You're in love with someone? Do I know her?” He hadn't heard Jensen speak of anyone new in life, so he was thoroughly blind sided by the information.
Jensen gave him a wry smile and replied, “Not a her.”
The fact that Jensen liked people of both sexes was not a new fact to Jared. It was actually one of the things they had learned that they had in common after a night out with Tom and Mike back during the first season. The fact that he was actually in love with a guy though, that was a new one. “I thought you don't usually fall for guys. At least not seriously.”
“I don't usually. I mean, I never have before. I've gone on a couple of dates and there may or may not have been a one night stand back when I first reached LA, but I've never really fallen for a guy until now.”
Jared allowed this bit of information to process itself before he picked up on one of the other details that Jensen had let slip. “You haven't told him yet?”
“I'm too scared to,” he said quietly.
This surprised Jared as Jensen rarely ever admitted to being afraid of anything, it was one of the many ways that he and Dean Winchester were exactly the same. “You don't know how he'll react?”
“No, that's not the problem. The problem is that I do know exactly how he'll react.”
“You know him that well already?”
“Yeah. And he knows me that well too. I just know I'm not going to be able to hide it from him much longer,” Jensen said.
Jared found it hard to believe that Jensen had become that close to someone without him ever even noticing it, but he was happy for him. He still couldn't figure out why Jensen hadn't admitted to the guy that he was in love with him yet. He also couldn't figure out why Jensen hadn't talked to him about this. “So wait, are you saying that you want to hide it? It's not that you just can't bring yourself to tell him?”
Jensen sighed and replied, “A few weeks ago I still would have been unable to tell him. Now? Now I could easily tell him the truth. I just don't think he's ready to hear it.”
Jared was slowly beginning to understand just how hard it was for Jensen to open up to someone, yet he couldn't help but wonder just why Jensen hadn't even tried to talk to him about this. They always talked to one another about their problems, or about the major changes in their lives. They had decided early on in the first season that their relationship, and the show would suffer if they hid things from each other. Although it would probably make Jensen uncomfortable, Jared knew that he just had to ask him for the truth about why he hid this from him. “Jen, why didn't you tell me earlier?” he asked quietly.
“I wanted to,” he whispered. “I just didn't know how to. I've never liked anyone like this before, let alone another guy. I barely understand it, and I can't even explain it to you properly,” he said as he leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. “And I didn't know if you would get it. You and Sandy have, I mean had, been together for years. It was different for you. Plus it is terrifying to admit how out of control I am in this situation.”
“So you didn't tell anyone?” Jared asked sympathetically.
Jensen ducked his head as he said, “Not quite. When I was in LA over the hiatus, Steve and Chris were able to pick up on the fact that my mind was sorta occupied. They just kept staring at me, trying to figure out who I was thinking about. I eventually cracked and turned red,” he admitted hiding his face in his hands.
“So you told them then?” he asked in amusement.
“They pried it out of me during one our many jam sessions. I couldn't hide it from them!”
“Wow.”
“Yeah. I would have killed them for making me talk about it, but they bribed me with demo copies of their new songs, like the one I gave you. Plus they gave me an open invite to sing at any or all of their concerts this summer when we're on hiatus. They both promised that they won't make a big deal about it if I join them on stage, which is cool.”
“Damn! You gonna tour with 'em?” Jared asked.
“Depends.”
“On what?”
“On whether or not I'm in a relationship by then.”
Jared stared at Jensen in surprise when he realized that Jensen really would pass out on performing over the summer if he were seeing someone. “You would honestly choose a guy over music? You live for music. You love it almost as much as you love acting.”
Jensen finally looked over at Jared again for the first time since they had begun having this conversation. “I wouldn't choose a guy over music… I'd choose love over work, but I don't think love and music are mutually exclusive. But like I said, at this point it is still just a big “if” at this point. If I'm with someone, then I'm going to be with that person. In the past I've put my career before my relationships and my life, but I don't want that anymore. I just want to be with someone and be happy.”
Jared smiled at Jensen and pointed out, “Well, he'd be an idiot to know you and not want to be with you all of the time.” It was true; Jared knew Jensen extremely well, and he always wanted to be with him. From the moment they had met, they had instantly clicked. They had become best friends in an instant, and even now, knowing each other's numerous flaws and quirks, they still spent more time together than they did apart.
Jensen chuckled and shook his head at what Jared had said. “Jared, are you paraphrasing my movies now?”
It took a while for his words to actually register in Jared's mind, but once they did, Jared couldn't help but laugh. “Shut up! I'm drunk. That's the only reason you got away with putting in the DVD of New York Minute,” he said while pouting.
“Yeah, yeah. You could spare yourself and pretend to pass out from the alcohol, you know. Then you wouldn't have to worry about your scenes with the Olsen twins,” he observed with a laugh.
“I hate you,” Jared groaned. Now that he thought about it, he was feeling really sleepy.
“And yet you actually choose to hang out with me.”
Jared let his head fall back against the couch as he sarcastically asked, “Why do I put up with you?” He let his eyes close as he waited for Jensen to respond.
Jensen watched Jared slowly fall asleep, and it wasn't until he was certain that the other man was asleep that he quietly whispered, “I don't know….”
~*~*~*~*~
Jared woke up with a crick in his neck and the smell of fresh coffee coming from somewhere nearby him. He heard Sadie and Harley moving around but since they weren't prodding him, he assumed they had been taken care of. Absurdly enough, it was that, and not the coffee that actually caused him to wake up completely in a flash. As he sat up, he looked around for his dogs and saw them competing for Jensen's attention as he lay on the floor in the sunlight coming in through the open window.
I wish I were lying there too. Jared blinked in surprise as that thought flitted across his mind suddenly. He had no idea where the thought had come from, but he couldn't find it in himself to analyze it further as Harley bounded over to him having noticed that his owner was finally awake now.
“Morning, Jared. Sleep well?” Jensen asked happily.
“Morning Jensen. And yeah, I slept okay… But when exactly did I fall asleep?” he asked in confusion.
“We were talking and then there was a period of silence, and I'm pretty sure I fell asleep soon after you did. Sorry if you right arm is sore; I think I fell over and ended up leaning against your arm most of the night,” he said sheepishly.
The knowledge that Jensen had slept on top of him during the night didn't bother him as it had happened to them more than once over the past couple seasons. “My arm's fine. Sorry I fell asleep on you though.”
“Man, stop worrying. Besides, I told you to fall asleep so that you would stop worrying about watching your movie, remember?”
Jared gave in and laughed, playing with his dogs on the floor next to Jensen. “So when did you wake up?”
“I got up almost two hours ago. These two,” he said scratching Sadie behind her ears, “were trying to wake you up to feed them, but they finally gave up and woke me up instead. Which was fine, because I needed to get up anyway. Want some coffee?”
“Coffee would be awesome, but I'm just going to jump into the shower really quickly since I swear I still have makeup from filming embedded in my skin. Be back in a few.”
“Kay, I'll just be sitting here with these two still.”
Jared walked down the hallway to his bedroom still puzzling over the bizarre thought that had run through his mind only minutes earlier. He just couldn't figure out what was stranger about the thought: the fact that it had popped into his mind in the first place, or the fact that the sentiment behind it didn't bother him in the slightest.
~*~*~*~*~
A little bit later, Jared reentered his living room and found Jensen lying on the couch listening to something playing from the stereo. Jared didn't recognize the song, but he could tell that it was a Kane song. “New song?” he asked as the song came to an end.
“Hmmm? Yeah. They handed me a few, I'm just spreading them out. I actually meant to listen to it before now, but I decided that now was a good time to check it out, and I have to say that I like the way this one turned out as well.”
“Oh yeah? Start it over then.”
“Nah, I'll just leave it with you. I have some laundry and other boring things to do today, and then I plan on going to sleep really, really early. I just stuck around to say bye and thanks again for letting me crash last night.”
“It was no big. I'll listen to the new song in a few minutes.” Jared quickly debated with himself on whether or not he should mention their conversation the night before and decided to go with it. “And Jensen? Thanks for trusting me last night with, you know.”
Jensen smiled, “I do trust you, Jared, with everything. Anyway, I'll see you tomorrow. Call me to make sure I actually get up, okay?”
“Yeah, no problem. See ya tomorrow, Jensen.”
Jensen let himself out of Jared's apartment, and Jared turned to start the song over from the beginning. As the music began, he couldn't help but compare the two songs to each other. While Steve's song had been a ballad, Chris's was already looking like it was going to be another country-rock hit, with pounding beats, and a rhythm that grabbed the listener from the very first note. And then, Chris began to sing.
Cars speedin' around
Windows rolled on down
Our one day of freedom in the sun.
A long week of work is finally done
It's time to drop all stress and just have fun
Jared couldn't help but be amused by how appropriate the song was. It was almost like Jensen had just planned to listen to that song on their day off. For whatever reason, he wasn't going to complain. He just knew for a fact that he loved this new song already.
Just chillin' out
Kickin' back
Hit the bar
Have a pack
Enjoyin' ourselves for the first time in a while.
Just chillin' out
Kickin' back
Passin' out - just
Hit the sack
Sleepin' more than an hour at a time
The good times somehow make it all worthwhile.
Jared was nodding to the beat already imagining how it would sound being sung live at a Kane concert. Almost everyone he knew would love this song, from his brother and sister, to Jensen, Chad, Mike, Tom, and Sandy. The last time they had a guys' night out here in Vancouver, Mike had declared that they needed to have an official guys' night out theme song, and Jared was pretty sure that he was already listening to it.
Now I'm finally stress free
For once just happy to be
Myself with my friends for a few
Our time of freedom's nearly done,
But we've still got time to have more fun,
So let's relax for a while out in the sun.
As he listened to the song, an image flashed into his mind of Jensen, Harley, and Sadie lying in the pool of sunlight on the floor a few feet from where he was sitting on the couch. The sheer peace and relaxation in Jensen's posture, and the warmth from the sunlight relaxed Jared even more as he continued to listen to Chris sing the chorus loud and strong.
Just chillin' out
Kickin' back
Hit the bar
Have a pack
Enjoyin' ourselves for the first time in a while.
Just chillin' out
Kickin' back
Passin' out - just
Hit the sack
Sleepin' more than an hour at a time
The good times somehow make it all worthwhile.
The song was absolutely perfect, and Jared was beginning to get weirded out by how perfect it was. The song was a perfect summary of the past twenty-four hours since they had gotten out of work, but there had to be an explanation for it. He was delusional. Just because the song had described his perfect day off didn't mean that it had anything to do with him. Sure it was a song by a guy he knew thanks to his best friend, but that didn't mean anything. Right?
~*~*~*~*~
The very next day at work they once again had some time to relax between scenes, and decided to just take it easy and talk about the episode that they were filming. It was slightly different from the usual ones, and they knew the scenes between their characters were going to be emotionally draining, as the episode was something that would hit both Sam and Dean hard. It was about a couple who had been deeply in love with one another until one day the woman died when she was hit by a car after saving her husband's life. The husband committed suicide in his grief, but he couldn't manage to move on, so he was stuck as a spirit. Both Jensen and Jared knew that this episode would bring up tough memories for both brothers, and they were enjoying their break from filming the angst.
To pass the time and keep from falling asleep, the two talked about their own opinions on the episode. “Do you actually think it's possible to get over the loss of a loved one?” Jensen asked.
Jared thought about it in terms of his own experiences and answered without any hesitation. “Yeah, I absolutely think a person can get over that loss. It's just moving on, finding something new, or even someone new, that can make you feel happy again. That's what has happened with pretty much everyone I know. Even you. I mean you loved your girlfriends at the time, but you've moved on since then,” he pointed out.
“Well, what about true love then? True love, soul mates, the all-consuming love that you can have for another person. What about that? Can you move on from that sort of a connection with someone? Just forget how wonderful your life was and accept something else as being equally amazing? And I'm not talking about one sided relations, but the real deal.”
Jared could tell that Jensen had given this matter some thought based on the way he had framed his question. He considered this new angle that he hadn't previously considered, and decided that Jensen did sort of have a point. “I guess you're right. I've never really thought about soul mates. Yeah, I've seen them in stories, in movies, and I'd like to believe that my parents are soul mates, but I've just never known anything like it before.”
“Of course you haven't, Jared. You have something like that come through your life, you don't just let it slip by. You have to hold onto it, because it's the only thing worth having,” Jensen replied immediately.
Jared paused and listened to the conviction that his best friend spoke with. “Jensen, how do you know this? You're like me, aren't you? You haven't had that wonderful life with your soul mate. Have do you know it even exists?” he asked. He wanted to believe more than almost anything else, but he just couldn't bring himself to accept what Jensen was saying. It wasn't that he only believed in the things that he could prove on his own or see proved by someone else, but when it came to love, he just needed something to show him where to look. He had never believed in soul mates because he was just too scared of someday discovering that there wasn't that one person that he was meant to be with. So hearing Jensen advocate the idea of soul mates had the potential to alter his entire way of thinking. “How can you believe in something that you aren't sure you've ever seen?”
Jensen smiled in response. “Well, assuming you don't want to get into a theological or metaphysical discussion about believing in things that you can't always see, just call me a romantic.”
“You mean you're a hopeless romantic?” Jared clarified. He just figured that Jensen had gotten the term jumbled up in his head.
“See, I never understood that phrase, Jared. I think love and romance are full of hope. You can't have a true romance without it, so why label someone who believes in romance 'hopeless'? It just doesn't seem logical. And as for the whole soul mates thing, not to sound like a twelve year old girl or anything like that, I've just always loved the idea of there being someone who knows you through and through, someone who lets you see who they really are, someone who you can love and who loves you unconditionally forever. And I swear, if you ever repeat this to any of our friends, I will come and rock salt your ass,” Jensen said with a smile.
Jared just laughed in response and they began running their lines, Jensen's words running through his mind.
The following days were incredibly hectic, as if the television gods and the other powers that be were trying to make them pay for having enjoyed their perfect day off. Jared and Jensen were filming take after take of a really intense argument between the brothers and some other hunters, and filming it over and over was just wearing them down. Finally, the PA came over and told them that they were going to be reviewing the takes to see if they needed to film the scene again, but until then, the actors were all free to relax for a while.
Jared didn't need any further suggestions and he grabbed Jensen and they headed towards their trailers once again. “Quick nap?” he asked hopefully.
“Probably not a good idea,” Jensen replied. “Knowing them, they'll come back in five minutes to tell us to get ready to be thrown into a wall.”
Jared stared at him for a moment before asking, “Are we actually getting thrown into a wall in this episode? I thought they promised us at least two episodes without being thrown into a wall or other piece of household furniture.”
“You're right. You're not actually getting thrown into anything, and I'm not getting thrown into a wall either. I'm getting thrown into a tree,” he moaned in dread.
They had finally reached Jared's trailer which was closer, and they entered and crashed on the closest couch and recliner. “That sucks, man. Maybe they'll be nice and let you film it tomorrow.”
“Honestly, I think at this point I'd rather just get it over with and film it today. I really don't feel like prolonging these aches any more than necessary, and being thrown into a tree will prolong it.”
Jared couldn't help but feel bad for Jensen. After all, wasn't Dean abused enough on their show as it was? Did they really need to have demons throwing him into trees when the verbal battles with hunters were just as painful and draining? He was just about to respond when a knock came on the trailer door. “Come in!” he yelled back. There was no way either one of them were going to be getting up to answer the door.
“Good news guys, the last take was perfect, so we just need to film the first part of this episode's fight scene before it gets much darker, but then I swear you're both free to go. And you don't need to be back on set until late tomorrow morning, so you should be able to get a good night's sleep.”
Jared glanced over at Jensen who was barely staying upright in the chair before he turned back to the PA and sighed. “Yeah, we'll be right out,” he told the PA. After she left, he looked at Jensen once more and said, “C'mon man. The sooner we do this, the sooner we can go to my place to feed the dogs and crash.”
“Your place?” Jensen asked in confusion, “why are we going to your place?”
“Because my place is closer and you told me this morning that you haven't had a chance to go grocery shopping in the last couple of days. You're going to be in enough pain from shooting - you shouldn't be starving as well when you go to sleep. Just promise me we won't fall asleep on the couch this time. My neck was still sore even after sleeping in my bed the next night.”
“Yeah, that's not a problem. I can sleep on the recliner or on the floor even,” Jensen said as he dragged himself out of the chair and out the trailer door.
As he followed Jensen out of the trailer Jared said, “Don't be stupid, Jensen. You've seen how big my bed is - the two of us can easily fit on it without a problem. Let's just hope we survive filming for the rest of today.”
~*~*~*~*~
Kripke was trying to kill them. That really was the only explanation for the amount of pain that they were in. Even though they had reached Jared's place over an hour ago, they were still lying where they had collapsed with heat packs pressed against their newest bruises while Harley and Sadie prodded them to make sure that the two men on the floor were still alive. Jared had felt bad for Jensen when he was thrown into the tree, but then he stopped feeling sorry for Jensen and instead started feeling sorry for himself as he found himself being knocked to the ground repeatedly as the same monster was attacking him. These were really the only times where he ever truly regretted how tall he was as he could feel every inch of his 6' 5” frame hit the ground, jarring every part of his body, every single time.
But it was over, and that was all that mattered. At least, that was what the two men had been trying to convince themselves of for the past hour or so. Jared was convinced that the longer he used the heat pack, the more he actually became aware of just how much pain he was in. And judging from the groans coming from where Jensen had crashed he assumed the same went for him as well.
“Jared? Please don't let them throw me into a tree again, okay? Please?” Jared winced as he could practically see the pain coloring Jensen's voice.
“Sure,” he agreed. “Just as long as you promise not to let them drop me to the ground anymore this season.”
“Kay. So do you want to get something to eat?” It wasn't until Jensen asked that Jared realized that it had been hours since they had last eaten something properly. They had each had a granola bar so that they didn't end up taking the painkillers on an empty stomach, but that wasn't going to tide them over for much longer.
“I have the phone number for the sub shop programmed on my cell. Or we can go with anything else too. I have other phone numbers on my cell, but a lot of them won't actually deliver. And I really don't think I can get up and drive.” Just the thought of moving his arm to open the car sent a pain of pain through his body. There was no way he'd survive a five minute car ride.
“Me neither. Sandwiches sound fine by me, but I don't think I'm up for my usual. I think my stomach will fight me if I go for the roast beef.”
Jared looked over at Jensen in concern. “So do you want chicken or turkey with the advil or just veggies?”
Jensen grimaced as he moved again, and said, “Veggie please.”
Jared made the call and ordered their sandwiches. According to Kathryn on the other end, it would be between fifteen and twenty minutes before their sandwiches reached them, so Jared figured they had about ten more minutes before they had to try getting up off of the floor.
Part Three
“So tell me Jensen, just how many of Priestly's t-shirts were you able to keep, hmmmm?” If it took Jared a moment to actually focus on Jensen's face when he looked over at him, then clearly the alcohol and sleep deprivation had affected him quicker than he thought possible. It had absolutely nothing to do with the way Jensen's eyes reflected the light from the television.
Jensen rolled his eyes at Jared's question, as they both knew that was one of the most frequently asked questions for Jensen. “I kept two of the t-shirts, Jared, and no, I'm not telling you which, and no, you can't raid my closet to find them either. You really need to come up with a different question after watching this movie.”
“Well what else can I ask? Oh! I know, would you ever actually get a tattoo on your neck?”
“No, I would never get a tattoo anywhere that my family could see it. You know how my mom would freak out. And besides, the morning after my twenty-fifth birthday, I vowed that no matter how drunk I may be, I will never get a tattoo.”
Jared looked over at Jensen in surprise, as this was something that he had never heard him say before. “Really? Well, why did you make that decision on that day in particular?” The alcohol was starting to get to him he realized, as he stumbled over the words as he spoke.
Jensen looked faintly amused as he turned to Jared and replied, “Because the morning after my twenty-fifth birthday, I woke up with a pounding headache, suffering from the worst hangover that I had ever had, and discovered a bandage still covering my new tattoo. And it hurt like hell, so no. Not going through that again drunk or sober.”
Jared's jaw dropped open as he tried to recall if he had ever seen this mysterious tattoo of Jensen's. “You have a tattoo!?!? Where's your tattoo? And does anyone else know about it? And how do I not know about it?” he asked rapidly, not bothering to take in a breath between questions.
“I'm not telling you where it is, because no one but me knows exactly where it is. Chris and Steve know that I have a tattoo, and they both have an idea about where my tattoo is, but they've never asked, and I really don't plan on ever telling them. And I don't really think any of my ex-girlfriends may know about it, but any who did know about it at one time have probably forgotten all about it. As for why I didn't tell you, it just isn't something I talk about on a daily basis, you know? It wasn't because I don't trust you or anything like that, because I do. Trust you, I mean. If I didn't, you still wouldn't know that I have a tattoo I just think it's an embarrassing story to tell, and sadly all embarrassing stories make it to Mike's ears. I really don't need him to find out about this one too.” Jared looked Jensen in the eyes, and could tell that despite the alcohol flowing through both of their bodies, Jensen was telling him the truth.
It was seeing just how much Jensen trusted him that led Jared to open his mouth once more. “Sandy and I broke up the week before filming began again,” he said suddenly. If they had been having any other conversation, he would have considered Jensen's shocked stare to be a very amusing expression. As it was, he just felt a bit bad for springing it on his best friend when he knew without a doubt that no one outside of the two of them had even suspected that things were less that perfect between the two of them.
“Sorry, I didn't mean to just drop that on you. It's just… we weren't really happy together anymore. We've both grown up, and grown apart as clichéd as that may sound. We were both just ready to move on with our lives. We still love one another, but Sandy confessed that she had been beginning to have feelings for other guys, and we didn't think it was fair to be together when we aren't in love with each other anymore. So we broke up and agreed to keep things quiet about our break up for now. I just didn't want to deal with massive amounts of fan mail, and she didn't want to risk going out with the wrong guy.”
“So I assume you're still friends then, since I've heard the two of you talking on the phone off and on for ages. Actually, I'm glad you told me. This kinda cleared up a lot of things that I had been wondering about. I mean, there was a tine when you never went a full day without talking to Sandy on the phone, and lately you guys hadn't been doing that. I thought something was up, but I hadn't heard anything along those lines. Plus, your family didn't call me asking me to keep an eye on you this time.”
“Yeah… wait… what?!? My family has called you to tell you to look out for me?” Jared was thoroughly shocked by this new tidbit of information. Although he knew his parents worried about him being so far away from home, he had never thought that they would ever call on his best friend to keep them updated. He was both flattered that his family cared enough about him to keep tabs on him, and embarrassed that they would go so far as to ask his best friend to keep track of him for them. After all, he wasn’t accident prone or anything, he didn’t need his costar and best friend to babysit him or anything.
“Jensen, I'm so sorry that my family has been pestering you about taking care of me. When did they even start asking? And why?” He couldn't believe that Jensen had never mentioned this before and wondered why the other man had never mentioned this to him before.
“Nah, I didn't mind. I'm pretty sure they started asking after you broke your wrist again at the start of the second season. After that, everyone was telling me to keep an eye on you. Chad called to tell me to keep you from falling down and breaking your face or ass the second time around. Tom and Mike wanted me to stay over so that you didn't hurt yourself while you were still loopy on drugs or drunk from partying with us. Even Kripke, Shiban, and the others had be under strict orders to make sure you couldn't hurt yourself again. Especially Shiban. I think he just didn't want to think up new reasons for Sam to break his wrist again,” he finished with a smile.
Jared was somewhat mortified at the explanation he had just heard, and fully intended to yell at everyone for putting all of that pressure on Jensen when what he had said finally registered in his head. Jensen had said he didn't mind watching out for him, and for some reason, that just made him feel content. So content, that he was willing to change the subject to save Jensen from having to explain what else he had to do to help him out on set.
“So everyone calls you to tell you to take care of me, yet they all call me to tell me I'm an idiot. That is so not fair! Everyone likes you more than they like me,” he whined as he picked up another bottle of beer.
“Everyone does not like me better than you. I just happen to listen to them better than you ever do, so they figured if they told both of us, that at least one person would hear their concern and watch over your giant, clumsy ass,” Jensen said amusedly.
“Nobody loves me. Sandy doesn't love me anymore, and I'm pretty sure my parents like Megan more. And I don't have anyone but you to talk me out of this train of thought. Why don't I have someone? It's been weeks since we broke up, ya know. I mean you've been on dates, so why can't I date?”
Jared glanced over when he saw Jensen quickly reach for his beer. He was surprised when Jensen drained whatever was left in the bottle before speaking again. “If you're looking to date just because I'm dating, then there is something very wrong here. Besides, I'm just dating because I haven't been able to bring myself to tell the person I love that I do love them,” Jensen finished quietly.
Jared stared at Jensen in shock and asked, “You're in love with someone? Do I know her?” He hadn't heard Jensen speak of anyone new in life, so he was thoroughly blind sided by the information.
Jensen gave him a wry smile and replied, “Not a her.”
The fact that Jensen liked people of both sexes was not a new fact to Jared. It was actually one of the things they had learned that they had in common after a night out with Tom and Mike back during the first season. The fact that he was actually in love with a guy though, that was a new one. “I thought you don't usually fall for guys. At least not seriously.”
“I don't usually. I mean, I never have before. I've gone on a couple of dates and there may or may not have been a one night stand back when I first reached LA, but I've never really fallen for a guy until now.”
Jared allowed this bit of information to process itself before he picked up on one of the other details that Jensen had let slip. “You haven't told him yet?”
“I'm too scared to,” he said quietly.
This surprised Jared as Jensen rarely ever admitted to being afraid of anything, it was one of the many ways that he and Dean Winchester were exactly the same. “You don't know how he'll react?”
“No, that's not the problem. The problem is that I do know exactly how he'll react.”
“You know him that well already?”
“Yeah. And he knows me that well too. I just know I'm not going to be able to hide it from him much longer,” Jensen said.
Jared found it hard to believe that Jensen had become that close to someone without him ever even noticing it, but he was happy for him. He still couldn't figure out why Jensen hadn't admitted to the guy that he was in love with him yet. He also couldn't figure out why Jensen hadn't talked to him about this. “So wait, are you saying that you want to hide it? It's not that you just can't bring yourself to tell him?”
Jensen sighed and replied, “A few weeks ago I still would have been unable to tell him. Now? Now I could easily tell him the truth. I just don't think he's ready to hear it.”
Jared was slowly beginning to understand just how hard it was for Jensen to open up to someone, yet he couldn't help but wonder just why Jensen hadn't even tried to talk to him about this. They always talked to one another about their problems, or about the major changes in their lives. They had decided early on in the first season that their relationship, and the show would suffer if they hid things from each other. Although it would probably make Jensen uncomfortable, Jared knew that he just had to ask him for the truth about why he hid this from him. “Jen, why didn't you tell me earlier?” he asked quietly.
“I wanted to,” he whispered. “I just didn't know how to. I've never liked anyone like this before, let alone another guy. I barely understand it, and I can't even explain it to you properly,” he said as he leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. “And I didn't know if you would get it. You and Sandy have, I mean had, been together for years. It was different for you. Plus it is terrifying to admit how out of control I am in this situation.”
“So you didn't tell anyone?” Jared asked sympathetically.
Jensen ducked his head as he said, “Not quite. When I was in LA over the hiatus, Steve and Chris were able to pick up on the fact that my mind was sorta occupied. They just kept staring at me, trying to figure out who I was thinking about. I eventually cracked and turned red,” he admitted hiding his face in his hands.
“So you told them then?” he asked in amusement.
“They pried it out of me during one our many jam sessions. I couldn't hide it from them!”
“Wow.”
“Yeah. I would have killed them for making me talk about it, but they bribed me with demo copies of their new songs, like the one I gave you. Plus they gave me an open invite to sing at any or all of their concerts this summer when we're on hiatus. They both promised that they won't make a big deal about it if I join them on stage, which is cool.”
“Damn! You gonna tour with 'em?” Jared asked.
“Depends.”
“On what?”
“On whether or not I'm in a relationship by then.”
Jared stared at Jensen in surprise when he realized that Jensen really would pass out on performing over the summer if he were seeing someone. “You would honestly choose a guy over music? You live for music. You love it almost as much as you love acting.”
Jensen finally looked over at Jared again for the first time since they had begun having this conversation. “I wouldn't choose a guy over music… I'd choose love over work, but I don't think love and music are mutually exclusive. But like I said, at this point it is still just a big “if” at this point. If I'm with someone, then I'm going to be with that person. In the past I've put my career before my relationships and my life, but I don't want that anymore. I just want to be with someone and be happy.”
Jared smiled at Jensen and pointed out, “Well, he'd be an idiot to know you and not want to be with you all of the time.” It was true; Jared knew Jensen extremely well, and he always wanted to be with him. From the moment they had met, they had instantly clicked. They had become best friends in an instant, and even now, knowing each other's numerous flaws and quirks, they still spent more time together than they did apart.
Jensen chuckled and shook his head at what Jared had said. “Jared, are you paraphrasing my movies now?”
It took a while for his words to actually register in Jared's mind, but once they did, Jared couldn't help but laugh. “Shut up! I'm drunk. That's the only reason you got away with putting in the DVD of New York Minute,” he said while pouting.
“Yeah, yeah. You could spare yourself and pretend to pass out from the alcohol, you know. Then you wouldn't have to worry about your scenes with the Olsen twins,” he observed with a laugh.
“I hate you,” Jared groaned. Now that he thought about it, he was feeling really sleepy.
“And yet you actually choose to hang out with me.”
Jared let his head fall back against the couch as he sarcastically asked, “Why do I put up with you?” He let his eyes close as he waited for Jensen to respond.
Jensen watched Jared slowly fall asleep, and it wasn't until he was certain that the other man was asleep that he quietly whispered, “I don't know….”
~*~*~*~*~
Jared woke up with a crick in his neck and the smell of fresh coffee coming from somewhere nearby him. He heard Sadie and Harley moving around but since they weren't prodding him, he assumed they had been taken care of. Absurdly enough, it was that, and not the coffee that actually caused him to wake up completely in a flash. As he sat up, he looked around for his dogs and saw them competing for Jensen's attention as he lay on the floor in the sunlight coming in through the open window.
I wish I were lying there too. Jared blinked in surprise as that thought flitted across his mind suddenly. He had no idea where the thought had come from, but he couldn't find it in himself to analyze it further as Harley bounded over to him having noticed that his owner was finally awake now.
“Morning, Jared. Sleep well?” Jensen asked happily.
“Morning Jensen. And yeah, I slept okay… But when exactly did I fall asleep?” he asked in confusion.
“We were talking and then there was a period of silence, and I'm pretty sure I fell asleep soon after you did. Sorry if you right arm is sore; I think I fell over and ended up leaning against your arm most of the night,” he said sheepishly.
The knowledge that Jensen had slept on top of him during the night didn't bother him as it had happened to them more than once over the past couple seasons. “My arm's fine. Sorry I fell asleep on you though.”
“Man, stop worrying. Besides, I told you to fall asleep so that you would stop worrying about watching your movie, remember?”
Jared gave in and laughed, playing with his dogs on the floor next to Jensen. “So when did you wake up?”
“I got up almost two hours ago. These two,” he said scratching Sadie behind her ears, “were trying to wake you up to feed them, but they finally gave up and woke me up instead. Which was fine, because I needed to get up anyway. Want some coffee?”
“Coffee would be awesome, but I'm just going to jump into the shower really quickly since I swear I still have makeup from filming embedded in my skin. Be back in a few.”
“Kay, I'll just be sitting here with these two still.”
Jared walked down the hallway to his bedroom still puzzling over the bizarre thought that had run through his mind only minutes earlier. He just couldn't figure out what was stranger about the thought: the fact that it had popped into his mind in the first place, or the fact that the sentiment behind it didn't bother him in the slightest.
~*~*~*~*~
A little bit later, Jared reentered his living room and found Jensen lying on the couch listening to something playing from the stereo. Jared didn't recognize the song, but he could tell that it was a Kane song. “New song?” he asked as the song came to an end.
“Hmmm? Yeah. They handed me a few, I'm just spreading them out. I actually meant to listen to it before now, but I decided that now was a good time to check it out, and I have to say that I like the way this one turned out as well.”
“Oh yeah? Start it over then.”
“Nah, I'll just leave it with you. I have some laundry and other boring things to do today, and then I plan on going to sleep really, really early. I just stuck around to say bye and thanks again for letting me crash last night.”
“It was no big. I'll listen to the new song in a few minutes.” Jared quickly debated with himself on whether or not he should mention their conversation the night before and decided to go with it. “And Jensen? Thanks for trusting me last night with, you know.”
Jensen smiled, “I do trust you, Jared, with everything. Anyway, I'll see you tomorrow. Call me to make sure I actually get up, okay?”
“Yeah, no problem. See ya tomorrow, Jensen.”
Jensen let himself out of Jared's apartment, and Jared turned to start the song over from the beginning. As the music began, he couldn't help but compare the two songs to each other. While Steve's song had been a ballad, Chris's was already looking like it was going to be another country-rock hit, with pounding beats, and a rhythm that grabbed the listener from the very first note. And then, Chris began to sing.
Cars speedin' around
Windows rolled on down
Our one day of freedom in the sun.
A long week of work is finally done
It's time to drop all stress and just have fun
Jared couldn't help but be amused by how appropriate the song was. It was almost like Jensen had just planned to listen to that song on their day off. For whatever reason, he wasn't going to complain. He just knew for a fact that he loved this new song already.
Just chillin' out
Kickin' back
Hit the bar
Have a pack
Enjoyin' ourselves for the first time in a while.
Just chillin' out
Kickin' back
Passin' out - just
Hit the sack
Sleepin' more than an hour at a time
The good times somehow make it all worthwhile.
Jared was nodding to the beat already imagining how it would sound being sung live at a Kane concert. Almost everyone he knew would love this song, from his brother and sister, to Jensen, Chad, Mike, Tom, and Sandy. The last time they had a guys' night out here in Vancouver, Mike had declared that they needed to have an official guys' night out theme song, and Jared was pretty sure that he was already listening to it.
Now I'm finally stress free
For once just happy to be
Myself with my friends for a few
Our time of freedom's nearly done,
But we've still got time to have more fun,
So let's relax for a while out in the sun.
As he listened to the song, an image flashed into his mind of Jensen, Harley, and Sadie lying in the pool of sunlight on the floor a few feet from where he was sitting on the couch. The sheer peace and relaxation in Jensen's posture, and the warmth from the sunlight relaxed Jared even more as he continued to listen to Chris sing the chorus loud and strong.
Just chillin' out
Kickin' back
Hit the bar
Have a pack
Enjoyin' ourselves for the first time in a while.
Just chillin' out
Kickin' back
Passin' out - just
Hit the sack
Sleepin' more than an hour at a time
The good times somehow make it all worthwhile.
The song was absolutely perfect, and Jared was beginning to get weirded out by how perfect it was. The song was a perfect summary of the past twenty-four hours since they had gotten out of work, but there had to be an explanation for it. He was delusional. Just because the song had described his perfect day off didn't mean that it had anything to do with him. Sure it was a song by a guy he knew thanks to his best friend, but that didn't mean anything. Right?
~*~*~*~*~
The very next day at work they once again had some time to relax between scenes, and decided to just take it easy and talk about the episode that they were filming. It was slightly different from the usual ones, and they knew the scenes between their characters were going to be emotionally draining, as the episode was something that would hit both Sam and Dean hard. It was about a couple who had been deeply in love with one another until one day the woman died when she was hit by a car after saving her husband's life. The husband committed suicide in his grief, but he couldn't manage to move on, so he was stuck as a spirit. Both Jensen and Jared knew that this episode would bring up tough memories for both brothers, and they were enjoying their break from filming the angst.
To pass the time and keep from falling asleep, the two talked about their own opinions on the episode. “Do you actually think it's possible to get over the loss of a loved one?” Jensen asked.
Jared thought about it in terms of his own experiences and answered without any hesitation. “Yeah, I absolutely think a person can get over that loss. It's just moving on, finding something new, or even someone new, that can make you feel happy again. That's what has happened with pretty much everyone I know. Even you. I mean you loved your girlfriends at the time, but you've moved on since then,” he pointed out.
“Well, what about true love then? True love, soul mates, the all-consuming love that you can have for another person. What about that? Can you move on from that sort of a connection with someone? Just forget how wonderful your life was and accept something else as being equally amazing? And I'm not talking about one sided relations, but the real deal.”
Jared could tell that Jensen had given this matter some thought based on the way he had framed his question. He considered this new angle that he hadn't previously considered, and decided that Jensen did sort of have a point. “I guess you're right. I've never really thought about soul mates. Yeah, I've seen them in stories, in movies, and I'd like to believe that my parents are soul mates, but I've just never known anything like it before.”
“Of course you haven't, Jared. You have something like that come through your life, you don't just let it slip by. You have to hold onto it, because it's the only thing worth having,” Jensen replied immediately.
Jared paused and listened to the conviction that his best friend spoke with. “Jensen, how do you know this? You're like me, aren't you? You haven't had that wonderful life with your soul mate. Have do you know it even exists?” he asked. He wanted to believe more than almost anything else, but he just couldn't bring himself to accept what Jensen was saying. It wasn't that he only believed in the things that he could prove on his own or see proved by someone else, but when it came to love, he just needed something to show him where to look. He had never believed in soul mates because he was just too scared of someday discovering that there wasn't that one person that he was meant to be with. So hearing Jensen advocate the idea of soul mates had the potential to alter his entire way of thinking. “How can you believe in something that you aren't sure you've ever seen?”
Jensen smiled in response. “Well, assuming you don't want to get into a theological or metaphysical discussion about believing in things that you can't always see, just call me a romantic.”
“You mean you're a hopeless romantic?” Jared clarified. He just figured that Jensen had gotten the term jumbled up in his head.
“See, I never understood that phrase, Jared. I think love and romance are full of hope. You can't have a true romance without it, so why label someone who believes in romance 'hopeless'? It just doesn't seem logical. And as for the whole soul mates thing, not to sound like a twelve year old girl or anything like that, I've just always loved the idea of there being someone who knows you through and through, someone who lets you see who they really are, someone who you can love and who loves you unconditionally forever. And I swear, if you ever repeat this to any of our friends, I will come and rock salt your ass,” Jensen said with a smile.
Jared just laughed in response and they began running their lines, Jensen's words running through his mind.
The following days were incredibly hectic, as if the television gods and the other powers that be were trying to make them pay for having enjoyed their perfect day off. Jared and Jensen were filming take after take of a really intense argument between the brothers and some other hunters, and filming it over and over was just wearing them down. Finally, the PA came over and told them that they were going to be reviewing the takes to see if they needed to film the scene again, but until then, the actors were all free to relax for a while.
Jared didn't need any further suggestions and he grabbed Jensen and they headed towards their trailers once again. “Quick nap?” he asked hopefully.
“Probably not a good idea,” Jensen replied. “Knowing them, they'll come back in five minutes to tell us to get ready to be thrown into a wall.”
Jared stared at him for a moment before asking, “Are we actually getting thrown into a wall in this episode? I thought they promised us at least two episodes without being thrown into a wall or other piece of household furniture.”
“You're right. You're not actually getting thrown into anything, and I'm not getting thrown into a wall either. I'm getting thrown into a tree,” he moaned in dread.
They had finally reached Jared's trailer which was closer, and they entered and crashed on the closest couch and recliner. “That sucks, man. Maybe they'll be nice and let you film it tomorrow.”
“Honestly, I think at this point I'd rather just get it over with and film it today. I really don't feel like prolonging these aches any more than necessary, and being thrown into a tree will prolong it.”
Jared couldn't help but feel bad for Jensen. After all, wasn't Dean abused enough on their show as it was? Did they really need to have demons throwing him into trees when the verbal battles with hunters were just as painful and draining? He was just about to respond when a knock came on the trailer door. “Come in!” he yelled back. There was no way either one of them were going to be getting up to answer the door.
“Good news guys, the last take was perfect, so we just need to film the first part of this episode's fight scene before it gets much darker, but then I swear you're both free to go. And you don't need to be back on set until late tomorrow morning, so you should be able to get a good night's sleep.”
Jared glanced over at Jensen who was barely staying upright in the chair before he turned back to the PA and sighed. “Yeah, we'll be right out,” he told the PA. After she left, he looked at Jensen once more and said, “C'mon man. The sooner we do this, the sooner we can go to my place to feed the dogs and crash.”
“Your place?” Jensen asked in confusion, “why are we going to your place?”
“Because my place is closer and you told me this morning that you haven't had a chance to go grocery shopping in the last couple of days. You're going to be in enough pain from shooting - you shouldn't be starving as well when you go to sleep. Just promise me we won't fall asleep on the couch this time. My neck was still sore even after sleeping in my bed the next night.”
“Yeah, that's not a problem. I can sleep on the recliner or on the floor even,” Jensen said as he dragged himself out of the chair and out the trailer door.
As he followed Jensen out of the trailer Jared said, “Don't be stupid, Jensen. You've seen how big my bed is - the two of us can easily fit on it without a problem. Let's just hope we survive filming for the rest of today.”
~*~*~*~*~
Kripke was trying to kill them. That really was the only explanation for the amount of pain that they were in. Even though they had reached Jared's place over an hour ago, they were still lying where they had collapsed with heat packs pressed against their newest bruises while Harley and Sadie prodded them to make sure that the two men on the floor were still alive. Jared had felt bad for Jensen when he was thrown into the tree, but then he stopped feeling sorry for Jensen and instead started feeling sorry for himself as he found himself being knocked to the ground repeatedly as the same monster was attacking him. These were really the only times where he ever truly regretted how tall he was as he could feel every inch of his 6' 5” frame hit the ground, jarring every part of his body, every single time.
But it was over, and that was all that mattered. At least, that was what the two men had been trying to convince themselves of for the past hour or so. Jared was convinced that the longer he used the heat pack, the more he actually became aware of just how much pain he was in. And judging from the groans coming from where Jensen had crashed he assumed the same went for him as well.
“Jared? Please don't let them throw me into a tree again, okay? Please?” Jared winced as he could practically see the pain coloring Jensen's voice.
“Sure,” he agreed. “Just as long as you promise not to let them drop me to the ground anymore this season.”
“Kay. So do you want to get something to eat?” It wasn't until Jensen asked that Jared realized that it had been hours since they had last eaten something properly. They had each had a granola bar so that they didn't end up taking the painkillers on an empty stomach, but that wasn't going to tide them over for much longer.
“I have the phone number for the sub shop programmed on my cell. Or we can go with anything else too. I have other phone numbers on my cell, but a lot of them won't actually deliver. And I really don't think I can get up and drive.” Just the thought of moving his arm to open the car sent a pain of pain through his body. There was no way he'd survive a five minute car ride.
“Me neither. Sandwiches sound fine by me, but I don't think I'm up for my usual. I think my stomach will fight me if I go for the roast beef.”
Jared looked over at Jensen in concern. “So do you want chicken or turkey with the advil or just veggies?”
Jensen grimaced as he moved again, and said, “Veggie please.”
Jared made the call and ordered their sandwiches. According to Kathryn on the other end, it would be between fifteen and twenty minutes before their sandwiches reached them, so Jared figured they had about ten more minutes before they had to try getting up off of the floor.
Part Three