Frustration
Anna has so many problems, most of them to do with her health. She probably has diabetes, but hates doctors and needles and so she doesnt want to find out. Her father died of a heart attack at age 38, and she has already had one, but she refuses to go in for regular check-ups. Her family thinks she doesnt have health insurance, but she does. She needs dental work badly, but her mother tells me the last time she went to the dentist they had to physically drag her... Anna's diet consists of coffee, candy, fast food, and cigarettes... which brings me to the story that kicked off this blog in the first place:
Anna is trying to quit smoking. She couldnt smoke much while she was sick, so she decided no better time than the present. She has been doing pretty well, 1 or 2 a day for the last few days. I know it is hard for her because her job consists mostly of driving. Well anyway, I am now the sick one, and home from work today, so I called her just a few minutes ago to see how her day was going and whether she had had a cigarette. Miracle of miracles, she hasn't! I congratulate her and tell her I am proud, but then she goes right into this rant: Basically she LIKES smoking. She doesnt feel that it is a physical or mental addiction, and therefor no matter how long she resists, she will always want to smoke because it is not about the nicotine addiction, she just likes the way they taste, and the act of smoking them. OK..... if thats true, why is she quitting? Oh, to make me happy, of course.
So even though she would never say it out loud, now I get to be the bad guy. I am forcing her to quit doing the one thing that makes her happy, though truthfully I told her flat out that I dont care if she quits smoking. I went through this smoking bullshit with my ex, and learned a long time ago that you cant make someone do something if they dont want to do it.
I set Anna up with an appointment with a therapist for Thursday, and she doesnt want to go to that either. She hates her body, but she violently rejects anything I try to do to help her change it. I am so fed up, so fucking tired of trying. I feel like I have been brave and selfless to take on such a loaded relationship, and I am not getting any effort on Anna's part to make it any easier.
How do I deal with this? Is it really worth it? Anna may never be truly happy with herself, and even if she is it will likely take a shit-load of money to get her there, and she will apparently be fighting it every step of the way. Meanwhile her health is probably in shambles, though we may not know until the day she dies because she wont go to the damn doctor. So at the age of 24 here I am, desperately in love with someone who causes me more pain and frustration on a daily basis than I have ever had to deal with. And yet Anna has told me she is happier since we got together than she has ever been in her life. And I dont even have the option to consider leaving her because I love her so goddamn much it hurts.
Every time I start to feel sorry for myself I realize that Anna's life is so much harder. And then I feel bad about feeling bad, which makes me feel worse. I just dont know how much more I can take.
-h
Anna is trying to quit smoking. She couldnt smoke much while she was sick, so she decided no better time than the present. She has been doing pretty well, 1 or 2 a day for the last few days. I know it is hard for her because her job consists mostly of driving. Well anyway, I am now the sick one, and home from work today, so I called her just a few minutes ago to see how her day was going and whether she had had a cigarette. Miracle of miracles, she hasn't! I congratulate her and tell her I am proud, but then she goes right into this rant: Basically she LIKES smoking. She doesnt feel that it is a physical or mental addiction, and therefor no matter how long she resists, she will always want to smoke because it is not about the nicotine addiction, she just likes the way they taste, and the act of smoking them. OK..... if thats true, why is she quitting? Oh, to make me happy, of course.
So even though she would never say it out loud, now I get to be the bad guy. I am forcing her to quit doing the one thing that makes her happy, though truthfully I told her flat out that I dont care if she quits smoking. I went through this smoking bullshit with my ex, and learned a long time ago that you cant make someone do something if they dont want to do it.
I set Anna up with an appointment with a therapist for Thursday, and she doesnt want to go to that either. She hates her body, but she violently rejects anything I try to do to help her change it. I am so fed up, so fucking tired of trying. I feel like I have been brave and selfless to take on such a loaded relationship, and I am not getting any effort on Anna's part to make it any easier.
How do I deal with this? Is it really worth it? Anna may never be truly happy with herself, and even if she is it will likely take a shit-load of money to get her there, and she will apparently be fighting it every step of the way. Meanwhile her health is probably in shambles, though we may not know until the day she dies because she wont go to the damn doctor. So at the age of 24 here I am, desperately in love with someone who causes me more pain and frustration on a daily basis than I have ever had to deal with. And yet Anna has told me she is happier since we got together than she has ever been in her life. And I dont even have the option to consider leaving her because I love her so goddamn much it hurts.
Every time I start to feel sorry for myself I realize that Anna's life is so much harder. And then I feel bad about feeling bad, which makes me feel worse. I just dont know how much more I can take.
-h