I'm not dead
Yes, I know I haven't updated in awhile. Too many things have been going on lately that have just been overwhelming, but more about those stories later.
For two weeks I will be in Tennessee helping my parents decorate and set up their cabin that is finally finished being built. We're leaving tonight. I'm not looking forward to the drive, mostly due to the fact that 1 1/2 weeks ago I got back from a two week stay in Louisiana. That was a long, hard trip in itself adding all the emotional intensity it was draining. I'm still dealing with all of that and will be for a while. The deal with that was that my brother and I went up there to Satsuma, Louisiana, near Baton Rouge, to be with our friends, a family whom my brother had lived with for a year, whose youngest son was killed in a shotgun accident. He had just had his 11th birthday. The 14 year old son was there and holding the gun. We can only imagine what must be going on in his head day to day, though he jokes a lot and laughs. I've seen the pain in his eyes and how scared he gets at night. Seeing his dead brother in the living room where the accident happened. It's like something out of a horror movie. There are two other brothers: a 17 year old - one month younger than me and an almost 20 year old. I became involved with the nearly 20 year old, Jonathan. He is the only guy I have ever felt so strongly about so soon. And now, every single night I dream of him. I think about him constantly and I hate it. I think I love him. It sucks so much. It's only been a week and a half and I can't wait to get back up their and just hold him in my arms. I haven't been able to get a hold of him either. I've never felt this way about anyone or anything before. . . Dammit. . . Hopefully it will work out though. He wants to be best friends with me and see how it goes. He wants a relationship with me like I want with him but we are both nervous about the whole long distance thing, so until things get figured out, we will remain in contact and see what happens. The only thing is that I don't know if I can handle that long to be with him. I used to think that people in my situation who would do anything for love was incredibly stupid and just asking to be hurt, now I understand what it's like. I told him I would drop everything here, drop my plans for college and for my future, just to be with him. All he could do was hold on to me tight. I think he was stunned that I care so much about him, but he feels the same way about me and that makes me feel great. It's the first time that I've felt so strongly about someone and they've returned those feelings.
One night I was sleeping on the couch in the living room, his 14 year old brother on the other side of it with me, and him on the floor. I awoke to him stroking my face and looking so beautifully into my eyes and smiling. God, that was the best way I have ever woken up. He curled up on the floor next to the couch and leaned up kissing me so sweetly. And those were the best kisses ever. Early in the morning, still dark out, everyone asleep, the fire going, huddled under the blankets, just us awake, kissing so sweetly. And he has the sweetest lips ever. The perfect kisser. No matter how into it we got I didn't wind up having to wipe any spit off my face. That's the biggest thing I hate when it comes to kissing. His were absolutely perfect. Then, he laid down and we held hands until we both fell asleep again. It was so freaking sweet and romantic to me. I have such a great connection with him, more than I've ever felt with any guy and I cherish that and him too much to let that go. All my life I have dreamed of being taken away by my sweet prince, of having my fairy tale romance, and I believe that this is the closest I will ever get to it in my life. I don't want to pass this up for possibly a better guy or situation. I know we could be awesome together and I will do whatever it takes to make it happen and I know he will do the same. It's such a bitter-sweet thing. It hurts not being able to see him or hear his voice every single day. Even up there, I would get so depressed if I couldn't just touch him in some way. just to feel him and i think to let me know that he felt the same and that I wasn't imagining him. I told him that just to hold his hand made me feel so special. His eyes just brightened and he squeezed my hand and held it so tightly.
I've noticed too that things I used to find annoying and as turn-offs in guys, with him are not a problem. My first boyfriend had incredibly rough hands and i hated it. Jonathan's are so rough and hard but I can't get enough of them. I love the feel of them. He smokes. I said I would never date a smoker. He smokes weed. I said I would never date someone who did any type of drugs. With him it's a concern but i'm not turned off. I don't mind working with him through whatever problems he has. With my past boyfriends every thing they did annoyed me. they were too this or not enough that. I saw their flaws from the start. TO me even Jonathan's flaws aren't flaws to me. . . and that scares the crap out of me.
So, am I going crazy or am I genuinely love-sick?
Probably a mixture of both.
Look soon for future installments of "Crystal's Life: Story of a train-wreck waiting to happen (a true soap-opera)"
For two weeks I will be in Tennessee helping my parents decorate and set up their cabin that is finally finished being built. We're leaving tonight. I'm not looking forward to the drive, mostly due to the fact that 1 1/2 weeks ago I got back from a two week stay in Louisiana. That was a long, hard trip in itself adding all the emotional intensity it was draining. I'm still dealing with all of that and will be for a while. The deal with that was that my brother and I went up there to Satsuma, Louisiana, near Baton Rouge, to be with our friends, a family whom my brother had lived with for a year, whose youngest son was killed in a shotgun accident. He had just had his 11th birthday. The 14 year old son was there and holding the gun. We can only imagine what must be going on in his head day to day, though he jokes a lot and laughs. I've seen the pain in his eyes and how scared he gets at night. Seeing his dead brother in the living room where the accident happened. It's like something out of a horror movie. There are two other brothers: a 17 year old - one month younger than me and an almost 20 year old. I became involved with the nearly 20 year old, Jonathan. He is the only guy I have ever felt so strongly about so soon. And now, every single night I dream of him. I think about him constantly and I hate it. I think I love him. It sucks so much. It's only been a week and a half and I can't wait to get back up their and just hold him in my arms. I haven't been able to get a hold of him either. I've never felt this way about anyone or anything before. . . Dammit. . . Hopefully it will work out though. He wants to be best friends with me and see how it goes. He wants a relationship with me like I want with him but we are both nervous about the whole long distance thing, so until things get figured out, we will remain in contact and see what happens. The only thing is that I don't know if I can handle that long to be with him. I used to think that people in my situation who would do anything for love was incredibly stupid and just asking to be hurt, now I understand what it's like. I told him I would drop everything here, drop my plans for college and for my future, just to be with him. All he could do was hold on to me tight. I think he was stunned that I care so much about him, but he feels the same way about me and that makes me feel great. It's the first time that I've felt so strongly about someone and they've returned those feelings.
One night I was sleeping on the couch in the living room, his 14 year old brother on the other side of it with me, and him on the floor. I awoke to him stroking my face and looking so beautifully into my eyes and smiling. God, that was the best way I have ever woken up. He curled up on the floor next to the couch and leaned up kissing me so sweetly. And those were the best kisses ever. Early in the morning, still dark out, everyone asleep, the fire going, huddled under the blankets, just us awake, kissing so sweetly. And he has the sweetest lips ever. The perfect kisser. No matter how into it we got I didn't wind up having to wipe any spit off my face. That's the biggest thing I hate when it comes to kissing. His were absolutely perfect. Then, he laid down and we held hands until we both fell asleep again. It was so freaking sweet and romantic to me. I have such a great connection with him, more than I've ever felt with any guy and I cherish that and him too much to let that go. All my life I have dreamed of being taken away by my sweet prince, of having my fairy tale romance, and I believe that this is the closest I will ever get to it in my life. I don't want to pass this up for possibly a better guy or situation. I know we could be awesome together and I will do whatever it takes to make it happen and I know he will do the same. It's such a bitter-sweet thing. It hurts not being able to see him or hear his voice every single day. Even up there, I would get so depressed if I couldn't just touch him in some way. just to feel him and i think to let me know that he felt the same and that I wasn't imagining him. I told him that just to hold his hand made me feel so special. His eyes just brightened and he squeezed my hand and held it so tightly.
I've noticed too that things I used to find annoying and as turn-offs in guys, with him are not a problem. My first boyfriend had incredibly rough hands and i hated it. Jonathan's are so rough and hard but I can't get enough of them. I love the feel of them. He smokes. I said I would never date a smoker. He smokes weed. I said I would never date someone who did any type of drugs. With him it's a concern but i'm not turned off. I don't mind working with him through whatever problems he has. With my past boyfriends every thing they did annoyed me. they were too this or not enough that. I saw their flaws from the start. TO me even Jonathan's flaws aren't flaws to me. . . and that scares the crap out of me.
So, am I going crazy or am I genuinely love-sick?
Probably a mixture of both.
Look soon for future installments of "Crystal's Life: Story of a train-wreck waiting to happen (a true soap-opera)"