don't be crushed
In high school, I did not experience the sensation of having a large group of friends with whom to hang out. Instead, I was one of those girls who had, at any given moment, just a spattering of tenuous acquaintances and one best friend.
That one best friend was usually manipulative and needy.
Now, granted, I was pretty insecure in those days. The only thing I had confidence in was my brain, which didn’t count for much in the change room, lunch room, or hallways during recess - which are, of course, the real character-building locations of any high school.
For this - and likely many other undiagnosed reasons - I was extremely skilled at attracting the most calculating-yet-clingy creatures, who would then attach themselves to my hip and poke me in the ribs relentlessly.
I still shudder at the memories.
So it’s probably not surprising that once free of that wretchedly condensed microcosm of society we call high school, that I avoided relationships with women altogether. Every fibre of my body repelled me in the opposite direction of friendly female attention. Sure, they seem nice now, but just wait! Soon enough they’ll be sucking my soul out with their sad-luck stories or negative vibes or indignant desperation or passive-aggressive rage! Who needs it?
Boys make much better friends.
Many years passed. Of course I encountered women during that time, and even became friendly with a few. But sure enough, once I let my guard down they would start to creep in and steal my energy. Sooner or later, I always seemed to become the counselor, advisor and comforter. The reliable listener and fixer of silly problems. The one who would always be there to offer insight, hope and time.
Which is fine, as long as it works both ways.
Which it never did.
So this is all to say that I have not had any REAL female friends…. well… ever. And by “real” I mean, balanced. I've never sailed a tranquil sea of give and take, mutual respect, genuine fondness, camaraderie and connection. Contagious laughter. Inspired idea-exchange. Ease.
You know, friendship.
Until now.
Currently I have two women in my life that I consider to be friends. Two! And I can tell this is different because I actually look forward to seeing them.
But here’s the thing. As different as this feels, it’s not entirely unfamiliar. I have had near-friendships with cool, interesting, smart and stable women before. It’s just that I always retreat just short of making any solid commitment. What if she suddenly turns into a freaky emotional nutcase who won't leave me alone? How can I tell for sure that this time will be different?
My default is always to just keep my distance.
I’m like some fucked-up chick who always picks abusive men and has lost all ability to size people up accurately.
Except that I actually have pretty good feelers when it comes to judging character. I’m just a slave to my gun-shy knee-jerk reaction to estrogen, that’s all. Even when I can see plainly that the female in question is, indeed, spectacular.
Estrogen is scary stuff, man.
So, here’s hoping that I can actually take the plunge this time and forge a couple of gratifying friendships with women for once. Cast my fears away and embrace the risk.
I mean, what’s the worst thing that could happen?
I can always pick up another soul at the local fish market.