feels like home
feels like home
yunho/boa; pg-13, canon, ~7756w
a/n: the first collab between yuri and kimmy, and the primary reason for the birth of pygalgia. this fic was inspired by yuri's next flight (canon!changyoon, which is set 3-5 years-ish from now), so this is basically a side-fic from Next Flight! both of us really enjoyed writing this and we hope you would enjoy reading it too!
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Boa had always known it was only a matter of time before this day would come. She does not dread it but she does not yearn for it either. He knows this so he does not bother to call in advance, he won’t mention it to a friend, he won’t construct a polite message - he sneaks up on her, like an overdue heart attack.
Yunho goes around and comes around, every cycle begins and ends on her couch.
-
She’s watching him from the door of his room (previously her guestroom), leaning casually against the doorframe as she munches on a piece of bread slowly. He’s unpacking, throwing clothes onto the bed and arranging a few books on the desk by the corner. Boa follows his every movement in amusement; it’s a little ridiculous how comfortable he is acting when it’s been months since they’ve last had a proper conversation with each other.
It’s ridiculous, but it’s also Yunho.
“I didn’t know you read.” She pipes up softly, and he turns around with a grin on his face.
“Looks like you don’t know everything about your best friend.” Yunho teases, and Boa rolls her eyes in a playful manner. “How can I when you’re so busy being a superstar in Seoul?”
“Were.” He corrects briskly. “And I don’t think you can call a musical actor a superstar. Our idol days are over, Boa.”
It’s true, in a sense. It’s been a few years since Dong Bang Shin Ki disbanded, also a few years since Boa has left Seoul to focus full-time on song-writing, and if she is to be true to herself, Boa has no idea what has been going on with the lives of her labelmates. Changmin for one, has disappeared to god-knows where, and if it isn’t because he would still send her some text messages or call her occasionally, Boa would have thought he had died. Siwon, Yeonhee and Ara are still in touch, of course, but they hardly ever had the time to come visit. Her juniors, Yoona and Sooyoung, have established themselves well as an actress. Taeyeon’s songs are still playing in the nearby cafes she would visit, and that’s about all that she knows about her labelmates.
Silence fills the air once again as Yunho chucks his clothes from his bed into the small wardrobe by the door. He closes the wardrobe drawers and leans against it, now staring at Boa as she takes another bite from her bread. “What? Why are you staring at me?”
Yunho gives her a lopsided grin, one she has not seen in years. “So...are you going to tell me what’s so great about the countryside, or am I going to have to force you to show me around?”
“It’s different.” She answers simply. “More peaceful. It’s a change I needed.”
He hesitates to say something, but Boa gives him the green light to speak up (as she always would). “Did you have to go so far, though?”
Boa removes herself from the doorframe and tiptoes into the room lightly, carefully. It’s his personal space now, she thinks to herself before whirling around to look at Yunho. “It’s a fresh start. The air is different, the people are different…”
“No one recognizes you?” Yunho raises an eyebrow skeptically. Boa laughs and shakes her head. “Not always, thankfully. And you should be grateful too, since you’re going to stay here with me.”
Yunho doesn’t say anything, merely smiles as he crosses his arms to observe the woman in front of him. She still looks the same, acts the same, yet there is something different about her that he couldn’t exactly pinpoint.
“Oh, it’s time for Yoona’s drama.” Boa announces suddenly, noticing the time on the clock ticking on Yunho’s desk. She leaves the room with Yunho following behind. “You follow Yoona’s drama?”
“Of course. Sooyoung’s too.” Boa plops herself down on her couch, reaching for the remote as Yunho hovers around, uncertain of what to do. “They’re good. I’m surprised you don’t follow their dramas. Aren’t they close to you?”
Yunho finally settles down at the other end of the couch. “They were. But, you know, life got in the way. The last I’ve seen them was during Sooyoung’s wedding, if I remember correctly.”
“Ah, the wedding.” Boa nods, though her eyes are fixed on the tv screen. She remembers the younger female’s church wedding; it was small and private, those who attended were mostly family or close friends. The wedding was simply beautiful, and Boa remembers wishing that she wanted one of the same for herself, someday, perhaps.
The opening theme of Yoona’s drama starts playing, and Boa steals a glance at the individual seated at the far end of her couch. “Yunho?” She hesitates when she sees him looking at her with a puzzled look.
“Yeah?”
Boa pats the empty seat beside her. And as easily as she knows it is going to be, Yunho slides into that seat briskly. She curls herself into a ball and leans against her friend, his arm gently finding its position around her waist. She is half watching her drama, half listening to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat.
“I’ve missed you.”
She could feel Yunho nodding as he pulls her closer to him. “Me too.”
-
Boa’s not the type to snoop and especially not when it comes to him.
She’s not a believer in blind faith, she just believes in him. And not that Yunho was ever any good at hiding things from her; for decades now she has consistently been the first person he tells anything to and vice versa. They know each other like the back of their own hands - it has become easy for them to trace the lines that lead them to the things they may not say but share.
So it does disconcert her enough to knock over his pile of books when she catches sight of the email notification but more so, the writer of it. Panic stricken by the little rectangle that is fading as quickly as it had appeared, Boa doesn’t think, she just acts.
Hi oppa,
I hope you reached the countryside safely and getting all the rest you need. I know you said you’ll be out of contact for a while but I thought I should just check in on you anyway. I heard it’s much colder up there than it is in Seoul, so please take care of yourself and wear a lot of warm clothes, I know how much you like taking those night walks.
This will really be nothing to you but the premier of my new project that I’ve been telling you about is coming up soon. I’ve been preparing really hard for this role. It would mean the world to me if you could make it.
Yours faithfully, Yujin.
Yours, faithfully - the words keep swirling together so does the rest of the room. How naive is this girl, really? Certainly not as naive as she is but still, how long does Yujin, no, Uee, think she’s been his for? And how little does she think it takes for one to be faithful? Uee should ask Boa about it, she would know about it better than anyone else.
After all Boa did spend majority of her life vowing to live by those two things yet here she is, giving but never receiving.
-
It is as though a switch has been switched on in Boa’s mind, for after that accidental moment of reading Yunho’s mail, she begins to notice things. Even the littlest.
This paranoia begins with a harmless act, one that might not have meant anything if Boa hadn’t stumbled upon that email a few days ago. They are doing the dishes together after dinner, Boa wanting to keep the plates in the cupboard above. As she tiptoes and curses silently at the previous house owner for designing cupboards against the wall that are so far above her height, she hears him chuckling behind her.
“You’re really short.”
She grunts, rolling her eyes. “Tell me something I don’t already know.”
“If you were just slightly taller…” He is teasing her and she knows it. Yet, when Boa hears that coming from him, all she could think of is a particular woman known for her tall height and model figure. That thought came into her mind so quickly that she didn’t have the time to even block it.
She freezes, not knowing what to snap back in return.
“Hey, I’m just kidding.” Yunho nudges her back gently, reaching for the plates in her hand as he swiftly keeps them into the cupboard instead. Boa puts on a smile, that’s the only action she could think to do at the moment. Of course she knows he’s joking, of course she knows that he thinks her proportions are fine. This has been a running joke; her complaining about her height and him teasing but comforting her in return. Tonight though, it suddenly doesn’t seem funny anymore.
Boa pushes the thought away, keeping it hidden in the deepest recesses of her mind. She isn’t going to let some stupid email affect her relationship with Yunho, is what she repeats over and over again in her mind when she tries to fall asleep.
That thought remains until two days later, when she tries to switch channels to watch one of her favourite dramas, only to have Yunho suddenly grabbing her hand and telling her to wait.
“Wh--” She barely even needs to ask as she looks up then and sees the reason why.
The current channel is playing an advertisement for an upcoming drama. Boa could feel a lump forming against her throat as the leading actress appears on the screen. She dare not look at Yunho directly, although it is killing her to see what his reaction is at the moment.
When the advertisement ends, Boa meekly pulls her arm away. “Done? Can I change the channel now?” She honestly doesn’t understand why she’s being so courteous when this is her goddamn house and she is entitled to watch whichever channel she wants to at whatever time she wishes to. Why is she asking for his permission?
“Yeah, sure.” He answers, and she immediately knows why.
Boa wants to see his reaction when he answers her question. And she got her wish, all right. He had replied with a beaming face, and it didn’t take a genius to know why.
She presses the remote control with a heavy heart, eyes barely focusing on the screen in front of her as her mind begins to wander again.
-
It’s nothing, she tells herself the next morning. It’s nothing to worry about. Don’t let it get inside your head. It’s--
A vain attempt, she finishes in her head without even realising, when the word she had wanted to use was going to be okay.
Boa grips onto her mug so tightly her knuckles are turning white. She is silently observing Yunho from the couch, how he’s so absorbed in scribbling stuffs onto his personal journal - the one where Boa has never bothered to ask if she could read, because she knows he had already told her all that he wanted her to know.
A buzz from the phone is enough for Yunho to shift his attention. There’s a smile that is gradually forming on his lips, and it is leaving an uneasy feeling in Boa’s stomach. He quickly typed a reply before returning to his journal, and Boa begins to count the seconds for the next message to arrive.
Her heart sinks further when she hears the buzzing again, and she is only at her fifth second. Boa wants to believe that it is nothing, that the message is probably from someone she personally knows and she shouldn’t have to feel guilty for observing and judging her best friend like this. But as another smile lights up on Yunho’s face, Boa doesn’t know what to believe in anymore.
Yunho gets up suddenly, phone in his hand as he rapidly presses the screen. He barely even glances at Boa as he gestures that he would be outside for a while.
Before Boa could block herself from hearing anything, she hears a hey, it’s me, I’m really excited for you…
And Yunho is gone from the living room.
Boa is up on her feet before she knows it, makes her way towards the table before she even realises what she is doing. She picks the journal up hesitantly, before putting it down again. She drums her fingers against the table, contemplating for a few more seconds before making up her mind that if she doesn’t find out, she probably won’t be able to stop acting like a paranoid girlfriend.
She freezes at that thought, shaking her head a few times to correct herself. She had meant friend, not girlfriend.
Boa scoffs suddenly. It is directed at herself, for how pathetic she is at the moment. Yunho would be disappointed if he finds out she is acting this way. Why is she risking their friendship like this? Over a matter that had been supposedly resolved years ago? A matter that, if she hadn’t read that email, she probably wouldn’t have allowed it to bother her mind again?
She slams the journal down a little too hard on the desk; some loose contents flew out from it in a swift motion. Boa bends down to pick the pages or papers, noticing immediately that they aren’t part of Yunho’s journal.
That is enough as an invitation to begin looking through the papers one by one. Her heart is pounding and the guilt is overwhelming, yet she couldn’t stop herself from leafing through, eyes scanning word after word on the papers briskly. Boa finds herself sitting down when something catches her attention. Just a single word on the top left of the piece of paper--it’s a letter--is enough for her to hold her breath.
Congratulations, Yunho oppa!
Boa reads the sentences as quickly as she could. She only wants to understand the gist of the letter, not what was behind it and what it could possibly imply. By the time she reaches the end of the letter, she is trembling.
Love, Yujin.
This letter is dated years back, after Yunho was discharged from the army, just a few months before--
Boa suddenly finds it extremely hard to breathe. She drops the letter onto the desk and edges away. She feels sick, nauseous, wishes that she didn’t let curiosity get into her earlier. It would have been better if she didn’t find that letter.
It shouldn’t affect her so much, honestly, it’s just a congratulatory letter. It’s only affecting her this much because it’s Uee--Uee, not Yujin, because Boa’s never been on that level to be able to call her by her birth name--because it’s the same Uee that Yunho has been in a rumor with, the same Uee who Yunho didn’t want to talk about when she asked about her years ago.
This is the same Uee that Yunho says he’s friends with and nothing more, yet he couldn’t speak with her when he’s in the same room with Boa. The same Uee who could have invited her many other celebrity friends to her project premier, yet she chose to invite Yunho. The same Uee who is ideal and perfect, who visited Yunho while he was in the army before she herself even had the chance to.
This is the very same person Boa had first thought of when the inevitable happened.
-
Boa made herself promise to let it go. She promises to leave it be, to just accept what Yunho has told her last time, to just believe and trust in him. After all, isn’t that what her friendship with him is made of - trust?
But no matter how much she tried, she just couldn’t. Not when it is eating her up slowly, and especially not when she couldn’t even look at Yunho now without her mind wondering and imagining things.
She knows it is not okay to be doing this--how can it be okay to snoop around and go through all his personal belongings without telling him? This clearly violates any rules (be it silent or verbal) they’ve established among themselves, yet Boa thinks to herself that this is clearly the last of her concern at the moment.
“What are you doing?”
Boa doesn’t even flinch when she hears his voice from the door. She could hear clear surprise in his tone, but there’s also a hint of not wanting to jump into any conclusion. She doesn’t even look up when she replies him in a manner so curt, that Yunho begins to feel more concerned than he is mad.
“I need answers.”
“And you can find them in my desk drawers, how?”
Boa ignores him as she continues rummaging through his personal belongings. She could see him from the corner of her eyes, flustered and confused before finally taking steps towards her. “Talk to me, Boa. What is going on?”
“I told you,” She says in a matter of fact, her tone calm. “I need answers.”
She stops in midair as Yunho gently but firmly grabs her arm, forcing her to stop. “Look at me. Tell me what’s wrong.”
Boa takes a deep breath and counts to three. She snatches her hand away and glances up. “Remember Uee? Wait, I meant Yujin. Yeah, I’m sure you remember her.”
Yunho furrows his eyebrows. “What do you mean? Of course I remember Yujin, she’s…”
“You know, back then, you never wanted to tell me what’s going on between you two.” Boa interrupts as she takes a step away from Yunho. “Why?”
“What?” Yunho frowns. “Didn’t I tell you that we were just friends?”
Boa forces a smile, blinking back tears. “Right. Just friends.”
“Why are you being like this?” Yunho half pleads, half wonders what he has done that Boa is on the verge of crying in front of him.
“I’m starting to think that there was more to what happened when you wanted to…” She trails off, hastily wiping her tears away as she starts to walk away. But of course, Boa barely takes three steps before she is stopped.
“What are you implying?” He asks, his face marred with aghast. “You’re not making any sense right now, Boa.”
“You know what I’m implying. You and her.” She whispers, suddenly tired of explaining and wanting very much to just go to sleep. “I-I can’t do this right now.”
Boa is halfway across the room when Yunho comes in front of her again. She sighs, running a hand over her hair in frustration. Tonight is not the night, she tells herself over and over again, not the night to ruin what is left of your friendship with Yunho.
“Is this how much you trust me?” Yunho says, the hurt evident in his expression and Boa suddenly feels like she cannot keep herself calm anymore. “You started this. You can’t just walk out now.”
“Me?” She is on the verge of exploding. “I’m the one who started this?”
“You are the one snooping through my stuffs and then not telling me why. You are the one accusing me of things I’m not even sure what. Are you trying to say that I started all that?”
“I wasn't the one who wanted to-“ Boa stops herself quickly, biting the words back as she throws her hands up. “Fine. Fine.”
Yunho shakes his head a few times. “What does that even mean?”
“It means,” Boa takes another deep breath, her heart pounding so hard she could hear the thumping in her head. “that you should leave. I can’t take this anymore.”
The words that came out from Boa’s mouth surprises Yunho so much that he takes a step back in disbelief. “What?”
“You heard me, Yunho. Please.” In all truth and honesty, Boa never would have imagined a day where she would beg for him to leave. “Leave.”
“I’m not going to leave.” Yunho says firmly.
Boa knows what he’s doing; Yunho’s trying to fix this relationship. Whatever that’s left, anyway. She also knows that he’s doing a damn poor job. Because if he even knows her, claims to know her best, he would have turned around and left without fighting back.
“Look, didn’t we promise, back when that happened, that we would still remain in good terms with each other?”
That’s it, Boa thinks to herself, I can’t be patient anymore.
“God forbid me to spell this out to you, Yunho. You don’t get it, do you? You don’t just go back to being the best of friends with someone you broke up with!” Boa screeches.
And there it is. The taboo words they’ve avoided using for the past few years; it is as though not saying them would make things unchanged.
Only that it isn’t. It won’t ever be.
“Then why,” Yunho is baffled. He lowers his voice. “did you even agree to that in the first place? Why did you allow me to stay here with you?”
“Because,” She could feel the tears welling up, her chest constricting as she fights down the tears. “It is so damn hard to say no to you. I can never say no to you.”
“Boa…” He reaches out to hug her, to hold her in his arms like how he used to, only to have her shove herself out from his embrace. She shakes her head slowly, her vision blurred by the tears in her eyes.
“You don’t get to do that anymore, Yunho.”
--
(
It happened years ago, at the least expected timing. A year or so after Yunho was discharged from the army; they’ve had one too many drinks to remember the exact details except that they’ve crossed the line they’ve drawn upon themselves.
Boa remembered being terrified. She remembered waking up with a terrible headache, remembered seeing Yunho asleep beside her. Needless to say, her headache became worse.
She remembered wishing that night never happened, that they could just go back to being best friends. It was mere wishful thinking, because she knew that no matter how much they tried, they could never go back.
The first mistake in this, was Boa pretending that everything was normal. When Yunho stepped out of his room, he was greeted with freshly brewed coffee. She could tell that he was confused, because there she was, seated by the kitchen counter and staring at the front page of the newspaper.
“Morning,” She had greeted him the moment he stepped into the kitchen. “There’s coffee if you want. I tried to make breakfast, but I didn’t think you’ll appreciate it if I burned your kitchen down.”
Boa could sense that Yunho was staring. She looked and focused everywhere except at his direction. Though her eyes were strained on the small prints of the newspaper, she was looking at him from the corners of her eyes; he was taking a cup from the cupboard and pouring coffee into it without saying a word.
Yunho took a seat opposite her quietly. Boa silently prayed he wouldn’t bring up what happened the night before. Because god knows what she could say, her thoughts are too incoherent to form a proper opinion now.
Boa was still pretending to be reading the newspaper when Yunho finally spoke. “This is really bad.”
At first, Boa froze. The first immediate thought that struck her mind was Yunho admitting that what happened between them was bad. She suddenly felt like she couldn’t breathe; thinking about it and actually talking about it were two entirely different things. And right now, Boa was trying her best not to think about it, let alone talk about it.
“This coffee, I mean.”
She relaxed, a huge sigh escaping her mouth before she could stop herself. And then she was alert, confused. Why was she feeling this way? Shouldn’t she feel glad if Yunho thought the same? Wasn’t that why she was pretending that everything was normal, right now? Boa swore her mind was so messed up at that moment that she couldn’t think straight at all. Her mind seemed to be in contradiction to whatever it was that her heart wanted. It just didn’t make sense.
“Boa?”
“Hmm?” She was afraid to even acknowledge his calling out loud. Two seconds went by and it was then that Yunho removed the newspaper from the kitchen counter. Boa briefly looked up, wanting to shout that hey, I was reading that! but nothing came out. He was challenging her, wanting her to talk to him, to say something.
“I…” She couldn’t say it. Not when she wasn’t even the least bothered by what was on the news that morning.
“Do you regret it?” Yunho asked, so softly that she almost missed it. He didn’t need to explain further what he meant by his question, because Boa understood it, naturally.
“I don’t know.” She answered truthfully after a long pause. “If...if it’s going to cost us our friendship then--”
“Hey, hey,” Yunho was quick to interject. “No one’s going to lose anything.”
There was one trait Boa had always admired Yunho for having; his optimism. Right now though, she wasn’t sure if being optimistic was the right emotion to be feeling.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Boa met his gaze then, but she looked away just as quickly. She was overwhelmed, her mind was a mess, her feelings all jumbled together. She definitely wouldn’t want to have this conversation now. “Not really, no.”
Yunho had nodded, getting up. “I’m going to cook us some breakfast.” And it was then that Boa could finally breathe properly.
Years later, Boa realised that not wanting to talk about it was her second mistake. She imagined that things would have ended up differently if she had given another answer then. Maybe if they’d talked about it properly, they would have managed to stitch together the first tear in their relationship. If they’d talked about it, the second and third tears would not have happened. And Boa would still have her best friend by her side today.
“What if we give us a chance?”
Boa whirled around in shock. Yunho was cracking eggs into the pan, looking as nonchalant as ever. As if what he had just said was perfectly normal, as if it wasn’t something that was of utmost importance.
“I’m sorry?” She was sure she had heard wrongly. Yunho couldn’t have suggested starting a relationship that resulted from a mistake, could he?
“You don’t have to tell me an answer now.” He didn’t bother repeating, he knew she had heard him just fine the first time. He smiled, slightly, turning his head to the side to look at her. “Take your time, but don’t leave me hanging for too long.”
Silence filled the air. It wasn’t until Yunho returned with a plate of scrambled eggs and sausages that Boa spoke again.
“Why?”
He handed her an empty plate before sitting down again. “The question you should ask is why not.”
But Boa was stubborn. “Why?” She pressed on, finding it difficult to believe that Yunho wasn’t thinking the way she was thinking. The risk to consider, the consequence she could foresee if this didn’t work out, why wasn’t Yunho seeing all these?
“You know why.” was his answer. Boa remembered that at that period of time, deep down, she did--or at least she thought she did. She told herself that she was just too afraid to admit it out loud. It had occurred to her that maybe what happened that night was merely an excuse to be in a relationship with her, that there was something Yunho was hiding from her, because why now? Why did he have to ask her to be his girlfriend so suddenly?
But it was Yunho, and so, she gave him the benefit of the doubt, that Yunho wanted to date her because he loved her, and not because of anything else. Or rather, not because of anyone else.
So two days later, she told Yunho her answer.
That was mistake number three.
)
--
Boa wakes up to the start of another day. Everything is relatively normal; Yunho is gone (What did she expect?), but he wasn’t here before this anyway. It doesn’t have to mean much if she doesn’t let it.
She goes through all her usual routines. She makes breakfast (for one) - two pieces of toasts, one buttered, one strawberry jam. She makes tea, not coffee because there’s no one to drink it. She watches the TV - flipping the channel from the news to a gag comedy show; it’s funny but she doesn’t laugh (she can’t hear him laughing anymore.) She cleans the dishes, wearing those rubber gloves she hasn’t put on for weeks now and hating how stretched they are now. (Washing was his job, hers was drying.) She takes an afternoon stroll around the park, it’s quiet, isolated - she used to enjoy this. She writes some lines for a song; the pages are filled with scribbles but the words are blank.
And Boa is so sure of herself. Life has roughen her edges - unfortunate circumstances and ugly reality don’t hurt her anymore. She swallows them down like jagged pills and deals with the horrible aftertaste. She is strong, she is unfazed and unbroken - she is alone, she is accustomed to this hollowness in her chest.
It’s only when the sun sets that Boa thinks it’s safe to tiptoe pass his room. In the first passing to her own bedroom, she doesn’t spare it a glance (There is no point looking for the traces of a ship that has sailed). The lights are out - she lays under the sheet but her flesh has gone cold, the darkness envelops her and tightening its noose around her soul. Her own home is no longer a haven but a tainted residence of one.
Boa doesn’t walk, she runs to his door (if you can even call it that anymore.) She wraps a hand on the knob and knocks with her other fist, surely there is only silence.
When she slides down onto the wooden floor, on the other side of the remains of their short-lived paradise, Boa bites her tongue so she cannot call out for him to come home.
--
(
Boa knew some stories would not have a happy ending. She accepted this fact when the inevitable happened. In fact, she’s surprised they’ve lasted so long together, and more so that she has secretly enjoyed every moment of it.
Boa was sure that back then, some of their close friends knew what was going on between them, but they were polite enough not to ask them about it. Maybe their friends knew that if they asked, they would be forced to tell them what they’d suspected - and everyone knew that an acknowledgement out in the open, was an invitation to trouble.
They had been so careful. They treated each other and their relationship like a fragile glass - one wrong move and they’d be broken into pieces. It was why Yunho and Boa’s relationship lasted longer than they’ve both expected, they were being so careful that they left no room for anything to be ruined.
Unlike a fairytale ending, though, trouble eventually came in the name of Dispatch.
There were pictures of them together in public, in some places they’ve never dreamed that Dispatch would even suspect a couple to be dating at. Boa was frustrated; they’ve done all they can to be careful, yet they were still caught in the end. It was worse that Dispatch approached them personally, wanting a statement before they would release it for the entire world to see. When Boa’s manager asked them why they were being so courteous suddenly, the reporter had answered something about respecting the both of them, since they were leaders of the Hallyu Wave, and wanting to give them a chance to clarify these findings, if they were by any chance, a misunderstanding.
In all honesty, Boa didn’t know what to do. Part of her felt that they shouldn’t do anything. Perhaps it was time to come out from the hiding and just admit to this. She had thought about it, weighing the pros and cons if the news broke out, and maybe now was the time to focus on the pros more than the cons.
“I think we should--”
“Break up.”
It was a slap to her face, but Boa forced herself to remain calm. She could hear her heart thundering beneath her chest as she willed herself to look at Yunho. “What?”
“The best solution to a problem, is to get rid of the problem in the first place. Then everything would just be mere allegations. Those pictures prove nothing except that we’re close, something the public already knows, anyway.”
Problem. That was the only word Boa digested from the entire sentence. She was unable to swallow the lump lodged in her throat, completely loss for words.
Yunho looked apologetic, but Boa honestly didn’t know what he was thinking behind the slight smile he was giving her. “I had the greatest time, Boa, but we need to think of our careers, our images...I don’t think I’m--”
“Okay.” She nodded quickly, wanting not to hear the I’m not ready excuse from someone she thought was different than all the other guys in her past. “Yeah, I agree.” She lied as smoothly as she could while willing herself not to look away, not to show Yunho that she didn’t have the same opinion as him. This wasn’t a one way street; a relationship needs two to work.
Was this what you told her too when you two were rumored to be in a relationship together? That thought struck her mind before she could stop herself. She bit her lower lip, shaking her head so that the thought would go away, but it only made it more vivid in her mind. Looks like you’re not any better than her, Boa.
Yunho hugged her, and even then, she sensed immediately that the feeling was different. It was odd to think this way, really, because all hugs are the same. Aren’t they?
“We’ll still be friends after this, won’t we?”
Boa hesitated before forcing herself to nod. “Of course. Always.”
)
--
A week has passed since Yunho has left, and Boa isn’t feeling any better than the second she asked him to leave.
She honestly doesn’t understand herself. She had been so sure when she pleaded for him to go, yet she’s pining onto a thought--a guilt, more like it--whether it was right for her to make that decision.
Boa wants so much to trust Yunho and to believe him when he told her there was nothing going on with Uee. But how could she do exactly that when Yunho had refused to tell her anything else about his relationship with the former idol turned actress? How could she do that when the timing had been so impeccable; that when she had suspected something has occurred between Yunho and Uee during his army days, he had refused to tell her anything?
Boa is many things, but gullible is not one of them. She has all the reasons to suspect that loving her wasn’t the first and foremost reason as to why Yunho wanted to start something after that fateful night. While she firmly believes that Yunho has never done anything despicable such as to cheat on her (god no, he would never), that doesn’t necessarily mean that he was in love with her when he asked her to be his girlfriend in the first place, either.
She doesn’t even hear the phone ringing the first time, but Boa snaps out of her trance when her ringtone repeats again. Her heart stops for one second when she sees who’s calling, but she answers it anyway.
“Hi,” She says softly, and receives a reply just as soft as her voice had been. “Hey.”
Boa isn’t sure of what to say. Her heart is running a mile and for the first time, she felt extremely nervous to receive Yunho’s call. What would people normally say after kicking a person they care for out from their house?
“How are you?” He asks first, making small talk.
“I’m fine...you?” Boa’s just glad to hear his voice, if she is to be frank with herself. And again, just this very thought makes her want to slap herself. Why is she always contradicting herself?
“I’m good.” Yunho replies before falling into a silence.
“Where are…” She couldn’t even finish a sentence without feeling the pile of guilt forming in her heart.
“I’m not in Seoul. Just...somewhere. Don’t worry about me.”
Boa nods subconsciously, as if Yunho could see that. She doesn’t have the heart to say anything else, nor does she want to put down the phone.
“I called because I wanted to apologise.” Yunho finally speaks again and Boa catches her breath in her throat at that one word he had said. “Just...I’m sorry I showed up without telling you, without asking you properly if it was okay for me to move in. I just assumed...you knew.”
I did. I could sense it coming from a mile away, she thinks, but doesn’t tell him. “It’s fine.”
“And I’m sorry,” Yunho begins again slowly, “for keeping things from you.”
Boa doesn’t answer, and Yunho doesn’t go on. She wants him to elaborate, but he is doing exactly what triggered everything in the beginning--keeping quiet. She shakes her head in disappointment.
“Nothing happened while we were together.” Yunho offers the best explanation he could come up with, though that isn’t what Boa is looking for.
“I know.” She replies a little harshly at first, but tones down immediately. “I already know that.”
(pause)
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure, of course...”
“Did you ever love me?”
Yunho doesn’t even hesitate. “Of course I did, why would you even ask this?”
Boa sighs heavily. “Because, Yunho, there is a thin line between loving a person and being in love with her. I’ve never doubted that you loved me. I know you do, very much.” Pause. “But, I don’t think you ever were in love with me.”
(silence)
Yunho’s voice is so soft Boa nearly misses his question. “Were you ever, then? In love with me, I mean.”
She couldn’t help but smile. If he could just see her now, he would know that the smile is more bitter than it is sweet. “Oh Yunho, if I weren’t in love with you, would I have asked you to leave?”
And then, she hangs up.
-
For days, Boa prays for the heavens and hell to impose upon her any reason, or rather excuse, to call Yunho again. (It can’t be over, can it?)
Switching on the television, she never imagined this would be it. Boa’s got a knack for dark humour, hence she faintly recalls having joked once or twice that this would someday happen to one of them. And it’s not uncommon for the newer generation of idols to ‘openly date’ but a live broadcasting of a marriage proposal? Now that’s unheard of.
Boa lets the images assault her eyes for what felt like years but only a matter of seconds before she reaches for the telephone in a hurry. She knocks the flower vase over and onto the edge of the couch but right now she couldn’t care any less about cleaning that up. In between dialing her best friend’s number and keeping her eyes glued to the video of Changmin and Yoona, hand in hand as they emerge from the departure gate.
Yunho too, must have hear this piece of mind bending news because he picked up on the first ring.
Together, “Are you watching?”
And again, “Channel four?”
Keeping the phone still between her shoulder and ear, Boa tackles with the remote to turn up the volume. She probably didn’t need to, Yunho already has it on loud enough for the both of them from his end of the line.
In complete silence, they hold their breath as the camera zooms up on Changmin’s face. Then:
“Oh my god,” Boa gasps, her head spinning at the word ‘engaged’, “It’s really true. This is really happening, Yunho - “
But he’s already way ahead of her on that one. “Get your things,” Yunho says short and precise, “I’m coming to pick you up.”
For a long while, Boa sits there with the ad break as her backdrop. Then she laughs because once an eternity ago, in the midst of drunken kisses, he had asked her how she felt about grand gestures and public declaration of love. Only as a last resort, she decided. Would it be wrong to say they’re already on their way there?
-
Former member of Hallyu wave’s idol group; Dong Bang Shin Ki - Choikang Changmin and former member of nation’s girl group; So Nyeo Shi Dae and now one of the most familiar faces in the acting world, Im Yoona, are revealed to be in a relationship...
Swiftly, Boa leans forward and fumbles with the volume knob. Her ears are blocked but she needs to hear this loud and clear - she needs to know for real this is happening and not some sick joke that’s been played against them.
The two stars were caught at the Incheon international airport, neither of which attempted to disguise their identities and proudly emerge from the arrival gate, hand in hand. However, upon further inspection sources are reporting that the two are recently engaged to be married. We have since confirmed with the couple themselves that -
Unlike her who is still in a state of disbelief, no matter the amount of time the news has been repeated on the radio, Yunho appeared to have had enough. If his aggressive way of turning the stereo of is not enough of an indication, his sudden acceleration of the car, certainly is.
“Did you know about this?” Boa asks, not meaning to be accusatory but sounding a lot like it.
Yunho casts an incredulous look her way. “Do you even need to ask that? I’m just as shocked by all this as you are, Boa.”
Boa huffs but chooses to give him the benefit of the doubt anyway. She wanted answers - it’s not everyday you turn on the news and see the headline, announcing the marriage between two of your hoobaes and closest friends. Unfortunately, this rainstorm isn’t helping very much with getting them to the airport. She lets the sound of rain droplets hitting the car’s windscreen and the windshield wiper squeaking replace the inescapable silence that consumes them.
“I can’t believe they’re getting married,” Boa says after what seemed like hours but was only after one red light, “They never even dated!”
We dated.
“There’s got be a mistake,” she rambles on, raking a trembling hand through her unbrushed strands, “Right? You can’t believe everything that the media tells you, that’s what you always say.”
“Oh yeah, because you definitely took that advice to heart before this,” Yunho mocks with a sarcastic edge as they make an abrupt U-turn, “Now you don’t want to believe rumour mills when an official statement is given.”
“Well I’m sorry,” Boa yells over all the honking he’s doing, her tone acidic, “At least all the parties involved in this case has got enough balls to at least give a statement!”
As the car comes to a screeching halt, Boa grips onto the hand rest while Yunho curses loud enough to make her wince.
“We agreed not to talk about us,” he argues hotly, looking out the window and never once at her, “There isn’t any ‘statement’ I had to make to you about Yujin.”
“You don’t have to but why can’t you?!”
At this, Yunho’s eyes fall shuts as he releases a heavy sigh that she knows he’s been holding in from the moment she got in the car. Looking more or less defeated, he rests his head against the steering wheel but all this evasion is not going to pass with her this time.
Stubbornly, Boa pushes on, “If I ask you, “Yunho-ah, what happened between you and Uee?” Would you give me an honest answer? Can we finally talk about it? Or am I going to have to spend the rest of my life wondering about all the ‘if’s and ‘why’s?”
“If,” he echoes even if distantly, “If you can’t even believe me when I told you I love you - the most certain thing that I know to be true,” He hands his head and sucks in a breath, she knows how much he hates to raise his voice at her. “Then how do I tell you about her? You might not accept it to be the truth and where’s that going to leave us?”
Boa forces herself to think about the most hurtful thing he can ever do to her and realises with a twinge that it has already happened - Yunho had broken their trust. But it’s not a one way street now, is it? She too, had done her fair share of prying and suspecting but never has she ever told him anything but the god spoken truth. There is no betrayal more dire than what he may do next - tell her a lie.
“I don’t know,” she says honestly, “But it sure as hell can’t be worse than where we are now, Yunho.”
--
It’s a media circus when they get there.
There are photographers anywhere and everywhere, Boa thinks absentmindedly that she hasn’t seen anything like this since the night that the news broke that Dong Bang Shin Ki is going to continue on as two. Yunho curses something inaudible under his breath that she misses, for she’s too busy looking back at the mob of people scurrying at the sight of anyone that comes through the departure exit. She feels him wrap a jacket over her, whispering “come on” as he ushers her through the door of wherever it is he is taking them.
“Did you see how many of them there are?” She asks once the door slides shut behind them, her voice uneven, “There are a hundred of them out there at least. How are Changmin and Yoona going to get out of here?”
“Shh,” Yunho hushes her and puts a comforting arm around her shoulder, “These reporters will have to clear out eventually. Besides, those two don’t have any reason to hide anymore. They have told them all there is to know, Boa.”
Turning cold in his hold, Boa lifts her troubled gaze to meet his reassuring one. She is surprised to find that even he, can’t shrink away the heavy feeling in her chest. Then with a startle it dawns on her that she’s not mad at him anymore. She’d been many things over the course of their years together, friends or more - happy, proud, confused, jealous, lonely, regretful but never resentful, except she is. Not of him but of herself. She let him go too easily and now that’s what he is to her, gone. It’s selfish to be having such thoughts and in a situation that doesn’t apply to them, but doesn’t it? Because this could have been her and this could have been him. She’d rather have this kind of twisted but happy ending than a sad one.
“Why couldn’t this have been us?”
Yunho looks at her like she’s lost her mind, Boa thinks she might have but better crazy than a coward.
So she tries again, more confidently this time. “Why are we a ‘problem’?” Boa turns so he would have to look at her, really look at her for who she really is - the woman whose love for him has survived decades of heartache, “I don’t ever want to think that the way I feel about you is a problem. And if it is…” She trails off, her eyes drifting to those lips she’s been longing to kiss, “If it is, then I don’t want to be fixed.”
“Boa,”
“You can say anything you want,” She interrupts him before he can get another word out, “But please, please don’t lie to me anymore. Just tell me the truth, I - “
“It’s still you.”
Boa swallows with difficulty. “What?”
“You haven’t changed at all. What a cry baby,” Yunho smiles down at her, wiping away the tear she didn’t know she was shedding with the pad of his thumb, “The truth is there’s never been anyone else. I never found someone new, I did contemplate it - many times actually, Yujin being one of those times. But,” He heaves a sigh but it oddly sounds like relief to her, “Every time I think of falling in love, I think of you.”
He holds her hand, intertwining her trembling fingers with his poised ones and Boa knows she’s made a lot of mistakes, but losing him is not one of them.
-
“Uh...so you guys are getting married, huh?”
“Uh...so you guys are living together in the middle of nowhere, huh?”
Yoona smacks Changmin rather harshly on the arm, then turns to Yunho with an apologetic smile, “Sorry about that, oppa. He’s just joking around.”
“Sure, whatever she says,” the man mutters under his breath and crosses his arms over his chest to express exactly how his agitated he is. Then to Boa, “Hyung’s really hard to live with. Noona, you must be having a hard time coping.”
“Not at all,” Boa chuckles sheepishly, sensing all the way from the front seat that Yoona is reprimanding her fiance with a murderous glare as they speak. “He’s actually very neat.”
“Too neat,” Changmin grimaces.
“Better neat than messy,” Yunho counters.
Yoona chimes in and clasps a hand over Changmin’s mouth. “Thanks for driving us, oppa.”
A beat of silence and peacefulness.
“Just wondering but how did you get hyung to stop acting like a chicken shit and admit he’s whipped for you?”
Abruptly, Yunho pulls over to the side of the road. Boa gives her boyfriend (how surprisingly comfortable it feels to think of Yunho as hers again) a questioning look that he chooses to ignore as he leans over the driver seat and calmly says, “Another word from you, you brat and you’re walking home, alright?”
As harshly as Yoona did before, Boa smacks Yunho on the shoulder then turns to the couple on the backseat, “Sorry about that. He’s just joking around.”
The threat must have been effective to a certain extent because the remainder of the ride continues on in an overdrawn but comfortable silence. Yoona had fallen asleep on Changmin’s shoulder, too exhausted by the riot of today and Yunho concentrated on driving while Boa feeds him directions, occasionally checking with Changmin who is more or less, dozing off too. By the time they pulled up on the curb in front of Changmin’s apartment, Yunho had to shake the younger boy awake. Boa rolls the window down to wave the couple goodbye and Changmin nods back in gratitude, not wanting to wake up his fiance as he carries her into the building.
They stay parked for longer than they should. The street’s empty and quiet, only putting emphasis on the humming of the car engine that Yunho never thought to turn off. Boa stares straight into the never ending road in front of them, she thinks it to be rather poetic because not only are they figuratively aimless; they literally don’t know where to go from this point on. She guesses this is what you get when you finally come full circle.
“Where do you want to go?” Yunho asks, also staring into the winding path that welcomes them.
Boa is glad to hear his question because for once, she is getting a say in what happens with them. “My place?”
“Both of us?”
She nods, though slightly afraid she would hear a different answer from him. “Unless you have somewhere else to be.”
Smiling, Yunho glances over at her and she returns it without hesitation. “Guess we’re going home then.”
-
(end)