In other news
R found his birth mother this week.
His (adopted) mother, who passed away over a year ago, never wanted to tell him anything about his birth mother. She got very defensive and hostile at the thought of his curiosity.
His father finally found the records of the adoption, hospital bills, lawyer accounts, everything. (Of course he never threw them out, he still has every piece of paper he ever acquired.) He turned them over to R, but told him not to do anything with them, not to stir up any trouble.
But armed with her name, her father's name and the name of the hospital where he was born, he found her. On Classmates.com, of all places. He sent a very generic email -- my name is so and so, looking for so and so, daughter of, high school this year -- and got a very warm and enthusiastic response.
She knew exactly who he was, even said she had thought of getting in contact over the years, but was discouraged by the attorney who had arranged the adoption. She lives about two hours away, is divorced, likes to garage sale and collect antiques (!). She sent pictures, showing where R got his forehead, eyes and wild hair. And he has a brother. She has encouraged him to ask her anything he wants to know.
I could not be more thrilled for him. From my point of view (cold-hearted bitch that I am) he can only win here. If his relatives aren't wonderful people that will enrich our lives, then to hell with them, we don't owe them anything. I might be burdened by the occasional awful uncle, or poorly brought up cousin, but he has no relationship to these people other than what he wants it to be. He is who he is and who they are does not inform that unless he wants it to.
Of course, that works both ways. He is concerned about how his mother and brother might feel about him being on probation and on the sex offender registry. How does one tell one's mother that one is a sex offender? Is that covered in Emily Post?
His (adopted) mother, who passed away over a year ago, never wanted to tell him anything about his birth mother. She got very defensive and hostile at the thought of his curiosity.
His father finally found the records of the adoption, hospital bills, lawyer accounts, everything. (Of course he never threw them out, he still has every piece of paper he ever acquired.) He turned them over to R, but told him not to do anything with them, not to stir up any trouble.
But armed with her name, her father's name and the name of the hospital where he was born, he found her. On Classmates.com, of all places. He sent a very generic email -- my name is so and so, looking for so and so, daughter of, high school this year -- and got a very warm and enthusiastic response.
She knew exactly who he was, even said she had thought of getting in contact over the years, but was discouraged by the attorney who had arranged the adoption. She lives about two hours away, is divorced, likes to garage sale and collect antiques (!). She sent pictures, showing where R got his forehead, eyes and wild hair. And he has a brother. She has encouraged him to ask her anything he wants to know.
I could not be more thrilled for him. From my point of view (cold-hearted bitch that I am) he can only win here. If his relatives aren't wonderful people that will enrich our lives, then to hell with them, we don't owe them anything. I might be burdened by the occasional awful uncle, or poorly brought up cousin, but he has no relationship to these people other than what he wants it to be. He is who he is and who they are does not inform that unless he wants it to.
Of course, that works both ways. He is concerned about how his mother and brother might feel about him being on probation and on the sex offender registry. How does one tell one's mother that one is a sex offender? Is that covered in Emily Post?