"My damsel breathes fire,"
Title: Hold On
Characters: Catty Turner (with appearances by Jim, Ren, and Lily)
'Verse: Squarewarts
Rating: PG-13
Catty isn't easily deterred when Amanda tries to reassure her that things are just fine and shuts the door on her. She's feeling it, too, the loss of Jaina. She might not have been part of their family, but her and Jaina were something that is hard to understand, and she's surprised that after only a few days she can actually begin to function again. She eats when there's food given to her, and she even smiles, because she knows...
Jaina wouldn't want this from any of them. And that's what keeps her going, and that's what glues her back together. Because Jaina would be pissed to see them all like this. Even in the wake of her death, Catty is still afraid of that tiny woman. It's what gives her the will to mourn without dying like she wanted.
So when Amanda acts brave, Catty doesn't listen. Her hand is on the door, and she's pushing it open, and she enters Jaina's home, because this is something she knows she has to do. She pats the girl on the head gently, smiles, and continues on despite the quiet protest. She can't even make it to the bedroom door without crying, and she hates that.
She told herself that she was going to be a brave and strong little girl when she faced Jim, and she's already crying.
Catty almost laughs at that, a nervous titter born of distress and pain, and it's because she knows the feelings attached to it that she swallows it down. Bad enough that she's crying after all.
Amanda watches from the hallway, but Catty ignores her for the moment.
Jim is curled up on their bed, looking pitiful. He stares at a wall, not acknowledging her presence even when the door clicks so softly behind her. It's the loudest sound in this room, and he still stares at the wall. It makes her feel sick, and the guilt rises up in her, twisting her stomach. If she had been there... If only...
But there's no way to fix that, and even with her magic, even with Stanton's, there's no way to fix this. No way to bring Jaina back.
Catty edges closer to the bed until she's sitting on it, and she doesn't say a word, because there are no words to say. How can she comfort him with words anyway? His wife is dead. Killed by her own brother. Her twin. They all knew Jacen. All liked him. She lays her hand on Jim's arm, and he finally looks at her. There's a small smile on her face, because she can't think of anything else to do. And she waits, waits for him to yell or hit her because of her stupid smile, but he doesn't.
Instead, he grabs her hand, and she cries harder through that smile of hers until she can barely see. It's probably a good thing that she doesn't speak anyway. Ren always did tell her that she spoke too much, or she didn't make sense, or she said the wrong things. She leans over until her face is pressed into Jim's shoulder, squeezing his hand as she cries. He cries with her until they eventually find themselves wrapped up in each other's arms, curled up together on Jaina's bed.
It's the only thing Catty can think of, and she doesn't care. They've both lost Jaina. That's what matters.
This is how they fall asleep, tangled up in their mutual grief.
Ren comes to take her home, whether informed by Amanda or just knew Catty was there. She isn't sure. She figures Amanda only lets Ren in because Catty is an invader right now, and Ren can take care of her, remove the pest from her home. Really, she doesn't want to go. But the weary look on her husband's face tells her not to argue, and so she merely kisses Jim on the forehead, slipping out of his clinging arms to lean against her man.
Catty continues to sleep in a separate bedroom from him.
-
The nightmares continue, with added elements. Lily and Jaina float in Catty's head. She can't sleep anymore. Her daughter's missing, her friend is dead, and she can't... She curls up in Lily's bed, stifling her tears so that Ren won't come in. Won't worry. Won't touch her. She just needs time, she keeps telling herself. But she knows he's worrying anyway, and she knows he wants her to let him in again, and for the love of everything, why does she do this to herself?
She squeezes her eyes shut, curls into the fetal position, and listens to the sounds of his guitar playing.
She wonders if she doesn't hate him for sticking around and trying, and maybe if she could have... Maybe she could have saved him from this life.
-
The decision isn't made right away. Catty realizes, in her grief, that she just can't possibly make a sound decision that could be so life-altering without it ruining everything around her.
“I'm coming out of retirement.”
Ren stares at her. It's apparent that he never thought his wife would do this, not after she had promised not to. She stares right back, determined and rigid. “You've been away from them for a long time.”
Like that information will stop her.
“I... have to do this, Ren.” Catty sighs, getting up to place her cup into the sink, turning her back on him. This is getting ridiculous. She knows it. She is becoming the ridiculous one.
“For Jaina? You are going to go after him.” He sounds unhappy, and he has every right to be.
She walks back over to him, standing while he sits, cupping his face. “Ren...”
He shakes his head, grabbing her hands and pulling them from his face. Her face tilts until she's looking at the ground. This is her fault too, of course. Pushing him away for this long. He has every right to be angry with her, but she won't back down from this. “I don't want you to.”
Gripping his hands, rubbing her thumb over his wedding ring, Catty cries. “I need you to support me on this, Ren. Be mad with me. But I...” She wants to tell him she needs him, but after two months of keeping him at arm's length, what good is even saying that? “I need you. I'm so sorry.” She falls to her knees, pressing her face against his chest. “I have no right, none at all. But I need you, and I need you to understand, and I need you to be with me. I'm sorry.” Now she's clinging, and she's desperate.
I would do the same if it were you. There's no reason to say it out loud. By now he should have known that Catty would do anything for her family.
Which is why she's praying that he understands why.
That it'll only be until Jacen is dead.
The silence is deafening, and she waits with a bated breath as she listens to his heart.
“Why can't you understand that this was why I wanted you to stop?” Ren finally says. “This is why I kept telling Lily to think of changing careers.” He's holding her face, his grip tighter than she would have liked, but she takes it. “You almost died once already, and now you want to face Jaina's killer.”
She gets it.
He thinks she'll die now, too.
Because Jaina died, she's going to die.
“Lily's coming home.” It's all she can manage to think of because, yes. Yes. Jacen might kill her.
“Will you?”
She takes a minute to think about it. “Yes. And you have to trust that. Trust me.” Because if Ren can't do it, if he can't trust her, if he can't support her, she might fall apart even more than she has. She's always thought that she needed him far more than he needed her.
He kisses her hard instead of replying, but it's okay. She gets it. They fall to the floor, and it's more like a power struggle than it is sex, and she doesn't even have the heart to put up a good battle. This is what her husband wants, and she knows she loves him enough to stop shutting him out. The hand on her throat tells her that he hates everything about what she's going to do.
She moves back into their bedroom after he wins.
Some of the tension is relieved.
-
Lily comes home.
She finds her mother immediately.
“Dad told me.”
There's something different about the way Lily looks at Catty, and Catty knows. Catty knows that her daughter has seen something that has changed her.
They're the same now, her and Lily. Like her and Jaina.
“I'm sorry I wasn't here.”
Catty smiles, shakes her head, sighs. It's been six long months, but she's better. Getting better. Living.
“You know he's smoking?” Lily asks, shedding her shirt and jeans until she's just in a pair of shorts and a sports bra. She stretches.
Catty pulls her hair up and out of her face, the smile on her face growing larger by the second until she's laughing. “He thinks that I'm not really aware.” Her wand twirls in her fingers as she looks at Lily expectantly.
“But you let him get away with it.”
“He needs it.”
“You two are pretty strange as a couple.” Lily flicks her wand, and Catty can tell it's been awhile.
“It works for us.”
Her daughter nods, smiles crookedly. “Did I fail her, Mom, by not being here? She was my master.”
“You would have just gotten yourself killed,” Catty replies, which is as good enough an answer to her question as anything else she can say. “I'm not going to go easy on you.”
“I know.”
They share a drink after the training session, and Lily leans against her mother as the older woman pets her daughter's hair gently.
Characters: Catty Turner (with appearances by Jim, Ren, and Lily)
'Verse: Squarewarts
Rating: PG-13
Catty isn't easily deterred when Amanda tries to reassure her that things are just fine and shuts the door on her. She's feeling it, too, the loss of Jaina. She might not have been part of their family, but her and Jaina were something that is hard to understand, and she's surprised that after only a few days she can actually begin to function again. She eats when there's food given to her, and she even smiles, because she knows...
Jaina wouldn't want this from any of them. And that's what keeps her going, and that's what glues her back together. Because Jaina would be pissed to see them all like this. Even in the wake of her death, Catty is still afraid of that tiny woman. It's what gives her the will to mourn without dying like she wanted.
So when Amanda acts brave, Catty doesn't listen. Her hand is on the door, and she's pushing it open, and she enters Jaina's home, because this is something she knows she has to do. She pats the girl on the head gently, smiles, and continues on despite the quiet protest. She can't even make it to the bedroom door without crying, and she hates that.
She told herself that she was going to be a brave and strong little girl when she faced Jim, and she's already crying.
Catty almost laughs at that, a nervous titter born of distress and pain, and it's because she knows the feelings attached to it that she swallows it down. Bad enough that she's crying after all.
Amanda watches from the hallway, but Catty ignores her for the moment.
Jim is curled up on their bed, looking pitiful. He stares at a wall, not acknowledging her presence even when the door clicks so softly behind her. It's the loudest sound in this room, and he still stares at the wall. It makes her feel sick, and the guilt rises up in her, twisting her stomach. If she had been there... If only...
But there's no way to fix that, and even with her magic, even with Stanton's, there's no way to fix this. No way to bring Jaina back.
Catty edges closer to the bed until she's sitting on it, and she doesn't say a word, because there are no words to say. How can she comfort him with words anyway? His wife is dead. Killed by her own brother. Her twin. They all knew Jacen. All liked him. She lays her hand on Jim's arm, and he finally looks at her. There's a small smile on her face, because she can't think of anything else to do. And she waits, waits for him to yell or hit her because of her stupid smile, but he doesn't.
Instead, he grabs her hand, and she cries harder through that smile of hers until she can barely see. It's probably a good thing that she doesn't speak anyway. Ren always did tell her that she spoke too much, or she didn't make sense, or she said the wrong things. She leans over until her face is pressed into Jim's shoulder, squeezing his hand as she cries. He cries with her until they eventually find themselves wrapped up in each other's arms, curled up together on Jaina's bed.
It's the only thing Catty can think of, and she doesn't care. They've both lost Jaina. That's what matters.
This is how they fall asleep, tangled up in their mutual grief.
Ren comes to take her home, whether informed by Amanda or just knew Catty was there. She isn't sure. She figures Amanda only lets Ren in because Catty is an invader right now, and Ren can take care of her, remove the pest from her home. Really, she doesn't want to go. But the weary look on her husband's face tells her not to argue, and so she merely kisses Jim on the forehead, slipping out of his clinging arms to lean against her man.
Catty continues to sleep in a separate bedroom from him.
-
The nightmares continue, with added elements. Lily and Jaina float in Catty's head. She can't sleep anymore. Her daughter's missing, her friend is dead, and she can't... She curls up in Lily's bed, stifling her tears so that Ren won't come in. Won't worry. Won't touch her. She just needs time, she keeps telling herself. But she knows he's worrying anyway, and she knows he wants her to let him in again, and for the love of everything, why does she do this to herself?
She squeezes her eyes shut, curls into the fetal position, and listens to the sounds of his guitar playing.
She wonders if she doesn't hate him for sticking around and trying, and maybe if she could have... Maybe she could have saved him from this life.
-
The decision isn't made right away. Catty realizes, in her grief, that she just can't possibly make a sound decision that could be so life-altering without it ruining everything around her.
“I'm coming out of retirement.”
Ren stares at her. It's apparent that he never thought his wife would do this, not after she had promised not to. She stares right back, determined and rigid. “You've been away from them for a long time.”
Like that information will stop her.
“I... have to do this, Ren.” Catty sighs, getting up to place her cup into the sink, turning her back on him. This is getting ridiculous. She knows it. She is becoming the ridiculous one.
“For Jaina? You are going to go after him.” He sounds unhappy, and he has every right to be.
She walks back over to him, standing while he sits, cupping his face. “Ren...”
He shakes his head, grabbing her hands and pulling them from his face. Her face tilts until she's looking at the ground. This is her fault too, of course. Pushing him away for this long. He has every right to be angry with her, but she won't back down from this. “I don't want you to.”
Gripping his hands, rubbing her thumb over his wedding ring, Catty cries. “I need you to support me on this, Ren. Be mad with me. But I...” She wants to tell him she needs him, but after two months of keeping him at arm's length, what good is even saying that? “I need you. I'm so sorry.” She falls to her knees, pressing her face against his chest. “I have no right, none at all. But I need you, and I need you to understand, and I need you to be with me. I'm sorry.” Now she's clinging, and she's desperate.
I would do the same if it were you. There's no reason to say it out loud. By now he should have known that Catty would do anything for her family.
Which is why she's praying that he understands why.
That it'll only be until Jacen is dead.
The silence is deafening, and she waits with a bated breath as she listens to his heart.
“Why can't you understand that this was why I wanted you to stop?” Ren finally says. “This is why I kept telling Lily to think of changing careers.” He's holding her face, his grip tighter than she would have liked, but she takes it. “You almost died once already, and now you want to face Jaina's killer.”
She gets it.
He thinks she'll die now, too.
Because Jaina died, she's going to die.
“Lily's coming home.” It's all she can manage to think of because, yes. Yes. Jacen might kill her.
“Will you?”
She takes a minute to think about it. “Yes. And you have to trust that. Trust me.” Because if Ren can't do it, if he can't trust her, if he can't support her, she might fall apart even more than she has. She's always thought that she needed him far more than he needed her.
He kisses her hard instead of replying, but it's okay. She gets it. They fall to the floor, and it's more like a power struggle than it is sex, and she doesn't even have the heart to put up a good battle. This is what her husband wants, and she knows she loves him enough to stop shutting him out. The hand on her throat tells her that he hates everything about what she's going to do.
She moves back into their bedroom after he wins.
Some of the tension is relieved.
-
Lily comes home.
She finds her mother immediately.
“Dad told me.”
There's something different about the way Lily looks at Catty, and Catty knows. Catty knows that her daughter has seen something that has changed her.
They're the same now, her and Lily. Like her and Jaina.
“I'm sorry I wasn't here.”
Catty smiles, shakes her head, sighs. It's been six long months, but she's better. Getting better. Living.
“You know he's smoking?” Lily asks, shedding her shirt and jeans until she's just in a pair of shorts and a sports bra. She stretches.
Catty pulls her hair up and out of her face, the smile on her face growing larger by the second until she's laughing. “He thinks that I'm not really aware.” Her wand twirls in her fingers as she looks at Lily expectantly.
“But you let him get away with it.”
“He needs it.”
“You two are pretty strange as a couple.” Lily flicks her wand, and Catty can tell it's been awhile.
“It works for us.”
Her daughter nods, smiles crookedly. “Did I fail her, Mom, by not being here? She was my master.”
“You would have just gotten yourself killed,” Catty replies, which is as good enough an answer to her question as anything else she can say. “I'm not going to go easy on you.”
“I know.”
They share a drink after the training session, and Lily leans against her mother as the older woman pets her daughter's hair gently.