Don't Dream It Be It
Hmmm. . . As a statement on my previous entry I said that I would to anything and give up anything for that particular someone, but that doesn't mean I am going to. I am smarter than that. And now on to the drama. . .
The two weeks in Tennessee sucked ass. Extremely. The cabin was beautiful and can be viewed under covemountain.com as Sweet Dreams.
We decorated and bought furniture and all the rest of the stuff needed to complete it. My stepdad and brother irritated the crap out of my mom and I by not letting us have an opinion about anything. They knew everything about decorating and we knew nothing. Their male chauvenistic ways were completely exposed for those two weeks. After they had made up their mind on what they were going to do or buy they then asked my mom's opinion which thus made it moot because they had already agreed on something without discussing it with my mom. They never bothered to ask my advice or opinion on anything. I was treated as damn near invisible so I took on that role and secluded myself in my room up there as I do here. Not a big change except the way they treat me was more clear up there. I was pissed and wanted so much for it to be over with quickly and to get back home where at least I could drive away from them and get away. Being stuck and cramped with people who don't appreciate you or respect you gets very old very quickly. I did manage to write quite a bit which I am happy of. I wrote 6 poems and a good intro to a story I started working on up there. I also went ahead with my schoolwork so I kept myself occupied. A lot more happened but that can be kept within me. Not everything needs to be said but this just skims the surface of all that went on and the emotions flying around like mad.
My stepdad did surprise me by not drinking any alcohol or beer up there as a statement for my brother who was messed up on coke during our lovely trip up to Tennessee. I was very proud of my stepdad for making that effort. My brother grew more and more on my nerves with each day as I realized that he was doing things on purpse to irritate me such as slamming the door at 7 am when I was trying to sleep (the bathroom was built into my room which he had to go through to get to) or he'd turn off my ceiling fan in the morning for no reason, he'd start cooking dinner and then ask me if I could handle finishing it while he sat on his ass or smkoed a cigarete (that happened more than once). I don't mind helping him but when he expects me to just do something that he offered to do and then make it out like he did everything just really gets under my skin. Again, those are just a few occurences that took place with him. The trip back was hell on wheels. My stepdad got pissed when I wanted to stop to get a quick bite to eat since I hadn't had anything in the past six hours due to everything being packed up, but then it was okay for him to stop and go to the bathroom. Needless to say it turned into a huge thing where there was silence the entire 14 or so hours back and when my mom and him did talk it wasn't just talking, it was him yelling at her in public and her getting pissed at that and yelling back. I cried a good half of the time with my face pressed up to the window staring out at the dark sky with my music helping to soothe me and wishing I could have been anywhere than there.
An hour after returning everyones nerves were nearly snapped in two due to the tension comoing home and being tired. My mom and I were trying our best to stay to ourselves and not say anything because we knew it was not the time. My brother was still making comments which were the equivalent to daggers shooting at me. All were constant digs at me but I just sucked it up and went to my room to try and breathe. In the meantime he was ranting to my mom about how I was pretty much acting like a bitch to him for no reason and that if I kicked him in his nuts one more time he was going to "put a bruise" on me so hard that I could never "lift my leg again" and my mom told him that he would not touch me and he got pissed that she was defending me so she came and got me to "talk" -famous last words- and I knew something big was coming. With my brother, it's always something big. So basically what I walked into was my brother just pacing and looking like his head was going to explode any second, his face was bright red and I could see that out to kill look in his eyes that he is known for though I saw no reason for him to feel that way towards me. All I had been trying to do was be invisible, but alas, my efforts are never good enough. My mom took control of the situation since my brother was not going to talk about what was on his mind so she then asked me if I had "kicked him in the nuts" and then my fuse was pretty much near the end. I got pissed. He was irate because I kicked him in the nuts to get him to leave me alone after him punching me to where I would wince from the pain and have bruises that stayed for weeks or constantly being up in my face whenI was trying to relax or just mind my own business and after numerous times of asking, then telling him to stop and leave me alone he still didn't and the best way I knew how to get him to get the hint was to kick him where I knew he would feel it and back off. He continued to get more and more pissed as he made more threats about hitting me to where I would never walk again and shit like that and my mom kept telling him that he would not touch me. He started cursing me out which he had never done before so I thus sent it right back to him. I don't take that kind of crap from anyone else I sure as hell wasn't going to take it from my brother and if only others could have been there to see what he said to me. . . People have know idea what I put up with. But I don't have to put up with him anymore. He hadn't unpacked his bags yet so he then loaded them into his truck and after a series of bullshits from his mouth, more cussing me out and harsh words and shit thrown to me to hurt me which it so completely did and punching walls and anything he could and being told to calm down by my stepdad he squealed out of our driveway and left me a wreck. Yes, I'm not ashamed to admit that I was totally and utterly destroyed and heartbroken. The brother whom I always defended and tried to make excuses for, how I was the only one that stood up for him and still tried to listen to his lies and try to help him through his problems, after so much that I have tried to do for him to help him through whatever it was, how I lied to my parents for him because he asked me to, after all of that . . . I learn that he can't stand me. That I have everything he should have. That pretty much he would be happy if I never existed. . .
How could I not be destroyed. Those are devastating words to hear from anyone. Let alone my own brother. When I was the only one from all his friends and family to not turn his back on him. I cried more than I ever have before. I screamed and I yelled and I felt so. . . worthless. Though I knew it was more that I was his excuse to leave which he always does. He always leaves after a big fight which he always starts and overdramatizes. It's ridiculous and for the first time. . . I was his target. What upset me the most was that I knew he would use me as anexcuse to go out that nightand the nights ahead to get coked up and blame me for all of his problems. It hurts so much that no one can have any idea of unless they have experienced something similar. I don't see how too many people have really that this experience though. It sucks. I still cry from it even though it's been almost a month. As bad as it is to say, he is dead to me. The brother and person that I always saw in him I now realize was just an optimistic illusion that I created because I wanted to see the good in him. I didn't want to accept the person he has become. If one can even call him a person. Now, I feel nothing but disgust for him. I am ashamed to call him my brother, so I don't. At this point I want nothing to do with him. He has used and abused so many chances and opportunities at a good, decent, clean life that he pretends he wants when I now see that is just another lie to us to wiggle his way in and get all he can from us or use us in some way. And that's not an exaggeration or something I am saying out of anger or resentment. It is how it is. Everyone knows it and sees him for what he truly is. My mom can play the game with him. I can't. Not anymore. Maybe it is juvenile to not want anything to do with him but I am tired of getting hurt when all I do is try to be the good person. It gets me no where and I am done with putting people before me. All I've ever gotten was shit on when I've tried to help people. Other than my friends. Well, most of them anyway. I'm just tired of it all. Tired of feeling this way and being hurt by the people I care the most about.
I want my adult life to start. I want to be able to start over and be the person I am that can't be in the situation I am in. I feel stifled and repressed because of everyone's expectations. My whole family is a work of art that's for sure. . . I feel like I am drowning here. I so badly want to get out on my own and spread my wings and turn into the butterfly that is inside me instead of being the ugly caterpillar that never gets the appreciation or respect I deserve. But it doesn't matter. Soon, I will be out on my own. Starting my own life and I will have the control to not associate with those I want nothing to do with. I just hope that there are better days ahead for me and when I am in control of my life, that I can be in control of my feelings too. I want to not feel this way anymore. I stay up at night and sleep during the dayt so as not to have to deal with anyone. It's the cowards way out but it is my coping mechanism for the present. At least until I can stand on my own two feet and not want to run and hide. I feel that this year has been such a waste. I don't feel I have accomplished anything to be proud of other than still being alive and not hurting people as they have hurt me. This year was supposed to be my best. My senior year. And it has been my worst. A good part is due to myself and shrinking away, withdrawing into myself as I do when things get really bad. I'm tired of being alone in myself. I'm tired of living the wallflower life. And I am working hard at trying to build myself back up to where I can face the world and feel that I am worthy enough to feel the sunlight on my face. It's really quite difficult to wake up and face the day when I am made to feel I am inferior and not worthy of anything. That I am just in the way and taking up space and air and that everyone would be better off if I were not around. Yes. I have been told that to my face in roughly the same words and have been made to feel that way every single day by my stepfather. He is getting better though. At least with me. He is treating me like an actual human being for once and tells me about his day instead of just coming in to announce that he's home and giving me a stiff hug for show so that if asked he can tell my mom that he's a good father because he hugged me. That has happened numerous time too. Things with him are better though he is still drinking beer everyday which is still a lot better than his hard alcohol. I am still waiting for the next shoe to drop with him. It has always happened in the past. He is fine for a few months or weeks and then it's back to all hell breaking lose. It is really nice though to not be made to feel that i am inhis way or that he'd be happier if I were completely out of the picture. And as another instance- he even gets pissed when my mom spends time with me telling me about her day instead of him - yeah. it's stupid. but she's dealing with it and so am I. for her and for my sanity. I guess now would be a good time to end this entry before it becomes a novel. Yeah.
And this has been my life for the past month or so. Sorry for the extreme emoishness in this entry but these are my feelings and that is what a journal is about right? to rant and rave. Anyway. I will go now.
Much love <3 <3 <3
The two weeks in Tennessee sucked ass. Extremely. The cabin was beautiful and can be viewed under covemountain.com as Sweet Dreams.
We decorated and bought furniture and all the rest of the stuff needed to complete it. My stepdad and brother irritated the crap out of my mom and I by not letting us have an opinion about anything. They knew everything about decorating and we knew nothing. Their male chauvenistic ways were completely exposed for those two weeks. After they had made up their mind on what they were going to do or buy they then asked my mom's opinion which thus made it moot because they had already agreed on something without discussing it with my mom. They never bothered to ask my advice or opinion on anything. I was treated as damn near invisible so I took on that role and secluded myself in my room up there as I do here. Not a big change except the way they treat me was more clear up there. I was pissed and wanted so much for it to be over with quickly and to get back home where at least I could drive away from them and get away. Being stuck and cramped with people who don't appreciate you or respect you gets very old very quickly. I did manage to write quite a bit which I am happy of. I wrote 6 poems and a good intro to a story I started working on up there. I also went ahead with my schoolwork so I kept myself occupied. A lot more happened but that can be kept within me. Not everything needs to be said but this just skims the surface of all that went on and the emotions flying around like mad.
My stepdad did surprise me by not drinking any alcohol or beer up there as a statement for my brother who was messed up on coke during our lovely trip up to Tennessee. I was very proud of my stepdad for making that effort. My brother grew more and more on my nerves with each day as I realized that he was doing things on purpse to irritate me such as slamming the door at 7 am when I was trying to sleep (the bathroom was built into my room which he had to go through to get to) or he'd turn off my ceiling fan in the morning for no reason, he'd start cooking dinner and then ask me if I could handle finishing it while he sat on his ass or smkoed a cigarete (that happened more than once). I don't mind helping him but when he expects me to just do something that he offered to do and then make it out like he did everything just really gets under my skin. Again, those are just a few occurences that took place with him. The trip back was hell on wheels. My stepdad got pissed when I wanted to stop to get a quick bite to eat since I hadn't had anything in the past six hours due to everything being packed up, but then it was okay for him to stop and go to the bathroom. Needless to say it turned into a huge thing where there was silence the entire 14 or so hours back and when my mom and him did talk it wasn't just talking, it was him yelling at her in public and her getting pissed at that and yelling back. I cried a good half of the time with my face pressed up to the window staring out at the dark sky with my music helping to soothe me and wishing I could have been anywhere than there.
An hour after returning everyones nerves were nearly snapped in two due to the tension comoing home and being tired. My mom and I were trying our best to stay to ourselves and not say anything because we knew it was not the time. My brother was still making comments which were the equivalent to daggers shooting at me. All were constant digs at me but I just sucked it up and went to my room to try and breathe. In the meantime he was ranting to my mom about how I was pretty much acting like a bitch to him for no reason and that if I kicked him in his nuts one more time he was going to "put a bruise" on me so hard that I could never "lift my leg again" and my mom told him that he would not touch me and he got pissed that she was defending me so she came and got me to "talk" -famous last words- and I knew something big was coming. With my brother, it's always something big. So basically what I walked into was my brother just pacing and looking like his head was going to explode any second, his face was bright red and I could see that out to kill look in his eyes that he is known for though I saw no reason for him to feel that way towards me. All I had been trying to do was be invisible, but alas, my efforts are never good enough. My mom took control of the situation since my brother was not going to talk about what was on his mind so she then asked me if I had "kicked him in the nuts" and then my fuse was pretty much near the end. I got pissed. He was irate because I kicked him in the nuts to get him to leave me alone after him punching me to where I would wince from the pain and have bruises that stayed for weeks or constantly being up in my face whenI was trying to relax or just mind my own business and after numerous times of asking, then telling him to stop and leave me alone he still didn't and the best way I knew how to get him to get the hint was to kick him where I knew he would feel it and back off. He continued to get more and more pissed as he made more threats about hitting me to where I would never walk again and shit like that and my mom kept telling him that he would not touch me. He started cursing me out which he had never done before so I thus sent it right back to him. I don't take that kind of crap from anyone else I sure as hell wasn't going to take it from my brother and if only others could have been there to see what he said to me. . . People have know idea what I put up with. But I don't have to put up with him anymore. He hadn't unpacked his bags yet so he then loaded them into his truck and after a series of bullshits from his mouth, more cussing me out and harsh words and shit thrown to me to hurt me which it so completely did and punching walls and anything he could and being told to calm down by my stepdad he squealed out of our driveway and left me a wreck. Yes, I'm not ashamed to admit that I was totally and utterly destroyed and heartbroken. The brother whom I always defended and tried to make excuses for, how I was the only one that stood up for him and still tried to listen to his lies and try to help him through his problems, after so much that I have tried to do for him to help him through whatever it was, how I lied to my parents for him because he asked me to, after all of that . . . I learn that he can't stand me. That I have everything he should have. That pretty much he would be happy if I never existed. . .
How could I not be destroyed. Those are devastating words to hear from anyone. Let alone my own brother. When I was the only one from all his friends and family to not turn his back on him. I cried more than I ever have before. I screamed and I yelled and I felt so. . . worthless. Though I knew it was more that I was his excuse to leave which he always does. He always leaves after a big fight which he always starts and overdramatizes. It's ridiculous and for the first time. . . I was his target. What upset me the most was that I knew he would use me as anexcuse to go out that nightand the nights ahead to get coked up and blame me for all of his problems. It hurts so much that no one can have any idea of unless they have experienced something similar. I don't see how too many people have really that this experience though. It sucks. I still cry from it even though it's been almost a month. As bad as it is to say, he is dead to me. The brother and person that I always saw in him I now realize was just an optimistic illusion that I created because I wanted to see the good in him. I didn't want to accept the person he has become. If one can even call him a person. Now, I feel nothing but disgust for him. I am ashamed to call him my brother, so I don't. At this point I want nothing to do with him. He has used and abused so many chances and opportunities at a good, decent, clean life that he pretends he wants when I now see that is just another lie to us to wiggle his way in and get all he can from us or use us in some way. And that's not an exaggeration or something I am saying out of anger or resentment. It is how it is. Everyone knows it and sees him for what he truly is. My mom can play the game with him. I can't. Not anymore. Maybe it is juvenile to not want anything to do with him but I am tired of getting hurt when all I do is try to be the good person. It gets me no where and I am done with putting people before me. All I've ever gotten was shit on when I've tried to help people. Other than my friends. Well, most of them anyway. I'm just tired of it all. Tired of feeling this way and being hurt by the people I care the most about.
I want my adult life to start. I want to be able to start over and be the person I am that can't be in the situation I am in. I feel stifled and repressed because of everyone's expectations. My whole family is a work of art that's for sure. . . I feel like I am drowning here. I so badly want to get out on my own and spread my wings and turn into the butterfly that is inside me instead of being the ugly caterpillar that never gets the appreciation or respect I deserve. But it doesn't matter. Soon, I will be out on my own. Starting my own life and I will have the control to not associate with those I want nothing to do with. I just hope that there are better days ahead for me and when I am in control of my life, that I can be in control of my feelings too. I want to not feel this way anymore. I stay up at night and sleep during the dayt so as not to have to deal with anyone. It's the cowards way out but it is my coping mechanism for the present. At least until I can stand on my own two feet and not want to run and hide. I feel that this year has been such a waste. I don't feel I have accomplished anything to be proud of other than still being alive and not hurting people as they have hurt me. This year was supposed to be my best. My senior year. And it has been my worst. A good part is due to myself and shrinking away, withdrawing into myself as I do when things get really bad. I'm tired of being alone in myself. I'm tired of living the wallflower life. And I am working hard at trying to build myself back up to where I can face the world and feel that I am worthy enough to feel the sunlight on my face. It's really quite difficult to wake up and face the day when I am made to feel I am inferior and not worthy of anything. That I am just in the way and taking up space and air and that everyone would be better off if I were not around. Yes. I have been told that to my face in roughly the same words and have been made to feel that way every single day by my stepfather. He is getting better though. At least with me. He is treating me like an actual human being for once and tells me about his day instead of just coming in to announce that he's home and giving me a stiff hug for show so that if asked he can tell my mom that he's a good father because he hugged me. That has happened numerous time too. Things with him are better though he is still drinking beer everyday which is still a lot better than his hard alcohol. I am still waiting for the next shoe to drop with him. It has always happened in the past. He is fine for a few months or weeks and then it's back to all hell breaking lose. It is really nice though to not be made to feel that i am inhis way or that he'd be happier if I were completely out of the picture. And as another instance- he even gets pissed when my mom spends time with me telling me about her day instead of him - yeah. it's stupid. but she's dealing with it and so am I. for her and for my sanity. I guess now would be a good time to end this entry before it becomes a novel. Yeah.
And this has been my life for the past month or so. Sorry for the extreme emoishness in this entry but these are my feelings and that is what a journal is about right? to rant and rave. Anyway. I will go now.
Much love <3 <3 <3