One Door closes?
One door closes, a thousand dorrs open...Now choose.
I chose a door. I chose the right door. I didn't know that i would going through such a battle along the way. These past few weeks have been hard, really really hard. The last week alone all I've been able to do is cry. Today i woke up and it was the first morning i didn't just start breaking down. Last night when i went to youth i knew God would speak to me. Today is a better day. I know that God has faith in me that i will make it through this.
That doesn't change the fact that it's been rough. I've barley seen Kasey the last two weeks. The last week alone I've seen him once or twice, and he was sick most of it. Not his fault. He was pitiful anyways. I played with his hair and watched him sleep for five hours Tuesday. I'm hoping that what i thought i saw most of last week was all in my head. Not saying i wasn't upset. The weekend it was rough. To me it was like he was #1 mad at me, #2 didn't want to talk or see me, #3 had changed his mind and was distancing himself from me. I thought maybe i had said or done something wrong. Tuesday i was on the phone with Arialle for and hour and a half just crying about all of it. Maybe what i had said in that letter freaked him out. I used the 'needed you' and Arialle said that was a big mistake. Maybe so, but why am i supposed to hide how i feel? Life is too short to tiptoe around words and feelings. Well if she is right and he has changed his mind, then i'll have to deal with it. I've made it this far, right?
I love him so much and i don't ever want to do anything that's going make him uncomfortable. Whatever it is I'm not going to worry about it anymore. I'll let him bring it up and tell me if he wants, just go with the flow, right? I worte this big long letter to him, but i'm not going to give it to him. I think me being so emotional is what the problem is anyways. So i'm just going to back off, act normal, and stop letting every 'what if' fly thorugh my head. I just wonder if he still cares or if me being so crazy these last few weeks is what scared him away from me. Maybe he didn't mean what he said. I know he was busy last week and this weekend, but i know something had to have happened. Last Thursday when i anwsered the phone might have been it. He has to know that he is my past, a part of a very long horrible past. He'll never be a part of my life again. He is nothing to me now but a bunch of bad memories and pain. I will never go back to him.
I love Kasey, he is the only one i want, he is everything i dreamed of and more. With him everything feels, is right. I'm not perfect, i know that, but i will try the best i can never to hurt him. I'm afraid it's like Arialle said though, fight or flight, hurt them before you get hurt. Like Sunday. I swear he didn't talk to me or barely look at me for the first hour. He wasn't excited to see me even though we hadn't saw each other in three days. He started to snap out of it after i started to get upset, but it just felt weird. I wonder if he's missed me, if he still feels the same about me. If i've done something to royally screw all this up. I don't know. I talked to him thismorning and it was the first us/normal conversation we've had in over a week.
Maybe this wouldn't have felt so horrible if i hadn't been going through what i have been. If i haven't been feeling like my chest is going to explode every five minutes. And maybe Kasey didn't want to deal with me while i've been like this, which is fine, it's not like I'm his responsiblity, but he just seemed to be acting against everything he's ever said to me. He has always been there for me before, i felt like a bother this time.
It's ok though. I'll never push him for something like this. It's my problems and i can handle it. I'm doing better today anyways. I just can't get last Wednesday out of my mind though. I had the most amazing night at his church, then we went back to his house to get my glasses. He held me on his back on the way in the house, grabbing the glasses, then out the door again. He sat me down on the groung and the stars were the most beautiful i've ever seen them above us. He held me close and kissed me. And i just looked at him and told him i loved him. I t was perfect. The way he had his arm around me the whole night at church too. The way he looked at me when we were talking about God's love in the lesson that night. The way he whispered, "What's you love language?" in my ear. I don't understand what changed it cause after Wednesday he didn't look at me like that again. And this could eaily be all in my head and in reality there is nothing wrong at all.
I'm hoping that's all it is...
I chose a door. I chose the right door. I didn't know that i would going through such a battle along the way. These past few weeks have been hard, really really hard. The last week alone all I've been able to do is cry. Today i woke up and it was the first morning i didn't just start breaking down. Last night when i went to youth i knew God would speak to me. Today is a better day. I know that God has faith in me that i will make it through this.
That doesn't change the fact that it's been rough. I've barley seen Kasey the last two weeks. The last week alone I've seen him once or twice, and he was sick most of it. Not his fault. He was pitiful anyways. I played with his hair and watched him sleep for five hours Tuesday. I'm hoping that what i thought i saw most of last week was all in my head. Not saying i wasn't upset. The weekend it was rough. To me it was like he was #1 mad at me, #2 didn't want to talk or see me, #3 had changed his mind and was distancing himself from me. I thought maybe i had said or done something wrong. Tuesday i was on the phone with Arialle for and hour and a half just crying about all of it. Maybe what i had said in that letter freaked him out. I used the 'needed you' and Arialle said that was a big mistake. Maybe so, but why am i supposed to hide how i feel? Life is too short to tiptoe around words and feelings. Well if she is right and he has changed his mind, then i'll have to deal with it. I've made it this far, right?
I love him so much and i don't ever want to do anything that's going make him uncomfortable. Whatever it is I'm not going to worry about it anymore. I'll let him bring it up and tell me if he wants, just go with the flow, right? I worte this big long letter to him, but i'm not going to give it to him. I think me being so emotional is what the problem is anyways. So i'm just going to back off, act normal, and stop letting every 'what if' fly thorugh my head. I just wonder if he still cares or if me being so crazy these last few weeks is what scared him away from me. Maybe he didn't mean what he said. I know he was busy last week and this weekend, but i know something had to have happened. Last Thursday when i anwsered the phone might have been it. He has to know that he is my past, a part of a very long horrible past. He'll never be a part of my life again. He is nothing to me now but a bunch of bad memories and pain. I will never go back to him.
I love Kasey, he is the only one i want, he is everything i dreamed of and more. With him everything feels, is right. I'm not perfect, i know that, but i will try the best i can never to hurt him. I'm afraid it's like Arialle said though, fight or flight, hurt them before you get hurt. Like Sunday. I swear he didn't talk to me or barely look at me for the first hour. He wasn't excited to see me even though we hadn't saw each other in three days. He started to snap out of it after i started to get upset, but it just felt weird. I wonder if he's missed me, if he still feels the same about me. If i've done something to royally screw all this up. I don't know. I talked to him thismorning and it was the first us/normal conversation we've had in over a week.
Maybe this wouldn't have felt so horrible if i hadn't been going through what i have been. If i haven't been feeling like my chest is going to explode every five minutes. And maybe Kasey didn't want to deal with me while i've been like this, which is fine, it's not like I'm his responsiblity, but he just seemed to be acting against everything he's ever said to me. He has always been there for me before, i felt like a bother this time.
It's ok though. I'll never push him for something like this. It's my problems and i can handle it. I'm doing better today anyways. I just can't get last Wednesday out of my mind though. I had the most amazing night at his church, then we went back to his house to get my glasses. He held me on his back on the way in the house, grabbing the glasses, then out the door again. He sat me down on the groung and the stars were the most beautiful i've ever seen them above us. He held me close and kissed me. And i just looked at him and told him i loved him. I t was perfect. The way he had his arm around me the whole night at church too. The way he looked at me when we were talking about God's love in the lesson that night. The way he whispered, "What's you love language?" in my ear. I don't understand what changed it cause after Wednesday he didn't look at me like that again. And this could eaily be all in my head and in reality there is nothing wrong at all.
I'm hoping that's all it is...