fic: Hem (1/4)
Title: Hem
Beta: pinkeuphoria1
Pairing: Kame/Jin
Rating: R
Genre: AU, Romance
Notes: The title is actually Swedish and means "home". There are tiny bits of Swedish in the fic - if you click the bits, it'll link you to the translations. Also, people who actually speak fluent Swedish, feel free to correct me if I've made mistakes!
On another important note, this fic has THREE TIMELINES. They're numbered in chronological order. I wanted to try it in order to make the whole thing feel a bit more organic. I hope it isn't too confusing.
Ahh, this fic has been a work in progress for over a year now - I have NEVER before managed to finish something that took me so long! Achievement unlocked~ I hope you guys enjoy it, I've put a lot of work into it :D
Word count: 33,500
Summary: Up until now, Jin has been unable to take root anywhere due to his feet being constantly swept off by the never-ending road. When he finds love back at his homeland, he's slowly forced to realise that living a fulfilling life doesn't come easily when complex human emotions are involved and love demands its sacrifices.
-3-
It’s strange, the things people do for love.
Jin lets his eyes slide closed. Wetness runs down his cheeks, a few pearly tears drawing uneven lines before they break contact with his skin at the chin and right after the swell of his cheekbone. The familiar scent of lemon creeps up his nostrils and Jin resists the urge to burrow his face deeper in the gradually curling auburn locks of Kame’s hair. He feels a bit detached, like this wouldn’t actually be happening, yet for some reason his senses are impossibly heightened, carefully imprinting this moment in his memory.
His naked ankle brushes faintly against the rough fabric of his navy luggage which sits on the floor in front of him. The friction burns, but Jin’s neck feels chilly because the wetness of Kame’s tears steals heat from his body. Kame’s presence is comforting, the toned arms that are wrapped around him and the warmth that seeps into Jin, making him feel feverish.
The oxygen isn’t quite becoming one with him.
“It’ll get better now,” he promises Kame, voice dry, low and so, so hurt. Just for a brief moment Kame’s fist tightens its hold on Jin’s cotton hoodie but then his fingers uncurl and withdraw. They curl again, just a little, grasping air instead of Jin, and then the other hand is gone too, shakily pressed against the mattress.
Kame stares at him, his wet, short lashes glued into tiny bundles. His reddened eyes have an almost blank look in them and the skin around them is swollen and blotchy. The callused skin of Jin’s thumb swiftly brushes away some of the wetness and Kame’s hand rises up to rest over it. Jin watches as a lone tear falls from his lowered eyes and hits the mattress with a barely audible thud, creating a slightly darker spot on the fabric.
He doesn’t want to go. A deep and shaky breath finally makes it into his system. He doesn’t want to go.
When he withdraws his hand from Kame’s face and feels the contact between them slide away, it all becomes real somehow. The anxious tightness in his chest, the last packed bag on the floor, all the others already carried in the car. The one-way ticket to Barcelona carefully slipped inside his worn leather wallet.
Kame’s trying to get a hold of himself. He draws in a deep breath and looks up, lips tightly pressed together. Jin gets up on his feet and makes a lame attempt to wipe the wetness away from his neck. Once he succeeds in grasping a hold of the handle of his luggage and straightening up, he looks back at Kame whose face is morphed into something that is probably trying to be a smile. Jin can’t swallow down the lump that gathers in his throat.
“Now go and make someone else happy,” Kame tells him quietly, his voice thick and soft. Jin nods and tightens his hold of his bag like it’s the only thing anchoring him anywhere anymore.
“Bye,” he croaks and turns around awkwardly, stumbling a bit with his steps. With this, it’ll be over. There are so many things Jin has planned to say, but he can’t. They’re just little fantasies dancing at the tip of his tongue. This is reality.
He looks back over his shoulder at the doorframe. The person who looks back at him is frail and shaky, but Jin thinks he looks like he’s gotten a heavy weight off his shoulders. He bites back the desperate pleads, flashes Kame an awkward, shaky grin and waves his hand. “Hejdå, min kära.”
Kame draws in a shaky breath and his eyes glisten. Still, he smiles, just a little, weak but beautiful. “Bye bye.”
Jin’s smile grows a bit surer. “Good luck,” he wishes the man in all honestly and licks his lip, a nervous gesture he picked up from Kame at some point along the road. I love you gets caught up in his throat.
“Likewise,” Kame wishes him off. Jin’s gaze falters as he turns his head around, facing his direction as head-on as he possibly can, trying to shed the helplessly clingy love off his skin.
And off he goes.
-1-
Fate is a fickle thing that has never played much of a role in Jin’s adventurous life.
At the supposedly mature age of thirty, he is a multifaceted man who has lost track of the ground under his feet. His mother has quite accurately informed all of their family friends that he’s been swept off by the road, perhaps never to stay still long enough to take root anywhere. He’s got a nearly limitlessly curious mind and his helplessly gluttonous eyes are best satisfied by long journeys into inlands, liberating sails across the salty oceans, physically exhausting hikes far up to snow-topped mountains and encounters with people representing an unimaginable myriad of cultures. Jin, she claims, is some kind of a rare winged creature they could never really keep caged, even as a toddler.
In order for something truly meaningful to take place in his life, like fate, Jin thinks, he should have an anchor set somewhere. He should have a place, or maybe a person, which he could orbit around, unable to resist the gravitational pull. Much to his dismay, there hasn’t ever really been anything that would match the criteria. For the majority of his life he’s had no regrets - how could he, when he’s been fortunate enough to see the gondolas sliding across the waters in Venice, roads curve very much like real-life rollercoasters in San Francisco, pyramids stand firmly in the hot and sandy lands of Egypt and The Great Wall of China snake between lush green trees as far as his eyes can possibly follow it?
Then again, everyone has their regrets. His rise like bile in his mouth every time his mother or father remind him that the fortunate genes he’s inherited from them aren’t going to get him very far if he lets finding a lifetime partner wait for a decade or few longer. His younger brother Reio goes steady with girls every now and then whereas Jin only finds himself in flings that are fun but never anything even remotely consistent. True romance is something that makes him feel uneasy, kind of like he would be walking in someone else’s shoes with a silly, polka-dotted bow around his neck. What exactly is it that he shyly yearns for, well, that’s one of life’s big mysteries.
An even bigger mystery is how on earth do his dates always turn out to be disastrous, even though he’s been completely confident about them before they’ve taken place? He’s heard the typical warning speeches of people pretending to be what they aren’t online, but there has to be a limit to the shocking revelations, he thinks. Yet somehow there isn’t.
“Your life sounds so interesting,” a rather young woman coos at him cutely, her head tilted and fingers pressed together. Jin smiles awkwardly and nods, a hint of a blush creeping onto his cheeks. “I love watching Amazing Race, you know. I’ve never travelled outside of Asia but it sounds so cool.”
“It is,” Jin mumbles nervously and cuts a piece off his quickly disappearing apple pie slice with his tiny dessert fork. “Although Asia has many interesting places too. Even just Japan. It’s… nice.”
“Strange for you to say that, having travelled to so many places,” the woman, Terawaki Kairi, laughs. Her voice is bubbly, all kinds of young and funny, but Jin doesn’t quite like the cold and judgmental spike in her eyes that she seems to desperately attempt to cover up. “So what brings you to Japan? Are you staying for long?”
“I don’t really know,” Jin shrugs and draws in a deep breath to calm himself down under her scrutinizing stare. “Um. I kind of live at my parents’ house now,” he admits truthfully. “My mum talked me over into staying for a while. Trying to meet people. Marriage stuff, you know. Since… it’s kind of… time.”
“You’re thirty, right?” Terawaki asks, although it’s not really a question because she clearly already knows the answer. “It’s a wonder no one’s snatched you already. You’re such a sweetheart, I could eat you up,” she smirks and winks at him. It doesn’t make him feel any calmer.
“Terawaki…”
“We’ve been at this for twenty minutes already. Call me Kairi,” she insists, and in almost anywhere else around the world that would be totally alright, but here in Japan it feels borderline creepy. Jin wonders if he’s a fly caught in a web in the worst kind of interpretation of the imagery.
“Terawaki,” he insists, trying to put some distance between them. The raspberry cheesecake he bought her sits on the table barely touched. His chest feels a little tight and all of a sudden he’s at a loss of words and his date is staring at him expectantly with arched eyebrows. His mouth goes dry. “You… Umm…”
She’s smiling at him, somehow strong and overwhelming like a woman who knows exactly what she’s looking for. It’s not really what Jin was expecting - while they chatted online he had somehow gotten the vibe that they were both pretty shy about this whole thing. He hadn’t felt very pressured after understanding that they both would be in the same dire situation during this date, but now she’s turned out to be something very different and Jin isn’t convinced that he’s what she’s searching for.
“So… you write music? Like, on a professional level?” she enquires, her eyes sparkling in admiration. Jin’s thumb finds its way to the bridge of his nose to nervously scratch an itch that isn’t really there.
“Yeah. But right now I work as a cashier. I do a bit of this and that to get by.”
“I think it’s romantic. Writing songs,” his date continues on. Jin has a feeling that she’s completely ignoring his humble attempts to highlight the reality of his world. “I’m a bit of a hopeless romantic. It makes me quite easy sometimes. I mean, if you’d write a song for me, I’d be all yours.”
Jin almost chokes on his coffee. Oh god. Terawaki is being way too pushy and eager.
“Just putting it out there,” she singsongs and taps her neatly polished nails against the porcelain of her café au lait cup. Jin bites his lower lip and can’t bear to look at her. He doesn’t really know how to escape from his date.
“You know, this isn’t really-”
“Is it you, Akanishi?!” a loud and brisk voice speaks behind him. Jin turns his head around just as a strong hand slams on his shoulder. He jumps a little so that his knees hit the table and some of his date’s coffee spills from the cup. She cries out a little before covering the little puddle with a handful of napkins. Jin stares at his assaulter and can’t recall him even if his life depended on it.
The auburn-haired man winks at him playfully with a crooked smirk on his face. “It’s been ages! I think, what, ten years?”
Huh?
“Excuse me-”
“Kamenashi Kazuya,” the man introduces himself and politely offers his hand to Terawaki. “We knew each other in high school.” They didn’t, that much Jin is sure of as he warily studies the man’s quirky face. They definitely didn’t. But if they didn’t…
Ah. His knight in shining armour. The man’s trying to save his sorry ass from his dangerously clingy date.
“Kame!” he yelps and wraps his arm around the man’s midsection. It’s a good thing that physical things like this aren’t too strange for him after all of his travels. He can do this. “What’s up? Wow, it’s been long-”
“Hey, I’m off to a business trip tomorrow, but I’d love to catch up with you. Little birds have sung that you’ve gotten married. How’s your wife?”
Oh crap. Jin’s eyes flash to his dumbfounded date in panic. She’s speechless, her eyes wide like a deer’s. This wasn’t exactly the way he had meant to go about this.
The next thing his brains process is that he’s got the thankfully cooled remainders of his date’s coffee splashed on him. After furiously pulling her coat and handbag in her arms, she gets up loudly, her chair scraping the floor and heels clanking as she makes her way out in protest. Jin gasps. Everyone is staring at them and whispering disapprovingly while the auburn-haired stranger kneels next to him in order to keep a low profile and snatches a few napkins to dry Jin’s face with. Jin rises up on his feet unsteadily, still in shock. The man beside him snorts in amusement and tugs on his sleeve. “Time to get out of here, I think,” he whispers to him playfully. Jin nods and lets himself get dragged to the streets.
“Ah, shit. My shirt,” he curses, suddenly very self-conscious about his soiled baby blue button-up shirt. His blazer does nothing to cover up the stains. The man strips his black jacket off and hands it over to Jin.
“I might’ve overdone it,” he admits apologetically. “I couldn’t help myself. During the last ten minutes your expression was quite memorable. I’m surprised she wasn’t taking the hint. No, keep it,” he grunts at Jin as he tries to push the jacket back in the man’s hands, finally realising that there isn’t really a good reason for him to hold it. “I owe it to you. It’s not that big of a deal.”
“Oh,” Jin mumbles awkwardly and pushes his hands through the sleeves. It’s quite tight and must look silly, but he manages to make the zipper go up and hide his stained shirt. “Thanks.”
The man brushes him off with an embarrassed smirk and throws his bag over his shoulder. “No problem. Well, I wish you better luck with your future dates,” he mumbles and bows his head slightly. Jin imitates him and grins awkwardly.
“I might need that.”
When the man laughs, his cheeks rise and eyes become tiny crescents. “Well, I’m off. Have a good day.”
“You too,” Jin returns the courtesy. The man doesn’t look back as he disappears into the crowd and leaves Jin wondering how to kill a few hours before going home so that his mother won’t decapitate him for ditching his date so soon.
It takes him a few days to notice that the jacket has a Louis Vuitton tag on it.
-2-
Summertime sneaks up on Jin whilst his soles are still resting on Japanese soil. “Take a picture, take a picture,” Kame insists and pushes his camera in Jin’s hands before hurrying a bit ahead to stand in front of Sunabe Seawall - a low but long concrete wall with colourful graffiti tags all over it. Jin chuckles and turns the camera on.
“Strike a pose!” he yells at the man. Kame kneels on the level of the wall and makes a peace sign. Jin snaps a picture. “Got it!”
Kame hurries back to him, takes the waterproof film camera from his hand. “Ahh, I can’t wait to see these,” he chatters happily and snaps a picture of Jin’s face. Jin swats him off him gently.
“Save some film for the corals, won’t you? I want pictures!” he whines. “I’ve never been diving before.”
“Liar,” Kame snorts. “Even I’ve been diving!”
“Seriously!”
Kame drops the camera back in his tote bag, looking amused. Jin looks beyond the concrete wall to the sea and sees the coastline curving into vision with buildings and all. It’s strange, getting so far away from Tokyo together. It’s not like he would’ve stayed still - whenever Kame’s had to travel for work, he’s hopped on a train to go and briefly check out another city somewhere within the country’s borders. Having Kame by his side, though, makes this all so different. Okinawa’s hotter, brighter and far more enchanting than he remembers it being.
It comes as a surprise to Jin how easy it is to enjoy a trip with Kame even if they’re completely different types of travellers. What Jin usually does is blend in with the locals - he chats up a few new friends and lets them take him right into the heart of his destination. He follows their lead and tries to do everything without feeling too silly. Kame, on another hand, is a typical tourist. His tote bag is armed with his tourist gear - a camera, sunscreen, several travel guides and scheduled plans of what big tourist attractions he wants to check out. He has his way of making it all fun, though - he’s ridiculously into things and although he keeps sighing and staring in awe and pointing at things, it doesn’t annoy Jin the slightest. Maybe it’s because Kame enjoys it, or maybe it’s because Jin enjoys Kame. It’s hard to tell.
Kame looks so silly in his bright yellow rimmed goggles and fins that Jin has a hard time staying focused when their guide gives them instructions and warnings. He’s got the main points down, he thinks, and he’s paranoid enough to stick close to someone in case there’s trouble with the oxygen supply and all - he doesn’t really feel ready to pass to the other side just yet. He feels his skin tingling excitedly as he looks at the blue water that’s bound to be prettier below the surface.
Kame elbows him and gives him a little glare. “Listen, it’s important,” he whispers. Jin presses his lips together, knowing that Kame’s right. It’s not really his fault that focus has always been one of his weak points, though. He’s too excited to just stand and listen. It makes him feel fidgety and impatient.
A guide helps him put the breathing gear on properly. Kame doesn’t have any problems with his - he’s paid attention, after all, and this isn’t his first time doing scuba diving. Kame, the eternal perfectionist and worrywart, keeps an eye on him.
As silly as Kame looks, Jin can’t help but check him out a little in the skin-hugging black wetsuit.
After their bodies crash through the surface tension of the water, the world changes and Jin is way too taken by the odd pressure, silence and adventure to pay attention to Kame at all. The visibility underwater is excellent, and although they were told that diving at this specific port doesn’t let you go very deep, Jin is a bit intimidated by the surface slowly being further and further above them.
It takes him a long while to let the anxiety pass. The sound of his own breathing is ridiculously loud and all the water around him makes him aware of just how important his oxygen tank really is. The first sea snake he sees makes him squeamish but once he relaxes, he gets really into staring at the colourful corals up close and spotting cool-looking fish.
The stone around him is eroded with tiny holes all over it and the places the group swims through are seriously cool and unlike anything Jin’s seen on the ground. Kame swims next to him with a playful look in his eyes and hugs him close for a picture. Jin snorts, producing massive bubbles, so Kame has to take another photo just in case he ruined the first one. Then he’s off again, catching up to the others while Jin tries to stay the fuck away from another one of those ugly snakes. Then his eye catches one of those Nemo fish or whatever they were called hiding in the coral and he forgets about the snake completely.
For dinner they enjoy local cuisine at some modest looking place because Kame’s first choice had been simply just too full. Jin prefers it this way - Kame’s paying for a lot of things during the trip because he really wants to do things and can afford it without a problem, but this place is actually within Jin’s own price range so he insists on paying for the entire meal. It takes Jin a while to make Kame agree to it - when ordinary convincing fails him, he gets a little risky and whispers lots of dirty innuendos at Kame who gives in just to shut him up. It’s his win anyway.
Back at the hotel, Kame fucks him among the bed sheets, twisting around everything Jin had previously teased him about and then drags him along to a bubble bath in a tub that’s clearly too small for two grown men.
“I think I want to go shopping tomorrow,” Kame hums beneath Jin, rubbing Jin’s belly leisurely and making him ticklish. “For a while at least. Hmm…”
“Don’t fall asleep,” Jin teases him and turns his head to press a flimsy kiss on Kame’s temple. Kame laughs warmly and squeezes him a bit tighter. Kame shakes his head but lets his eyelids slide closed in relaxation. “I’m serious…” Jin snorts but sighs nonetheless, enjoying the warm water and the rosy aroma of the soap.
“Promise…”
“Is it your shoulders? Want me to massage you?” Jin offers. Kame shakes his head, smiling.
“I’m good. It’s too cramped to get comfy like that…” Kame presses a tiny peck on Jin’s wet shoulder and then grimaces a bit, opening his eyes. “I think I just ate some bubbles. They don’t taste as good as they smell.”
“You don’t say?” Jin chuckles and wraps his arms over Kame’s, caressing his hands gently underwater. “I’ve been eating them a lot. Ew.”
“Too cramped, huh,” Kame laughs hoarsely. “Sorry.”
“Nah, it’s fine,” Jin insists although his muscles are starting to object. He’s enjoying this. Some discomfort is worth putting up with.
They don’t talk for a while. Jin keeps rubbing Kame’s hands underwater. His knees are cold above the waterline.
“I told my mum,” he confesses to Kame quietly and feels the man’s fingers twitch. “I don’t really have secrets with her. I think she’s told the rest of my family. I just thought you should know… It’d be nice if you came over someday. She’d love to meet you.”
Kame pushes him up a bit. After the hot water, the air feels like ice, prickling on his skin. Jin grimaces and hears the bathtub squeaking when Kame straightens up.
“I thought we agreed to keep this private,” Kame reminds him calmly. It’s not that he sounds angry or even disappointed, just… wary. It’s not the worst case scenario or anything. Jin shrugs and twists his torso to see Kame’s face.
“I know. I’m not telling the world about this or anything,” he tells Kame seriously. “Just my family for now. They’re really cool about it, my family’s chill. They understand the situation.” He sucks on his lips. “Yamapi knew I had a crush on you. I think he’s figured us out by now, he keeps teasing me about it. He’s cool too, so don’t worry.”
“I’m not worrying,” Kame insists grudgingly. He is, though, Jin can see that. “I just want to keep this private. It’s not personal. You know that my work doesn’t really tolerate homosexuality, especially if it’s public knowledge.”
“This is private,” Jin insists softly but firmly. “It’s just that there are people I don’t want to hide this from forever. People I can trust.” He licks his lips. “I don’t think I’m just a source of entertainment for you.”
Kame looks so damn worried that it’s almost insulting. Then again, it’s just Kame. He’s always been too careful to know what’s truly best for him.
“It’s been a few months,” Jin continues softly and turns around properly, climbing on Kame’s lap. Some of the water splashes out of the tub and onto the floor. “It’s fine, right? It’s not like we’d be holding hands, hugging or kissing in public. This is private.”
Kame sighs, looking exhausted again. “I know. I just don’t want the word to get out.”
“It won’t,” Jin assures him. “Trust me.”
Kame licks his lips slowly and finds Jin’s hands. He enlaces their fingers and tilts his head, looking up at Jin tiredly.
“Just don’t expect this introduction thing to go both ways,” he says awkwardly. “My parents don’t approve, so. I’d rather keep them out of this.”
Jin pouts. “Like, homophobic or what?”
“That,” Kame laughs breathlessly. He doesn’t sound happy at all. “Just… understand that, alright? This really is private for me. You can maybe see a couple of friends but that’s it. I don’t want to be open about this, it’s too much stress.”
“I get it,” Jin promises and kisses Kame with a small smile. “Private.”
“Private,” Kame repeats with a hum and lets go of Jin’s hands to wrap them around his lower back. “Remember that.”
“Don’t worry,” Jin chuckles, thinking about it. “I get private.”
It makes him feel sad, though. Not the fact that Kame wants to keep things personal - the fact that he feels so damn judged about it that he’s obviously scared of letting anyone know. That out of all the people in the world that he could rely on, he only trusts a select few and feels hunted by the others.
Maybe it wouldn’t hurt Kame to try a little harder to let others love him for who he is.
-3-
The evening wind is warm and Jin’s shirt clings awkwardly to his skin. There’s a rusted metallic railing on the balcony that he leans against and sighs, trying to find peace. The warm colours that paint the sky orange at the horizon and pale blue high up are worthy of a postcard picture. The sound of prayer from the nearest mosque echoes, bounces off the walls of the red-roofed buildings down below him. He draws in a deep breath and basks in the beauty of Istanbul.
“Will you go and see The Blue Mosque tomorrow?” his friend from years ago asks him with a raised voice, leaning against the doorframe. A bird on the roof spreads its wings and takes off, travelling across the skies. Jin follows it with his eyes.
“I might,” he answers slowly, pondering. His friend hums in acknowledgement and steps onto the dusty tiles of the balcony, his feet bare. Jin smiles at him briefly as the loud sound of the prayer dies away. The dark-haired man digs a cigarette package from his pocket and offers Jin one. He carefully accepts the offer.
“Does Turkey not meet your expectations?” his friend enquires, head tilted and a playful smile dancing on his lips. Jin lets out a smoky laughter.
“It’s beautiful,” he speaks, voiced laced with respectful awe, but there’s hollowness in his voice that he can’t quite cover up. “So much to see.”
“And experience,” Mehmet adds fondly. He’s a man with roots - he’s got a beautiful wife and two children, the oldest of which will start school next autumn. Jin takes a deep drag from the cigarette and scratches his nose absently. He shouldn’t feel like this. “This country is full of love. Love for Allah. Love for family. Love for Turkey. Perhaps even a little love for danger.” There’s a playful sparkle in Mehmet’s eyes. “Yet it seems that your heart isn’t here to welcome it.”
“Is it not?” Jin laughs, afraid to admit it to himself. Mehmet’s hand pats his shoulder encouragingly. There’s a sad look in his eyes, as if he knows more than he actually does. Then again, Jin has always been quite see-through. There was never much need for pretence. He doesn’t find honour in it.
“I assume you will have tea with us,” Mehmet sighs. “The kids are quite fond of your stories of the world.”
“I’ll be there,” Jin promises. The night is creeping up on them. Streetlights light up below them in hues of yellow and blue. “Just needed some fresh air.”
“Turkey is here to offer you a chance to delve into its culture while you stay,” Mehmet laughs throatily, his voice raspy from all the cigarettes he’s smoked during his lifetime. “Let us hope it will offer you a bandage over your heart.”
Jin butts the cigarette in the ashtray and clicks his tongue in disbelief. There’s no bandage that would stick to his heart and protect it from the bacteria that nest at the infected depths of his wounds. Kame’s lack of presence is gnawing on him, and there isn’t a medicine strong enough to wash him away.
“Let us hope,” he answers and steps back into the spicily scented living room.
-1-
Jin’s gluing photographs of his trip to New Zealand on a thick leather bound book. He and his friends in emerald forests with vines that cover up the surface of the tree barks, helping out to trim countless numbers of sheep of a local farmer and dripping sea water on a turquoise beach. There are so many bright smiles and so much tanned skin under a blinding sun.
“It’s so strange to have you home,” his mother sighs from the doorway, swiftly polishing her silverware with a cloth. “That table’s gotten a bit small for you.”
“You’re delusional, mum, I stopped growing years ago,” Jin groans without looking up. He sticks another photograph neatly in place. His mother laughs and walks in, peering at the photos curiously.
“You haven’t stopped aging, though. You’re starting to get wrinkles,” she teases him and pinches his cheek, making him whimper in pain. “Oh, that’s such a pretty beach. You think we should go too when your father retires?”
Jin smiles up at her as she sets the silverware and the cloth on his desk. “Hmm. You might like it. I could think of a few places that you’d probably be more impressed with, though.”
“Of course you could,” his mother sighs and pats his shoulder. Her hand stays there, fingers gently wrapping around Jin’s flesh. “How’s the apartment coming along?”
Jin turns back to the photo album. He’s still got a thick stash of photographs to glue in, after all. This might take the entire evening, not that he minds. “Yamapi found me this guy that rents pretty cheap places. I’m going to meet him tomorrow. I should be able to move out in a couple of weeks.”
“How’s the rent?” his mother worries, lets go of his shoulder and picks up the photographs from the table. She starts flipping through them curiously. “Do you need help with it?”
“Mum, I’m not a kid anymore,” Jin whines at her. “I can handle it, I have a job. And I met this guy at a pub yesterday, his band would be interested in a few of my songs. They’re not very big so it’s not much but still.”
“You’re such a lucky kid, somehow everything always falls in place with you,” his mother mumbles and hands him the next photo of the stack to glue. “It makes me worry.”
Jin bursts into laughter. “Mum, that’s supposed to make you feel relieved!”
“I know, but it’s too easy! Life isn’t supposed to be that easy,” she laughs back. Her hand brushes the jacket hanging on the back of his chair, realising its existence for the first time. “This is new,” she notes. Jin twists his body to see what she’s talking about.
“Ah, yeah. I ran into this guy who… umm… got coffee all over me. He gave it to me. He didn’t leave me any of his contact information so I can’t return it…” The guy had told him to keep it, though, but it was too far out of his price range to keep comfortably. Besides, it wasn’t even his size. All he’d gotten was a name, though, and it might not even be the man’s real name, so… There wasn’t really much he could do, not in a big city like Tokyo.
“Louis Vuitton!” Jin’s mother gasps, looking a bit star struck. “And someone just gave it to you!?”
Jin grimaces. “I know. It’s strange. Maybe he was rich or something.”
“He must have been, these are ridiculously expensive!” Jin’s mother keeps going on, brushing the material with her finger. “God, this thing is a quality product.”
Jin shrugs. “It’s too small for me.”
“Hmm, it could fit Reio,” she says and checks the size. “Yes, this should definitely fit Reio.”
Jin laughs. “Trust you to give it to Reio when I could just sell it and get a bit of cash!”
“It’d be such a shame to sell it,” his mother whines. “Just feel the fabric, this thing is gorgeous. It looks like an ageless design too, this is worth keeping. Maybe if you lose a bit of weight you’ll get it back one day.” She ruffles his hair. Jin blushes scarlet.
“My weight is fine…”
“Of course it is, darling. You’re fleshy, people like that on a man. What I’m saying is that you could maybe work out a tiny bit more and set down the beer, it’s giving you a beer belly.”
“You’re awful,” Jin groans and glares at his mother. “You’re my mum!”
“Which is exactly why I should advice you a little bit. You’re thirty and you’re still single, Jin. What I’m saying is that your father and I would feel a little more comfortable if you had some kind of a safety net.” She folds the jacket and hangs it on her arm. Yeah, that thing is definitely going to Reio, no matter what Jin says. He doesn’t really have a good reason to argue, though. It’s fine.
“I’m trying, mum,” he answers. “I just don’t want to make a big mistake.”
“Smart kid,” she praises him. “I gotta go back to the kitchen. Dinner will be ready in ten minutes so start finishing up.” She walks out of the room. Jin groans, throwing his head back. His desk is such a mess.
“WHAT DO WE HAVE FOR DINNER?” he yells after his mother.
“SUNDUBU JJIGAE!” his mother yells back at him. Not bad. Trust his mother to go for Korean - Jin’s convinced that he’s inherited her taste for spice. He chuckles a bit as he grabs the bottle of glue. He can take a little break from his journey books.
-2-
The house doesn’t look particularly special from the outside. Jin stands in front of it, squeezing a paper-wrapped bottle of sake in his hands, not quite sure what to do. The small yard is decorated with beautiful flowers and bushes that Jin can’t name since he’s never been good at that stuff. He gulps and starts walking towards the front door. It feels like the neighbours’ houses would be squeezing in even closer and closer than what they already are. There’s an old woman on the neighbour’s yard, giving him a long and curious look.
Jin rings the doorbell and straightens up his posture, aiming to look presentable.
He’s made up his mind and he isn’t going to run away now that he’s come this far. It’s not his responsibility to do this, but it feels important nonetheless. If there’s anything he can do to make Kame feel better about himself, he’s prepared to give it a shot. They just have to see.
A man with greying hair and fuzzy eyebrows opens the door and looks at Jin, who feels encouraged by the familiar features of the man’s physique. He bows his neck politely and straightens up.
“Mister Kamenashi?” he checks, just to be sure. The man nods.
“That’d be me. And you are?”
Jin hopes that his sweaty palms won’t stain the paper wrapping around the sake bottle. “Akanishi Jin,” he introduces himself. He’s not surprised when the name doesn’t seem to ring a bell. He can feel the eyes of the old woman on the neighbour’s yard at the back of his neck and remembers Kame’s insecurities. “I know your son,” he says, and hopes that the message gets across. He offers the bottle to the old man whose eyebrows scrunch together a little. He doesn’t look very pleased. “Can I come in?”
“Who is it?” a woman’s voice asks from inside, but Jin doesn’t dare to break eye contact with Kame’s father who’s starting to develop a rather cold and uninviting aura around him. Jin moves the bottle in his hand a little bit, starting to feel awkward holding it out like that.
The man takes his offer stiffly and makes way. Jin takes it as a good sign and bows a little again as he steps in. “Thank you,” Jin says, trying his best to stay on good behaviour.
He leaves his shoes at the entryway and hears Kame’s father removing the paper wrapper from around the bottle. When Jin straightens up, he’s examining it carefully. Jin feels pretty nervous - truth be told, he isn’t exactly a sake expert. He just picked up one of the more expensive bottles that still barely fit his prince range.
A woman whom Jin assumes to be Kame’s mother walks up to them. “Hello,” she says to Jin with a polite smile. Kame’s father looks at her meaningfully and grunts.
“He’s Kazuya’s friend. What did you say your name was?” he asks again. Jin licks his lip.
“Akanishi Jin. I’m his boyfriend,” he declares, deciding to be straightforward from the beginning. “Nice to meet you. Your dress looks lovely,” he flatters Kame’s mother, hoping that it will improve his standing.
It doesn’t. Kame’s mother looks at her husband worriedly. He gives her the bottle Jin brought them.
“Why don’t we have some tea?” he says, turning to look at Jin again. “Since you’ve come all the way.”
The sad thing is, Jin doesn’t feel like he really wants to. Jin came here with a purpose, though, so he doesn’t refuse the offer. He’s going to have to abuse their hospitality a bit longer. “That’d be nice,” he tells them and smiles at Kame’s mother who tries to smile back, but the attempt falters somewhat.
Kame clearly hadn’t been imagining things when he’d said that his parents don’t approve of his relationships.
“The kitchen is this way,” Kame’s father says matter-of-factly and starts walking towards it, leading his wife with his hand gently on her back. Jin doesn’t think they’re bad people per se - the family house is lovely and there are numerous photographs framed on the wall, depicting the shared years of a family of six.
“I wanted to meet you,” Jin musters up the courage to speak after he sits down on the chair Kame’s mother pulls out for him. Kame’s father is eyeing him warily from across the room with his arms crossed across his chest whilst his wife rushes to prepare the tea. Jin feels like he’s walking on very thin ice. He’s not welcome here, not under these circumstances. His throat feels tight. “Talk to you about this,” he breathes nervously.
“Do we have a say in this?” Kame’s father cuts in angrily, his eyes flaming. Jin blinks stupidly and curls his toes to achieve a false sensation of protection. “If we do, leave our son alone. Stop tarnishing him. He’s a good son. He doesn’t need you to put his life in disorder.”
Coldness seeps into Jin’s veins. The faucet is running, harsh and loud in the silence as Kame’s mother fills the teapot. Jin’s hands curl into fists on his thighs.
Jin has never liked hostility very much.
“I love your son,” he proclaims with a steady voice. Kame’s mother’s skirt flutters at the motion of her turning around, leaning against the counter with a heavy breath. There’s a vein threatening to burst on Kame’s father’s temple. Jin wonders if he’ll get driven out soon. “I’m a man, I know. But I don’t see how that should withdraw my right to feel this way-”
“Homosexuality is frowned upon,” Kame’s mother speaks up mournfully. “It’s wrong. We don’t want to put our son through that pain. We cannot support you, even if your feelings are true,” she apologizes. “Please understand.”
“But your son is in pain!” When did his voice rise like that? His palms are sweating and he feels so desperate. He tries to calm himself, count to three slowly. “He’s in pain,” he repeats with a calmer tone. “He’s so afraid to love he’s missing out on it.”
“Kazuya has a good life,” Kame’s father snaps at Jin coldly. “He has a good job. He’s respected and liked. Only a self-centred asshole would take that away from him. He’s a good man, he can find love and get married. This is just a phase.”
Jin is offended, but struggles not to show it too much. The pleased look in Kame’s father’s eyes tells him that he’s being completely transparent again, though. It makes him feel breathless and powerless.
He didn’t want to come here to pick up a fight.
“And if it’s not a phase?” he asks the man stubbornly, lips strained anxiously. “What if he isn’t happy now? What if I could make him happy?”
“Some people should raise their sons better…” Kame’s mother mutters with a high pitched noise and pulls on her hair, stressed. Jin bites his lip but doesn’t turn his eyes away from Kame’s father.
He’s not welcome here, and he won’t ever be. It sinks in slowly but clearly. He’s been naïve, thinking that he can make these people see the good he can bring, even if it takes years. These are the kind of people who will frown upon him for an eternity if possible.
No wonder Kame has such a bad complex about being openly gay and in a relationship. If Jin came from a family like this, maybe he’d be a bit more reserved himself.
“Get out of my house,” Kame’s father finally tells him after the long silence. His voice is firm and absolute. Jin stands up slowly. He doesn’t want to show that he’s intimidated.
He’s better than these people, he knows that. He’s going to leave this place with his head held high, because he’s right and these people are wrong. He glares at Kame’s father before giving the woman a polite bow.
“Thank you for making the effort to make some tea,” he tells her with a calm voice. “I hope you can enjoy it.”
She looks hurt and angry. These people know that they can’t stop him and Kame dating if that’s what they want to do. Maybe their lack of power is what makes them so angry.
Jin doesn’t understand it. He doesn’t feel like he’s ever had all that much power. Acquiring it has never felt necessary. He rides the waves, nice and smooth, and sometimes the wind changes direction and blows him away with it. Searching for control and acceptance only makes life dull.
He doesn’t want his love to be dull. He wants Kame to give him that vibrant smile that makes the blood in his veins buzz hotly each and every time. He’s never felt like that before him and he sure as hell isn’t going to give him up now that he’s found him.
“Thank you for-” he starts speaking at the door but Kame’s father slams it shut right after he steps out. Jin turns around to face the closed door. The old woman next door is watering her rose bush and ogling at him curiously. Jin gives her a polite bow before he hurries away, desperate to escape the vibe of being unwelcome.
When he turns to look back, he can see Kame’s father hug his wife through the kitchen window. Jin might never come back, but honestly - he doesn’t mind. What makes him sad is that Kame will walk through that door time and time again and let his parents criticise him and bring him down every time for something that is natural and beautiful in the most spectacular way.
It’s impossible to save him from that, but oh god, he wishes he could.
-3-
Jin looks out through the train window. It’s dark and his own reflection in the bright cabin is reflected at him, obscuring his view of the passing fields of nothingness. He doesn’t really mind. For some reason he feels like seeing the view wouldn’t make him feel awestruck or even serene in any way.
His friends are sleeping. One of them is still sitting up. His head is resting against the cabin’s wall. The other one’s lying down, his head on the other friend’s lap. They’re planning to get off before him. It’s alright - his trip doesn’t have to be tied to their plans. No shackles around his feet.
Jin pulls out his mobile phone and dials his mother’s number before getting back to staring at his own exhausted reflection. For a while he wonders if his mother’s going to answer. He hasn’t talked to her in way too long. He was never good at staying in contact, but lately he’s felt out of touch even with those around him.
“Jin, sweetheart, I’ve been worried!” his mother answers the phone. Jin smiles tiredly and lets her voice soothe him. When he closes his eyes for the tiniest moment, he’s back at his childhood home.
“Hi mum. I’m fine. Going up to Eastern Europe with some guys,” he tells her helpfully. “How are things there?”
“We’re good. Peachy,” his mother tells him. “Your dad’s the same old grunt as always. He’s taking me to Okinawa next weekend so we’ll get a bit of relaxation.” She sounds happy about it. Kame’s laughing rings in Jin’s ears, accompanied by the sound of waves. There’s dried sand on Kame’s skin and he’s talking about something enthusiastically, but Jin can’t hear what he’s saying. He can’t remember. It’s been a long time. Kame looked so happy and relaxed at the beach.
“Sounds nice. He could use a break.”
“He could,” his mother agrees. “I’ll make sure to get him a professional massage, his shoulders have been acting up again. Oh, and Reio got engaged.”
“What?” Jin asked, shocked. “You’ve got to be kidding me. Did he? Who is it, Yuri? Why didn’t you call me?”
“Yuri, yes, and you were so busy, sweetheart, he said he’d tell you but I think he’s stressing out about you not coming to his wedding with all the travelling, he’s being a bit funny about it.”
“Of course I’m coming,” Jin snorts. “Just tell me when and I’ll be there. I wouldn’t miss my baby brother’s wedding! You make me sound so bad.”
His mother laughs briskly. “Then give your brother a call, won’t you? If you can’t afford your tickets back, I’m sure your father will help you, it’s a family event after all.”
“I should be fine, I’ll try to do some work off the records,” he tells his mother. “I’ll let you know if I have problems, but I’ve still got some savings left. When is the wedding?”
He can hear some rattling - his mother’s probably making herself a cup of coffee in the kitchen. Jin closes his eyes and smiles at the memory. Even after all these years, his mother’s the same woman she’s always been.
“Yuri would like a spring wedding,” his mother fills him in. “Just family and a few good friends, that kind of thing. They don’t have the exact dates down yet, I’ll let you know when it’s sorted out.”
Jin hums and nods before he realises that his mother can’t see the gesture anyway. It’s been years since he last visited Japan during springtime. He quite looks forward to it.
“I’ll call Reio later. Do you think he needs a helping hand before the wedding? I could come a bit early.”
“Silly boy,” his mother laughs at him with a bullying tone. “Like us women would let you guys get anywhere near wedding plans.”
Jin laughs. “Alright, I get it, no need to rub it in!”
“Oh, and I haven’t told you! I bumped into Kazuya a few weeks ago,” his mother suddenly exclaims energetically. Jin’s heart jumps painfully at his throat. “He looked like he was going through some rough times so I invited him home for a cup of tea.”
Kame talking to his mum. Kame having tea with his mum at his parents’ house. They haven’t been in contact at all, he hasn’t heard anything from Kame yet…
It hurts. Jin draws in a shaky breath and thinks about the man.
“How is he?” he asks, feeling a bit hopeless. He’s thought that he’d never hear about the man again yet there he is, stepping in again. Jin wonders if he misses him. Even if he does, he obviously doesn’t miss him enough for it to matter.
“Like I said, he was going through some rough time. Looked like he hadn’t gotten a good night’s sleep for months. I recommended some pills for him, you know the ones your dad takes? Very effective.” His mum, looking after Kame. Having tea with Kame. He misses him relentlessly and feels like it’s hard to breathe yet there he’s been, having tea with his mum.
“Jin?”
“I’m here,” he sighs and rubs his eyes. “Sorry. It’s a bit late so I’m tired… I didn’t want to call at an inconvenient time for you, so…”
“I don’t mind, you can call me anytime. So polite,” his mother scoffs. Jin chuckles and pulls his knee against his chest comfortingly. It’s warm inside the train. He wonders how warm it’ll be when he gets off.
“So you recommended him sleeping pills,” he croaks quietly, clinging to his mother’s words like a bedtime story. “What else?”
“Oh, nothing much, it’s been a few weeks so I can’t remember a lot,” his mother chatters. “Oh yes, I made him look at a few sketches I have for the new line of dog accessories, he’s got a good eye for style, that man. I should have gotten his number and asked him to walk the dogs sometime, it can be really relaxing and he seemed to have missed them. Then I showed him some of your albums-”
“My what?” Jin gasps, eyes opening wide. He hadn’t seen…? His hands were shaking. “Which ones?”
His mother laughs. “Don’t worry, I don’t think he looked at that one with Malta when you were twenty.” Jin blushes in horror - the album in question is filled with really awkward drunken pictures and he’d had ridiculous blond streaks in his hair back then. He’d thought that he was so cool. All these years later most of the pictures he’s been taking are just embarrassing. It isn’t that album he’s worried about, though.
“Which ones did he see, mum?”
“We flipped through Italy, France and Australia, I think. And Sweden. Then your father called and I left the room for a while. He left pretty soon afterwards, work stuff, I think.”
“Mum, you can’t just leave him with my stuff!”
“He’s a gentleman, he wouldn’t have harmed them in any way.”
“It’s not that,” Jin groans quietly, his voice breaking a bit. “I have an album with… I have an album for our pictures, okay? It’s embarrassing. We broke up so it’s really embarrassing if…” He licks his lips. Ah. Kame had used to do that a lot. He throws his head back, feeling like he’s about to catch a cold or something. “I don’t want him to see that.”
His mother goes quiet for a while. “Another adventure, huh,” she says, sounding apologetic. Not only apologetic, though. Worried. Jin’s mouth feels a bit dry. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know about that.”
Jin snarls. “You’re my mum, you aren’t supposed to know about that.”
His mother hums to the phone, deciding not to tease him for once. She probably understands that it’s a touchy topic. She knows him inside out, which feels a bit ridiculous since he’s never home. He has a simple personality, though, one that hasn’t changed in years. He’s the same old Jin he’s been when he was five, or ten, or fifteen. The same old Jin his mother has always known.
“Has he called you at all?” she asks him softly. Jin’s silence is enough of an answer. She sighs. “It’s quite sad. You both seem so lonely.”
“I’m not lonely,” he insists. He doesn’t want his mother to worry and really, it’s been a long time. He should be getting over it. Not getting over it is perhaps one of the loneliest things about it. Waking up in the morning and feeling disappointed when the fresh scent of lemon from Kame’s shampoo doesn’t assault his nose sucks.
“I think he quit the program,” his mother tells him with a serious voice. “Your father said he had a pretty quick leave. He hasn’t been on for a couple of weeks now. I thought he might have called you.”
Quit the program? That kind of hurt. Kame had pretty much broken up with him because of that damn sports program. He’d quit the fucking program and he hadn’t even called Jin. He’d had tea with his mother and he’d quit being a newscaster and he hadn’t even given Jin a call.
“Well, he hasn’t called,” he tells his mother with an upset voice. “So.”
Jin’s mother sighs at the end of the line. “It’s a shame,” she says. “He was a lovely man.”
“He was,” Jin agrees. “Too bad we’re both so difficult.”
“Stubborn little mules,” his mother snorts. “Well, it happens. Don’t let it discourage you, a little heartbreak is a part of life.”
Jin kind of wants to groan at her that his heartbreak isn’t exactly a tiny one, but in the end he decides to keep that information to himself. A lot of things had happened between him and Kame all of those years ago, both good and bad. When he thinks about it, he can’t help but agree that it just wasn’t meant to be. The odds had never been in their favour.
“Tell dad I said hi, won’t you?” Jin tells his mother. “I’ll call him one of these days.”
“Don’t forget to call Reio!” his mother reminds him. “You shouldn’t disappoint your little brother.”
“I won’t,” Jin laughs as an overwhelming exhaustion creeps up on him. “Love you. Bye.”
“Bye, sweetie.”
Jin rolls his eyes as he hangs up. He looks at the window again, faced with his own morose expression. Stupidly enough, it starts raining and fat droplets skitter across the glass. For once Jin doesn’t feel like following their race as he stares into his own tired eyes.
Tea. With his mum.
He can’t ever get rid of the man, can he?
No, his heart consoles him guiltily. Some things stay forever.
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | Ficlets
Beta: pinkeuphoria1
Pairing: Kame/Jin
Rating: R
Genre: AU, Romance
Notes: The title is actually Swedish and means "home". There are tiny bits of Swedish in the fic - if you click the bits, it'll link you to the translations. Also, people who actually speak fluent Swedish, feel free to correct me if I've made mistakes!
On another important note, this fic has THREE TIMELINES. They're numbered in chronological order. I wanted to try it in order to make the whole thing feel a bit more organic. I hope it isn't too confusing.
Ahh, this fic has been a work in progress for over a year now - I have NEVER before managed to finish something that took me so long! Achievement unlocked~ I hope you guys enjoy it, I've put a lot of work into it :D
Word count: 33,500
Summary: Up until now, Jin has been unable to take root anywhere due to his feet being constantly swept off by the never-ending road. When he finds love back at his homeland, he's slowly forced to realise that living a fulfilling life doesn't come easily when complex human emotions are involved and love demands its sacrifices.
-3-
It’s strange, the things people do for love.
Jin lets his eyes slide closed. Wetness runs down his cheeks, a few pearly tears drawing uneven lines before they break contact with his skin at the chin and right after the swell of his cheekbone. The familiar scent of lemon creeps up his nostrils and Jin resists the urge to burrow his face deeper in the gradually curling auburn locks of Kame’s hair. He feels a bit detached, like this wouldn’t actually be happening, yet for some reason his senses are impossibly heightened, carefully imprinting this moment in his memory.
His naked ankle brushes faintly against the rough fabric of his navy luggage which sits on the floor in front of him. The friction burns, but Jin’s neck feels chilly because the wetness of Kame’s tears steals heat from his body. Kame’s presence is comforting, the toned arms that are wrapped around him and the warmth that seeps into Jin, making him feel feverish.
The oxygen isn’t quite becoming one with him.
“It’ll get better now,” he promises Kame, voice dry, low and so, so hurt. Just for a brief moment Kame’s fist tightens its hold on Jin’s cotton hoodie but then his fingers uncurl and withdraw. They curl again, just a little, grasping air instead of Jin, and then the other hand is gone too, shakily pressed against the mattress.
Kame stares at him, his wet, short lashes glued into tiny bundles. His reddened eyes have an almost blank look in them and the skin around them is swollen and blotchy. The callused skin of Jin’s thumb swiftly brushes away some of the wetness and Kame’s hand rises up to rest over it. Jin watches as a lone tear falls from his lowered eyes and hits the mattress with a barely audible thud, creating a slightly darker spot on the fabric.
He doesn’t want to go. A deep and shaky breath finally makes it into his system. He doesn’t want to go.
When he withdraws his hand from Kame’s face and feels the contact between them slide away, it all becomes real somehow. The anxious tightness in his chest, the last packed bag on the floor, all the others already carried in the car. The one-way ticket to Barcelona carefully slipped inside his worn leather wallet.
Kame’s trying to get a hold of himself. He draws in a deep breath and looks up, lips tightly pressed together. Jin gets up on his feet and makes a lame attempt to wipe the wetness away from his neck. Once he succeeds in grasping a hold of the handle of his luggage and straightening up, he looks back at Kame whose face is morphed into something that is probably trying to be a smile. Jin can’t swallow down the lump that gathers in his throat.
“Now go and make someone else happy,” Kame tells him quietly, his voice thick and soft. Jin nods and tightens his hold of his bag like it’s the only thing anchoring him anywhere anymore.
“Bye,” he croaks and turns around awkwardly, stumbling a bit with his steps. With this, it’ll be over. There are so many things Jin has planned to say, but he can’t. They’re just little fantasies dancing at the tip of his tongue. This is reality.
He looks back over his shoulder at the doorframe. The person who looks back at him is frail and shaky, but Jin thinks he looks like he’s gotten a heavy weight off his shoulders. He bites back the desperate pleads, flashes Kame an awkward, shaky grin and waves his hand. “Hejdå, min kära.”
Kame draws in a shaky breath and his eyes glisten. Still, he smiles, just a little, weak but beautiful. “Bye bye.”
Jin’s smile grows a bit surer. “Good luck,” he wishes the man in all honestly and licks his lip, a nervous gesture he picked up from Kame at some point along the road. I love you gets caught up in his throat.
“Likewise,” Kame wishes him off. Jin’s gaze falters as he turns his head around, facing his direction as head-on as he possibly can, trying to shed the helplessly clingy love off his skin.
And off he goes.
-1-
Fate is a fickle thing that has never played much of a role in Jin’s adventurous life.
At the supposedly mature age of thirty, he is a multifaceted man who has lost track of the ground under his feet. His mother has quite accurately informed all of their family friends that he’s been swept off by the road, perhaps never to stay still long enough to take root anywhere. He’s got a nearly limitlessly curious mind and his helplessly gluttonous eyes are best satisfied by long journeys into inlands, liberating sails across the salty oceans, physically exhausting hikes far up to snow-topped mountains and encounters with people representing an unimaginable myriad of cultures. Jin, she claims, is some kind of a rare winged creature they could never really keep caged, even as a toddler.
In order for something truly meaningful to take place in his life, like fate, Jin thinks, he should have an anchor set somewhere. He should have a place, or maybe a person, which he could orbit around, unable to resist the gravitational pull. Much to his dismay, there hasn’t ever really been anything that would match the criteria. For the majority of his life he’s had no regrets - how could he, when he’s been fortunate enough to see the gondolas sliding across the waters in Venice, roads curve very much like real-life rollercoasters in San Francisco, pyramids stand firmly in the hot and sandy lands of Egypt and The Great Wall of China snake between lush green trees as far as his eyes can possibly follow it?
Then again, everyone has their regrets. His rise like bile in his mouth every time his mother or father remind him that the fortunate genes he’s inherited from them aren’t going to get him very far if he lets finding a lifetime partner wait for a decade or few longer. His younger brother Reio goes steady with girls every now and then whereas Jin only finds himself in flings that are fun but never anything even remotely consistent. True romance is something that makes him feel uneasy, kind of like he would be walking in someone else’s shoes with a silly, polka-dotted bow around his neck. What exactly is it that he shyly yearns for, well, that’s one of life’s big mysteries.
An even bigger mystery is how on earth do his dates always turn out to be disastrous, even though he’s been completely confident about them before they’ve taken place? He’s heard the typical warning speeches of people pretending to be what they aren’t online, but there has to be a limit to the shocking revelations, he thinks. Yet somehow there isn’t.
“Your life sounds so interesting,” a rather young woman coos at him cutely, her head tilted and fingers pressed together. Jin smiles awkwardly and nods, a hint of a blush creeping onto his cheeks. “I love watching Amazing Race, you know. I’ve never travelled outside of Asia but it sounds so cool.”
“It is,” Jin mumbles nervously and cuts a piece off his quickly disappearing apple pie slice with his tiny dessert fork. “Although Asia has many interesting places too. Even just Japan. It’s… nice.”
“Strange for you to say that, having travelled to so many places,” the woman, Terawaki Kairi, laughs. Her voice is bubbly, all kinds of young and funny, but Jin doesn’t quite like the cold and judgmental spike in her eyes that she seems to desperately attempt to cover up. “So what brings you to Japan? Are you staying for long?”
“I don’t really know,” Jin shrugs and draws in a deep breath to calm himself down under her scrutinizing stare. “Um. I kind of live at my parents’ house now,” he admits truthfully. “My mum talked me over into staying for a while. Trying to meet people. Marriage stuff, you know. Since… it’s kind of… time.”
“You’re thirty, right?” Terawaki asks, although it’s not really a question because she clearly already knows the answer. “It’s a wonder no one’s snatched you already. You’re such a sweetheart, I could eat you up,” she smirks and winks at him. It doesn’t make him feel any calmer.
“Terawaki…”
“We’ve been at this for twenty minutes already. Call me Kairi,” she insists, and in almost anywhere else around the world that would be totally alright, but here in Japan it feels borderline creepy. Jin wonders if he’s a fly caught in a web in the worst kind of interpretation of the imagery.
“Terawaki,” he insists, trying to put some distance between them. The raspberry cheesecake he bought her sits on the table barely touched. His chest feels a little tight and all of a sudden he’s at a loss of words and his date is staring at him expectantly with arched eyebrows. His mouth goes dry. “You… Umm…”
She’s smiling at him, somehow strong and overwhelming like a woman who knows exactly what she’s looking for. It’s not really what Jin was expecting - while they chatted online he had somehow gotten the vibe that they were both pretty shy about this whole thing. He hadn’t felt very pressured after understanding that they both would be in the same dire situation during this date, but now she’s turned out to be something very different and Jin isn’t convinced that he’s what she’s searching for.
“So… you write music? Like, on a professional level?” she enquires, her eyes sparkling in admiration. Jin’s thumb finds its way to the bridge of his nose to nervously scratch an itch that isn’t really there.
“Yeah. But right now I work as a cashier. I do a bit of this and that to get by.”
“I think it’s romantic. Writing songs,” his date continues on. Jin has a feeling that she’s completely ignoring his humble attempts to highlight the reality of his world. “I’m a bit of a hopeless romantic. It makes me quite easy sometimes. I mean, if you’d write a song for me, I’d be all yours.”
Jin almost chokes on his coffee. Oh god. Terawaki is being way too pushy and eager.
“Just putting it out there,” she singsongs and taps her neatly polished nails against the porcelain of her café au lait cup. Jin bites his lower lip and can’t bear to look at her. He doesn’t really know how to escape from his date.
“You know, this isn’t really-”
“Is it you, Akanishi?!” a loud and brisk voice speaks behind him. Jin turns his head around just as a strong hand slams on his shoulder. He jumps a little so that his knees hit the table and some of his date’s coffee spills from the cup. She cries out a little before covering the little puddle with a handful of napkins. Jin stares at his assaulter and can’t recall him even if his life depended on it.
The auburn-haired man winks at him playfully with a crooked smirk on his face. “It’s been ages! I think, what, ten years?”
Huh?
“Excuse me-”
“Kamenashi Kazuya,” the man introduces himself and politely offers his hand to Terawaki. “We knew each other in high school.” They didn’t, that much Jin is sure of as he warily studies the man’s quirky face. They definitely didn’t. But if they didn’t…
Ah. His knight in shining armour. The man’s trying to save his sorry ass from his dangerously clingy date.
“Kame!” he yelps and wraps his arm around the man’s midsection. It’s a good thing that physical things like this aren’t too strange for him after all of his travels. He can do this. “What’s up? Wow, it’s been long-”
“Hey, I’m off to a business trip tomorrow, but I’d love to catch up with you. Little birds have sung that you’ve gotten married. How’s your wife?”
Oh crap. Jin’s eyes flash to his dumbfounded date in panic. She’s speechless, her eyes wide like a deer’s. This wasn’t exactly the way he had meant to go about this.
The next thing his brains process is that he’s got the thankfully cooled remainders of his date’s coffee splashed on him. After furiously pulling her coat and handbag in her arms, she gets up loudly, her chair scraping the floor and heels clanking as she makes her way out in protest. Jin gasps. Everyone is staring at them and whispering disapprovingly while the auburn-haired stranger kneels next to him in order to keep a low profile and snatches a few napkins to dry Jin’s face with. Jin rises up on his feet unsteadily, still in shock. The man beside him snorts in amusement and tugs on his sleeve. “Time to get out of here, I think,” he whispers to him playfully. Jin nods and lets himself get dragged to the streets.
“Ah, shit. My shirt,” he curses, suddenly very self-conscious about his soiled baby blue button-up shirt. His blazer does nothing to cover up the stains. The man strips his black jacket off and hands it over to Jin.
“I might’ve overdone it,” he admits apologetically. “I couldn’t help myself. During the last ten minutes your expression was quite memorable. I’m surprised she wasn’t taking the hint. No, keep it,” he grunts at Jin as he tries to push the jacket back in the man’s hands, finally realising that there isn’t really a good reason for him to hold it. “I owe it to you. It’s not that big of a deal.”
“Oh,” Jin mumbles awkwardly and pushes his hands through the sleeves. It’s quite tight and must look silly, but he manages to make the zipper go up and hide his stained shirt. “Thanks.”
The man brushes him off with an embarrassed smirk and throws his bag over his shoulder. “No problem. Well, I wish you better luck with your future dates,” he mumbles and bows his head slightly. Jin imitates him and grins awkwardly.
“I might need that.”
When the man laughs, his cheeks rise and eyes become tiny crescents. “Well, I’m off. Have a good day.”
“You too,” Jin returns the courtesy. The man doesn’t look back as he disappears into the crowd and leaves Jin wondering how to kill a few hours before going home so that his mother won’t decapitate him for ditching his date so soon.
It takes him a few days to notice that the jacket has a Louis Vuitton tag on it.
-2-
Summertime sneaks up on Jin whilst his soles are still resting on Japanese soil. “Take a picture, take a picture,” Kame insists and pushes his camera in Jin’s hands before hurrying a bit ahead to stand in front of Sunabe Seawall - a low but long concrete wall with colourful graffiti tags all over it. Jin chuckles and turns the camera on.
“Strike a pose!” he yells at the man. Kame kneels on the level of the wall and makes a peace sign. Jin snaps a picture. “Got it!”
Kame hurries back to him, takes the waterproof film camera from his hand. “Ahh, I can’t wait to see these,” he chatters happily and snaps a picture of Jin’s face. Jin swats him off him gently.
“Save some film for the corals, won’t you? I want pictures!” he whines. “I’ve never been diving before.”
“Liar,” Kame snorts. “Even I’ve been diving!”
“Seriously!”
Kame drops the camera back in his tote bag, looking amused. Jin looks beyond the concrete wall to the sea and sees the coastline curving into vision with buildings and all. It’s strange, getting so far away from Tokyo together. It’s not like he would’ve stayed still - whenever Kame’s had to travel for work, he’s hopped on a train to go and briefly check out another city somewhere within the country’s borders. Having Kame by his side, though, makes this all so different. Okinawa’s hotter, brighter and far more enchanting than he remembers it being.
It comes as a surprise to Jin how easy it is to enjoy a trip with Kame even if they’re completely different types of travellers. What Jin usually does is blend in with the locals - he chats up a few new friends and lets them take him right into the heart of his destination. He follows their lead and tries to do everything without feeling too silly. Kame, on another hand, is a typical tourist. His tote bag is armed with his tourist gear - a camera, sunscreen, several travel guides and scheduled plans of what big tourist attractions he wants to check out. He has his way of making it all fun, though - he’s ridiculously into things and although he keeps sighing and staring in awe and pointing at things, it doesn’t annoy Jin the slightest. Maybe it’s because Kame enjoys it, or maybe it’s because Jin enjoys Kame. It’s hard to tell.
Kame looks so silly in his bright yellow rimmed goggles and fins that Jin has a hard time staying focused when their guide gives them instructions and warnings. He’s got the main points down, he thinks, and he’s paranoid enough to stick close to someone in case there’s trouble with the oxygen supply and all - he doesn’t really feel ready to pass to the other side just yet. He feels his skin tingling excitedly as he looks at the blue water that’s bound to be prettier below the surface.
Kame elbows him and gives him a little glare. “Listen, it’s important,” he whispers. Jin presses his lips together, knowing that Kame’s right. It’s not really his fault that focus has always been one of his weak points, though. He’s too excited to just stand and listen. It makes him feel fidgety and impatient.
A guide helps him put the breathing gear on properly. Kame doesn’t have any problems with his - he’s paid attention, after all, and this isn’t his first time doing scuba diving. Kame, the eternal perfectionist and worrywart, keeps an eye on him.
As silly as Kame looks, Jin can’t help but check him out a little in the skin-hugging black wetsuit.
After their bodies crash through the surface tension of the water, the world changes and Jin is way too taken by the odd pressure, silence and adventure to pay attention to Kame at all. The visibility underwater is excellent, and although they were told that diving at this specific port doesn’t let you go very deep, Jin is a bit intimidated by the surface slowly being further and further above them.
It takes him a long while to let the anxiety pass. The sound of his own breathing is ridiculously loud and all the water around him makes him aware of just how important his oxygen tank really is. The first sea snake he sees makes him squeamish but once he relaxes, he gets really into staring at the colourful corals up close and spotting cool-looking fish.
The stone around him is eroded with tiny holes all over it and the places the group swims through are seriously cool and unlike anything Jin’s seen on the ground. Kame swims next to him with a playful look in his eyes and hugs him close for a picture. Jin snorts, producing massive bubbles, so Kame has to take another photo just in case he ruined the first one. Then he’s off again, catching up to the others while Jin tries to stay the fuck away from another one of those ugly snakes. Then his eye catches one of those Nemo fish or whatever they were called hiding in the coral and he forgets about the snake completely.
For dinner they enjoy local cuisine at some modest looking place because Kame’s first choice had been simply just too full. Jin prefers it this way - Kame’s paying for a lot of things during the trip because he really wants to do things and can afford it without a problem, but this place is actually within Jin’s own price range so he insists on paying for the entire meal. It takes Jin a while to make Kame agree to it - when ordinary convincing fails him, he gets a little risky and whispers lots of dirty innuendos at Kame who gives in just to shut him up. It’s his win anyway.
Back at the hotel, Kame fucks him among the bed sheets, twisting around everything Jin had previously teased him about and then drags him along to a bubble bath in a tub that’s clearly too small for two grown men.
“I think I want to go shopping tomorrow,” Kame hums beneath Jin, rubbing Jin’s belly leisurely and making him ticklish. “For a while at least. Hmm…”
“Don’t fall asleep,” Jin teases him and turns his head to press a flimsy kiss on Kame’s temple. Kame laughs warmly and squeezes him a bit tighter. Kame shakes his head but lets his eyelids slide closed in relaxation. “I’m serious…” Jin snorts but sighs nonetheless, enjoying the warm water and the rosy aroma of the soap.
“Promise…”
“Is it your shoulders? Want me to massage you?” Jin offers. Kame shakes his head, smiling.
“I’m good. It’s too cramped to get comfy like that…” Kame presses a tiny peck on Jin’s wet shoulder and then grimaces a bit, opening his eyes. “I think I just ate some bubbles. They don’t taste as good as they smell.”
“You don’t say?” Jin chuckles and wraps his arms over Kame’s, caressing his hands gently underwater. “I’ve been eating them a lot. Ew.”
“Too cramped, huh,” Kame laughs hoarsely. “Sorry.”
“Nah, it’s fine,” Jin insists although his muscles are starting to object. He’s enjoying this. Some discomfort is worth putting up with.
They don’t talk for a while. Jin keeps rubbing Kame’s hands underwater. His knees are cold above the waterline.
“I told my mum,” he confesses to Kame quietly and feels the man’s fingers twitch. “I don’t really have secrets with her. I think she’s told the rest of my family. I just thought you should know… It’d be nice if you came over someday. She’d love to meet you.”
Kame pushes him up a bit. After the hot water, the air feels like ice, prickling on his skin. Jin grimaces and hears the bathtub squeaking when Kame straightens up.
“I thought we agreed to keep this private,” Kame reminds him calmly. It’s not that he sounds angry or even disappointed, just… wary. It’s not the worst case scenario or anything. Jin shrugs and twists his torso to see Kame’s face.
“I know. I’m not telling the world about this or anything,” he tells Kame seriously. “Just my family for now. They’re really cool about it, my family’s chill. They understand the situation.” He sucks on his lips. “Yamapi knew I had a crush on you. I think he’s figured us out by now, he keeps teasing me about it. He’s cool too, so don’t worry.”
“I’m not worrying,” Kame insists grudgingly. He is, though, Jin can see that. “I just want to keep this private. It’s not personal. You know that my work doesn’t really tolerate homosexuality, especially if it’s public knowledge.”
“This is private,” Jin insists softly but firmly. “It’s just that there are people I don’t want to hide this from forever. People I can trust.” He licks his lips. “I don’t think I’m just a source of entertainment for you.”
Kame looks so damn worried that it’s almost insulting. Then again, it’s just Kame. He’s always been too careful to know what’s truly best for him.
“It’s been a few months,” Jin continues softly and turns around properly, climbing on Kame’s lap. Some of the water splashes out of the tub and onto the floor. “It’s fine, right? It’s not like we’d be holding hands, hugging or kissing in public. This is private.”
Kame sighs, looking exhausted again. “I know. I just don’t want the word to get out.”
“It won’t,” Jin assures him. “Trust me.”
Kame licks his lips slowly and finds Jin’s hands. He enlaces their fingers and tilts his head, looking up at Jin tiredly.
“Just don’t expect this introduction thing to go both ways,” he says awkwardly. “My parents don’t approve, so. I’d rather keep them out of this.”
Jin pouts. “Like, homophobic or what?”
“That,” Kame laughs breathlessly. He doesn’t sound happy at all. “Just… understand that, alright? This really is private for me. You can maybe see a couple of friends but that’s it. I don’t want to be open about this, it’s too much stress.”
“I get it,” Jin promises and kisses Kame with a small smile. “Private.”
“Private,” Kame repeats with a hum and lets go of Jin’s hands to wrap them around his lower back. “Remember that.”
“Don’t worry,” Jin chuckles, thinking about it. “I get private.”
It makes him feel sad, though. Not the fact that Kame wants to keep things personal - the fact that he feels so damn judged about it that he’s obviously scared of letting anyone know. That out of all the people in the world that he could rely on, he only trusts a select few and feels hunted by the others.
Maybe it wouldn’t hurt Kame to try a little harder to let others love him for who he is.
-3-
The evening wind is warm and Jin’s shirt clings awkwardly to his skin. There’s a rusted metallic railing on the balcony that he leans against and sighs, trying to find peace. The warm colours that paint the sky orange at the horizon and pale blue high up are worthy of a postcard picture. The sound of prayer from the nearest mosque echoes, bounces off the walls of the red-roofed buildings down below him. He draws in a deep breath and basks in the beauty of Istanbul.
“Will you go and see The Blue Mosque tomorrow?” his friend from years ago asks him with a raised voice, leaning against the doorframe. A bird on the roof spreads its wings and takes off, travelling across the skies. Jin follows it with his eyes.
“I might,” he answers slowly, pondering. His friend hums in acknowledgement and steps onto the dusty tiles of the balcony, his feet bare. Jin smiles at him briefly as the loud sound of the prayer dies away. The dark-haired man digs a cigarette package from his pocket and offers Jin one. He carefully accepts the offer.
“Does Turkey not meet your expectations?” his friend enquires, head tilted and a playful smile dancing on his lips. Jin lets out a smoky laughter.
“It’s beautiful,” he speaks, voiced laced with respectful awe, but there’s hollowness in his voice that he can’t quite cover up. “So much to see.”
“And experience,” Mehmet adds fondly. He’s a man with roots - he’s got a beautiful wife and two children, the oldest of which will start school next autumn. Jin takes a deep drag from the cigarette and scratches his nose absently. He shouldn’t feel like this. “This country is full of love. Love for Allah. Love for family. Love for Turkey. Perhaps even a little love for danger.” There’s a playful sparkle in Mehmet’s eyes. “Yet it seems that your heart isn’t here to welcome it.”
“Is it not?” Jin laughs, afraid to admit it to himself. Mehmet’s hand pats his shoulder encouragingly. There’s a sad look in his eyes, as if he knows more than he actually does. Then again, Jin has always been quite see-through. There was never much need for pretence. He doesn’t find honour in it.
“I assume you will have tea with us,” Mehmet sighs. “The kids are quite fond of your stories of the world.”
“I’ll be there,” Jin promises. The night is creeping up on them. Streetlights light up below them in hues of yellow and blue. “Just needed some fresh air.”
“Turkey is here to offer you a chance to delve into its culture while you stay,” Mehmet laughs throatily, his voice raspy from all the cigarettes he’s smoked during his lifetime. “Let us hope it will offer you a bandage over your heart.”
Jin butts the cigarette in the ashtray and clicks his tongue in disbelief. There’s no bandage that would stick to his heart and protect it from the bacteria that nest at the infected depths of his wounds. Kame’s lack of presence is gnawing on him, and there isn’t a medicine strong enough to wash him away.
“Let us hope,” he answers and steps back into the spicily scented living room.
-1-
Jin’s gluing photographs of his trip to New Zealand on a thick leather bound book. He and his friends in emerald forests with vines that cover up the surface of the tree barks, helping out to trim countless numbers of sheep of a local farmer and dripping sea water on a turquoise beach. There are so many bright smiles and so much tanned skin under a blinding sun.
“It’s so strange to have you home,” his mother sighs from the doorway, swiftly polishing her silverware with a cloth. “That table’s gotten a bit small for you.”
“You’re delusional, mum, I stopped growing years ago,” Jin groans without looking up. He sticks another photograph neatly in place. His mother laughs and walks in, peering at the photos curiously.
“You haven’t stopped aging, though. You’re starting to get wrinkles,” she teases him and pinches his cheek, making him whimper in pain. “Oh, that’s such a pretty beach. You think we should go too when your father retires?”
Jin smiles up at her as she sets the silverware and the cloth on his desk. “Hmm. You might like it. I could think of a few places that you’d probably be more impressed with, though.”
“Of course you could,” his mother sighs and pats his shoulder. Her hand stays there, fingers gently wrapping around Jin’s flesh. “How’s the apartment coming along?”
Jin turns back to the photo album. He’s still got a thick stash of photographs to glue in, after all. This might take the entire evening, not that he minds. “Yamapi found me this guy that rents pretty cheap places. I’m going to meet him tomorrow. I should be able to move out in a couple of weeks.”
“How’s the rent?” his mother worries, lets go of his shoulder and picks up the photographs from the table. She starts flipping through them curiously. “Do you need help with it?”
“Mum, I’m not a kid anymore,” Jin whines at her. “I can handle it, I have a job. And I met this guy at a pub yesterday, his band would be interested in a few of my songs. They’re not very big so it’s not much but still.”
“You’re such a lucky kid, somehow everything always falls in place with you,” his mother mumbles and hands him the next photo of the stack to glue. “It makes me worry.”
Jin bursts into laughter. “Mum, that’s supposed to make you feel relieved!”
“I know, but it’s too easy! Life isn’t supposed to be that easy,” she laughs back. Her hand brushes the jacket hanging on the back of his chair, realising its existence for the first time. “This is new,” she notes. Jin twists his body to see what she’s talking about.
“Ah, yeah. I ran into this guy who… umm… got coffee all over me. He gave it to me. He didn’t leave me any of his contact information so I can’t return it…” The guy had told him to keep it, though, but it was too far out of his price range to keep comfortably. Besides, it wasn’t even his size. All he’d gotten was a name, though, and it might not even be the man’s real name, so… There wasn’t really much he could do, not in a big city like Tokyo.
“Louis Vuitton!” Jin’s mother gasps, looking a bit star struck. “And someone just gave it to you!?”
Jin grimaces. “I know. It’s strange. Maybe he was rich or something.”
“He must have been, these are ridiculously expensive!” Jin’s mother keeps going on, brushing the material with her finger. “God, this thing is a quality product.”
Jin shrugs. “It’s too small for me.”
“Hmm, it could fit Reio,” she says and checks the size. “Yes, this should definitely fit Reio.”
Jin laughs. “Trust you to give it to Reio when I could just sell it and get a bit of cash!”
“It’d be such a shame to sell it,” his mother whines. “Just feel the fabric, this thing is gorgeous. It looks like an ageless design too, this is worth keeping. Maybe if you lose a bit of weight you’ll get it back one day.” She ruffles his hair. Jin blushes scarlet.
“My weight is fine…”
“Of course it is, darling. You’re fleshy, people like that on a man. What I’m saying is that you could maybe work out a tiny bit more and set down the beer, it’s giving you a beer belly.”
“You’re awful,” Jin groans and glares at his mother. “You’re my mum!”
“Which is exactly why I should advice you a little bit. You’re thirty and you’re still single, Jin. What I’m saying is that your father and I would feel a little more comfortable if you had some kind of a safety net.” She folds the jacket and hangs it on her arm. Yeah, that thing is definitely going to Reio, no matter what Jin says. He doesn’t really have a good reason to argue, though. It’s fine.
“I’m trying, mum,” he answers. “I just don’t want to make a big mistake.”
“Smart kid,” she praises him. “I gotta go back to the kitchen. Dinner will be ready in ten minutes so start finishing up.” She walks out of the room. Jin groans, throwing his head back. His desk is such a mess.
“WHAT DO WE HAVE FOR DINNER?” he yells after his mother.
“SUNDUBU JJIGAE!” his mother yells back at him. Not bad. Trust his mother to go for Korean - Jin’s convinced that he’s inherited her taste for spice. He chuckles a bit as he grabs the bottle of glue. He can take a little break from his journey books.
-2-
The house doesn’t look particularly special from the outside. Jin stands in front of it, squeezing a paper-wrapped bottle of sake in his hands, not quite sure what to do. The small yard is decorated with beautiful flowers and bushes that Jin can’t name since he’s never been good at that stuff. He gulps and starts walking towards the front door. It feels like the neighbours’ houses would be squeezing in even closer and closer than what they already are. There’s an old woman on the neighbour’s yard, giving him a long and curious look.
Jin rings the doorbell and straightens up his posture, aiming to look presentable.
He’s made up his mind and he isn’t going to run away now that he’s come this far. It’s not his responsibility to do this, but it feels important nonetheless. If there’s anything he can do to make Kame feel better about himself, he’s prepared to give it a shot. They just have to see.
A man with greying hair and fuzzy eyebrows opens the door and looks at Jin, who feels encouraged by the familiar features of the man’s physique. He bows his neck politely and straightens up.
“Mister Kamenashi?” he checks, just to be sure. The man nods.
“That’d be me. And you are?”
Jin hopes that his sweaty palms won’t stain the paper wrapping around the sake bottle. “Akanishi Jin,” he introduces himself. He’s not surprised when the name doesn’t seem to ring a bell. He can feel the eyes of the old woman on the neighbour’s yard at the back of his neck and remembers Kame’s insecurities. “I know your son,” he says, and hopes that the message gets across. He offers the bottle to the old man whose eyebrows scrunch together a little. He doesn’t look very pleased. “Can I come in?”
“Who is it?” a woman’s voice asks from inside, but Jin doesn’t dare to break eye contact with Kame’s father who’s starting to develop a rather cold and uninviting aura around him. Jin moves the bottle in his hand a little bit, starting to feel awkward holding it out like that.
The man takes his offer stiffly and makes way. Jin takes it as a good sign and bows a little again as he steps in. “Thank you,” Jin says, trying his best to stay on good behaviour.
He leaves his shoes at the entryway and hears Kame’s father removing the paper wrapper from around the bottle. When Jin straightens up, he’s examining it carefully. Jin feels pretty nervous - truth be told, he isn’t exactly a sake expert. He just picked up one of the more expensive bottles that still barely fit his prince range.
A woman whom Jin assumes to be Kame’s mother walks up to them. “Hello,” she says to Jin with a polite smile. Kame’s father looks at her meaningfully and grunts.
“He’s Kazuya’s friend. What did you say your name was?” he asks again. Jin licks his lip.
“Akanishi Jin. I’m his boyfriend,” he declares, deciding to be straightforward from the beginning. “Nice to meet you. Your dress looks lovely,” he flatters Kame’s mother, hoping that it will improve his standing.
It doesn’t. Kame’s mother looks at her husband worriedly. He gives her the bottle Jin brought them.
“Why don’t we have some tea?” he says, turning to look at Jin again. “Since you’ve come all the way.”
The sad thing is, Jin doesn’t feel like he really wants to. Jin came here with a purpose, though, so he doesn’t refuse the offer. He’s going to have to abuse their hospitality a bit longer. “That’d be nice,” he tells them and smiles at Kame’s mother who tries to smile back, but the attempt falters somewhat.
Kame clearly hadn’t been imagining things when he’d said that his parents don’t approve of his relationships.
“The kitchen is this way,” Kame’s father says matter-of-factly and starts walking towards it, leading his wife with his hand gently on her back. Jin doesn’t think they’re bad people per se - the family house is lovely and there are numerous photographs framed on the wall, depicting the shared years of a family of six.
“I wanted to meet you,” Jin musters up the courage to speak after he sits down on the chair Kame’s mother pulls out for him. Kame’s father is eyeing him warily from across the room with his arms crossed across his chest whilst his wife rushes to prepare the tea. Jin feels like he’s walking on very thin ice. He’s not welcome here, not under these circumstances. His throat feels tight. “Talk to you about this,” he breathes nervously.
“Do we have a say in this?” Kame’s father cuts in angrily, his eyes flaming. Jin blinks stupidly and curls his toes to achieve a false sensation of protection. “If we do, leave our son alone. Stop tarnishing him. He’s a good son. He doesn’t need you to put his life in disorder.”
Coldness seeps into Jin’s veins. The faucet is running, harsh and loud in the silence as Kame’s mother fills the teapot. Jin’s hands curl into fists on his thighs.
Jin has never liked hostility very much.
“I love your son,” he proclaims with a steady voice. Kame’s mother’s skirt flutters at the motion of her turning around, leaning against the counter with a heavy breath. There’s a vein threatening to burst on Kame’s father’s temple. Jin wonders if he’ll get driven out soon. “I’m a man, I know. But I don’t see how that should withdraw my right to feel this way-”
“Homosexuality is frowned upon,” Kame’s mother speaks up mournfully. “It’s wrong. We don’t want to put our son through that pain. We cannot support you, even if your feelings are true,” she apologizes. “Please understand.”
“But your son is in pain!” When did his voice rise like that? His palms are sweating and he feels so desperate. He tries to calm himself, count to three slowly. “He’s in pain,” he repeats with a calmer tone. “He’s so afraid to love he’s missing out on it.”
“Kazuya has a good life,” Kame’s father snaps at Jin coldly. “He has a good job. He’s respected and liked. Only a self-centred asshole would take that away from him. He’s a good man, he can find love and get married. This is just a phase.”
Jin is offended, but struggles not to show it too much. The pleased look in Kame’s father’s eyes tells him that he’s being completely transparent again, though. It makes him feel breathless and powerless.
He didn’t want to come here to pick up a fight.
“And if it’s not a phase?” he asks the man stubbornly, lips strained anxiously. “What if he isn’t happy now? What if I could make him happy?”
“Some people should raise their sons better…” Kame’s mother mutters with a high pitched noise and pulls on her hair, stressed. Jin bites his lip but doesn’t turn his eyes away from Kame’s father.
He’s not welcome here, and he won’t ever be. It sinks in slowly but clearly. He’s been naïve, thinking that he can make these people see the good he can bring, even if it takes years. These are the kind of people who will frown upon him for an eternity if possible.
No wonder Kame has such a bad complex about being openly gay and in a relationship. If Jin came from a family like this, maybe he’d be a bit more reserved himself.
“Get out of my house,” Kame’s father finally tells him after the long silence. His voice is firm and absolute. Jin stands up slowly. He doesn’t want to show that he’s intimidated.
He’s better than these people, he knows that. He’s going to leave this place with his head held high, because he’s right and these people are wrong. He glares at Kame’s father before giving the woman a polite bow.
“Thank you for making the effort to make some tea,” he tells her with a calm voice. “I hope you can enjoy it.”
She looks hurt and angry. These people know that they can’t stop him and Kame dating if that’s what they want to do. Maybe their lack of power is what makes them so angry.
Jin doesn’t understand it. He doesn’t feel like he’s ever had all that much power. Acquiring it has never felt necessary. He rides the waves, nice and smooth, and sometimes the wind changes direction and blows him away with it. Searching for control and acceptance only makes life dull.
He doesn’t want his love to be dull. He wants Kame to give him that vibrant smile that makes the blood in his veins buzz hotly each and every time. He’s never felt like that before him and he sure as hell isn’t going to give him up now that he’s found him.
“Thank you for-” he starts speaking at the door but Kame’s father slams it shut right after he steps out. Jin turns around to face the closed door. The old woman next door is watering her rose bush and ogling at him curiously. Jin gives her a polite bow before he hurries away, desperate to escape the vibe of being unwelcome.
When he turns to look back, he can see Kame’s father hug his wife through the kitchen window. Jin might never come back, but honestly - he doesn’t mind. What makes him sad is that Kame will walk through that door time and time again and let his parents criticise him and bring him down every time for something that is natural and beautiful in the most spectacular way.
It’s impossible to save him from that, but oh god, he wishes he could.
-3-
Jin looks out through the train window. It’s dark and his own reflection in the bright cabin is reflected at him, obscuring his view of the passing fields of nothingness. He doesn’t really mind. For some reason he feels like seeing the view wouldn’t make him feel awestruck or even serene in any way.
His friends are sleeping. One of them is still sitting up. His head is resting against the cabin’s wall. The other one’s lying down, his head on the other friend’s lap. They’re planning to get off before him. It’s alright - his trip doesn’t have to be tied to their plans. No shackles around his feet.
Jin pulls out his mobile phone and dials his mother’s number before getting back to staring at his own exhausted reflection. For a while he wonders if his mother’s going to answer. He hasn’t talked to her in way too long. He was never good at staying in contact, but lately he’s felt out of touch even with those around him.
“Jin, sweetheart, I’ve been worried!” his mother answers the phone. Jin smiles tiredly and lets her voice soothe him. When he closes his eyes for the tiniest moment, he’s back at his childhood home.
“Hi mum. I’m fine. Going up to Eastern Europe with some guys,” he tells her helpfully. “How are things there?”
“We’re good. Peachy,” his mother tells him. “Your dad’s the same old grunt as always. He’s taking me to Okinawa next weekend so we’ll get a bit of relaxation.” She sounds happy about it. Kame’s laughing rings in Jin’s ears, accompanied by the sound of waves. There’s dried sand on Kame’s skin and he’s talking about something enthusiastically, but Jin can’t hear what he’s saying. He can’t remember. It’s been a long time. Kame looked so happy and relaxed at the beach.
“Sounds nice. He could use a break.”
“He could,” his mother agrees. “I’ll make sure to get him a professional massage, his shoulders have been acting up again. Oh, and Reio got engaged.”
“What?” Jin asked, shocked. “You’ve got to be kidding me. Did he? Who is it, Yuri? Why didn’t you call me?”
“Yuri, yes, and you were so busy, sweetheart, he said he’d tell you but I think he’s stressing out about you not coming to his wedding with all the travelling, he’s being a bit funny about it.”
“Of course I’m coming,” Jin snorts. “Just tell me when and I’ll be there. I wouldn’t miss my baby brother’s wedding! You make me sound so bad.”
His mother laughs briskly. “Then give your brother a call, won’t you? If you can’t afford your tickets back, I’m sure your father will help you, it’s a family event after all.”
“I should be fine, I’ll try to do some work off the records,” he tells his mother. “I’ll let you know if I have problems, but I’ve still got some savings left. When is the wedding?”
He can hear some rattling - his mother’s probably making herself a cup of coffee in the kitchen. Jin closes his eyes and smiles at the memory. Even after all these years, his mother’s the same woman she’s always been.
“Yuri would like a spring wedding,” his mother fills him in. “Just family and a few good friends, that kind of thing. They don’t have the exact dates down yet, I’ll let you know when it’s sorted out.”
Jin hums and nods before he realises that his mother can’t see the gesture anyway. It’s been years since he last visited Japan during springtime. He quite looks forward to it.
“I’ll call Reio later. Do you think he needs a helping hand before the wedding? I could come a bit early.”
“Silly boy,” his mother laughs at him with a bullying tone. “Like us women would let you guys get anywhere near wedding plans.”
Jin laughs. “Alright, I get it, no need to rub it in!”
“Oh, and I haven’t told you! I bumped into Kazuya a few weeks ago,” his mother suddenly exclaims energetically. Jin’s heart jumps painfully at his throat. “He looked like he was going through some rough times so I invited him home for a cup of tea.”
Kame talking to his mum. Kame having tea with his mum at his parents’ house. They haven’t been in contact at all, he hasn’t heard anything from Kame yet…
It hurts. Jin draws in a shaky breath and thinks about the man.
“How is he?” he asks, feeling a bit hopeless. He’s thought that he’d never hear about the man again yet there he is, stepping in again. Jin wonders if he misses him. Even if he does, he obviously doesn’t miss him enough for it to matter.
“Like I said, he was going through some rough time. Looked like he hadn’t gotten a good night’s sleep for months. I recommended some pills for him, you know the ones your dad takes? Very effective.” His mum, looking after Kame. Having tea with Kame. He misses him relentlessly and feels like it’s hard to breathe yet there he’s been, having tea with his mum.
“Jin?”
“I’m here,” he sighs and rubs his eyes. “Sorry. It’s a bit late so I’m tired… I didn’t want to call at an inconvenient time for you, so…”
“I don’t mind, you can call me anytime. So polite,” his mother scoffs. Jin chuckles and pulls his knee against his chest comfortingly. It’s warm inside the train. He wonders how warm it’ll be when he gets off.
“So you recommended him sleeping pills,” he croaks quietly, clinging to his mother’s words like a bedtime story. “What else?”
“Oh, nothing much, it’s been a few weeks so I can’t remember a lot,” his mother chatters. “Oh yes, I made him look at a few sketches I have for the new line of dog accessories, he’s got a good eye for style, that man. I should have gotten his number and asked him to walk the dogs sometime, it can be really relaxing and he seemed to have missed them. Then I showed him some of your albums-”
“My what?” Jin gasps, eyes opening wide. He hadn’t seen…? His hands were shaking. “Which ones?”
His mother laughs. “Don’t worry, I don’t think he looked at that one with Malta when you were twenty.” Jin blushes in horror - the album in question is filled with really awkward drunken pictures and he’d had ridiculous blond streaks in his hair back then. He’d thought that he was so cool. All these years later most of the pictures he’s been taking are just embarrassing. It isn’t that album he’s worried about, though.
“Which ones did he see, mum?”
“We flipped through Italy, France and Australia, I think. And Sweden. Then your father called and I left the room for a while. He left pretty soon afterwards, work stuff, I think.”
“Mum, you can’t just leave him with my stuff!”
“He’s a gentleman, he wouldn’t have harmed them in any way.”
“It’s not that,” Jin groans quietly, his voice breaking a bit. “I have an album with… I have an album for our pictures, okay? It’s embarrassing. We broke up so it’s really embarrassing if…” He licks his lips. Ah. Kame had used to do that a lot. He throws his head back, feeling like he’s about to catch a cold or something. “I don’t want him to see that.”
His mother goes quiet for a while. “Another adventure, huh,” she says, sounding apologetic. Not only apologetic, though. Worried. Jin’s mouth feels a bit dry. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know about that.”
Jin snarls. “You’re my mum, you aren’t supposed to know about that.”
His mother hums to the phone, deciding not to tease him for once. She probably understands that it’s a touchy topic. She knows him inside out, which feels a bit ridiculous since he’s never home. He has a simple personality, though, one that hasn’t changed in years. He’s the same old Jin he’s been when he was five, or ten, or fifteen. The same old Jin his mother has always known.
“Has he called you at all?” she asks him softly. Jin’s silence is enough of an answer. She sighs. “It’s quite sad. You both seem so lonely.”
“I’m not lonely,” he insists. He doesn’t want his mother to worry and really, it’s been a long time. He should be getting over it. Not getting over it is perhaps one of the loneliest things about it. Waking up in the morning and feeling disappointed when the fresh scent of lemon from Kame’s shampoo doesn’t assault his nose sucks.
“I think he quit the program,” his mother tells him with a serious voice. “Your father said he had a pretty quick leave. He hasn’t been on for a couple of weeks now. I thought he might have called you.”
Quit the program? That kind of hurt. Kame had pretty much broken up with him because of that damn sports program. He’d quit the fucking program and he hadn’t even called Jin. He’d had tea with his mother and he’d quit being a newscaster and he hadn’t even given Jin a call.
“Well, he hasn’t called,” he tells his mother with an upset voice. “So.”
Jin’s mother sighs at the end of the line. “It’s a shame,” she says. “He was a lovely man.”
“He was,” Jin agrees. “Too bad we’re both so difficult.”
“Stubborn little mules,” his mother snorts. “Well, it happens. Don’t let it discourage you, a little heartbreak is a part of life.”
Jin kind of wants to groan at her that his heartbreak isn’t exactly a tiny one, but in the end he decides to keep that information to himself. A lot of things had happened between him and Kame all of those years ago, both good and bad. When he thinks about it, he can’t help but agree that it just wasn’t meant to be. The odds had never been in their favour.
“Tell dad I said hi, won’t you?” Jin tells his mother. “I’ll call him one of these days.”
“Don’t forget to call Reio!” his mother reminds him. “You shouldn’t disappoint your little brother.”
“I won’t,” Jin laughs as an overwhelming exhaustion creeps up on him. “Love you. Bye.”
“Bye, sweetie.”
Jin rolls his eyes as he hangs up. He looks at the window again, faced with his own morose expression. Stupidly enough, it starts raining and fat droplets skitter across the glass. For once Jin doesn’t feel like following their race as he stares into his own tired eyes.
Tea. With his mum.
He can’t ever get rid of the man, can he?
No, his heart consoles him guiltily. Some things stay forever.
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