Beginning of the End
"It's the beginning of the end
And I know that I am all alone"
-Spineshank 'Beginning of the End'
In a nutshell, today has truly made me realize that my time left at WAC is limited. I went to pick up a paper my professor graded in my Psych Dept. mailbox and I had a present and a card from one of my professors congratulating me and thanking me for helping her out this year. Then two hours later at the Peer Mentor ceremony-esque thing, one of the Juniors wrote a speech for me. It was the sweetest thing I've ever heard. It kind of put me into a reality check. She referred to me as "Super Woman" because I seem to always have time and I do everything selflessly. While at the ceremony, I got a group pic of the PMs in a nice frame and a blanket that was embroidered in WAC colors that said had my name and Peer Mentor Leader 2008-2009. It was such an awesome gift that I was not expecting to get!
These gifts were signs that I'm leaving. It's Finals Week so of course it still feels like I'm in school. It has been so hard to grasp the fact that I won't be seeing these people ever again. If I choose to go to Chicago, I doubt I'll be seeing ANYONE again. I know that if I'm able to move out there and stay away from my family and their negative comments about me, I won't come back home so I can't be sucked back in.
If I choose to go to one of the other schools I got into, sure I'll be trying to come back to WAC and see people! I am going to miss so many people, but at the same time, I need to get away. I didn't go to May Day this year because I was afraid of uncessary drama/bullshit and I didn't want to put a damper on anyone's night of naked mayhem.
You can say it's stupid but I can see the awkward. If we're in the same room, she leaves as fast as possible. It's clear that she's afraid of something or in complete disgust. Why put her through more?
I want to escape the awkwardness I have with her but also the people who hit on me in ridiculous and inappropriate ways. What happened to chivalry and trying to woo the girl, huh? People have been so annoying with that, lately. I have one guy who pretty much is saying he's in love with me when I try to make him stop liking me. (FML?) Guys just do not get hints. If I ignore you, walk away, or cling to other guys when I'm around you- I'm probably not into you.
I don't think I am ready to be in a relationship because my future is uncertain and because exes suck. Granted, I've definitely started wanting to be intimate with people again, I just can't do a relationship. A make out session, and maybe some 2nd base action, is all that I need. Some cuddles, some hugs, some huggles, and an opportunity to be playful as always... If only people weren't 1: shallow, 2: intent only on hooking up, 3: afraid of committment, 4: idiots, and 5: cowards.
This is very tangential, but the common themes here are that in less than 2 weeks I'll be alone. I may be living back with Mom and Paul for a month or two, but after that, I'm alone. I'm still unsure if the being alone part is necessary. The autonomy is needed. I need to grow up more, even though I'm more mature and more responsible than most my age.
So I'm in a bind- I'm sitting here trying to determine whether I want to give people chances, keep ignoring them as I currently do, and whether or not I should try again to patch things up. Pretty much, my contemplating is futile and meaningless because I have too much to look forward to in my life. I have a life ahead of me, yet I worry about dying alone. Would it really be all that bad? I'm 22 and I'm so determined to believe that I'll be single forever because this is the longest streak I haven't been in a relationship.
I think I'm kind of fail right now.
I'm not happy.
But I'm also not sad.
I'm not feeling lonely.
But I fear that I will be.
Oh and my left breast currently reads, "Cory Was Here." LOL!!