(no subject)
its been awhile viewer. i can still be a jerk, especially when im thinking ive finally stopped being the asshole ive been before. oh well, im learning i guess. im tired, my throat aches, i still feel jittery and nervous when i think of the battle anastasia knows what i mean. i had this huge great idea of an entry to make while i was mowing the lawn...as always, and i just never got back into that mood after finally finishing. its really too bad we have so many powerfull people on the planet that think that they are better than hitler because they want to perfect it, perfectly safe, perfectly attractive, balanced, equal, beautiful. and they may not know it, but i dont want to live in hell just yet. true hell is perfection. boring, nothing spontaneous, perfection in every meaning the word has. oh i could be wrong, maybe by trying to perfect the world more than just myself notices where we are going, and they will protest, they will rage for imperfection in every way possible, maybe even destroy what we have so far. im tired of hearing people say, after complaining about their current situation, "well, then again, i could be one of those little africans starving." no offence to the one who brought it to my attention, but you ARENT an african, well not in africa at least. and nobody looks at their life and says this is the worst thing to ever exist and everyone knows it, unless they intend to kill themselves afterwards. they are rarely the ones deserving of suicide. they havent seen real pain. back to the original topic, even the little africans probably say, at least im alive. everyone grows into their environment and situation, its one thing that seperates us from many animals, they cant accomodate themselves to any new surroundings. i may, yet again, be wrong.we need more jerks in this world. were running out of bad guys, and the less bad guys the more good guys and when there are no more bad guys then who is good? you cant have one without the polar opposite. maybe i just justify people and their actions so i tell myself what they did to me was not their fault, they werent thinking. so therefore they would not be a bad guy, they would be a normal person. and the more normal people i think i see the less truely good people i see, i get them confused. aaah my brain. im having a bad a.d.d. week. it feels like the medicine isnt working, the more i try to focus the less i actually can even hear the person. im tired. i want a good nights rest. sometimes i dont realize how much of my life is affected by my add. i see people listening, writing things down in class, and i feel like im helpless, i cant do anything right. i have no control of what my brain shows me, pictures of things that terrified me as a child, like that buffy the vampire slayer episode with the guys that floated around off the ground slightly, wearing suits, looking like dry corpses with smiles on their faces. my dreams are louder lately. a room of nothing but a pool filled with swimmers and sharks amongst them. someone talking to me very close, i can only see the left side of the pool from an angle. he/she is saying something to me, their mouth moves they make noise but i hear nothing but buzzing. i hate the buzzing i hear in my dreams, makes them more like nightmares when i think of it later. and i want to help the people in the pool, but i cant move, the jerk in front of me blocks my way and for some reason i dont want to walk around this person. eventually there are no people left in the pool, just red water and the black and white world that surrounds it. i hear mumbeling and i wake up. im tired of not really resting at night. im terrified of the future i think america is digging itself down to.