been thinking...

[purple49erfan]

i have been thinking about a lot of stuff lately. stuff that has happened in the past year. stuff that has happened since my birthday of last year. i think that is when my life actually started going down hill for me. it really has. i have lost so much in this entire time. and nothing i have gained back. from friends to family and misc. things. i have lost so much. and i wonder what did i do so wrong in my life to have lost so much. i have nothing in cruces anymore. i cant go back to socorro. where else do i go. what else do i do to not feel so alone. this summer i contemplated so much and stuff is still happening until this day. it is like life will not work with me. i cant help it. i do think about what i have lost. i miss everything and everyone that i have lost. i do alot. but i guess i can say thats life or can i? i always ask myself the same question. what is so wrong with me. i have to question it. why cant i ever keep a friend. why does all this bad stuff happen to me. why does everyone hate me when they do not even know me. why is work beginning to suck. why... why... why... there is this empty space in my heart that i have not been able to feel the void. when did the void come.. why am i not able to fill it. i know all this is negative thoughts comin my way. but they are just questions that i have. will i ever come up with the answer to my question of why am i such a bad person. maybe maybe not.
all i know is that i had such bad thoughts about actions this past summer. about myself. i could not take it. i am not sure how i got out of it. or if i even got out of them. my thoughts scared me. i just wanted to go away. i wanted to rid myself of it all. these thoughts come back to haunt me sometimes. b/c i still think of them. i do not want to deal with this pain. it is getting harder and harder to deal with... what is to come of me? will i be here in the next few months or even years to answer this question...hm...