(no subject)
i hate my past, im ashamed of it, im ashamed of how i was hit so often and yet i gained no real intelligence or awareness until age 16, when i could no longer be beaten, im too strong for that now. im so sad right now, maybe its just the chemical imbalance, but im so severly depressed now, im sure its not the real thing, caused by anything specific. i just want to go back in time and meet me at ages 9-14, anytime then and just show myself the man im becoming and show myself i have nothing to worry about, i wont suffer for much longer, hug him, tell him everything is alright. i want to show him the truth about his father, i want him to know he isnt as loved and wanted as he thought, i dont want him to be so clearly fooled as i was for so long. i miss something. i think its this feeling i used to get when i was filling up a tub, the hot air and the sound of rushing waters, it calmed me and made me feel warm inside and out. somewhere down the line that changed, i want that feeling back! I WANT TO BE WITH MY DAD, I WANT TO FIND LOVE, I WANT TO BE SO FUCKING PERFECT THAT I CEASE TO EXIST!!!!!!!I WANT P E A C E! and most of all i want silence. i want to be left alone for so long that people dont remember me when i return, i dont want to be rediscovered.