Love Through Music (Part Three)
Love Through Music (Part Three)
“Well, I think the advil is finally starting to kick in,” Jensen said an hour later as they finished up their dinner. “But now all I want to do is just lie down comfortably while doing nothing stressful.”
Jared couldn't agree more with the other man's assessment. “Sounds great. Music, movie, or television?”
“I vote for music. I don't think my eyes want to stay open, even though I'm not really sleepy-tired yet. But whatever you want is fine,” Jensen said.
Jared was relieved at Jensen's choice because even though he wasn't feeling sleepy, as soon as he got into bed, he knew he'd be dead asleep soon after. “No, I think you're right, Jensen. Music is the best bet for us. Do you have any more demos with you?”
“No,” Jensen said sadly. “I'm pretty sure that there is one more song on its way, but I haven't gotten it yet.”
“That's fine then,” Jared said, and it really was. He got up from the dining table groaning quietly as he began to clean up. Harley and Sadie were already settling down for the night as Becky had been nice enough to come and help him out when he made a frantic phone call to her after ordering the food. He heard a chair scrape behind him and knew that Jensen was also getting up.
“You wanna just crash on my bed and listen to music? It'll be a lot comfier on the couch, and if we do fall asleep mid-conversation again, at least we'll already be comfortable.” He didn't want to push Jensen into crashing on his bed or anything, but if Jensen was as tired as he felt, he knew he wouldn't mind at all.
“Yeah man, that sounds perfect. I'm just going to change out of these clothes, because I really don't want to be wearing jeans all night long. I don't think my poor battered body will appreciate it very much.”
Although he secretly agreed with Jensen, he just couldn't let his comment go by without a response. “Yeah, yeah. You know, you're making it sound like you were the only one to get bruised on set today.”
“Of course I wasn't the only one to get bruised, Jared, but you're the accident prone one. We're all used to you being bruised,” Jensen said sweetly, patting Jared on the shoulder as he walked by him.
Jared shook his head at the antics of his best friend. Clearly the advil had begun to kick in, otherwise neither one would be in as good a mood as they were right now.
He followed Jensen to his bedroom and grabbed a pair of sweatpants and a loose t-shirt to wear to sleep in. He saw that Jensen also had his clothes out, and told him to go ahead and change in the bathroom. As soon as the door closed behind him, Jared began to turn down the bed, pulling the sheets down so that they could actually get into bed, knowing that otherwise they'd just collapse on top of the bed and pass out. He then began to change out in the bedroom. As he winced while stripping off his t-shirt, he walked over to the mirror on his closet door to see how badly he was bruised. His back was a colorful combination of blues and reds, and he knew that he was going to be aching in the morning when he woke up, but he just couldn't bring himself to take a hot shower right then. He heard the bathroom door open as Jensen came out shirtless and holding his shoulder in pain.
“Jen, what's wrong with your shoulder?” he asked worriedly.
“It's just a really bad bruise, but I can't manage to put my t-shirt on because it hurts to move my arm.” Jensen turned around so that Jared could see the bruise, and Jared's jaw dropped. The bruise was huge and black, and it didn't look like Jensen would really be able to use that shoulder much over the next few days. He quickly shook himself out of his stupor and set about taking care of his friend.
“Do you want to put Aspercreme or anything on it?” Jared asked.
“Yeah, actually that would probably help. I don't have any with me, but I'm assuming you have some?”
“Of course I do. With our job it's practically a requirement. Do you need any help with the Aspercreme? Or can you manage it on your own?”
Jared watched as Jensen stretched his arm to see if he was actually capable of rubbing the cream into his shoulder. His gasp of pain was all it took to convince Jared to intervene. “Here, sit down on the bed Jensen, and try and keep your arm from moving too much as I rub this in.” Jared began to slowly rub the cold cream into Jensen's shoulder, moving carefully to keep from causing him even more pain. He knew that the shoulder was going to be aching tomorrow, but Jensen still had another heat pack that he could use if it got really bad during the night. He finished rubbing in the cream and went into the bathroom to wash his hands and finish changing himself. When he came out, Jensen was still sitting on the bed shirtless, but he had since moved from the position that he had originally been in.
“Jensen?” he asked when he saw him staring down at the ground while biting his bottom lip.
“I can't get my shirt on, and I really shouldn't sleep without one tonight,” his friend said quietly.
“Want me to help you get it over your shoulder?” Jensen didn't respond to his quiet question in words. Instead, his friend silently handed him the t-shirt, keeping his eyes trained on the ground as he blushed. An image of Jared cupping his cheek in his palm crept into his mind, and Jared almost acted on it, but instead chose to reach for Jensen's shirt.
Jared carefully helped Jensen get his injured arm through the sleeve and pulled the shirt over Jensen's head. Then he held the remaining sleeve in place as Jensen carefully slid his arm through it. After Jensen's shirt was on properly, he slowly lay back down on the bed, wincing at first before his body adjusted to the bed beneath him. Jared got into bed on the other side and slowly eased himself down. He then pulled the remote off the table next to him, and turned on some mellow music.
They listened to the music in silence for a while before Jared decided that he really wanted to talk to Jensen instead. “Jensen?” he whispered, unable to tell if his friend was still awake.
“Yeah,” Jensen replied quietly as if he were still entranced by the music.
“I have a question for you, and I really want to know the answer, but you won't hurt my feelings or anything if you don't want to talk about it.”
Jensen opened his eyes and looked over at him. “What do you want to know?”
Jared bit his lip before asking, “How did you know that you had fallen in love with him?”
Jensen sighed and listened to the music for a while. Jared knew that that wasn't a dismissal of his question. Instead, Jensen was just trying to figure out how to explain something that was still fairly new to himself. “I knew I liked him from the moment I met him. I knew for sure that I loved him when I dreamt of doing nothing but sitting with him on a couch talking quietly. With crushes, I always have fantasies, but there's never anything real there for me to grow attached to. With this guy, he's all I can think about sometimes. Over hiatus I had to hide my phone to keep myself from calling him every time that I wanted to hear his voice.”
“How did you meet him?”
“Through work, the same way I meet everyone else. I showed up for a network thing and so did he, and we just began talking, which was, as you well know, very difficult for me. I honestly don't know when my feelings for him changed. I just know that one day a few months ago, I realized that he means everything to me, and that the feeling I get when I'm with him, when I talk to him, that feeling feels right. I feel whole, and it's strange because it's not like I was ever really missing a part of myself before I knew him, but now when he isn't there, I feel lost. He grounds me just by saying my name.”
Jared was amazed at how deeply Jensen had fallen for this guy. He knew that Jensen could be romantic when he wanted to be, but he had never fallen in love with someone like this in the time that Jared had known him. “He sounds like he's a nice guy, Jen. Do you think you'll tell him soon?”
“Maybe… I don't know what to do, Jare. If I tell him now, I'll feel better for admitting it, but then he will freak out. So I have to wait for him to make the first move, but I don't even know if he likes me in that way,” he said sadly.
“Of course he likes you, Jensen. You're kind, polite, quiet, loyal, friendly, talented, quirky, and just overall amazing. He would have to be missing every single one of his senses in order for him to not like you.”
“I just don't want to lose him. I don't think I could function anymore if he's not a part of my life. It's like he sank into my skin, binding us together. I know it sounds stupid, but I really feel as though he's a part of me.”
Jared could barely recognize his friend in the man lying next to him. The Jensen he had always known was a confident but shy man, not this person full of fear and self doubt. In a flash like the one a few days earlier, Jared found himself wanting to do nothing more than to take Jensen into his arms and give him back the confidence that he was currently missing. It hurt him to see Jensen thinking less of himself when Jared felt as though he could barely measure up to the person he was on most days.
Instead of acting on his impulses though, he allowed the conversation to die out as they both fell asleep. He was ready for the deep sleep that he knew was awaiting him after their crazy work schedule, but he was completely unprepared for the dream that was already waiting for him in his mind.
~*~*~*~*~
They were lying in bed again, having spent yet another day off doing nothing productive besides laundry and catching up on sleep. Jensen was sprawled on top of the blankets, lying on his stomach while scribbling something in a notebook. Jared was lying beside him trying to get a peek at what he had written so far. Try as he might, he couldn't get Jensen to budge, so he eventually gave up and tried begging for information.
“Jennnnnnnnnn, what are you writing?” The other man made a noncommittal noise but continued writing rapidly.
“Jensen? Jensen! Jeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnseeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnn!” Jared whined, still trying to gain a reaction.
Finally, his best friend rolled over and tossed the notebook to him. “Go for it,” he said.
Jared glanced at him suspiciously for a moment before he opened the notebook up to the page where Jensen had been writing. He read the words on the page before him and looked up at Jensen in shock. His expression was questioning, but Jensen's was reassuring, telling him everything that he needed to know. He smiled at the other man, and before he realized what he was doing, he was leaning over to kiss Jensen. Their lips connected, and Jared's eyes popped open.
~*~*~*~*~
Jared looked around his darkened bedroom in shock. Luckily Jensen remained asleep and oblivious, but Jared couldn't shake the memory of the dream. It had felt so real and so natural, and he had no idea what that meant.
He tried to analyze his dream, but the bed was too comfortable, and Jensen's presence was too soothing, and soon Jared drifted back off to sleep once more.
~*~*~*~*~
Sleeping in his bed for a week. That was really all that Jared could think of doing when Eric informed him that as the next episode was being filmed, he and Jensen would have extra time off. They had been working nonstop for the past week, and both were thoroughly exhausted. “Are you feeling okay?” he asked his boss in curiosity. It was rare enough for them to get days off; finding out that he only needed to be there for a couple of scenes that week made him want to check the crew for signs of demonic possession.
“Yes, Jared, I'm fine. As I already explained to Jensen after he tried to 'Christo' me, this episode is going to partially be a flashback episode. Unlike the flashback from season one, this one is going to have a flashback perspective from both brothers as they get split up while trying to kill a similar monster in the present,” Eric explained. “Now I could just have you guys get a head start on filming the episode after this, but I'm being nice. So shut up and accept the time off, Padalecki.”
Jared merely grinned in response, not wanting to give Eric any ideas about long hours in the near future. All he knew was that filming was done for the day and it was barely two pm. He grabbed his things from the trailer and headed to the parking lot. As he was walking, he heard Jensen yell at him to wait up, so he stopped and turned around.
Jensen looked as happy at the news as he was, and together they headed out to their respective cars. “So Jared, what are your plans for the next twenty-four work-free hours?”
Jared could almost hear his couch calling to him by that point, and he wanted nothing more than to crash. “I'm planning on just relaxing and taking it easy. What about you?”
“I just want to sleep. I'm exhausted and I'm still sore from the last week's massive bruising.”
Jared winced, remembering the colors that had covered both of their bodies by the next morning. “Man. It still hurts? You should take tylenol or something.”
“I will,” Jensen replied as they finally reached their cars. They had stopped at Jensen's as his was the closest, and he put his bag inside the back seat. “So we have to be back here by one in the afternoon?”
“Yeah. Not only are we getting off early today, we get to sleep in tomorrow. Well, you get to sleep in. Harley will probably jump on me or something when he gets hungry in the morning.”
“Hell yeah, I'm going to sleep in. It's going to be great.”
“Nice. Anyway,” he said, reaching in to grab something from the passenger's seat, “I've been meaning to give you this, but yeah. Here.” Jensen handed him the cd he had just grabbed and Jared smiled, realizing that it was the third song from the Kane jam session over hiatus.
“Who's singing this one, Chris or Steve? And what cd is it going to be on?”
“I actually don't know which version of the song this is, so it could be either of them singing. And it isn't actually going to be on either of their upcoming albums.”
Jared looked up at him in confusion. “Then why did you guys even waste time recording it?”
“Well the three of us liked the way it turned out when we were just playing for fun, so we recorded it.”
“So basically it was a crazy musicians in love with their music thing,” Jared tried to clarify.
“Yeah, I guess you could say that.” Jared looked at Jensen carefully, when he had spoken he sounded distracted, as if he had a million different things on his mind at that exact moment in time. Just as he was about to call him on it, Jensen snapped out of his daze.
“Anyway, let me know what you think of it. I haven't heard the official recording, but the guys and I thought the song came out well when we were recording it.”
“Cool. I'll report back to you on the song later today. Just give me a call if you don't hear from me in the next couple of hours, as there is a very high possibility that I'll fall asleep on the couch or the floor as soon as I get home.”
“Alright, “ Jensen said with a laugh. “I'll talk to you later Jared.”
“Yeah, see ya tomorrow. And get some sleep!” he told Jensen as he headed over to his car.
~*~*~*~*~
He was right - the couch really was calling to him. The second Jared got home, he fed the dogs and crashed on the couch. He wasn't sleeping, just lying there wishing he never had to get up. That was when he remembered the cd that Jensen had given him. With a groan he managed to grab the cd and drag himself off of the couch to play the cd. The music began to play soon after, and he allowed himself to be lulled by the soothing tones of the song. Like the first one, this was also a ballad.
When the vocals actually began, Jared was shocked. Instead of the familiar tones of Steve Carlson or Christian Kane, he was hearing the even more familiar voice of one Jensen Ackles. He knew Jensen could sing, but he rarely heard him sing more than a couple of lines at once. And he's never heard him sing solo on anything, just the backing vocals he seemed to prefer. As he listened, he realized that Jensen was really pouring himself into the song which caused him to stop and pay attention to the lyrics. What he heard caused his eyes to open wide in shock as he immediately realized what or rather who was on Jensen's mind as he had sung the song.
We've been close for quite a while
I think it's time for me to speak my mind
See my feelings have been changing
And my thoughts are always ranging
From image to image of you.
And I'm scared to just say it
But I know you need to hear it
So I'll say 'I Love You' with this song
I'm telling you the truth today
It's your smile that brightens up my day
And I don't know when I fell for you
But I know that I'll always love you
The rest of the song went by in a blur for Jared as he tried to grasp what he was hearing. He just knew that Jensen was thinking about the guy he was in love with, and Jared couldn't prevent the jealous feelings that ran through him in a flash. He couldn't believe that he was feeling jealous and upset over the fact that Jensen was in love with someone. He believed Jensen deserved to be happy, so why was he so opposed to the idea of Jensen actually being in a relationship with someone?
He continued musing over this until his phone rang, putting a halt to his mental self evaluation. He heard the ringer id and knew that it was Jensen calling, and he mentally braced himself for a potentially awkward conversation.
“So did you listen to it yet?” Jensen asked without any preamble.
“Yeah, I actually just finished listening to it,” Jared replied. He kept up a mental conversation in his head warning himself not to let the conversation get to awkward or anything.
“Well? What did you think? Aren't Chris' vocals awesome on it? I had never heard him sing a ballad so well before.”
Jared paused, realizing that Jensen didn't know that he had just listened to his version of the song. “It wasn't Chris singing.”
“Okay, fine. Steve then.”
“It wasn't Steve either,” Jared said, his voice trailing off as he spoke.
There was silence before Jensen spoke again. “Not Steve?” he whispered, “They wouldn't have… they didn't…”
“You're the one who was singing, Jen,” Jared said, deciding to just say it and get it over with.
“Oh God,” Jensen said, still speaking in a whisper.
“You have a really nice voice, which I already knew of course. You really got into the lyrics as well. Were you thinking about your special guy?”
“Oh God,” Jensen said a bit louder. Jared was starting to worry about him as it sounded as though Jensen was about to flip out and have a panic attack.
“Jensen?” Jared asked, beginning to panic himself at the lack of a response.
“Oh God,” he repeated. “Jare, I… I… I gotta go. I'll see you at work tomorrow. Have a good night,” he said in a rush.
“Jen, wait, what?”
“Bye Jare,” he said, leaving Jared to listen to the sound of the dial tone after he hung up.
Jared was confused as he couldn't figure out why Jensen had flipped out so badly. Jared couldn't help but wonder if Jensen had figured out that the song had bothered him. He hoped not, as he really didn't want to risk jeopardizing Jensen's happiness just because he had a thing for the man. As he thought about this, he stretched out on the couch to relax again, and soon drifted off to sleep, slipping seamlessly into a dream.
~*~*~*~*~
It was their next day off, and he and Jensen had no plans whatsoever. They were more than just content to sit around listening to Jensen play the guitar. He was just messing around, playing random bits of music as they popped into his head, trying to stay in shape for the tour this summer with Kane. Jared was also lying on the floor, but he was playing with Harley and Sadie who had woken up from their nice warm nap. As he continued to play with the dogs, he noticed a change in what Jensen was playing.
Slowly the random strumming began to solidify into a familiar sounding song, and Jared smiled as he heard his best friend begin to sing quietly.
We've been close for quite a while
I think it's time for me to speak my mind
See my feelings have been changing
And my thoughts are always ranging
From image to image of you.
And I'm scared to just say it
But I know you need to hear it
So I'll say 'I Love You' with this song.
Jensen never got much farther than that when he sang as Jared had a habit of distracting him. On this day, Jared was just staring at him, absorbing the sight of him playing his guitar while having sunlight from the window shining through onto him. Jared couldn't take his eyes away from the sight of Jensen with his skin seeming to glow and his eyes sparkling as he played and sang. Plus he couldn't ignore the smile that crossed his face as he noticed Jared paying more attention to him than anything else. Jared sat up from the floor where he had been lying next to Jensen, and as Jensen's voice began to trail off while singing. Jared leaned over and kissed his boyfriend softly, sighing as Jensen just opened up beneath his lips. He pulled away from him and they both smiled. And then, Jared woke up.
~*~*~*~*~
“Holy crap!” he exclaimed. And then he realized what all of his dreams and random thoughts had been telling him over the past few days. “I'm in love with Jensen!”
~*~*~*~*~
Jared got up the next morning hoping that the past twenty-four hours had been nothing more than a really weird dream. He must have just been exhausted when his poor brain reached the conclusion that he was in love with Jensen. There was no other explanation for it. He went around his normal morning routine without any problems, and then he grabbed Harley and Sadie's leashes and headed out the door. As he walked the dogs, the lyrics that had previously vanished from his mind began to echo in full force through his head.
Cars speedin' around
Windows rolled on down
Our one day of freedom in the sun.
A long week of work is finally done
It's time to drop all stress and just have fun
It really had been the perfect description of his ideal day. And it had been fun when he and Jensen had done just that a few months earlier at the end of the last season. It had become a tradition since the end of the first season. On their last day off, they went for a drive, not choosing a destination, just grabbing food, filling the car with gas, and taking off. It had been the most relaxing day of his life, and Jared often thought of it when he was really stressed out. It served to center him, give him perspective, and he had a feeling that it worked in the same way for Jensen as well.
The song eased into another tune as he walked back to his apartment to feed the dogs, take a shower, and get ready for work. He tried to block the music out the second that it started to flow through his mind, but he was powerless to stop it as Steve's voice came through in full force.
So I'm writing to you
Hoping you can see through
The many walls I've put up
Because I'm breaking down in front of you
Trying to hold on to the truth
About how I feel deep within my heart
And so these words will speak for me
Hopefully you'll finally see
The way I've felt about you for so long
He felt as though he were missing something, as if there was a message hanging in front of him that he just couldn't see for some reason. It was almost as if the songs were being directed to him, telling him that Jensen wanted him to realize that they're meant to be together. Jared couldn't allow himself to continue on that train of thought, so he desperately hoped for a song change, and he got one.
“Carry on Wayward Son” began to flow through his mind, bringing back memories of watching the end of the first season with their friends. When that song came on during the promo, everyone stared in awe at the amazing editing job before rewinding the dvd so that they could all sing along with Kansas. As quickly as that song came to mind, Steve's voice was back.
Well this song is for you
And my hope that you'll see through
All my many, many walls
Jared felt as though he were slowly going mad, hearing these songs and having visions of Jensen flowing through his mind. It was as if he were entirely powerless to stop them, and at the same time he knew that there was a part of him that didn't want to stop them.
See my feelings have been changing
And my thoughts are always ranging
From image to image of you.
The image in his mind changed to one of the two of them together, curled up on the couch after a long movie night. Unlike the reality, in this image Jared was leaning against Jensen as his friend held him, both sound asleep with smiles on their faces. The image almost broke his heart as he realized that that could never come to pass. He wanted Jensen to be happy. True, he wanted Jensen to realize that he could be happy with him, but he wasn't planning on telling him that anytime soon, especially with Jensen being head over heels in love with the other man. And the song changed again.
Just chillin' out
Kickin' back
Hit the bar
Have a pack
Enjoyin' ourselves for the first time in a while.
He remembered both of them relaxing after a long week of work. They were just going to the bar, drinking tequila shots, returning to one of their apartments for beer and conversation, just two guys cutting loose and not giving a damn about what anyone else might think about them for a while. That was the entire truth. Of course that didn't happen to stop them from making out in a drunken haze while lying half on the couch and half on the floor as Harley and Sadie watched them from the corner where they had been sleeping.
For once just happy to be
Myself with my friends for a few
Images of all of the crazy times with their friends flitted through his mind rapidly. There were the parties with Mike and Tom, hanging out in LA with Steve and Chris after a Kane concert, talking to Chad on the phone as he complained about his latest girlfriend, and most importantly just the two of them playing pranks on each other on and off set. He had become so wrapped up in Jensen, that Jared couldn't even tell when he had fallen in love with the other man.
Me, I seem to hide things from myself
He suddenly thought of the way Jensen never seemed to admit the truth to himself about his feelings for others. It was like he was always afraid of being judged for the way he looked at things, and all Jared could think of in response was to hug and kiss him. Jared also considered the way he seemed to have hidden his true feelings for Jensen from his own mind, wondering just what could have happened between them if he had come to this realization before Jensen fell in love with another man.
I've waited for signs that you see
Exactly what you mean to me
But I'm tired of just always holding back
He dreamed of Jensen just telling his mystery man that he was in love with him, and that he wanted to be with him forever. Flashes of that mystery man turning out to be him rushed through his mind with a whirl of emotion as well. That was probably what hurt him the most, realizing that he didn't stand a chance at ever being with his best friend.
Jared couldn't seem to break the cycle of his thoughts, as he seemed to be stuck in an endless loop with the same song clips and images running through his head at breakneck speeds. The harder he tried to forget the images and words, the deeper they seemed to root themselves into his subconscious.
He was going insane, and he just couldn't take the haphazard emotions running through him. If he didn't get a grip on himself soon, Jensen was going to know that he, Jared Padalecki was in love with him, and that could just ruin their friendship, the show, and any chance Jensen had at finding true love with the man of his dreams.
Part Four
“Well, I think the advil is finally starting to kick in,” Jensen said an hour later as they finished up their dinner. “But now all I want to do is just lie down comfortably while doing nothing stressful.”
Jared couldn't agree more with the other man's assessment. “Sounds great. Music, movie, or television?”
“I vote for music. I don't think my eyes want to stay open, even though I'm not really sleepy-tired yet. But whatever you want is fine,” Jensen said.
Jared was relieved at Jensen's choice because even though he wasn't feeling sleepy, as soon as he got into bed, he knew he'd be dead asleep soon after. “No, I think you're right, Jensen. Music is the best bet for us. Do you have any more demos with you?”
“No,” Jensen said sadly. “I'm pretty sure that there is one more song on its way, but I haven't gotten it yet.”
“That's fine then,” Jared said, and it really was. He got up from the dining table groaning quietly as he began to clean up. Harley and Sadie were already settling down for the night as Becky had been nice enough to come and help him out when he made a frantic phone call to her after ordering the food. He heard a chair scrape behind him and knew that Jensen was also getting up.
“You wanna just crash on my bed and listen to music? It'll be a lot comfier on the couch, and if we do fall asleep mid-conversation again, at least we'll already be comfortable.” He didn't want to push Jensen into crashing on his bed or anything, but if Jensen was as tired as he felt, he knew he wouldn't mind at all.
“Yeah man, that sounds perfect. I'm just going to change out of these clothes, because I really don't want to be wearing jeans all night long. I don't think my poor battered body will appreciate it very much.”
Although he secretly agreed with Jensen, he just couldn't let his comment go by without a response. “Yeah, yeah. You know, you're making it sound like you were the only one to get bruised on set today.”
“Of course I wasn't the only one to get bruised, Jared, but you're the accident prone one. We're all used to you being bruised,” Jensen said sweetly, patting Jared on the shoulder as he walked by him.
Jared shook his head at the antics of his best friend. Clearly the advil had begun to kick in, otherwise neither one would be in as good a mood as they were right now.
He followed Jensen to his bedroom and grabbed a pair of sweatpants and a loose t-shirt to wear to sleep in. He saw that Jensen also had his clothes out, and told him to go ahead and change in the bathroom. As soon as the door closed behind him, Jared began to turn down the bed, pulling the sheets down so that they could actually get into bed, knowing that otherwise they'd just collapse on top of the bed and pass out. He then began to change out in the bedroom. As he winced while stripping off his t-shirt, he walked over to the mirror on his closet door to see how badly he was bruised. His back was a colorful combination of blues and reds, and he knew that he was going to be aching in the morning when he woke up, but he just couldn't bring himself to take a hot shower right then. He heard the bathroom door open as Jensen came out shirtless and holding his shoulder in pain.
“Jen, what's wrong with your shoulder?” he asked worriedly.
“It's just a really bad bruise, but I can't manage to put my t-shirt on because it hurts to move my arm.” Jensen turned around so that Jared could see the bruise, and Jared's jaw dropped. The bruise was huge and black, and it didn't look like Jensen would really be able to use that shoulder much over the next few days. He quickly shook himself out of his stupor and set about taking care of his friend.
“Do you want to put Aspercreme or anything on it?” Jared asked.
“Yeah, actually that would probably help. I don't have any with me, but I'm assuming you have some?”
“Of course I do. With our job it's practically a requirement. Do you need any help with the Aspercreme? Or can you manage it on your own?”
Jared watched as Jensen stretched his arm to see if he was actually capable of rubbing the cream into his shoulder. His gasp of pain was all it took to convince Jared to intervene. “Here, sit down on the bed Jensen, and try and keep your arm from moving too much as I rub this in.” Jared began to slowly rub the cold cream into Jensen's shoulder, moving carefully to keep from causing him even more pain. He knew that the shoulder was going to be aching tomorrow, but Jensen still had another heat pack that he could use if it got really bad during the night. He finished rubbing in the cream and went into the bathroom to wash his hands and finish changing himself. When he came out, Jensen was still sitting on the bed shirtless, but he had since moved from the position that he had originally been in.
“Jensen?” he asked when he saw him staring down at the ground while biting his bottom lip.
“I can't get my shirt on, and I really shouldn't sleep without one tonight,” his friend said quietly.
“Want me to help you get it over your shoulder?” Jensen didn't respond to his quiet question in words. Instead, his friend silently handed him the t-shirt, keeping his eyes trained on the ground as he blushed. An image of Jared cupping his cheek in his palm crept into his mind, and Jared almost acted on it, but instead chose to reach for Jensen's shirt.
Jared carefully helped Jensen get his injured arm through the sleeve and pulled the shirt over Jensen's head. Then he held the remaining sleeve in place as Jensen carefully slid his arm through it. After Jensen's shirt was on properly, he slowly lay back down on the bed, wincing at first before his body adjusted to the bed beneath him. Jared got into bed on the other side and slowly eased himself down. He then pulled the remote off the table next to him, and turned on some mellow music.
They listened to the music in silence for a while before Jared decided that he really wanted to talk to Jensen instead. “Jensen?” he whispered, unable to tell if his friend was still awake.
“Yeah,” Jensen replied quietly as if he were still entranced by the music.
“I have a question for you, and I really want to know the answer, but you won't hurt my feelings or anything if you don't want to talk about it.”
Jensen opened his eyes and looked over at him. “What do you want to know?”
Jared bit his lip before asking, “How did you know that you had fallen in love with him?”
Jensen sighed and listened to the music for a while. Jared knew that that wasn't a dismissal of his question. Instead, Jensen was just trying to figure out how to explain something that was still fairly new to himself. “I knew I liked him from the moment I met him. I knew for sure that I loved him when I dreamt of doing nothing but sitting with him on a couch talking quietly. With crushes, I always have fantasies, but there's never anything real there for me to grow attached to. With this guy, he's all I can think about sometimes. Over hiatus I had to hide my phone to keep myself from calling him every time that I wanted to hear his voice.”
“How did you meet him?”
“Through work, the same way I meet everyone else. I showed up for a network thing and so did he, and we just began talking, which was, as you well know, very difficult for me. I honestly don't know when my feelings for him changed. I just know that one day a few months ago, I realized that he means everything to me, and that the feeling I get when I'm with him, when I talk to him, that feeling feels right. I feel whole, and it's strange because it's not like I was ever really missing a part of myself before I knew him, but now when he isn't there, I feel lost. He grounds me just by saying my name.”
Jared was amazed at how deeply Jensen had fallen for this guy. He knew that Jensen could be romantic when he wanted to be, but he had never fallen in love with someone like this in the time that Jared had known him. “He sounds like he's a nice guy, Jen. Do you think you'll tell him soon?”
“Maybe… I don't know what to do, Jare. If I tell him now, I'll feel better for admitting it, but then he will freak out. So I have to wait for him to make the first move, but I don't even know if he likes me in that way,” he said sadly.
“Of course he likes you, Jensen. You're kind, polite, quiet, loyal, friendly, talented, quirky, and just overall amazing. He would have to be missing every single one of his senses in order for him to not like you.”
“I just don't want to lose him. I don't think I could function anymore if he's not a part of my life. It's like he sank into my skin, binding us together. I know it sounds stupid, but I really feel as though he's a part of me.”
Jared could barely recognize his friend in the man lying next to him. The Jensen he had always known was a confident but shy man, not this person full of fear and self doubt. In a flash like the one a few days earlier, Jared found himself wanting to do nothing more than to take Jensen into his arms and give him back the confidence that he was currently missing. It hurt him to see Jensen thinking less of himself when Jared felt as though he could barely measure up to the person he was on most days.
Instead of acting on his impulses though, he allowed the conversation to die out as they both fell asleep. He was ready for the deep sleep that he knew was awaiting him after their crazy work schedule, but he was completely unprepared for the dream that was already waiting for him in his mind.
~*~*~*~*~
They were lying in bed again, having spent yet another day off doing nothing productive besides laundry and catching up on sleep. Jensen was sprawled on top of the blankets, lying on his stomach while scribbling something in a notebook. Jared was lying beside him trying to get a peek at what he had written so far. Try as he might, he couldn't get Jensen to budge, so he eventually gave up and tried begging for information.
“Jennnnnnnnnn, what are you writing?” The other man made a noncommittal noise but continued writing rapidly.
“Jensen? Jensen! Jeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnseeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnn!” Jared whined, still trying to gain a reaction.
Finally, his best friend rolled over and tossed the notebook to him. “Go for it,” he said.
Jared glanced at him suspiciously for a moment before he opened the notebook up to the page where Jensen had been writing. He read the words on the page before him and looked up at Jensen in shock. His expression was questioning, but Jensen's was reassuring, telling him everything that he needed to know. He smiled at the other man, and before he realized what he was doing, he was leaning over to kiss Jensen. Their lips connected, and Jared's eyes popped open.
~*~*~*~*~
Jared looked around his darkened bedroom in shock. Luckily Jensen remained asleep and oblivious, but Jared couldn't shake the memory of the dream. It had felt so real and so natural, and he had no idea what that meant.
He tried to analyze his dream, but the bed was too comfortable, and Jensen's presence was too soothing, and soon Jared drifted back off to sleep once more.
~*~*~*~*~
Sleeping in his bed for a week. That was really all that Jared could think of doing when Eric informed him that as the next episode was being filmed, he and Jensen would have extra time off. They had been working nonstop for the past week, and both were thoroughly exhausted. “Are you feeling okay?” he asked his boss in curiosity. It was rare enough for them to get days off; finding out that he only needed to be there for a couple of scenes that week made him want to check the crew for signs of demonic possession.
“Yes, Jared, I'm fine. As I already explained to Jensen after he tried to 'Christo' me, this episode is going to partially be a flashback episode. Unlike the flashback from season one, this one is going to have a flashback perspective from both brothers as they get split up while trying to kill a similar monster in the present,” Eric explained. “Now I could just have you guys get a head start on filming the episode after this, but I'm being nice. So shut up and accept the time off, Padalecki.”
Jared merely grinned in response, not wanting to give Eric any ideas about long hours in the near future. All he knew was that filming was done for the day and it was barely two pm. He grabbed his things from the trailer and headed to the parking lot. As he was walking, he heard Jensen yell at him to wait up, so he stopped and turned around.
Jensen looked as happy at the news as he was, and together they headed out to their respective cars. “So Jared, what are your plans for the next twenty-four work-free hours?”
Jared could almost hear his couch calling to him by that point, and he wanted nothing more than to crash. “I'm planning on just relaxing and taking it easy. What about you?”
“I just want to sleep. I'm exhausted and I'm still sore from the last week's massive bruising.”
Jared winced, remembering the colors that had covered both of their bodies by the next morning. “Man. It still hurts? You should take tylenol or something.”
“I will,” Jensen replied as they finally reached their cars. They had stopped at Jensen's as his was the closest, and he put his bag inside the back seat. “So we have to be back here by one in the afternoon?”
“Yeah. Not only are we getting off early today, we get to sleep in tomorrow. Well, you get to sleep in. Harley will probably jump on me or something when he gets hungry in the morning.”
“Hell yeah, I'm going to sleep in. It's going to be great.”
“Nice. Anyway,” he said, reaching in to grab something from the passenger's seat, “I've been meaning to give you this, but yeah. Here.” Jensen handed him the cd he had just grabbed and Jared smiled, realizing that it was the third song from the Kane jam session over hiatus.
“Who's singing this one, Chris or Steve? And what cd is it going to be on?”
“I actually don't know which version of the song this is, so it could be either of them singing. And it isn't actually going to be on either of their upcoming albums.”
Jared looked up at him in confusion. “Then why did you guys even waste time recording it?”
“Well the three of us liked the way it turned out when we were just playing for fun, so we recorded it.”
“So basically it was a crazy musicians in love with their music thing,” Jared tried to clarify.
“Yeah, I guess you could say that.” Jared looked at Jensen carefully, when he had spoken he sounded distracted, as if he had a million different things on his mind at that exact moment in time. Just as he was about to call him on it, Jensen snapped out of his daze.
“Anyway, let me know what you think of it. I haven't heard the official recording, but the guys and I thought the song came out well when we were recording it.”
“Cool. I'll report back to you on the song later today. Just give me a call if you don't hear from me in the next couple of hours, as there is a very high possibility that I'll fall asleep on the couch or the floor as soon as I get home.”
“Alright, “ Jensen said with a laugh. “I'll talk to you later Jared.”
“Yeah, see ya tomorrow. And get some sleep!” he told Jensen as he headed over to his car.
~*~*~*~*~
He was right - the couch really was calling to him. The second Jared got home, he fed the dogs and crashed on the couch. He wasn't sleeping, just lying there wishing he never had to get up. That was when he remembered the cd that Jensen had given him. With a groan he managed to grab the cd and drag himself off of the couch to play the cd. The music began to play soon after, and he allowed himself to be lulled by the soothing tones of the song. Like the first one, this was also a ballad.
When the vocals actually began, Jared was shocked. Instead of the familiar tones of Steve Carlson or Christian Kane, he was hearing the even more familiar voice of one Jensen Ackles. He knew Jensen could sing, but he rarely heard him sing more than a couple of lines at once. And he's never heard him sing solo on anything, just the backing vocals he seemed to prefer. As he listened, he realized that Jensen was really pouring himself into the song which caused him to stop and pay attention to the lyrics. What he heard caused his eyes to open wide in shock as he immediately realized what or rather who was on Jensen's mind as he had sung the song.
We've been close for quite a while
I think it's time for me to speak my mind
See my feelings have been changing
And my thoughts are always ranging
From image to image of you.
And I'm scared to just say it
But I know you need to hear it
So I'll say 'I Love You' with this song
I'm telling you the truth today
It's your smile that brightens up my day
And I don't know when I fell for you
But I know that I'll always love you
The rest of the song went by in a blur for Jared as he tried to grasp what he was hearing. He just knew that Jensen was thinking about the guy he was in love with, and Jared couldn't prevent the jealous feelings that ran through him in a flash. He couldn't believe that he was feeling jealous and upset over the fact that Jensen was in love with someone. He believed Jensen deserved to be happy, so why was he so opposed to the idea of Jensen actually being in a relationship with someone?
He continued musing over this until his phone rang, putting a halt to his mental self evaluation. He heard the ringer id and knew that it was Jensen calling, and he mentally braced himself for a potentially awkward conversation.
“So did you listen to it yet?” Jensen asked without any preamble.
“Yeah, I actually just finished listening to it,” Jared replied. He kept up a mental conversation in his head warning himself not to let the conversation get to awkward or anything.
“Well? What did you think? Aren't Chris' vocals awesome on it? I had never heard him sing a ballad so well before.”
Jared paused, realizing that Jensen didn't know that he had just listened to his version of the song. “It wasn't Chris singing.”
“Okay, fine. Steve then.”
“It wasn't Steve either,” Jared said, his voice trailing off as he spoke.
There was silence before Jensen spoke again. “Not Steve?” he whispered, “They wouldn't have… they didn't…”
“You're the one who was singing, Jen,” Jared said, deciding to just say it and get it over with.
“Oh God,” Jensen said, still speaking in a whisper.
“You have a really nice voice, which I already knew of course. You really got into the lyrics as well. Were you thinking about your special guy?”
“Oh God,” Jensen said a bit louder. Jared was starting to worry about him as it sounded as though Jensen was about to flip out and have a panic attack.
“Jensen?” Jared asked, beginning to panic himself at the lack of a response.
“Oh God,” he repeated. “Jare, I… I… I gotta go. I'll see you at work tomorrow. Have a good night,” he said in a rush.
“Jen, wait, what?”
“Bye Jare,” he said, leaving Jared to listen to the sound of the dial tone after he hung up.
Jared was confused as he couldn't figure out why Jensen had flipped out so badly. Jared couldn't help but wonder if Jensen had figured out that the song had bothered him. He hoped not, as he really didn't want to risk jeopardizing Jensen's happiness just because he had a thing for the man. As he thought about this, he stretched out on the couch to relax again, and soon drifted off to sleep, slipping seamlessly into a dream.
~*~*~*~*~
It was their next day off, and he and Jensen had no plans whatsoever. They were more than just content to sit around listening to Jensen play the guitar. He was just messing around, playing random bits of music as they popped into his head, trying to stay in shape for the tour this summer with Kane. Jared was also lying on the floor, but he was playing with Harley and Sadie who had woken up from their nice warm nap. As he continued to play with the dogs, he noticed a change in what Jensen was playing.
Slowly the random strumming began to solidify into a familiar sounding song, and Jared smiled as he heard his best friend begin to sing quietly.
We've been close for quite a while
I think it's time for me to speak my mind
See my feelings have been changing
And my thoughts are always ranging
From image to image of you.
And I'm scared to just say it
But I know you need to hear it
So I'll say 'I Love You' with this song.
Jensen never got much farther than that when he sang as Jared had a habit of distracting him. On this day, Jared was just staring at him, absorbing the sight of him playing his guitar while having sunlight from the window shining through onto him. Jared couldn't take his eyes away from the sight of Jensen with his skin seeming to glow and his eyes sparkling as he played and sang. Plus he couldn't ignore the smile that crossed his face as he noticed Jared paying more attention to him than anything else. Jared sat up from the floor where he had been lying next to Jensen, and as Jensen's voice began to trail off while singing. Jared leaned over and kissed his boyfriend softly, sighing as Jensen just opened up beneath his lips. He pulled away from him and they both smiled. And then, Jared woke up.
~*~*~*~*~
“Holy crap!” he exclaimed. And then he realized what all of his dreams and random thoughts had been telling him over the past few days. “I'm in love with Jensen!”
~*~*~*~*~
Jared got up the next morning hoping that the past twenty-four hours had been nothing more than a really weird dream. He must have just been exhausted when his poor brain reached the conclusion that he was in love with Jensen. There was no other explanation for it. He went around his normal morning routine without any problems, and then he grabbed Harley and Sadie's leashes and headed out the door. As he walked the dogs, the lyrics that had previously vanished from his mind began to echo in full force through his head.
Cars speedin' around
Windows rolled on down
Our one day of freedom in the sun.
A long week of work is finally done
It's time to drop all stress and just have fun
It really had been the perfect description of his ideal day. And it had been fun when he and Jensen had done just that a few months earlier at the end of the last season. It had become a tradition since the end of the first season. On their last day off, they went for a drive, not choosing a destination, just grabbing food, filling the car with gas, and taking off. It had been the most relaxing day of his life, and Jared often thought of it when he was really stressed out. It served to center him, give him perspective, and he had a feeling that it worked in the same way for Jensen as well.
The song eased into another tune as he walked back to his apartment to feed the dogs, take a shower, and get ready for work. He tried to block the music out the second that it started to flow through his mind, but he was powerless to stop it as Steve's voice came through in full force.
So I'm writing to you
Hoping you can see through
The many walls I've put up
Because I'm breaking down in front of you
Trying to hold on to the truth
About how I feel deep within my heart
And so these words will speak for me
Hopefully you'll finally see
The way I've felt about you for so long
He felt as though he were missing something, as if there was a message hanging in front of him that he just couldn't see for some reason. It was almost as if the songs were being directed to him, telling him that Jensen wanted him to realize that they're meant to be together. Jared couldn't allow himself to continue on that train of thought, so he desperately hoped for a song change, and he got one.
“Carry on Wayward Son” began to flow through his mind, bringing back memories of watching the end of the first season with their friends. When that song came on during the promo, everyone stared in awe at the amazing editing job before rewinding the dvd so that they could all sing along with Kansas. As quickly as that song came to mind, Steve's voice was back.
Well this song is for you
And my hope that you'll see through
All my many, many walls
Jared felt as though he were slowly going mad, hearing these songs and having visions of Jensen flowing through his mind. It was as if he were entirely powerless to stop them, and at the same time he knew that there was a part of him that didn't want to stop them.
See my feelings have been changing
And my thoughts are always ranging
From image to image of you.
The image in his mind changed to one of the two of them together, curled up on the couch after a long movie night. Unlike the reality, in this image Jared was leaning against Jensen as his friend held him, both sound asleep with smiles on their faces. The image almost broke his heart as he realized that that could never come to pass. He wanted Jensen to be happy. True, he wanted Jensen to realize that he could be happy with him, but he wasn't planning on telling him that anytime soon, especially with Jensen being head over heels in love with the other man. And the song changed again.
Just chillin' out
Kickin' back
Hit the bar
Have a pack
Enjoyin' ourselves for the first time in a while.
He remembered both of them relaxing after a long week of work. They were just going to the bar, drinking tequila shots, returning to one of their apartments for beer and conversation, just two guys cutting loose and not giving a damn about what anyone else might think about them for a while. That was the entire truth. Of course that didn't happen to stop them from making out in a drunken haze while lying half on the couch and half on the floor as Harley and Sadie watched them from the corner where they had been sleeping.
For once just happy to be
Myself with my friends for a few
Images of all of the crazy times with their friends flitted through his mind rapidly. There were the parties with Mike and Tom, hanging out in LA with Steve and Chris after a Kane concert, talking to Chad on the phone as he complained about his latest girlfriend, and most importantly just the two of them playing pranks on each other on and off set. He had become so wrapped up in Jensen, that Jared couldn't even tell when he had fallen in love with the other man.
Me, I seem to hide things from myself
He suddenly thought of the way Jensen never seemed to admit the truth to himself about his feelings for others. It was like he was always afraid of being judged for the way he looked at things, and all Jared could think of in response was to hug and kiss him. Jared also considered the way he seemed to have hidden his true feelings for Jensen from his own mind, wondering just what could have happened between them if he had come to this realization before Jensen fell in love with another man.
I've waited for signs that you see
Exactly what you mean to me
But I'm tired of just always holding back
He dreamed of Jensen just telling his mystery man that he was in love with him, and that he wanted to be with him forever. Flashes of that mystery man turning out to be him rushed through his mind with a whirl of emotion as well. That was probably what hurt him the most, realizing that he didn't stand a chance at ever being with his best friend.
Jared couldn't seem to break the cycle of his thoughts, as he seemed to be stuck in an endless loop with the same song clips and images running through his head at breakneck speeds. The harder he tried to forget the images and words, the deeper they seemed to root themselves into his subconscious.
He was going insane, and he just couldn't take the haphazard emotions running through him. If he didn't get a grip on himself soon, Jensen was going to know that he, Jared Padalecki was in love with him, and that could just ruin their friendship, the show, and any chance Jensen had at finding true love with the man of his dreams.
Part Four