Depressed and reminiscing

[psalm23_4_6]

I've spent a majority of the day walking around my house in a sort of daze. As said in my previous entry I cried yesterday, over my Grandfather's death last year. I've just not been able to get rid of the cloud hanging over my head. Then about 20 minutes ago i burst into tears as I shut down my computer and starting screaming my head off. I just don't understand why he had to go then. why he had to leave me, I really didn't want him to leave. My sister and I were the only ones to ever get really close to him. Before he died he told my uncle's fiance that he knew without a doubt that my sister and I loved him unconditionally. It's just hard to grip that he's been gone almost a year. It'll be a year on August 2nd. Our birthday's were two days apart and we used to celebrate them together. He always called me precious, that was my nickname. I made him a big card one time when he was in the hospital for congestive heart failure, and i put stupid little comments like "You could always keep a good beat" on it and a huge smiley face. I just wanted to cheer him up. My mom said that a nurse came in and asked about it and my mom said his face just lit up and he smiled real big and said "My precious made that for me." I just miss him so much. Oh great I'm tearing up again. I'm an emotional wreck today, I don't know whether I should be sad, depressed, or make the difficult attempt of being happy. I really need to talk to someone, but Kelsey is at her grandmother's, Chase is most likely with one of his friends and I don't know Jonathan's number so I'm sitting here typing in hopes that getting it off my chest will make me feel better. Well it isn't. I still miss him, and I still want him to come back more than anything. Noone ever really talks about him anymore. Atleast not around me. When he died noone really talked to me about it, they just figured I wouldn't understand. I still remember walking in the room and seeing his mouth slack and open hanging to one side. He'd had a stroke a few years before. He was so pale and still. I missed his last breath by just a few seconds. Atleast I know I got to say goodbye. Every time I left his side even just for a few seconds or so I would say goodbye in fear that it would the last time he would be able to hear me. I miss him so much...

I blink away the tears
Trying to see his face
His mouth is slack
His body still
The rise and fall of his chest is gone
He no longer beathes
His heart no longer beats
The tears fall as the nurse nods gravely
I can't hold back
I can't control myself anymore
Its like I'm a broken dam
Tears flow freely down my cheeks
Soaking tissues
I'll always be his precious
I'll always remember him
I keep him in my heart
Where he'll live with me
The memory of him
The memory of Grandpa.

I don't think I will ever forget him...I'll always remember him.