It's good to be back
I love being around Livejournal again. I was reading back and realising how much bigger it all is than Facebook. I can't possibly express myself over there. The audience is too large and the space for expression is too small. And whether anyone hears you depends on algorithms that I don't quite understand.
Steve said something interesting to me last month. He said that he's not sure he wants to have kids. He was always the guy who said he did, but just didn't push. I always had in my mind that I was the one dragging my feet, and if we didn't have kids it was my "fault." Initially I was kind of upset at the comment. I worried that perhaps he was second-guessing me. That without kids it might be easier for him to leave. But you know what? In May we'll celebrate 10 years of marriage. He's not going anywhere. We're happy. And we just might be happier without kids. We haven't ruled it out. It could happen, and if it does I'm sure we'd cope. But it might not, and if that's the outcome it's going to be OK with him, which alleviates a lot of guilt. I feel lighter. I feel like I can just enjoy things without worrying about a schedule or a timeline. I feel like I can make plans without worrying about what might be around the corner.
I haven't told anyone that outside our relationship. It's funny. I like to say I live my life as an open book, but I think I'm a bit more private than I might like to admit even to myself. Perhaps that's why I'm so incensed that my parents are getting up in arms about a fairly harmless Facebook post. Because if they don't trust me to censor myself when it's appropriate, then they don't really know me at all.
I'm feeling very distanced from them right now. Like I don't want to be indebted to them. I've got Steve planning to take a day off work next time I need to go to the ophthalmologist. Mum usually drives me, but I don't want her to. I don't want them to do anything for me at all.
Steve said something interesting to me last month. He said that he's not sure he wants to have kids. He was always the guy who said he did, but just didn't push. I always had in my mind that I was the one dragging my feet, and if we didn't have kids it was my "fault." Initially I was kind of upset at the comment. I worried that perhaps he was second-guessing me. That without kids it might be easier for him to leave. But you know what? In May we'll celebrate 10 years of marriage. He's not going anywhere. We're happy. And we just might be happier without kids. We haven't ruled it out. It could happen, and if it does I'm sure we'd cope. But it might not, and if that's the outcome it's going to be OK with him, which alleviates a lot of guilt. I feel lighter. I feel like I can just enjoy things without worrying about a schedule or a timeline. I feel like I can make plans without worrying about what might be around the corner.
I haven't told anyone that outside our relationship. It's funny. I like to say I live my life as an open book, but I think I'm a bit more private than I might like to admit even to myself. Perhaps that's why I'm so incensed that my parents are getting up in arms about a fairly harmless Facebook post. Because if they don't trust me to censor myself when it's appropriate, then they don't really know me at all.
I'm feeling very distanced from them right now. Like I don't want to be indebted to them. I've got Steve planning to take a day off work next time I need to go to the ophthalmologist. Mum usually drives me, but I don't want her to. I don't want them to do anything for me at all.