(no subject)
i dont feel intelligent tonight, but i dont care. i feel stupid and slow and emotional and weak and i sort of love it right now. i dont know why, maybe i dont feel like anything, maybe im just confused. i dont really care right now, im still excited. changing the subject, an apollogy to all viewers that read my last entry, im dissapointed in myself, i dislike showing my worst side, people say i sound depressed in most of my stuff, they dont know me, im close to never REALLY depressed and when i am i live for it, its when im depressed when my writing sounds most like real art or poetry. i want to meet my old friends from texas and carolina and titusville, i just want to reminisce, or however you spell that. i have no intentions of showing off, i just want to remember things, i cant remember stuff that happened just in 8th grade, damn im having a hard problem remembering a lot of things. i was reminded of when i was a real bad person, i was new to being cool and apparently attractive which is awesome, i think it was just my jump from none to a lot of self confidence. i had never been attractive in any way before, i was afraid before then, afraid of rejection, physical and emotional pain. i didnt know what i was really doing, so i went from girl to girl and back again, i was so terrible to people, i didnt think before i asked people out, good example was starleigh, we just werent meant for each other, she was too nice of a person for what i did. joelle and i worked well for a bit, at least i thought it did, but i, once again, mistreated her, as i said before i have not been a good person my whole life. i was quiet and innocent before then and im loud and moralfull now, at least at times i am. i think i have more control. aaaah i have to go, i wish i didnt but i do, sad eh? HA i hope ive changed for the better...fuck that i have, fuck yall, i dislike people who tell me im loved, no offense thats just not what i need to hear when i write something like that, didnt read the left alone part eh? just foolin with you guys, just please never pity me or feel like you need to accomodate to my sadness, i appreciate most of yalls existence though. i just deleted the next two sentences, ha, i love doing that. although i rarely do. suspend.