(no subject)
Title: Hand Over Hand
Fandom: How I Met Your Mother/The Office
Pairing: Robin/Barney, Ted/Karen
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: This story exists in a universe where Robin still works at Metro News One and Karen moved to Dunder Mifflin Headquarters in New York after leaving Scranton.
I felt around in the dark
Building rope ladders into your heart
Climbing hand over hand to get in
It's five thirty on a Thursday, and Robin's a little drunk. She thinks she could justify the earliness if she wasn't alone, but Ted isn't picking up his cell phone and Barney doesn't get off work for another hour. All alone, she thinks morosely. All-own. That's probably where the word comes from, because all you have is yourself. Somebody should be paying her to come up with this stuff.
She moves the ice at the bottom of her glass with her straw. The drink has been gone for a while. She struggles to get up, which is probably a sign that she doesn't need another drink. Whatever.
There's a girl sitting at the bar, moving her ice around in much the same way as Robin. She's pretty hot, long brown hair and a white shirt that doesn't do much for her. Robin wants to tell her, but it's probably not the right time. She could totally be in charge of What Not To Wear. Stacey's a huge bitch anyway, and Robin doesn't see why they have to throw away all the original clothes. What if you have to eat Tim Hortons and watch a DieHard marathon one day, then what? It doesn't make any sense.
She sits down at the bar and motions for Carl.
"Scotch," she says.
"Are you sure?" he says, glancing at the booth. "Where's the gang?"
"Who knows," she says, waving non-committally in the direction of ... something. "They're lame."
"It's pretty early, huh?" Carl says. "Bad day at work?"
This is already the longest conversation she's ever had with Carl, she thinks. Maybe this is why they don't sit at the bar.
"It wasn't bad," she says. "It was just stupid. They hired a new anchor, and she's - " She makes a face. And then another face. There are probably not enough faces in the face lexicon to express how she feels about the development.
Carl grins. "She's hot?"
Robin glares at him. "No," she says. "She looks like she got - attacked. By badgers."
"Wow, that hot?"
She puts her forehead against the bar. It's nice and cool. "It doesn't work having two hot female anchors," she says, annoyed. "It's redundant."
"And you're supposed to be the hottest?"
"Exactly."
She doesn't bother lifting her head up, even when he sets the drink next to her. "I know it's stupid," she mumbles into the counter. "It's a stupid problem at a stupid job. Stupid, stupid." It's true, though. Ted's designing skyscrapers and Lily's molding young minds and Barney is - well, she doesn't know, but probably invading a country or playing golf with Kim Jong-il. In comparison, Metro News One feels like a paper route.
"It's not that bad," someone else says. It takes Robin a second to realize it's the shirt girl. "I'll bet you a basket of nachos that the job I just quit was worse than yours."
Robin lifts her head up. "Make it deep-fried macaroni and cheese bites, and you're on."
The girl laughs. She has a good laugh. "Deal."
"Today, I reported a story on the danger of strangling yourself with floss," Robin says. Seriously. In a half-hour segment, she interviewed two dentists, one actuary, and a woman whose experience had left a minty-smelling welt on her neck.
"Please," the girl says. "Last week, I organized my client folders by color. Then my boss said they weren't in the order of the colors of the rainbow, which was violating the memory of Roy G Biv, so I had to redo it."
"Uh, that involves a rainbow," Robin says. "Rainbows are pretty and awesome. I win."
"Fine," the girl says. "Hmm. Okay, on my first day, he told me that if I ever needed anyone to carry my baby, he was available."
"That is not true."
"Yes it is!" the girl says indignantly. "He said he'd been reading up on egg donation programs."
"No way." Robin says. "I mean, if we're going to just ignore the rules and cheat then I - um. My boss is - a - he's part ... tiger," she finishes lamely.
"That's the best you've got?" Carl says. "A whole word of possibilities. And you come up with tiger."
"Shut up, you," Robin says, brandishing her drink. "You're the one plying me with alcohol."
"So I win, then?" the girl says. Robin glares at her. She doesn't know where this girl is from, but clearly she's never been to New York, Toronto, or The North Muskegee Trout Festival, because if she had, she would know that nobody beats Robin Scherbatsky.
"Yeah," Robin says. "Because 1-1 isn't a tie. Wait, yeah it is. Take it home and put it to bed."
Carl is laughing pretty hysterically, which she finds annoying. "I have never seen you like this," he says. "I should give you more free drinks."
"Not important," she says and turns to the girl. "Every weekend, I have to wear a clown nose for an hour for our Funday Broadcast."
"We have an office candy jar," the girl says, "and my boss takes all the peanut M&Ms for himself, then institutes an office diet and replaces them with Carroteenies."
"No," Robin says.
"Yep," the girl says. "Does not even remotely qualify as candy."
"Nature's candy?" Carl supplies. They glare at him.
"That is horrifying," Robin says, and it really is. Everyone knows that peanut butter M&Ms are the superior M&M. All of the chocolate goodness, none of the whole peanut awkwardly trying to pass itself off as candy.
"Alright, Carl, the basket's on me," the girl says, even though Robin totally would have paid for them. A girl robbed of her peanut butter M&Ms needs some cheering up.
"And a gin and tonic for her," Robin adds helpfully. "That's on me."
The girl smiles. "I'm Karen."
"Robin," she says. "What brings you to our fair MacLaren's?"
"I just moved here," Karen says, a little glumly. "I hate my job already, and I miss ... my friends. I'm sure it'll get better, but - "
Robin nods. She understands. Boy, does she understand. It took her four months of living in New York just to meet decent people, let alone feel at home. There are still days when she looks around, sees how dirty everything is and how mean people are, and wishes she was back in Canada.
Karen stirs her drink. "New York is just so big," she says.
"Yeah," Robin says. "Do you know anyone in the city?"
"I know that my landlord owns an underground 'dog training facility'," Karen says, "and I know the guy at the convenience store on the corner. Pretty impressive."
"Never underestimate the power of connections," Robin says.
"Sage words," Karen says. "So you have friends around here?"
Robin tries to gesture upstairs with her head, but it comes out looking more like the beginnings of a seizure. She takes another drink. It seems to be today's problem solver, and who is she to argue with the workings of the universe? "Upstairs," she says. "I live with my ex-boyfriend. Friend. Whatever."
"Weird," Karen says, then blushes. "Wow, that was rude. Sorry."
"Totally okay. It is weird. The other day I walked in on him shaving the upper half of his arm." She shudders at the memory. "Is that a thing?"
"Definitely not a thing," Carl says.
"Maybe he's on the cutting edge of men's grooming," Karen says helpfully.
"I guess his hair just naturally grows in weird," Robin muses. "He has a patch near his shoulder that's the shape of Jay Leno's head."
"He sounds like a catch," Karen says, smiling.
"Robin thinks so," Carl says, grinning, trying to catch her eye. Robin glares at him again. Obviously Carl knows nothing. If he paid attention at all, he would know that she's been over Ted for months. Years. She's been over him since before she was born, which was not all that long ago, so take that, bitchy lady at Blockbuster. God, you would think it was a crime to rent Spy Kids past the age of fifteen. And aren't those people trained in customer service? Isn't that practically half their job? It's not Robin's fault that they failed out of junior college and have to spend their Friday nights in a blue smock renting out porn to high schoolers.
She looks up, and Carl and Karen are staring at her.
"Yeah, I don't think Blockbuster rents porn," Karen says. She has a look on her face that says she's trying really, really hard not to laugh.
"Oh God," Robin mumbles, and puts her head down on the bar. "This is why I don't drink this much."
"I think it's great," Carl says. "Have another, please."
***
She starts going to Karen's a lot. She feels a little weird, not trying to incorporate her into the group, and she knows Karen notices it too. Sometimes she'll ask if Robin's friends are busy, but Robin just shrugs it off. Ted works a lot, she says. Marshall and Lily are really into the just-married thing. Barney is ... unavailable. Karen always looks a little mystified, a little hurt, but it's not hard.
The thing is, it's nice, having someone all to herself. She loves her group, but she's no one's best friend. She'll always be Ted's ex, and Lily - despite what she says - has Marshall. With Karen, it's just the two of them, and it's awesome.
They hang out probably twice a week, making margaritas and watching bad sports movies and going to bars that aren't MacLaren's. Robin can bitch about Metro News One, because Karen's job sucks just as much. Possibly more. After two weeks, they set up a chart in Karen's apartment and award each other points for job suck-age.
"I don't see how you're winning," Karen says in the third week of the competition, staring at the gold-star-laden chart. "David made me stay late every day last week, and I know the guys were all out drinking."
"Um," she says, "someone threw up on me. On live television. There is no possible way to top that."
"I guess," Karen says, topping off her glass with more pina colada mix. "More?"
"Yessir." God, when did she become someone who drinks pina coladas? If Barney were here, he'd probably throw up a little in his scotch.
"So, enough about jobs," Karen says. "How's the man front?"
Robin snorts. "Non-existent. I mean, there's Ted."
"Been there, done that?"
"Exactly."
"And that other guy? Ben?"
"Barney?" It comes out less smooth than she'd hoped. More like a nervous squeak. "Oh, that's, um. Nothing. He's nothing."
"Right." Karen is giving her that look, the one that Robin has kind of grown to love. She's the only person who can call Robin on her bullshit and really get away with it. "Does he feel the same way?"
"As in, does he think it's nothing? Probably."
"Nooo," Karen says. "As in, is he also completely in love with you and in a deep and horrible state of denial?"
"Ah yes. Probably. Also."
Karen stretches her feet out so that she's taking up most of the couch, prodding her toes against Robin's thigh. "And you've known him for how long? Geez, Schberbatsky, make your move already. That Sam and Diane stuff is way out of style."
"Who and what now?"
"Sexual tension. Cheers," Karen says, yawning. She snuggles her head into the crack in the cushions and closes her eyes. "Like on Degrassi, when the mountie and the fur trapper can't admit their star-crossed love for each other."
"Is that college years?" Robin says. She pauses for a second. "Oh, okay, shut up."
***
No one says anything until a month later.
They're sitting at MacLaren's, watching Barney hit on a redhead at the bar. The familiar twinge grips her for a second, but she shakes it off. It's just Barney being Barney, like always. It never upset her before.
"This is just getting ridiculous," Marshall is saying. "Who are all these girls? Don't they talk to each other?"
"Yeah, you'd have thought they would have checked The Network," Lily says, straight-faced.
"Wasn't it down a few days ago, though?" Robin says. Ted and Marshall are looking at them uncertainly.
"Oh, right," Lily says. "I just thought The Council sent out a signal."
"You guys are kidding," Marshall says. He's smiling, but he keeps glancing at Ted.
"Yeah," Ted says, "there's no network, come on." He looks at her, then Lily. "Come on, seriously?" He looks back at Robin again. She nods slowly. "Seriously?"
"Oh my God," Marshall says, awed. "This is just like getting a Hogwarts letter."
"It is so just like that," Ted says.
Robin is planning to carry this as far as it will go, but then she looks at Marshall. He's staring into the distance, and she's so sure that he's imagining his own Sorting that she bursts into laughter.
"Oh God," she says, between hysterical snorts. "I'm sorry, Lily."
"It would be have been me in another second," Lily says, wiping her eyes. "Oh man, you should have seen the look - "
"Okay, we get it," Marshall says, looking supremely annoyed.
"Thanks a lot," Ted says. He runs his finger around the rim of his glass. "Man, I wish I was a wizard."
She and Lily end up regretting the joke in the end, because that leads to a two-hour conversation about the merit of Houses, whether Snape can really be treated as a hero, and the possible futures of every single Hogwarts character. By eleven o'clock, Robin is staring into her fifth drink and wondering how many more ridiculous names there could possibly be to go through.
"Ernie MacMillan," Marshall says seriously. "I bet Ernie MacMillan went on to be a guy who sprays cologne at department stores."
"Or a guy who sells cell phone plans," Barney says.
"Do they have cell phones in the wizarding world?" Ted says. "I mean, does technology progress there?"
"Dude, they still travel by fire," Marshall says.
"Seriously," Ted says. "Does anyone actually use the Floo network? What's the point, when you can Apparate or use a Portkey or do anything that doesn't involve stepping into a fire?"
Robin downs the rest of her drink and moves to leave. "Okay, I'm heading out," she says.
"How many modern homes even have fireplaces?" Marshall says.
Robin rolls her eyes and turns to Lily. "See you tomorrow?"
Lily smiles, but she looks unsure. "Yeah, okay."
"What?"
"No, nothing," Lily says. The boys have stopped talking now, and they look a little uncomfortable too. "It's nothing."
Robin looks from Marshall to Ted to Barney. She's half-kneeling on the bench, a kind of halfway point between sitting and leaving, and she feels really awkward. "Um. Okay."
"It's just - " Lily pauses. "I don't know, you haven't been around much lately."
"Yeah, dude," Marshall says. "We've been wondering if you've developed a superhero alter-ego."
"Uh, no, we haven't been wondering that, because I pointed out - "
"Stop!" Lily says. She looks at Robin. "Obviously it's fine, if you're busy with other stuff. We've just wondered."
"Yeah," Robin says. She looks down at the table. She could say that work's been crazy, or that she's been dating a lot - or she could stop being a loner weirdo and tell them the truth. She probably should have done that a month ago.
"Yeah," she says again. "The truth is, I've been, um. Hanging out with someone else."
Marshall gasps like she just revealed she's her own evil twin, and Ted says, "There are other people in New York?", but all in all, it goes pretty well.
***
The next night, she invites Karen to MacLaren's. She's a little nervous, like maybe Karen has a huge flaw and she's about to discover it, but actually, everything is great. Barney loves Karen's suit, and Marshall wants to know how the hell her old boss escaped a lawsuit. When she and Lily start talking about clothes, Robin wonders why it took her this long.
She comes out with them the next night, too, and the one after that. It's great. Robin had always felt slightly outnumbered, just her and Lily against the three guys. Now they can play guys vs. girls Trivial Pursuit, and that is just awesome.
About a month after everyone meets Karen, she tells them about Jim. Robin's surprised she hasn't heard about it before, but Karen's pretty private. And after she hears the story, she understands why.
" - and he dumped me and left me by a fountain," Karen finishes. "And now he and Pam are engaged. Or married. Possibly they have a baseball team of children, I don't know."
"Wow," Marshall says.
"Yeah," Ted says. "Are you sure this wasn't Barney?"
"Please," Barney says. "Leave them by a fountain, and they can follow you. That's why I prefer to be on a boat, heading downstream, when I say my goodbyes."
"You are unbelievable," Lily says.
Karen laughs. "Well, whatever," she says. "It all worked out. I'm in New York with my awesome friends, and Jim is still working for Michael Scott."
"A toast," Barney says solemnly, and they all clink glasses.
***
Things progress naturally from there. She and Karen still hang out alone, but not as much. Mostly, it's like old times: work, then MacLaren's, then home to watch TV with Ted. Just with one more person.
She and Karen and Lily set up a weekly girl's night on Thursdays. The first week, they drink Cosmopolitans and watch Sex and the City, but it turns out that Robin and Karen hate the show, and Lily doesn't like cranberry juice. After that, they watch the Home Shopping Network and play drinking games with old tequila, and it's way better.
Her life feels pretty great, except for two things. She's pretty sure that Karen likes Ted. When they used to talk about guys, she would gush over the cute guy at the bagel place on the corner, or the new branch manager at Dunder Mifflin Utica. Now she clams up, and when Robin talks about her relationship with Ted, Karen gets weirdly cold.
She's not surprised, really. Ted is a great guy, and she definitely doesn't want to be with him. She's just so relieved that everything is back to normal between them, and she doesn't want it to change.
The other thing, she can barely even admit to herself.
She tries not to think about it, mostly. She definitely doesn't talk about it. Then one night, she and Lily and Karen decide to finish off a bottle of Jack Daniels together.
After an hour, Karen's on her back on the floor, laughing about something Robin can't remember. Lily found a Truth or Dare Jenga set that Robin is sure Ted bought, and she's been quizzing them with questions aimed at eighth-grade girls.
"Okay, okay," Lily says over Karen's laughter. "Okay. Karen, who was your first kiss?"
"Ooh," Karen says. She reaches for the bottle and grabs the base of the lamp instead. "Paulie Sowarski. Fourth grade."
"You kissed someone named Paulie?" Lily says.
"Like that movie," Robin adds helpfully. "About the parrot."
"Exactly like that," Karen says.
"Okay, Robin," Lily says, pulling another block out of the pile. "Who do you like?"
"Yeaaah," Karen says, and flips over. She gives Robin an intense, searching look, then cracks up again. "Who do you like like?"
"Lame," Robin says. "No one."
"Li-ar," Lily says. Karen grins. "L - I - E - R."
"You cannot be serious," Karen says.
"I am so serious," Lily says, apparently not seeing Karen's point. "We all know Robin's in love."
"And denial," Karen adds. "Not just a river in Egypt."
"Whatever," Robin says. Her voice is doing the high-pitched, squeaky thing again. She doesn't understand how people lie.
"It's because they had sex," Lily whispers to Karen, though Robin thinks she could probably hear it from the kitchen. "And it was awesome."
"Did he say that?" Robin says. Lily and Karen smirk at her. "Um, I mean ... what? Who?"
"You are ridiculous," Karen says. "This has been going on for so long. I'm going to tell him if you don't."
"Yes!" Lily cries, and they high-five. "An elaborate scheme!"
"No!" Robin says. "No, no - no elaborate scheme. I'll take care of it myself."
They roll their eyes. Lily props her head up on her elbows and motions for the bottle. "You coward," she says.
Robin takes the bottle from her and pours a liberal amount of whiskey down her throat. She's not in denial, she thinks. She's just friends with - everyone. All her friends are just her friends. She turns it into a song in her head, repeats it until her eyes are closed and she's drifting off against Lily's thigh.
***
She gets home from work at 1:00 AM the next Wednesday, pissed off because her new co-anchor held up production for two hours demanding someone redo her makeup. Robin thought you couldn't delay the 9 o'clock news, but apparently she was wrong.
She stands outside the apartment for about a year trying to find her keys. She used to have them on a keychain that played the Canadian national anthem, and if she hit her purse hard enough against the wall, it would start to play and she could find them. Lily said it was tacky and bought her a new, tiny keychain, and now she has to stand in the hall like an idiot.
She pushes open the door and fumbles for the switch. The lights turn on, and Ted and Karen are laying on the couch. They're kissing.
"Great," she says, more to herself than anyone, but they look up. Ted jumps off Karen and starts blathering excuses, but Robin's too tired.
"It's fine," she says. "I'll just - "
"No, don't," Karen says, looking incredibly uncomfortable. "I'm sorry. I'll go."
She takes a really long time to find her second shoe. Robin and Ted stand there, making really awkward small talk. Finally, she brushes past Robin, looking apologetic, and leaves.
"Huh," Robin says. Ted's looking intently at the coffee table.
"Well, I'm pretty tired," he says. "Probably just going to hit the sack." He yawns unconvicingly.
"Yeah," she says. "Me too."
They both stand there for a second, not saying anything.
"Okay then," he says.
"Yep," she says.
He retreats to his room, and she goes to the fridge and pulls out a ten-pack of cheese singles and some Wheat Thins. Desperate times, Scherbatsky, she thinks to herself, and turns on AMC just in time to watch "The Game."
***
She gets to MacLaren's early the next night, and Barney's the only one there.
"Scherbatsky," he says when she sits down. "Just the girl I wanted to see."
"Really?" she says.
"Well, a flexible foreigner with a troubled childhood would have been my first choice," he says. "But second place, definitely you."
"Thanks," she says, motioning to Wendy for a beer. "How's life?"
"Awesome," he says. "And you?"
"Eh," she says. She hadn't meant to say anything about it, but she's always found it easy to talk to Barney. When it's just the two of them, she doesn't feel much need to put up a front. "I think Ted and Karen are going to start dating."
"Oh really?" he says. He pauses for a second and looks at her. "She is ... way too hot for him."
Somehow, he couldn't have said anything better. She cracks up. "Thank you," she says. "Is it weird that I feel weird about it?"
"You feel weird about it?"
"Yeah," she says. "No. I don't know. I feel jealous, or something."
"Wow," he says. "Scherbatsky, are you becoming a chick?"
"Shut up," she says. "It's just - I introduced him to Karen, you know? They shouldn't get to be all secret and in love together."
"Because you still like Ted?" he says. "Or you - oh, Scherbatsky, please, please tell me you're into Karen."
"No," she says, frustrated. "No, neither. I just liked having someone to myself."
He nods and looks down at his glass. "Oh," he says. He swirls the beer around a few times and doesn't look up. "Well, you have me to yourself."
"Huh?" she says. He's still not looking at her, and she could swear that he looks almost embarrassed. "Oh, come on, you spend half your life trying to get Ted to say you're his best friend."
He scratches behind his ear, and she's sure of it now. He's embarrassed. "Yeah, well," he says. "I'm just saying, you're on the same level."
"Wow," she says. "That's big."
"Huge."
"I'm very honored."
"You should be," he says. "You know how many bros are in line for Club Stinson?"
"Hundreds," she says.
"Uh, try thousands."
"That's a lot of guys," she says. "Is it a gay club?"
"No," he says, annoyed. "It's just a magical, bro-on-bro - "
She starts laughing. When she stops, Barney is just looking at her, smiling slightly. It's a smile he doesn't use much around everyone else. "God, you make me feel so much better," she says after a second.
"Duh," he says. "What kind of best friend would I be if I didn't?"
***
She's right about Ted and Karen, as it turns out. To be fair, they're really cool about it. Karen calls her up that night to ask her permission ("Because you know I would never, ever do it if it hurt you") and Ted pulls her aside at MacLaren's ("It's weird for me too, but I think this might actually be something"). And she is okay with it, when she thinks about it. She loves Ted, but she doesn't love him, and she thinks that maybe Karen could.
They go on their first date on Friday. Karen is really nervous and keeps trying on different outfits, while Robin and Lily make margaritas and try to fix Robin's microwave. It's weird at first, but Karen is so anxious and adorable that Robin just laughs. This feels like progress, for the first time in a while.
It's just four of them at MacLaren's that night. Lily and Marshall leave around nine, and then it's just her and Barney, sipping their scotch and talking about their grade school crushes. It's weird, but being with Barney is like letting out a breath she's been holding. She loves her other friends, but she and Barney can talk about nothing and it's so easy.
After half an hour, he downs the rest of his drink and looks at her. "Want to go somewhere else?"
"Somewhere else?" she says, pretending to be shocked. "I thought the apocalypse had destroyed the outside world and left only this bar."
"That's true," he says, "but I hear the rebuilding effort is strong. As long as we don't contract Rage, then - "
"Wait, this is a zombie-style apocalypse?" she says. "I really don't think that's the best way to convince me to go out."
"Come on." He winks at her. It should be lame, but her stomach clenches a little. "Zombie is the new metrosexual. Let's go."
They go to a bar called Sandpaper, which Robin thinks is weird. Sandpaper makes her think of construction and abrasiveness. Barney says it's a reference to a West Coast sexual act, but she doesn't think that's true. Whatever, though, the drinks are cheap and there's dancing, which is more than she can say for MacLaren's.
They have a few drinks and talk for a while, but the music is pretty loud. After a few minutes, he gestures to the dance floor. "You want to?"
"Dance?" she says. "Um, sure. Why not?"
He takes her hand and pulls her through the mass of bodies. His hand is cool and dry, and when he puts it on the small of her back, shivers lap over her skin like tiny waves. He pulls her closer, and she puts a hand on the front of his shirt. She can feel his heartbeat through it, and when she moves her hips against his, the beat quickens.
She grins at him and he grins back. His eyes are dark, and he has the same competitive look that he gets when he's betting or playing Battleship. He moves his hand an inch lower, and she can't help exhaling sharply.
He grins as if he's accomplishing something. "Oh, shut up," she says.
"Yeah?" he says. "Is that what you want?"
"You have no idea what I want."
"I remember it differently."
"Remember what, exactly?"
"You're so annoying."
"You love me," she says. The look in his eyes changes suddenly, but he doesn't let go.
"You love me," he says. His grip tightens.
"Coward," she says, and smiles.
"Maybe," he says, and before she knows it, his hand is on the back of her neck, fingers sliding up into her hair. It's like the first time, only a thousand times better, because she has been waiting for this for so long.
There's a moment when the whole club seems quiet, like the second after a car flies off a cliff. That moment of airless silence, and then Barney is kissing her, his teeth dragging against her lower lip and his hands clutching in her hair. She presses against him, so she can feel the whole length of his body against hers. When they pull away, they're both breathing raggedly. He's looking at her as if daring her to say something sarcastic.
"Huh," she manages to say after a second.
"Yeah," he says. "What do we - "
"Your place is, um," she says. "Closer," she finishes weakly.
"Why, Scherbatsky," he says, grinning, and she's infuriated that she gave in first. "Are you trying to take advantage of me?"
"Oh, shut up," she says, and slides her hands up his back.
***
She expects the fall-out to be much worse. She wakes up in Barney's bed the next morning, they go to brunch, and they rent a paddleboat in the afternoon and play Stealth Boat, a game that Barney invents that has seemingly no rules except having paddleboat sex.
They don't tell the others for a few weeks, and even when they do, Lily and Marshall just roll their eyes and Karen says, "Finally" and Ted squeezes her hand. The great thing is that hardly anything changes. She still lives with Ted, but she spends most nights with Barney, playing strip chess and drinking scotch and planning pranks. Everything is awesome: the conversation, the frequent Laser Tag, the sex. Especially the sex. She almost can't believe she waited this long to be with him.
They don't talk much about the future. She likes it that way. With Ted, she felt as if the relationship could only go two ways - either they could break up or get married. With Barney, she thinks she could do this forever.
Five months after they start dating, Ted and Karen get engaged. They don't say anything all night, then Karen puts her hand on the table accidentally and Lily squeals.
"Oh my God!" she says, and Karen starts to laugh giddily, and then they're all hugging and ordering extra drinks and grinning at each other.
An hour later, Ted and Karen are off having sex somewhere, and Lily and Marshall are ordering drinks. Barney looks at her from across the table.
"Don't start getting ideas, Scherbatsky," he says.
"Please," she says. "The only thing I want wrapped around my finger is you."
"That's my girl," he says, and reaches for her hand over the table.
***
Fandom: How I Met Your Mother/The Office
Pairing: Robin/Barney, Ted/Karen
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: This story exists in a universe where Robin still works at Metro News One and Karen moved to Dunder Mifflin Headquarters in New York after leaving Scranton.
I felt around in the dark
Building rope ladders into your heart
Climbing hand over hand to get in
It's five thirty on a Thursday, and Robin's a little drunk. She thinks she could justify the earliness if she wasn't alone, but Ted isn't picking up his cell phone and Barney doesn't get off work for another hour. All alone, she thinks morosely. All-own. That's probably where the word comes from, because all you have is yourself. Somebody should be paying her to come up with this stuff.
She moves the ice at the bottom of her glass with her straw. The drink has been gone for a while. She struggles to get up, which is probably a sign that she doesn't need another drink. Whatever.
There's a girl sitting at the bar, moving her ice around in much the same way as Robin. She's pretty hot, long brown hair and a white shirt that doesn't do much for her. Robin wants to tell her, but it's probably not the right time. She could totally be in charge of What Not To Wear. Stacey's a huge bitch anyway, and Robin doesn't see why they have to throw away all the original clothes. What if you have to eat Tim Hortons and watch a DieHard marathon one day, then what? It doesn't make any sense.
She sits down at the bar and motions for Carl.
"Scotch," she says.
"Are you sure?" he says, glancing at the booth. "Where's the gang?"
"Who knows," she says, waving non-committally in the direction of ... something. "They're lame."
"It's pretty early, huh?" Carl says. "Bad day at work?"
This is already the longest conversation she's ever had with Carl, she thinks. Maybe this is why they don't sit at the bar.
"It wasn't bad," she says. "It was just stupid. They hired a new anchor, and she's - " She makes a face. And then another face. There are probably not enough faces in the face lexicon to express how she feels about the development.
Carl grins. "She's hot?"
Robin glares at him. "No," she says. "She looks like she got - attacked. By badgers."
"Wow, that hot?"
She puts her forehead against the bar. It's nice and cool. "It doesn't work having two hot female anchors," she says, annoyed. "It's redundant."
"And you're supposed to be the hottest?"
"Exactly."
She doesn't bother lifting her head up, even when he sets the drink next to her. "I know it's stupid," she mumbles into the counter. "It's a stupid problem at a stupid job. Stupid, stupid." It's true, though. Ted's designing skyscrapers and Lily's molding young minds and Barney is - well, she doesn't know, but probably invading a country or playing golf with Kim Jong-il. In comparison, Metro News One feels like a paper route.
"It's not that bad," someone else says. It takes Robin a second to realize it's the shirt girl. "I'll bet you a basket of nachos that the job I just quit was worse than yours."
Robin lifts her head up. "Make it deep-fried macaroni and cheese bites, and you're on."
The girl laughs. She has a good laugh. "Deal."
"Today, I reported a story on the danger of strangling yourself with floss," Robin says. Seriously. In a half-hour segment, she interviewed two dentists, one actuary, and a woman whose experience had left a minty-smelling welt on her neck.
"Please," the girl says. "Last week, I organized my client folders by color. Then my boss said they weren't in the order of the colors of the rainbow, which was violating the memory of Roy G Biv, so I had to redo it."
"Uh, that involves a rainbow," Robin says. "Rainbows are pretty and awesome. I win."
"Fine," the girl says. "Hmm. Okay, on my first day, he told me that if I ever needed anyone to carry my baby, he was available."
"That is not true."
"Yes it is!" the girl says indignantly. "He said he'd been reading up on egg donation programs."
"No way." Robin says. "I mean, if we're going to just ignore the rules and cheat then I - um. My boss is - a - he's part ... tiger," she finishes lamely.
"That's the best you've got?" Carl says. "A whole word of possibilities. And you come up with tiger."
"Shut up, you," Robin says, brandishing her drink. "You're the one plying me with alcohol."
"So I win, then?" the girl says. Robin glares at her. She doesn't know where this girl is from, but clearly she's never been to New York, Toronto, or The North Muskegee Trout Festival, because if she had, she would know that nobody beats Robin Scherbatsky.
"Yeah," Robin says. "Because 1-1 isn't a tie. Wait, yeah it is. Take it home and put it to bed."
Carl is laughing pretty hysterically, which she finds annoying. "I have never seen you like this," he says. "I should give you more free drinks."
"Not important," she says and turns to the girl. "Every weekend, I have to wear a clown nose for an hour for our Funday Broadcast."
"We have an office candy jar," the girl says, "and my boss takes all the peanut M&Ms for himself, then institutes an office diet and replaces them with Carroteenies."
"No," Robin says.
"Yep," the girl says. "Does not even remotely qualify as candy."
"Nature's candy?" Carl supplies. They glare at him.
"That is horrifying," Robin says, and it really is. Everyone knows that peanut butter M&Ms are the superior M&M. All of the chocolate goodness, none of the whole peanut awkwardly trying to pass itself off as candy.
"Alright, Carl, the basket's on me," the girl says, even though Robin totally would have paid for them. A girl robbed of her peanut butter M&Ms needs some cheering up.
"And a gin and tonic for her," Robin adds helpfully. "That's on me."
The girl smiles. "I'm Karen."
"Robin," she says. "What brings you to our fair MacLaren's?"
"I just moved here," Karen says, a little glumly. "I hate my job already, and I miss ... my friends. I'm sure it'll get better, but - "
Robin nods. She understands. Boy, does she understand. It took her four months of living in New York just to meet decent people, let alone feel at home. There are still days when she looks around, sees how dirty everything is and how mean people are, and wishes she was back in Canada.
Karen stirs her drink. "New York is just so big," she says.
"Yeah," Robin says. "Do you know anyone in the city?"
"I know that my landlord owns an underground 'dog training facility'," Karen says, "and I know the guy at the convenience store on the corner. Pretty impressive."
"Never underestimate the power of connections," Robin says.
"Sage words," Karen says. "So you have friends around here?"
Robin tries to gesture upstairs with her head, but it comes out looking more like the beginnings of a seizure. She takes another drink. It seems to be today's problem solver, and who is she to argue with the workings of the universe? "Upstairs," she says. "I live with my ex-boyfriend. Friend. Whatever."
"Weird," Karen says, then blushes. "Wow, that was rude. Sorry."
"Totally okay. It is weird. The other day I walked in on him shaving the upper half of his arm." She shudders at the memory. "Is that a thing?"
"Definitely not a thing," Carl says.
"Maybe he's on the cutting edge of men's grooming," Karen says helpfully.
"I guess his hair just naturally grows in weird," Robin muses. "He has a patch near his shoulder that's the shape of Jay Leno's head."
"He sounds like a catch," Karen says, smiling.
"Robin thinks so," Carl says, grinning, trying to catch her eye. Robin glares at him again. Obviously Carl knows nothing. If he paid attention at all, he would know that she's been over Ted for months. Years. She's been over him since before she was born, which was not all that long ago, so take that, bitchy lady at Blockbuster. God, you would think it was a crime to rent Spy Kids past the age of fifteen. And aren't those people trained in customer service? Isn't that practically half their job? It's not Robin's fault that they failed out of junior college and have to spend their Friday nights in a blue smock renting out porn to high schoolers.
She looks up, and Carl and Karen are staring at her.
"Yeah, I don't think Blockbuster rents porn," Karen says. She has a look on her face that says she's trying really, really hard not to laugh.
"Oh God," Robin mumbles, and puts her head down on the bar. "This is why I don't drink this much."
"I think it's great," Carl says. "Have another, please."
***
She starts going to Karen's a lot. She feels a little weird, not trying to incorporate her into the group, and she knows Karen notices it too. Sometimes she'll ask if Robin's friends are busy, but Robin just shrugs it off. Ted works a lot, she says. Marshall and Lily are really into the just-married thing. Barney is ... unavailable. Karen always looks a little mystified, a little hurt, but it's not hard.
The thing is, it's nice, having someone all to herself. She loves her group, but she's no one's best friend. She'll always be Ted's ex, and Lily - despite what she says - has Marshall. With Karen, it's just the two of them, and it's awesome.
They hang out probably twice a week, making margaritas and watching bad sports movies and going to bars that aren't MacLaren's. Robin can bitch about Metro News One, because Karen's job sucks just as much. Possibly more. After two weeks, they set up a chart in Karen's apartment and award each other points for job suck-age.
"I don't see how you're winning," Karen says in the third week of the competition, staring at the gold-star-laden chart. "David made me stay late every day last week, and I know the guys were all out drinking."
"Um," she says, "someone threw up on me. On live television. There is no possible way to top that."
"I guess," Karen says, topping off her glass with more pina colada mix. "More?"
"Yessir." God, when did she become someone who drinks pina coladas? If Barney were here, he'd probably throw up a little in his scotch.
"So, enough about jobs," Karen says. "How's the man front?"
Robin snorts. "Non-existent. I mean, there's Ted."
"Been there, done that?"
"Exactly."
"And that other guy? Ben?"
"Barney?" It comes out less smooth than she'd hoped. More like a nervous squeak. "Oh, that's, um. Nothing. He's nothing."
"Right." Karen is giving her that look, the one that Robin has kind of grown to love. She's the only person who can call Robin on her bullshit and really get away with it. "Does he feel the same way?"
"As in, does he think it's nothing? Probably."
"Nooo," Karen says. "As in, is he also completely in love with you and in a deep and horrible state of denial?"
"Ah yes. Probably. Also."
Karen stretches her feet out so that she's taking up most of the couch, prodding her toes against Robin's thigh. "And you've known him for how long? Geez, Schberbatsky, make your move already. That Sam and Diane stuff is way out of style."
"Who and what now?"
"Sexual tension. Cheers," Karen says, yawning. She snuggles her head into the crack in the cushions and closes her eyes. "Like on Degrassi, when the mountie and the fur trapper can't admit their star-crossed love for each other."
"Is that college years?" Robin says. She pauses for a second. "Oh, okay, shut up."
***
No one says anything until a month later.
They're sitting at MacLaren's, watching Barney hit on a redhead at the bar. The familiar twinge grips her for a second, but she shakes it off. It's just Barney being Barney, like always. It never upset her before.
"This is just getting ridiculous," Marshall is saying. "Who are all these girls? Don't they talk to each other?"
"Yeah, you'd have thought they would have checked The Network," Lily says, straight-faced.
"Wasn't it down a few days ago, though?" Robin says. Ted and Marshall are looking at them uncertainly.
"Oh, right," Lily says. "I just thought The Council sent out a signal."
"You guys are kidding," Marshall says. He's smiling, but he keeps glancing at Ted.
"Yeah," Ted says, "there's no network, come on." He looks at her, then Lily. "Come on, seriously?" He looks back at Robin again. She nods slowly. "Seriously?"
"Oh my God," Marshall says, awed. "This is just like getting a Hogwarts letter."
"It is so just like that," Ted says.
Robin is planning to carry this as far as it will go, but then she looks at Marshall. He's staring into the distance, and she's so sure that he's imagining his own Sorting that she bursts into laughter.
"Oh God," she says, between hysterical snorts. "I'm sorry, Lily."
"It would be have been me in another second," Lily says, wiping her eyes. "Oh man, you should have seen the look - "
"Okay, we get it," Marshall says, looking supremely annoyed.
"Thanks a lot," Ted says. He runs his finger around the rim of his glass. "Man, I wish I was a wizard."
She and Lily end up regretting the joke in the end, because that leads to a two-hour conversation about the merit of Houses, whether Snape can really be treated as a hero, and the possible futures of every single Hogwarts character. By eleven o'clock, Robin is staring into her fifth drink and wondering how many more ridiculous names there could possibly be to go through.
"Ernie MacMillan," Marshall says seriously. "I bet Ernie MacMillan went on to be a guy who sprays cologne at department stores."
"Or a guy who sells cell phone plans," Barney says.
"Do they have cell phones in the wizarding world?" Ted says. "I mean, does technology progress there?"
"Dude, they still travel by fire," Marshall says.
"Seriously," Ted says. "Does anyone actually use the Floo network? What's the point, when you can Apparate or use a Portkey or do anything that doesn't involve stepping into a fire?"
Robin downs the rest of her drink and moves to leave. "Okay, I'm heading out," she says.
"How many modern homes even have fireplaces?" Marshall says.
Robin rolls her eyes and turns to Lily. "See you tomorrow?"
Lily smiles, but she looks unsure. "Yeah, okay."
"What?"
"No, nothing," Lily says. The boys have stopped talking now, and they look a little uncomfortable too. "It's nothing."
Robin looks from Marshall to Ted to Barney. She's half-kneeling on the bench, a kind of halfway point between sitting and leaving, and she feels really awkward. "Um. Okay."
"It's just - " Lily pauses. "I don't know, you haven't been around much lately."
"Yeah, dude," Marshall says. "We've been wondering if you've developed a superhero alter-ego."
"Uh, no, we haven't been wondering that, because I pointed out - "
"Stop!" Lily says. She looks at Robin. "Obviously it's fine, if you're busy with other stuff. We've just wondered."
"Yeah," Robin says. She looks down at the table. She could say that work's been crazy, or that she's been dating a lot - or she could stop being a loner weirdo and tell them the truth. She probably should have done that a month ago.
"Yeah," she says again. "The truth is, I've been, um. Hanging out with someone else."
Marshall gasps like she just revealed she's her own evil twin, and Ted says, "There are other people in New York?", but all in all, it goes pretty well.
***
The next night, she invites Karen to MacLaren's. She's a little nervous, like maybe Karen has a huge flaw and she's about to discover it, but actually, everything is great. Barney loves Karen's suit, and Marshall wants to know how the hell her old boss escaped a lawsuit. When she and Lily start talking about clothes, Robin wonders why it took her this long.
She comes out with them the next night, too, and the one after that. It's great. Robin had always felt slightly outnumbered, just her and Lily against the three guys. Now they can play guys vs. girls Trivial Pursuit, and that is just awesome.
About a month after everyone meets Karen, she tells them about Jim. Robin's surprised she hasn't heard about it before, but Karen's pretty private. And after she hears the story, she understands why.
" - and he dumped me and left me by a fountain," Karen finishes. "And now he and Pam are engaged. Or married. Possibly they have a baseball team of children, I don't know."
"Wow," Marshall says.
"Yeah," Ted says. "Are you sure this wasn't Barney?"
"Please," Barney says. "Leave them by a fountain, and they can follow you. That's why I prefer to be on a boat, heading downstream, when I say my goodbyes."
"You are unbelievable," Lily says.
Karen laughs. "Well, whatever," she says. "It all worked out. I'm in New York with my awesome friends, and Jim is still working for Michael Scott."
"A toast," Barney says solemnly, and they all clink glasses.
***
Things progress naturally from there. She and Karen still hang out alone, but not as much. Mostly, it's like old times: work, then MacLaren's, then home to watch TV with Ted. Just with one more person.
She and Karen and Lily set up a weekly girl's night on Thursdays. The first week, they drink Cosmopolitans and watch Sex and the City, but it turns out that Robin and Karen hate the show, and Lily doesn't like cranberry juice. After that, they watch the Home Shopping Network and play drinking games with old tequila, and it's way better.
Her life feels pretty great, except for two things. She's pretty sure that Karen likes Ted. When they used to talk about guys, she would gush over the cute guy at the bagel place on the corner, or the new branch manager at Dunder Mifflin Utica. Now she clams up, and when Robin talks about her relationship with Ted, Karen gets weirdly cold.
She's not surprised, really. Ted is a great guy, and she definitely doesn't want to be with him. She's just so relieved that everything is back to normal between them, and she doesn't want it to change.
The other thing, she can barely even admit to herself.
She tries not to think about it, mostly. She definitely doesn't talk about it. Then one night, she and Lily and Karen decide to finish off a bottle of Jack Daniels together.
After an hour, Karen's on her back on the floor, laughing about something Robin can't remember. Lily found a Truth or Dare Jenga set that Robin is sure Ted bought, and she's been quizzing them with questions aimed at eighth-grade girls.
"Okay, okay," Lily says over Karen's laughter. "Okay. Karen, who was your first kiss?"
"Ooh," Karen says. She reaches for the bottle and grabs the base of the lamp instead. "Paulie Sowarski. Fourth grade."
"You kissed someone named Paulie?" Lily says.
"Like that movie," Robin adds helpfully. "About the parrot."
"Exactly like that," Karen says.
"Okay, Robin," Lily says, pulling another block out of the pile. "Who do you like?"
"Yeaaah," Karen says, and flips over. She gives Robin an intense, searching look, then cracks up again. "Who do you like like?"
"Lame," Robin says. "No one."
"Li-ar," Lily says. Karen grins. "L - I - E - R."
"You cannot be serious," Karen says.
"I am so serious," Lily says, apparently not seeing Karen's point. "We all know Robin's in love."
"And denial," Karen adds. "Not just a river in Egypt."
"Whatever," Robin says. Her voice is doing the high-pitched, squeaky thing again. She doesn't understand how people lie.
"It's because they had sex," Lily whispers to Karen, though Robin thinks she could probably hear it from the kitchen. "And it was awesome."
"Did he say that?" Robin says. Lily and Karen smirk at her. "Um, I mean ... what? Who?"
"You are ridiculous," Karen says. "This has been going on for so long. I'm going to tell him if you don't."
"Yes!" Lily cries, and they high-five. "An elaborate scheme!"
"No!" Robin says. "No, no - no elaborate scheme. I'll take care of it myself."
They roll their eyes. Lily props her head up on her elbows and motions for the bottle. "You coward," she says.
Robin takes the bottle from her and pours a liberal amount of whiskey down her throat. She's not in denial, she thinks. She's just friends with - everyone. All her friends are just her friends. She turns it into a song in her head, repeats it until her eyes are closed and she's drifting off against Lily's thigh.
***
She gets home from work at 1:00 AM the next Wednesday, pissed off because her new co-anchor held up production for two hours demanding someone redo her makeup. Robin thought you couldn't delay the 9 o'clock news, but apparently she was wrong.
She stands outside the apartment for about a year trying to find her keys. She used to have them on a keychain that played the Canadian national anthem, and if she hit her purse hard enough against the wall, it would start to play and she could find them. Lily said it was tacky and bought her a new, tiny keychain, and now she has to stand in the hall like an idiot.
She pushes open the door and fumbles for the switch. The lights turn on, and Ted and Karen are laying on the couch. They're kissing.
"Great," she says, more to herself than anyone, but they look up. Ted jumps off Karen and starts blathering excuses, but Robin's too tired.
"It's fine," she says. "I'll just - "
"No, don't," Karen says, looking incredibly uncomfortable. "I'm sorry. I'll go."
She takes a really long time to find her second shoe. Robin and Ted stand there, making really awkward small talk. Finally, she brushes past Robin, looking apologetic, and leaves.
"Huh," Robin says. Ted's looking intently at the coffee table.
"Well, I'm pretty tired," he says. "Probably just going to hit the sack." He yawns unconvicingly.
"Yeah," she says. "Me too."
They both stand there for a second, not saying anything.
"Okay then," he says.
"Yep," she says.
He retreats to his room, and she goes to the fridge and pulls out a ten-pack of cheese singles and some Wheat Thins. Desperate times, Scherbatsky, she thinks to herself, and turns on AMC just in time to watch "The Game."
***
She gets to MacLaren's early the next night, and Barney's the only one there.
"Scherbatsky," he says when she sits down. "Just the girl I wanted to see."
"Really?" she says.
"Well, a flexible foreigner with a troubled childhood would have been my first choice," he says. "But second place, definitely you."
"Thanks," she says, motioning to Wendy for a beer. "How's life?"
"Awesome," he says. "And you?"
"Eh," she says. She hadn't meant to say anything about it, but she's always found it easy to talk to Barney. When it's just the two of them, she doesn't feel much need to put up a front. "I think Ted and Karen are going to start dating."
"Oh really?" he says. He pauses for a second and looks at her. "She is ... way too hot for him."
Somehow, he couldn't have said anything better. She cracks up. "Thank you," she says. "Is it weird that I feel weird about it?"
"You feel weird about it?"
"Yeah," she says. "No. I don't know. I feel jealous, or something."
"Wow," he says. "Scherbatsky, are you becoming a chick?"
"Shut up," she says. "It's just - I introduced him to Karen, you know? They shouldn't get to be all secret and in love together."
"Because you still like Ted?" he says. "Or you - oh, Scherbatsky, please, please tell me you're into Karen."
"No," she says, frustrated. "No, neither. I just liked having someone to myself."
He nods and looks down at his glass. "Oh," he says. He swirls the beer around a few times and doesn't look up. "Well, you have me to yourself."
"Huh?" she says. He's still not looking at her, and she could swear that he looks almost embarrassed. "Oh, come on, you spend half your life trying to get Ted to say you're his best friend."
He scratches behind his ear, and she's sure of it now. He's embarrassed. "Yeah, well," he says. "I'm just saying, you're on the same level."
"Wow," she says. "That's big."
"Huge."
"I'm very honored."
"You should be," he says. "You know how many bros are in line for Club Stinson?"
"Hundreds," she says.
"Uh, try thousands."
"That's a lot of guys," she says. "Is it a gay club?"
"No," he says, annoyed. "It's just a magical, bro-on-bro - "
She starts laughing. When she stops, Barney is just looking at her, smiling slightly. It's a smile he doesn't use much around everyone else. "God, you make me feel so much better," she says after a second.
"Duh," he says. "What kind of best friend would I be if I didn't?"
***
She's right about Ted and Karen, as it turns out. To be fair, they're really cool about it. Karen calls her up that night to ask her permission ("Because you know I would never, ever do it if it hurt you") and Ted pulls her aside at MacLaren's ("It's weird for me too, but I think this might actually be something"). And she is okay with it, when she thinks about it. She loves Ted, but she doesn't love him, and she thinks that maybe Karen could.
They go on their first date on Friday. Karen is really nervous and keeps trying on different outfits, while Robin and Lily make margaritas and try to fix Robin's microwave. It's weird at first, but Karen is so anxious and adorable that Robin just laughs. This feels like progress, for the first time in a while.
It's just four of them at MacLaren's that night. Lily and Marshall leave around nine, and then it's just her and Barney, sipping their scotch and talking about their grade school crushes. It's weird, but being with Barney is like letting out a breath she's been holding. She loves her other friends, but she and Barney can talk about nothing and it's so easy.
After half an hour, he downs the rest of his drink and looks at her. "Want to go somewhere else?"
"Somewhere else?" she says, pretending to be shocked. "I thought the apocalypse had destroyed the outside world and left only this bar."
"That's true," he says, "but I hear the rebuilding effort is strong. As long as we don't contract Rage, then - "
"Wait, this is a zombie-style apocalypse?" she says. "I really don't think that's the best way to convince me to go out."
"Come on." He winks at her. It should be lame, but her stomach clenches a little. "Zombie is the new metrosexual. Let's go."
They go to a bar called Sandpaper, which Robin thinks is weird. Sandpaper makes her think of construction and abrasiveness. Barney says it's a reference to a West Coast sexual act, but she doesn't think that's true. Whatever, though, the drinks are cheap and there's dancing, which is more than she can say for MacLaren's.
They have a few drinks and talk for a while, but the music is pretty loud. After a few minutes, he gestures to the dance floor. "You want to?"
"Dance?" she says. "Um, sure. Why not?"
He takes her hand and pulls her through the mass of bodies. His hand is cool and dry, and when he puts it on the small of her back, shivers lap over her skin like tiny waves. He pulls her closer, and she puts a hand on the front of his shirt. She can feel his heartbeat through it, and when she moves her hips against his, the beat quickens.
She grins at him and he grins back. His eyes are dark, and he has the same competitive look that he gets when he's betting or playing Battleship. He moves his hand an inch lower, and she can't help exhaling sharply.
He grins as if he's accomplishing something. "Oh, shut up," she says.
"Yeah?" he says. "Is that what you want?"
"You have no idea what I want."
"I remember it differently."
"Remember what, exactly?"
"You're so annoying."
"You love me," she says. The look in his eyes changes suddenly, but he doesn't let go.
"You love me," he says. His grip tightens.
"Coward," she says, and smiles.
"Maybe," he says, and before she knows it, his hand is on the back of her neck, fingers sliding up into her hair. It's like the first time, only a thousand times better, because she has been waiting for this for so long.
There's a moment when the whole club seems quiet, like the second after a car flies off a cliff. That moment of airless silence, and then Barney is kissing her, his teeth dragging against her lower lip and his hands clutching in her hair. She presses against him, so she can feel the whole length of his body against hers. When they pull away, they're both breathing raggedly. He's looking at her as if daring her to say something sarcastic.
"Huh," she manages to say after a second.
"Yeah," he says. "What do we - "
"Your place is, um," she says. "Closer," she finishes weakly.
"Why, Scherbatsky," he says, grinning, and she's infuriated that she gave in first. "Are you trying to take advantage of me?"
"Oh, shut up," she says, and slides her hands up his back.
***
She expects the fall-out to be much worse. She wakes up in Barney's bed the next morning, they go to brunch, and they rent a paddleboat in the afternoon and play Stealth Boat, a game that Barney invents that has seemingly no rules except having paddleboat sex.
They don't tell the others for a few weeks, and even when they do, Lily and Marshall just roll their eyes and Karen says, "Finally" and Ted squeezes her hand. The great thing is that hardly anything changes. She still lives with Ted, but she spends most nights with Barney, playing strip chess and drinking scotch and planning pranks. Everything is awesome: the conversation, the frequent Laser Tag, the sex. Especially the sex. She almost can't believe she waited this long to be with him.
They don't talk much about the future. She likes it that way. With Ted, she felt as if the relationship could only go two ways - either they could break up or get married. With Barney, she thinks she could do this forever.
Five months after they start dating, Ted and Karen get engaged. They don't say anything all night, then Karen puts her hand on the table accidentally and Lily squeals.
"Oh my God!" she says, and Karen starts to laugh giddily, and then they're all hugging and ordering extra drinks and grinning at each other.
An hour later, Ted and Karen are off having sex somewhere, and Lily and Marshall are ordering drinks. Barney looks at her from across the table.
"Don't start getting ideas, Scherbatsky," he says.
"Please," she says. "The only thing I want wrapped around my finger is you."
"That's my girl," he says, and reaches for her hand over the table.
***