Silent screams in the night that awaken the dead. . . . . .
SO I haven't updated this thing in awhile, mostly because there is just so much going on that before i finished it would be a novel.
I kind of wish someone besides my mom and brother understood everything though. None of my friends would I'm sure. It's hard to understand what goes on when no one lives it. I'm so tired of it. The two-sides. The bullshit. The controlling. It's disgusting how he acts like such a wonderful person buit is really such a lying, conniving rat. I hate him for that. I truly despise him for that. and I can't get past that. I am ready to pack my bags and head to my grandma's but i'm giving it until after christmas. that's what my mom wants. to just have a nice christmas. my brother is ready to leave too. to rent a place just to be out of here and away from his controlling crap. it's ridiculous what my stepdad does to my brother when my brother is doing nothing to deserve that. sure, he has done stupid stuff in the past and still makes mistakes, but what right does jim have to try and control every single aspect of my brothers life and know everytime he takes a shit, who he talks to on his phone, everywhere he goes. it's damn ridiculous and he will not start doing that shit to me. everything has to be his way or we are insolant and bratty kids. but we aren't kids anymore and he's still trying to treat us like we are. so tired of it. . . . .
I skipped drama all this week. I said i was sick to stay home from work. i skipped kristen's party. it's just wearing me down. making me weak. . . . . I want christmas to come and be over with. Selfishly I want some cool gifts. Maybe it will temporarily make me feel better. something to take my mind off of crap. i am starting to retreat back into my shell. i was doing so well. i know hate the way i look and feel i am way too fat so i have started only eating 1 meal a day and maybe a brownie or two. a salad. that's it. i know it's unhealthy, but i'm so screwed up i don't even feel like eating anymore. i get sick to my stomach whenever i eat. even sometimes when i drink. i don't care though. as long as i lose weight then i will be happy.
i'm lonely. i want a boyfriend. or at least someone to flirt with and to flirt back with me and maybe have some makeout sessions. i'm tired of being the lonely one. the one home alone on the weekends with nothing to do. no guys calling me. now that kevin's going out with caitlyn i have lost my flrit buddy. i need a new one. i'm really thinking about going all the way with someone. I'm at the point that i just don't care anymore. I don't care about waiting until i'm in love. i've always said that i wouldn't have sex until i'm at least 17 and guess what? I am 17. it would be nice to have that temporary feeling of content and happiness. of not feeling like i'm in the way or that i'm an abomination and should be put out to pasture. That's how jim makes me feel and i hate that i've let him get to me. i try to be so tough. to conquer all. but i guess sometimes being tough and strong and smart is knowing when to let go and cry. . .
i've lost my train of thought. i just want a friend who understands. someone who will make this pain go away. . .
let me go now and cry an ocean inside . . .
"I'm so tired of being here"
I kind of wish someone besides my mom and brother understood everything though. None of my friends would I'm sure. It's hard to understand what goes on when no one lives it. I'm so tired of it. The two-sides. The bullshit. The controlling. It's disgusting how he acts like such a wonderful person buit is really such a lying, conniving rat. I hate him for that. I truly despise him for that. and I can't get past that. I am ready to pack my bags and head to my grandma's but i'm giving it until after christmas. that's what my mom wants. to just have a nice christmas. my brother is ready to leave too. to rent a place just to be out of here and away from his controlling crap. it's ridiculous what my stepdad does to my brother when my brother is doing nothing to deserve that. sure, he has done stupid stuff in the past and still makes mistakes, but what right does jim have to try and control every single aspect of my brothers life and know everytime he takes a shit, who he talks to on his phone, everywhere he goes. it's damn ridiculous and he will not start doing that shit to me. everything has to be his way or we are insolant and bratty kids. but we aren't kids anymore and he's still trying to treat us like we are. so tired of it. . . . .
I skipped drama all this week. I said i was sick to stay home from work. i skipped kristen's party. it's just wearing me down. making me weak. . . . . I want christmas to come and be over with. Selfishly I want some cool gifts. Maybe it will temporarily make me feel better. something to take my mind off of crap. i am starting to retreat back into my shell. i was doing so well. i know hate the way i look and feel i am way too fat so i have started only eating 1 meal a day and maybe a brownie or two. a salad. that's it. i know it's unhealthy, but i'm so screwed up i don't even feel like eating anymore. i get sick to my stomach whenever i eat. even sometimes when i drink. i don't care though. as long as i lose weight then i will be happy.
i'm lonely. i want a boyfriend. or at least someone to flirt with and to flirt back with me and maybe have some makeout sessions. i'm tired of being the lonely one. the one home alone on the weekends with nothing to do. no guys calling me. now that kevin's going out with caitlyn i have lost my flrit buddy. i need a new one. i'm really thinking about going all the way with someone. I'm at the point that i just don't care anymore. I don't care about waiting until i'm in love. i've always said that i wouldn't have sex until i'm at least 17 and guess what? I am 17. it would be nice to have that temporary feeling of content and happiness. of not feeling like i'm in the way or that i'm an abomination and should be put out to pasture. That's how jim makes me feel and i hate that i've let him get to me. i try to be so tough. to conquer all. but i guess sometimes being tough and strong and smart is knowing when to let go and cry. . .
i've lost my train of thought. i just want a friend who understands. someone who will make this pain go away. . .
let me go now and cry an ocean inside . . .
"I'm so tired of being here"