(no subject)
I'm afraid to get hurt and yet I set myself up to be let down. I pride myself on having good morals and then I turn and throw them out the window when I feel like I will lose someones attention. It's wrong and it's taken me a while realize why I do it but, I fear that my personality is not enough to keep a guy. I practically throw myself at them in hopes that they will come back around again. The truth in doing this though is that no one respects me and all they come back for is my body, not me. I end up hurting myself more than they could ever do on their own.
I have so many secrets pent up inside of me, things that i have done that I now have to hide. They build up and although I do a great job of hiding them from everyone else, slowly they break me down. One secret was released today, that my coach is pregnant. It was a small secret but it still added to my pile, now the load seems a little easier to bear. Still the deeper secrets haunt me at times. There is no one to talk to about these either other than the individuals who committed them with me. In the moment my head knew it was completely wrong on all accounts but I couldn't tell myself no because it was positive attention. It's almost like I get a boost from, "winning" it's like haha I got your man, I'm more attractive...all it does is make me feel even more disgusting inside. I stab friends in the back worse than mine have done to me. I feel guilt but only slightly, as long as no one finds out I will be ok.
I have so many secrets pent up inside of me, things that i have done that I now have to hide. They build up and although I do a great job of hiding them from everyone else, slowly they break me down. One secret was released today, that my coach is pregnant. It was a small secret but it still added to my pile, now the load seems a little easier to bear. Still the deeper secrets haunt me at times. There is no one to talk to about these either other than the individuals who committed them with me. In the moment my head knew it was completely wrong on all accounts but I couldn't tell myself no because it was positive attention. It's almost like I get a boost from, "winning" it's like haha I got your man, I'm more attractive...all it does is make me feel even more disgusting inside. I stab friends in the back worse than mine have done to me. I feel guilt but only slightly, as long as no one finds out I will be ok.