Fic: Sailing Among the Clouds
Title: Sailing Among the Clouds
Beta: pinkeuphoria1
Pairing: Shuuji/Akira, some Akira/Nobuta
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Romance
Notes: Based on Proposal Daisakusen, although, um, this doesn't involve a wedding. This would've been my entry to this year's amigo_exchange but stuff happened. I've been a bit stressed out whether to post it or not because I wrote it while (still!) undergoing a rather horrible writer's block and... I think it's quite visible on most parts. After spending ages on completing this, though, I thought that it deserved to be posted, especially since I've been unable to finish writing anything else to post either. So. Here you go, have a treat!
Word count: 7,300
Summary: Ever since High School, Shuuji thought that he and Akira were the kind of people that would stick together forever like persistent super glue. In reality, though, their relationship has started shrivelling away. As Akira prepares himself to leave Japan in order to take over an Australian branch of his father's business, a rather quirky fairy steps in to give Shuuji an unbelievable chance to face his uncertainties and patch things up.
The farewell party takes place on the eleventh floor of a skyscraper that seems to go on forever and ever, piercing the faraway clouds that are travelling to the south. Shuuji stands outside of it with his hands stuffed inside the pockets of his second-hand suit, feeling intimidated by the endless height.
“S-sorry. T-the metro,” someone puffs behind him. Shuuji draws in a deep breath and collects himself before turning on his heels to see Nobuta running up the stairs. It’s time to go, now that he’s come this far. He can’t back away from this without seeming suspicious and damaging things more than he already has.
“We’re not that late,” he assures his friend and offers an arm to steady her - she looks a bit unsteady with her heels. “Don’t worry about it.”
The interior is classy and expensive - out of Shuuji’s humble comfort zone. He makes sure to stand straight in the elevator with a tiny fake smile on his lips. Nobuta doesn’t seem to buy his act. She squeezes his hand a bit harder for support.
She’s always been able to see right through him.
“You can always come and v-visit me in Tokyo, you know that, right? I d-don‘t mind,” she tells him quietly as the doors open to a corridor. Shuuji starts heading towards the party hall, determined not to show Nobuta exactly how unsettled he is by all of this.
“I know that,” he responds shortly and hopes that Nobuta won’t be anxious enough to stutter too much. She’s been getting better and better all these years, but whenever she’s put in an uncomfortable situation, her old nervous habits start resurfacing again.
It must be hard for her too. Shuuji shouldn’t be this selfish. He should be over those years.
Then again, maybe he never changed, after all. Old habits die hard.
All he has are regrets. He flashes a toothy smile to the waiter, who offers them tall glasses of champagne. The drink sparkles in the glass and Shuuji takes a long gulp, desperate to flush down all this horrible feelings.
He should’ve done something. All those years, and here they are. He had his chances, he had so many of them, yet he always fought against them like the spineless scared man he is. Maybe if he’d welcomed things, Akira wouldn’t be leaving. Maybe if he’d taken the risk and kissed him, he would’ve stayed forever.
Nobuta tugs at his hand and he snaps back to reality. She’s pulling him towards the end of the room, where there are less people. Shuuji follows her obediently, unable to quite understand when Nobuta took the leader’s role in their tiny little clique. Probably when Shuuji started blocking them out of his life, too caught up with his denial about reality.
He’s jealous of her, really. She’s a selfless heart who puts her friends before herself, much unlike Shuuji. No matter how much he tries, Shuuji wants to have it all… or at least pretend to have it all. He knows how the cookie crumbles, and he uses it to his advantage, manipulating others to shape his reality into something desirable.
When did it all become this undesirable?
He downs the glass of champagne, unable to meet Nobuta’s eyes. He knows that she’s probably figured it out already. It’s a shame he can’t ever get over it.
His eyes meet Akira’s across the hall. The world dissolves under his feet.
At the very end of it all, he’s going to be alone. This time Akira isn’t going to follow him. It’s time to grow up and face the harsh world.
Sometimes it is just simply too late.
“Kon kon,” Akira greets them familiarly and grins a bit awkwardly. Nobuta beams at him and gets a hug while Shuuji just stands there stiffly, not quite knowing how to react.
“Are you ever going to grow up?” he ends up chuckling teasingly. Akira pouts. Shuuji isn’t sure if he offended him.
“I guess that's exactly what I'm doing right now. Aaaaa, I'm so scaaaared,” Akira whines and squirms in his suit in a way Shuuji finds completely inappropriate for the event. It's alright, though, because he's with him and Nobuta, and they can be stupid like that, even after all these years.
It stings a bit though, that Akira leaving is him growing up. All Shuuji wants is to make him stay, but it's beyond him now. He never gave Akira a reason to hang around.
“I can't believe you're going,” Nobuta mumbles sadly.
“Australia isn't that far away. I'll try to visit you when I can,” Akira promises courteously and nods at the both of them. He looks more confident when he talks to Nobuta. When his eyes meet Shuuji's, Shuuji swears that both of them can feel the distance as a physical barrier.
It’s quite sad.
“We'll miss you,” he manages to choke out. Then he grins lopsidedly, trying to mask his anxiety. “Although I bet that life will be much easier without you running around creating trouble.”
“That's mean, Shuuji-kun,” Akira complains, looking a bit annoyed. “I'll find my ways to keep making your life difficult.”
Difficult indeed. Shuuji laughs and shifts his weight from one leg to another. There was no way that things weren't going to be difficult once Akira's plane would depart. Shuuji's feelings would probably rain down on him and crush him completely.
He was the biggest idiot on earth.
“I have to go, though. The speeches are soon and my dad wants me to be punctual,” Akira says and straightens up determinately. “I'll find you again later!”
“Go, go,” Shuuji urges him and elbows his side gently. “Try to look presentable.”
“Gotcha!” Akira beams at him before backing away rapidly with a big wave. When he disappears in the crowd, Shuuji turns his gaze to Nobuta who's making the old Nobuta power pose. He smiles at her sadly.
“I-I'm going to miss him,” Nobuta stutters. Shuuji wraps his arm around her shoulder and pulls her close.
“Me too,” he admits and spots Akira in the crowd, taking a seat at a long table, next to his father. “Like crazy.”
Shuuji slips into one of the bathroom stalls and closes the door behind him, desperate to flee the party. It’s too overwhelming - memories keep rushing back to him and he can see it all with his mind’s eye: Akira grinning, crying, pouting, raging, snickering, and just staring at him, desperately waiting for him to say something.
Akira looks so out of place with these suit-clad men. Why hadn't Shuuji ever taken that one step, that one leap of faith that he'd never be able to undo? Maybe then Akira would belong with him, with him and Nobuta, and nothing would hurt this way.
What on earth has he been doing these last few years?
It takes him a moment of trying to collect and force himself to calm the fuck down to realise that his hands are shaking and he's just... too tired of this. This party, Akira leaving, everything...
He draws in a shaky breath and swallows back his tears, angry at himself. Things could be different, he knows that. Akira would never agree to transfer to mother fucking Australia if Shuuji had just held on to him. He'd had his chances, and he'd wasted them all. He’d run away every time Akira had tried to take a step forward, and he’d never quite come back to him either.
No wonder his best friend was leaving. He’d been such an ass.
He buries his face in his hands and sits on the toilet seat with his thighs pressed against his chest. He’s never going to get Akira back anymore. It’s too late. It’s just too late.
He skims through the journal entries on his phone. A cry almost escapes his lips. Shit.
He feels utterly miserable. If he could go back in time, even just once, he would do things differently so that he wouldn’t have to sit here with a broken heart.
There’s a bright flash of light which startles Shuuji. Lamps? His heart pounds in his chest furiously. Someone else is walking in the bathroom. Shuuij makes a note to stay silent.
Or that’s the plan anyway, until there’s a brisk knock to the door of his bathroom stall. Shuuji freezes, staring at the tips of the dark shoes he can see from the crack under the door. Huh!?
”I know all that you’re taking there is an emotional dump, young lad. Let me in,” someone tells him determinately and tries the handle. What the hell?!
Shuuji decides that the best thing to do is act like he isn’t there. Maybe the stranger will go away. The situation is fucking creepy. Who on earth would consciously invade someone’s privacy like this?
The feet disappear. Shuuji lets out a silent sigh of relief. Whoa. Then the door to the next stall opens; suddenly a head pops over the wall that separates the stalls and a man stares down at him.
”Hello there. Playing hide-and-seek?”
Shuuji jumps up and drops his phone. He curses and picks it up again, makes sure that the screen didn’t crack and slips it in his pocket. ”Who are you?!” he yells in panic and backs away to the furthest corner from the man who’s looking at him with a playful smirk.
”That’s a very good question,” the man says thoughtfully and strokes his chin. ”The more appropriate question would be ’what are you’, though!”
”Huh?!” Shuuji groans stupidly. ”What do you mean by that…”
The guy hops and starts climbing over the wall. Shuuji listens to the creaking, horrified. ”Stop that! Stop!”
”It’s fine!” the man insists and hops in his stall. When he straightens up, his face is only centimetres away from Shuuji’s. What is this? What did the man mean with his previous statement…? Wait. Wait. This meeting isn’t going to turn into a rape, is it?
Shuuji shrieks and fumbles for the handle, backing away as fast as he can. When the door opens, he pathetically falls over on his butt. The man laughs and walks towards him. Shuuji keeps backing away on the floor, horrified.
”Stay away!”
”You’re very good at saying that, aren’t you?” the man hums and nods to himself. ”So good, in fact, that you’ve managed to make the only person you ever truly love turn his back to you.”
”What do you know?!” Shuuji cries and stumbles up on his feet. He sprints out of the bathroom, back to the crowd. He rudely pushes his way through, trying to get as far away from the strange man as possible.
It takes him a moment to realise that it’s way too quiet in the room. He stops to look around, appalled to see everyone completely frozen. What… What? He gulps and feels someone tapping his shoulder.
”Hello again,” the man from the bathroom greets and walks past him. Shuuji jumps back, colliding with another small table and knocking down a few champagne glasses.
”What is going on?” he panics and tries to find Nobuta with his gaze. The man spins around on his heels and smiles at him playfully.
”Fairy magic,” he answers. ”Which brings us to my point,” he continues rapidly before Shuuji even gets the chance to interrupt him. ”You are not a typical man.”
Shuuji grimaces. ”Of course I am,” he insists. The man, or fairy, grins at him and tilts his head, looking way too cheerful.
”Typical men cherish their male friends just as friends,” the man insists, making the blood freeze in Shuuji’s veins. How does he know so much of his private business?! He’s never told anyone! ”If anything, they fall in love with their female companions… especially ones as lovely as this lady.” The man taps Nobuta’s shoulder. Shuuji takes a step forward angrily.
”Don’t touch her!”
”Easy now,” the man laughs and raises his hands in the air. ”I’m not threatening you.”
”It sounds like it,” Shuuji insists, grinding his teeth. The man circles him, making him feel intimidated. ”…What?”
”You’re in love with your best male friend. That, dear boy, makes you quite unusual.”
Shuuji blushes scarlet.
”Can you stop poking fun at me? It’s futile anyway. He’s… Akira’s moving to Australia,” he mumbles bitterly and squirmed. The guy stops by his side. ”He’s probably going to marry that branch’s current leader’s daughter in a few years too. He’s… beyond my league.”
”And that’s where you are wrong,” the man sighs over exaggeratedly, wraps his arm around Shuuji’s shoulders and pulls him closer. Shuuji yelps helplessly. ”You keep making up all of these excuses about why you two shouldn’t be together. You’re both men, you’re best friends and you don’t want to ruin that, you come from different economic backgrounds, he’s moving away… Are you stupid?”
Blunt! Shuuji sulks. ”I’m not stupid,” he snarls. The man lets go of him and shrugs.
”If you aren’t, then you’re spineless,” he notes.
”Hey!”
”You play things too safe. Look where it’s got you,” the man lectures him loudly and snatches a shrimp from someone’s plate. ”Oh. These are good. But as I was saying…” Shuuji strains his ears to make out what the guy’s saying through all that chewing. ”All you do is sit here, stare at him longingly and wish that you could go back in time and fix your regrets. Utter out those three words and make this all change.”
That hurts. Shuuji pushes his hands in his pockets defensively. ”It’s none of your business.”
”But it hurts me to see people do that,” the man complains. ”I’m an empathetic being, you know. I can’t just ignore it.”
”Nothing you can do,” Shuuji groans and pokes one of the men who has turned into a statue. ”Whoa. Creepy. Am I dreaming?”
”No. You’re just in the near vicinity of a fairy,” the man says. Shuuji scoffs, disbelieving.
”Of course,” he says, trying to brush the man off. ”Has anyone ever told you that you talk too much?”
”…Yes,” the man sighs. ”Long story short, then?”
”I’d prefer that,” Shuuji admits with a nod, trying to urge himself to wake up. Maybe all of this is just a nightmare. Maybe.
”I will help you go back in time,” the man, or fairy, whatever he is, states dramatically. ”You’ll get to go back to a moment which you regret. I will give you a chance to change things, to spit out your feelings and change reality.” A warm smile spreads on his lips. ”If you really want to be with him, you’ll make good use of the chance. The work has to come from you. If you don’t change things, everything will stay the same.”
Shuuji narrows his eyes. ”That’s not possible,” he argues. ”You can’t actually just go back in time to change things. That’s just… pointless dreaming.”
The man grins at him. ”You can, if you have a fairy on your side.”
Shuuji stares at him for a while. Then he bursts into laughter. ”Your sense of humour is pretty cruel, you know. And I’ve had too much champagne…”
”Does time usually just stop like this?” the fairy challenges his logic strongly. ”Do you want to go back in time or add another regret on the list?”
”Of course I want to -”
”Good!” the fairy interrupts him and suddenly appears next to him, making him jump. It takes Shuuji a moment to realise that the fairy’s holding his phone and skimming through his journal file.
”Hey! Give it back! It’s… private!”
”Here,” the fairy says and puts the phone in Shuuji’s hand. Shuuji squints at the small text on the screen, blushing madly from embarrassment. ”If I gave you a chance to go and do this particular moment all over again… do you think you could change the way things are?”
He doesn’t know. His heart trembles at the idea as he stares at the words on the lit screen. …High school. He looks up at the stranger, trying to come up with something to say but there’s a lump in his throat that eats away his words.
”Yes or no?” the fairy insists. ”It’s up to you. This is a chance that you might never get again, a privilege many people would kill for. Are you enough of a man to break free from that safe shell you’ve been living in? To capture the man you’ve spent years dreaming of?”
It’s not that hard of a question.
”Yes,” he answers with a hoarse voice. ”Yeah.”
The fairy grins at him, exposing a white row of teeth. There’s a gleam in his eyes that makes Shuuji’s stomach drop. Something big is going to happen now, he realises. Something unimaginable and completely out of this world.
”There’s something you need to do. Then you’re good to go,” the fairy tells him and walks over again, munching on someone’s snack. He leans in to whisper in Shuuji’s ear, making Shuuji fidget uneasily. ”All you have to do is say ’Hallelujah chance’.”
Shuuji makes a disgusted face as he peers at the fairy unbelievingly. ”What? No way! That is so lame.”
”It’s my request.” The fairy pouts. ”Tit for tat. It’s a small price for what I’m about to give you.”
”You just want me to make a fool of myself,” Shuuji whines. The fairy smirks at him.
”Maybe.”
Shuuji rolls his shoulders, feeling incredibly self-conscious. It’s not like anyone’s going to see but… believing in something like this is stupid, isn’t it? It feels like a big joke that everyone’s playing on, but he can’t see why they would. He’s mostly been invisible in this party.
To hell with it. It doesn’t look like anyone’s really watching or listening to him anyway.
”Hallelujah… chance,” he mumbles. The fairy cups his ear and turns it towards him.
”Sorry. I don’t think I quite caught that.”
”I said Hallelujah chance!” Shuuji whines louder. The man grins at him.
”Put some feeling into it. You’re going to have to do harder things after this first step. You might as well get used to it.”
Shuuji grinds his teeth, feeling unbelievably edgy. This is ridiculous. It isn’t like it’s actually going to work. He’s just having a stupid dream, isn’t he?
”Hallelujah… chance!” he yells louder and does the old Nobuta Power pose. Then there’s a flash of blinding white light and the party hall vanishes from his sight in the blink of an eye.
Shuuji yelps helplessly and almost falls off his bike, startled by the sudden unsteadiness and movement. Huh!? He jumps off and stumbles forward, feeling physically shaken. His heart is pounding in his chest and…
Where’s the party? He looks around dumbly, but it’s morning and he’s walking on a street that looks quite familiar. How did he get here? Did he drink too much and…? No. It still wouldn’t explain this…
He glances at the bike again. It’s the old one he used in high school. He stares at it and starts patting his arms and body and… yeah, this is his old uniform that hasn’t hit him in years.
He glances up, hurrying forward. This can’t be real. He must have snapped completely, he must be hallucinating, because this can’t be true. He speeds up and almost runs, his eyes glued to the ceiling of a certain familiar building.
He won’t be there, he keeps telling himself anxiously as he runs. He rings his bike bell, feelings his hands shake.
There he is. Shuuji blinks at the sight of a slightly morose Akira’s head popping over the railing to peer down at him sullenly. He looks so young it almost makes him unrecognisable. Shuuji’s feels a pang in his chest.
He kisses his finger tips and makes the kon kon motion, eyes glued to Akira’s. Akira looks away, annoyed. Shuuji gulps, overwhelmed.
His conversation with the fairy comes back to him. Is he sleeping in the bathroom stall, or is he really here? Is this for real?
When Shuuji’s bike is safely parked and locked, he looks at Akira who’s holding the door open for him. His heart keeps skipping beats as he recalls what it felt like to discover what he truly felt for the classmate he used to hate the most. At this point, back in the past, he’d already fancied Akira for quite a while, through all the pain and uncertainty.
What he hadn’t known was that his resistance for those feelings would turn them into an ugly caricature of the friendship they shared at the beginning of it all.
“…What’s going on?” Akira finally asks him defensively and Shuuji returns to reality, or whatever this is. He gulps and pushes past his friend to step inside the small house.
“I’ve got to talk to you,” he says stiffly and leans against the wall of the tiny living room. Akira pouts as he crashes to sit down around the table and proceeds to pour himself some soy milk, avoiding Shuuji’s gaze.
“Could you at least pay attention to me?” Shuuji groans after a while. Akira looks up at him like he’s waiting for a lecture he doesn’t feel like getting.
He’s right to do that, though. In the past, that’s exactly what Shuuji had done. He just… Not this time. This might be just a strange hallucination and he might be on his way to some kind of a crazy institution, but just in case that’s not how things are, he’s scared of losing this chance. This crazy, irrational and simply impossible chance to turn things around and get what he wants.
It’s just… not exactly the best timing to try to get the boy who’s sitting in front of him. He grimaces and crosses his arms defensively.
This is awkward.
Akira slams the milk on the table, desperate to break the heavy silence. “I don’t want to produce her, okay? I don’t want others to have her,” he mumbles grumpily.
Great. He’d waited long enough for this conversation to be about Nobuta, after all.
“Then what would you do with her? Keep her to yourself, go out… No, wait, don’t answer that, after all.” Yeah, he didn’t need another scene of love struck, goofy Akira talking about marriage and stuff way before he should. Akira stared at him, confused.
Shuuji fidgets before he kneels down on the floor. He… has no idea what to say. He looks at Akira and the thing he was already so used to seeing, that little spark Akira has had for years when he’s looked at him just isn’t there. He licks his lips and looks away, anxious.
How can he possibly confess to Akira now, before the man even likes him back? At this point in time, Akira’s crazy about someone else entirely. Someone who’s going to reject him, yes, but it isn’t Shuuji, so does he even stand a chance?
“Do you think she’d like me back?” Akira asks him and sets his chin on the table miserably. Shuuji licks his lips. It’s not even about what he thinks. It’s about what he knows.
He takes in a deep breath. “Akira…”
“AHHHH, DON’T SAY IT, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT AFTER ALL,” Akira wails loudly, interrupting Shuuji’s desperate little attempt of speaking up. Shuuji’s heart is beating loud and fast and his palms are sweating. He feels like he’s forgotten how to speak. “It’s easy for you to say. Everyone likes Shuuji-kun,” he mumbles almost bitterly and hits his forehead on the table. Shuuji yanks him up, refusing to let his friend hurt himself.
“Don’t be ridiculous…”
“It’s true, tough,” Akira insists with a bitter pout. “You’re dating Uehara Mariko-”
“We’re not dating-”
“Everyone likes you,” Akira repeats with a mournful sigh and twists his mouth strangely.
Shuuji bites his lip. He isn’t sure how to argue with that, because he admittedly does get along with everyone. It isn’t exactly what Akira thinks, though. Not in his opinion.
“They don’t like the real me,” Shuuji mumbles and lowers his head, avoiding Akira’s gaze although the guy isn’t even looking at him. “They only like the show I put up. It’s not the same. It’s not like they like me, they just… like the person who treats them the way they want to be treated.”
“I want Nobuta to like me,” Akira wails and throws his head back. “I like her so much!”
Oh god, here we go.
“What are you, nine-”
“I like her so, so much!” Akira yells loudly and pouts again defiantly. “Shuuji, will you help me?” Akira turns his head to look at Shuuji with a hopeful look. Shuuji’s stomach drops.
“Huh!?”
“If Shuuji helps me, Nobuta will definitely-”
“I’m not a cupid!” Shuuji cries out. “I can’t just make her like you!”
“Shuuuujiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.”
There’s no way he can do this. Not in this situation. Not at all.
He stands up and Akira clings to his trousers. “Pleaaase, Shuuji-kun!”
“Look, I just don’t think she likes you as more than a friend,” he chokes out. “You just… You’ll find someone else, okay? Someone else out there definitely likes you.”
Akira grimaces. “I don’t want someone, I want her.”
Shuuji wants to hit himself, and while he’s at it, he kind of wants to punch Akira’s teeth in too. This is just too much. What is he even doing here? How on earth could he confess to Akira now, when his friend needs his support?
There’s no way he can do this. It’s just all wrong. The timing is wrong. This isn’t going to work out.
He can’t put himself before Akira.
“I know,” he sighs. “You want to marry her and stuff.”
“Huh!?” Akira splutters out in shock. He takes a few seconds to think about it before his eyes light up and a stupid toothy grin spreads on his face. “How did you know that?! Even I didn’t know that!”
“A lucky guess,” Shuuji sighs. “Look, I can’t help you. It’s beyond me.” He licks his lips and shrugs. “It’s not because you’d be stupid or unpleasant. It’s just the way it is. Some people like you and some don’t.”
Akira slumps against the wall miserably. “…I’m depressed.”
Shuuji rolls his eyes and kicks his friend’s leg gently. “You’ll get over it,” he promises. “You just have to keep your eyes open, you know. Someone definitely likes you.”
“You think so?” Akira asks hopefully.
Shuuji’s heart skips a bit.
“Definitely,” he says, and his voice sounds fonder that it should.
Akira smiles, and then there’s a bright light that blinds Shuuji although he tries to block it with his arms.
He’s back at the wedding hall. People are moving around and Akira is still chatting with his father, dressed up in a suit.
He’s failed.
Shuuji grimaces and backs away a bit. Nobuta happens to glance over her shoulder and spot him.
“Shuuji, you’re back,” she says with a relieved voice, probably disliking having so many unfamiliar people around her while she’s all alone.
“Yeah,” Shuuji croaks as an answer and walks to stand beside her. His heart is beating harshly. That… That had been real, unless he’d been hallucinating. He’s pretty sure it had been real.
He looks at Akira, feeling empty. He had got a chance to go back and confess when they were still in good terms but no, he had chickened out again. He takes in a shaky breath and Nobuta gives him a worried look. He ignores it, trying to play casual.
He can’t believe he’s just thrown away the once in a lifetime chance just like that. It’s ridiculous. If he would just get a chance, one final chance, he would definitely get a hold of himself and turn things around. He knew it was too late to think about that now, it’s just that he -
“So you didn’t confess,” the fairy notes behind him. Shuuji jumps around to see him and knocks a tiny round table over as he backs away. Oops. “You’re making this more difficult than it should be.”
“You don’t get to say that!” Shuuji whines. People around them are frozen again. He bites his lip and straightens up.
“So what did you come back for, to laugh at me? You think I’m not blaming myself enough already…”
“One more chance,” the fairy says and holds up his index finger. “One,” he emphasizes slowly. “You’re so miserable it’s making me lose my appetite.”
“It doesn’t look like it…” Shuuji mumbles as the fairy pops more snacks in his mouth and chews happily.
The fairy snatches Shuuji’s phone from his pocket and hurries away, browsing it while Shuuji runs after him.
“Give it back!” he whines. “It’s personal!”
“I need to know where I can toss you to, don’t I?” the fairy says, brushing him off. “Here,” he says and gives the phone back. Shuuji gives the screen a wary look before he turns his gaze back at the fairy. “You can’t use the excuse of it not being an appropriate timing. It is a perfect timing.”
“No, it isn’t,” Shuuji complains. “That’s just awkward.”
“No. That’s the chance to build your own love nest,” the fairy argues with a playful wink. “That’s the chance I’m giving you. Will you take up the challenge, or do I just have to leave?”
There’s no way he’ll miss this chance. There’s no way he’ll repeat his mistake. Shuuji is the kind of guy who learns from his mistakes - or at least that’s what he likes to think.
“Yeah.”
“Then you know what to do,” the fairy says with a toothy grin. Shuuji rolls his eyes but knows that resistance is futile.
Instead, he takes a deep breath, strikes a pose and yells “Hallelujah chance!”
“The window’s pretty nice, right?” Akira’s voice penetrates the air. Shuuji blinks and finds him with his gaze, confused. Akira is walking around a nearly empty kitchen and yes, there’s a window which is very nice. The view is fantastic - Shuuji can see the sea shore somewhere behind all the rooftops. The golden hour paints everything warm and lovely. He takes a step towards the window, feeling overwhelmed.
“Shuuji?”
“Yeah,” he realises he has to agree. He coughs to clear his throat. “It’s great.”
He realises he’s holding something and looks down. Oh… yeah. This ad. It has a blueprint of an apartment and some general information about rent and stuff.
He remembers this place.
Akira doesn’t look convinced. He keeps walking forward and opens the bedroom door before stepping in.
“I know it bothers you that there’s just one bedroom,” Akira sighs. “There’s still plenty of space inside the room. We can put our beds on either side of the room and divide it.”
“Yeah. Sounds good,” he mumbles and then he wants to just hit himself. At the moment the apartment still has the current tenant’s furniture, but they’re going to move it all away in a matter of days.
They’re here early, but that’s sometimes you have to do to get the deal.
Akira sits down on the double bed and looks around the room. It’s not particularly spacious - for two people it’s actually rather small, but if they only take with them what they really want and not all of their belongings, maybe they can make it work out. Besides, the apartment comes with a tiny storage place. They can always dump some stuff there.
When they’d contemplated moving here, his worst fear had been the bedroom. His friends had already been throwing jokes around about him and Akira fancying each other, and it hadn’t always been in a good way.
If he decides to take this place, if he confesses to Akira and makes this their first shared home, he might change other things for good too. This isn’t just about him and Akira. This is about his life.
Akira lies down on the bed with a heavy sigh. “If you don’t like it, we can just go and grab some lunch before we go to the next place,” he suggests. Shuuji blinks.
“Why would you say that?”
“It’s strange, but for once, Shuuji’s face says it all.”
Shuuji bites his lip. Yeah. He’s thinking too much and worrying too much. He should worry more about what’s going to happen if he doesn’t take this step. He should worry about Akira going to Australia and their friendship being so severed that he’s not sure it can take the distance.
He sits down on the bed too and squeezes the paper in his hand. His mouth is dry and he’s more self-conscious than he should be.
“It’s not that bad.”
Shuuji gulps and stares down at Akira. The look in the eyes that stare back at him is warm and adoring - something he’s about to lose in the future. He licks his lips, body rigid in anxiety.
If he does this, his entire life might change, he knows that. Maybe that’s why it’s so unbelievably difficult. Even if he takes the chance and something becomes of the two of them, he can’t be sure that it’s going to make them happy. He might royally fuck things up anyway.
”Do you like it or not?” Akira asks him, breaking the heavy silence. ”We can still keep looking if you want to.”
Shuuji breaks the eye contact and looks away, like the coward he is. He scans the room with his eyes, feeling uneasy.
This might be the only chance he’s ever going to get to turn things around. If he doesn’t do this… he’s going to regret it for the rest of his life. It’s just that he doesn’t know what to do.
He hesitantly searches for Akira’s hand with his and entwines their fingers. Akira raises his eyebrows. He looks like he’d be expecting some bad news such as Shuuji saying that moving in together is a bad idea after all, or that maybe they need some space. Shuuji’s chest feels uncomfortably tight. He tilts his head and licks his lips.
”It’s good,” he ends up saying simply. ”It’s really good.”
”Really!?” Akira cries out in relief and buries his face in his free hand. ”You’re so picky I thought we’d never find a place! God!”
”What? No, I’m not!” Shuuji argues and grimaces at Akira. ”That is not true!”
”It is!” Akira moans and closes his eyes. Then he starts mimicking Shuuji’s voice, badly. ”’The price is too high, the kitchen is too small, the bathroom is inconvenient, there aren’t enough windows, the view is bad, there isn’t enough closet space…’ I’m fine with it as long as it has a roof!”
Shuuji blushes scarlet. ”It’s a home!” he insists stubbornly. ”It’s… It’s our first place. My first place.”
Akira opens his eyes again and stares up at Shuuji. Shuuji awkwardly moves their hands, realising that his is sweating. He should… do this properly. His heart is beating anxiously and he isn’t sure how much time he has.
This might be his last chance. He’s the most spineless man on earth… he can’t trust things to be alright just by getting this place with Akira instead of the other one. If he can’t do this now, in the dire condition he’s in, he sure as hell won’t be able to do this as his past self.
He dips in and feels Akira’s breath on his face. Akira looks surprised but pleased… quite nervous too. He looks like he’s about to cover his face nervously and push him away but maybe he’s scared of breaking the moment and scaring Shuuji away again.
He’s never taken the initiative. Never. And when Akira has, he’s just brushed him off, too scared to grasp a hold of it.
He presses his lips on Akira’s and feels his heart jump to his throat. Akira’s eyelids slide closed and he tilts his chin forwards a bit to return the kiss. Shuuji gets more comfortable and climbs properly on the bed to snuggle closer. Akira grins widely and drapes his hands around Shuuji’s neck.
“I thought you’d never do that,” he whispers happily against Shuuji’s lips. Shuuji grimaces and holds Akira’s hand tighter.
“I had to,” he mumbles back. “Otherwise you’re going to leave me.”
Akira laughs and pouts at him. “Idiot Shuuji-kun,” he singsongs and pulls Shuuji closer. “Like I could ever leave you.”
Then they kiss again, and Shuuji chokes back a cry. If only Akira knew.
Shuuji gulps and glances around when the white light fades away. His stomach drops. Akira’s father is still holding his speech. Akira is staring at him, the look in his eyes sad and yearning.
No. Fuck no. Shuuji bites his lip and tastes blood. Nobuta looks up at him.
“Are you a-alright?” she spurts out, trying to hold his gaze. Shuuji nods stiffly, but he isn’t. If that didn’t make Akira stay… If even a kiss didn’t…
“I have to go,” he croaks and starts walking away. Nobuta rushes after him.
“Shuuji, where are you going?”
“I can’t do this,” Shuuji groans and pulls at his hair, pushing through the crowd that is giving him dirty looks. “I have to go. Tell him I’m sorry.”
“Go where?” Nobuta cries out and grabs a hold of the hem of his jacket. Shuuji ignores the elevator, unable to stand still, and opts to use the stairs. He feels like he’s going to explode. “Shuuji.”
“I love him, alright?!” Shuuji cries bitterly - and then the tears come. He buries his face in his sleeve. “I can’t do this. I can’t.”
“I know that it’s scary,” Nobuta sighs and pulls him into a hug. Shuuji keeps gulping, trying to force the tears to stop. He doesn’t cry in public, he just doesn’t, yet here he is, bawling like a fucking idiot. “You have to do this, okay?” she tells him quietly. “You’ll be fine.”
Maybe one day. Not now, though. Not today.
“Tell him I’m sorry,” he chokes out and breaks free, starting to hurry down. Nobuta doesn’t try to follow him any further. Shuuji feels awful about doing this to her, but he can’t deal with this right now. He just… can’t.
He storms out of the building, trying to wipe his face dry. Where now? First train home, probably. He almost gets run over by a car when he crosses the street, overwhelmed and careless. He leans against the concrete wall of the building, trying to collect himself.
He has to get the fuck away from here.
“Shuuji!” Akira’s voice echoes on the street. Shuuji stops and turns around. What…? Akira shouldn’t be here. Shuuji glances at his watch. The party is still going on.
There he is, though, jogging and pushing past people. It’s a bit surreal. Not completely illogical, though. They used to be best friends and are still relatively close. Shuuji understands it if Akira doesn’t want to leave without saying a proper goodbye.
He takes in a deep breath as Akira reaches him. The man is sweating like crazy and leaning forward to get support from his knees while he tries to calm his breathing. Shuuji licks his lips.
“You didn’t have to run. You could’ve called me,” Shuuji points out awkwardly. Akira extends one hand to grip Shuuji’s trousers.
“Where are you going?”
“Home?” Shuuji answers. “Sorry. I’m really tired.” Where was his home now, though? Was it the home he was used to, the place he’d decided to get while he was messing with the past or maybe even some other place? He wasn’t sure.
The cold evening breeze made him shiver.
“Nobuta told me you got cold feet,” Akira groans at him and pouts as he straightens up. “If you feel stressed, you have to talk to me, Shuuji-kun.”
The weight on Shuuji’s shoulders was pulling him down completely. At least they seemed to be in somewhat better terms nowadays. Things just… hadn’t worked out. It happened.
He drew in a shaky breath and stuffed his hands in his pockets. Akira started looking a bit pleading.
“I know you’re scared,” Akira tells him. “But it’s going to get easier, you know. You have me. You can always come back if it doesn‘t work out.”
“Come back?” Shuuji repeated with a confused grimace. “I have no idea what you’re -”
Akira crashed into him and gave him a tight hug. Huh? Huuuh!? Shuuji’s eyes widen. He had to be drawing some kind of wrong conclusions, just had to be…
“I’m going to Australia?” he asked with a weak whine. Akira, however, seemed to take it as a statement.
“Thank god!” the guy wailed and broke the hug. “You scared me, Shuuji~”
“EEEEH?!” Shuuji exclaimed loudly. No way! He wasn’t going to Australia! What would he even…?!
He dug out his wallet and there it was, a plane ticket for tonight. His knees buckled but Akira caught him, snatching the ticket away from him so that he wouldn’t panic and harm it.
“I love you, Shuuji-kun,” Akira told him through a pout. “I’m not saying that you have to come. You know you don’t have to. I would just really want you to come with me.”
Shuuji feels breathless. He melts completely, looks Akira in the eye and lets the warm feeling spread under his skin.
This is his once in a lifetime chance. After all those years, this is his chance to grasp this. He’s scared, possibly even terrified, and there are so many problems ahead, but if he can’t make Akira stay, this would be his wish number two.
All those years ago, Akira followed him when he had to move away with his family. Now, maybe, it is his turn to follow Akira.
“I’ll come with you,” he promises and throws his arm around Akira’s shoulder. “How could I possibly let you go alone.”
A wide smile spreads on Akira’s lips, slowly but unstoppably. He beams at Shuuji who takes it all in, as breathless and fluttery as he is.
“Then you can have your ticket back,” Akira tells him and hands the slip over. Shuuji takes it with a jerky nod.
“Kon kon,” Akira says and makes the familiar hand movement right in front of Shuuji’s face. Shuuji slaps his hand away gently and starts heading back to the building. Akira’s farewell party isn’t over yet.
The tiny peck Akira presses on his shoulder makes the streetlights seem much brighter than they are.
Beta: pinkeuphoria1
Pairing: Shuuji/Akira, some Akira/Nobuta
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Romance
Notes: Based on Proposal Daisakusen, although, um, this doesn't involve a wedding. This would've been my entry to this year's amigo_exchange but stuff happened. I've been a bit stressed out whether to post it or not because I wrote it while (still!) undergoing a rather horrible writer's block and... I think it's quite visible on most parts. After spending ages on completing this, though, I thought that it deserved to be posted, especially since I've been unable to finish writing anything else to post either. So. Here you go, have a treat!
Word count: 7,300
Summary: Ever since High School, Shuuji thought that he and Akira were the kind of people that would stick together forever like persistent super glue. In reality, though, their relationship has started shrivelling away. As Akira prepares himself to leave Japan in order to take over an Australian branch of his father's business, a rather quirky fairy steps in to give Shuuji an unbelievable chance to face his uncertainties and patch things up.
The farewell party takes place on the eleventh floor of a skyscraper that seems to go on forever and ever, piercing the faraway clouds that are travelling to the south. Shuuji stands outside of it with his hands stuffed inside the pockets of his second-hand suit, feeling intimidated by the endless height.
“S-sorry. T-the metro,” someone puffs behind him. Shuuji draws in a deep breath and collects himself before turning on his heels to see Nobuta running up the stairs. It’s time to go, now that he’s come this far. He can’t back away from this without seeming suspicious and damaging things more than he already has.
“We’re not that late,” he assures his friend and offers an arm to steady her - she looks a bit unsteady with her heels. “Don’t worry about it.”
The interior is classy and expensive - out of Shuuji’s humble comfort zone. He makes sure to stand straight in the elevator with a tiny fake smile on his lips. Nobuta doesn’t seem to buy his act. She squeezes his hand a bit harder for support.
She’s always been able to see right through him.
“You can always come and v-visit me in Tokyo, you know that, right? I d-don‘t mind,” she tells him quietly as the doors open to a corridor. Shuuji starts heading towards the party hall, determined not to show Nobuta exactly how unsettled he is by all of this.
“I know that,” he responds shortly and hopes that Nobuta won’t be anxious enough to stutter too much. She’s been getting better and better all these years, but whenever she’s put in an uncomfortable situation, her old nervous habits start resurfacing again.
It must be hard for her too. Shuuji shouldn’t be this selfish. He should be over those years.
Then again, maybe he never changed, after all. Old habits die hard.
All he has are regrets. He flashes a toothy smile to the waiter, who offers them tall glasses of champagne. The drink sparkles in the glass and Shuuji takes a long gulp, desperate to flush down all this horrible feelings.
He should’ve done something. All those years, and here they are. He had his chances, he had so many of them, yet he always fought against them like the spineless scared man he is. Maybe if he’d welcomed things, Akira wouldn’t be leaving. Maybe if he’d taken the risk and kissed him, he would’ve stayed forever.
Nobuta tugs at his hand and he snaps back to reality. She’s pulling him towards the end of the room, where there are less people. Shuuji follows her obediently, unable to quite understand when Nobuta took the leader’s role in their tiny little clique. Probably when Shuuji started blocking them out of his life, too caught up with his denial about reality.
He’s jealous of her, really. She’s a selfless heart who puts her friends before herself, much unlike Shuuji. No matter how much he tries, Shuuji wants to have it all… or at least pretend to have it all. He knows how the cookie crumbles, and he uses it to his advantage, manipulating others to shape his reality into something desirable.
When did it all become this undesirable?
He downs the glass of champagne, unable to meet Nobuta’s eyes. He knows that she’s probably figured it out already. It’s a shame he can’t ever get over it.
His eyes meet Akira’s across the hall. The world dissolves under his feet.
At the very end of it all, he’s going to be alone. This time Akira isn’t going to follow him. It’s time to grow up and face the harsh world.
Sometimes it is just simply too late.
“Kon kon,” Akira greets them familiarly and grins a bit awkwardly. Nobuta beams at him and gets a hug while Shuuji just stands there stiffly, not quite knowing how to react.
“Are you ever going to grow up?” he ends up chuckling teasingly. Akira pouts. Shuuji isn’t sure if he offended him.
“I guess that's exactly what I'm doing right now. Aaaaa, I'm so scaaaared,” Akira whines and squirms in his suit in a way Shuuji finds completely inappropriate for the event. It's alright, though, because he's with him and Nobuta, and they can be stupid like that, even after all these years.
It stings a bit though, that Akira leaving is him growing up. All Shuuji wants is to make him stay, but it's beyond him now. He never gave Akira a reason to hang around.
“I can't believe you're going,” Nobuta mumbles sadly.
“Australia isn't that far away. I'll try to visit you when I can,” Akira promises courteously and nods at the both of them. He looks more confident when he talks to Nobuta. When his eyes meet Shuuji's, Shuuji swears that both of them can feel the distance as a physical barrier.
It’s quite sad.
“We'll miss you,” he manages to choke out. Then he grins lopsidedly, trying to mask his anxiety. “Although I bet that life will be much easier without you running around creating trouble.”
“That's mean, Shuuji-kun,” Akira complains, looking a bit annoyed. “I'll find my ways to keep making your life difficult.”
Difficult indeed. Shuuji laughs and shifts his weight from one leg to another. There was no way that things weren't going to be difficult once Akira's plane would depart. Shuuji's feelings would probably rain down on him and crush him completely.
He was the biggest idiot on earth.
“I have to go, though. The speeches are soon and my dad wants me to be punctual,” Akira says and straightens up determinately. “I'll find you again later!”
“Go, go,” Shuuji urges him and elbows his side gently. “Try to look presentable.”
“Gotcha!” Akira beams at him before backing away rapidly with a big wave. When he disappears in the crowd, Shuuji turns his gaze to Nobuta who's making the old Nobuta power pose. He smiles at her sadly.
“I-I'm going to miss him,” Nobuta stutters. Shuuji wraps his arm around her shoulder and pulls her close.
“Me too,” he admits and spots Akira in the crowd, taking a seat at a long table, next to his father. “Like crazy.”
Shuuji slips into one of the bathroom stalls and closes the door behind him, desperate to flee the party. It’s too overwhelming - memories keep rushing back to him and he can see it all with his mind’s eye: Akira grinning, crying, pouting, raging, snickering, and just staring at him, desperately waiting for him to say something.
Akira looks so out of place with these suit-clad men. Why hadn't Shuuji ever taken that one step, that one leap of faith that he'd never be able to undo? Maybe then Akira would belong with him, with him and Nobuta, and nothing would hurt this way.
What on earth has he been doing these last few years?
It takes him a moment of trying to collect and force himself to calm the fuck down to realise that his hands are shaking and he's just... too tired of this. This party, Akira leaving, everything...
He draws in a shaky breath and swallows back his tears, angry at himself. Things could be different, he knows that. Akira would never agree to transfer to mother fucking Australia if Shuuji had just held on to him. He'd had his chances, and he'd wasted them all. He’d run away every time Akira had tried to take a step forward, and he’d never quite come back to him either.
No wonder his best friend was leaving. He’d been such an ass.
He buries his face in his hands and sits on the toilet seat with his thighs pressed against his chest. He’s never going to get Akira back anymore. It’s too late. It’s just too late.
He skims through the journal entries on his phone. A cry almost escapes his lips. Shit.
He feels utterly miserable. If he could go back in time, even just once, he would do things differently so that he wouldn’t have to sit here with a broken heart.
There’s a bright flash of light which startles Shuuji. Lamps? His heart pounds in his chest furiously. Someone else is walking in the bathroom. Shuuij makes a note to stay silent.
Or that’s the plan anyway, until there’s a brisk knock to the door of his bathroom stall. Shuuji freezes, staring at the tips of the dark shoes he can see from the crack under the door. Huh!?
”I know all that you’re taking there is an emotional dump, young lad. Let me in,” someone tells him determinately and tries the handle. What the hell?!
Shuuji decides that the best thing to do is act like he isn’t there. Maybe the stranger will go away. The situation is fucking creepy. Who on earth would consciously invade someone’s privacy like this?
The feet disappear. Shuuji lets out a silent sigh of relief. Whoa. Then the door to the next stall opens; suddenly a head pops over the wall that separates the stalls and a man stares down at him.
”Hello there. Playing hide-and-seek?”
Shuuji jumps up and drops his phone. He curses and picks it up again, makes sure that the screen didn’t crack and slips it in his pocket. ”Who are you?!” he yells in panic and backs away to the furthest corner from the man who’s looking at him with a playful smirk.
”That’s a very good question,” the man says thoughtfully and strokes his chin. ”The more appropriate question would be ’what are you’, though!”
”Huh?!” Shuuji groans stupidly. ”What do you mean by that…”
The guy hops and starts climbing over the wall. Shuuji listens to the creaking, horrified. ”Stop that! Stop!”
”It’s fine!” the man insists and hops in his stall. When he straightens up, his face is only centimetres away from Shuuji’s. What is this? What did the man mean with his previous statement…? Wait. Wait. This meeting isn’t going to turn into a rape, is it?
Shuuji shrieks and fumbles for the handle, backing away as fast as he can. When the door opens, he pathetically falls over on his butt. The man laughs and walks towards him. Shuuji keeps backing away on the floor, horrified.
”Stay away!”
”You’re very good at saying that, aren’t you?” the man hums and nods to himself. ”So good, in fact, that you’ve managed to make the only person you ever truly love turn his back to you.”
”What do you know?!” Shuuji cries and stumbles up on his feet. He sprints out of the bathroom, back to the crowd. He rudely pushes his way through, trying to get as far away from the strange man as possible.
It takes him a moment to realise that it’s way too quiet in the room. He stops to look around, appalled to see everyone completely frozen. What… What? He gulps and feels someone tapping his shoulder.
”Hello again,” the man from the bathroom greets and walks past him. Shuuji jumps back, colliding with another small table and knocking down a few champagne glasses.
”What is going on?” he panics and tries to find Nobuta with his gaze. The man spins around on his heels and smiles at him playfully.
”Fairy magic,” he answers. ”Which brings us to my point,” he continues rapidly before Shuuji even gets the chance to interrupt him. ”You are not a typical man.”
Shuuji grimaces. ”Of course I am,” he insists. The man, or fairy, grins at him and tilts his head, looking way too cheerful.
”Typical men cherish their male friends just as friends,” the man insists, making the blood freeze in Shuuji’s veins. How does he know so much of his private business?! He’s never told anyone! ”If anything, they fall in love with their female companions… especially ones as lovely as this lady.” The man taps Nobuta’s shoulder. Shuuji takes a step forward angrily.
”Don’t touch her!”
”Easy now,” the man laughs and raises his hands in the air. ”I’m not threatening you.”
”It sounds like it,” Shuuji insists, grinding his teeth. The man circles him, making him feel intimidated. ”…What?”
”You’re in love with your best male friend. That, dear boy, makes you quite unusual.”
Shuuji blushes scarlet.
”Can you stop poking fun at me? It’s futile anyway. He’s… Akira’s moving to Australia,” he mumbles bitterly and squirmed. The guy stops by his side. ”He’s probably going to marry that branch’s current leader’s daughter in a few years too. He’s… beyond my league.”
”And that’s where you are wrong,” the man sighs over exaggeratedly, wraps his arm around Shuuji’s shoulders and pulls him closer. Shuuji yelps helplessly. ”You keep making up all of these excuses about why you two shouldn’t be together. You’re both men, you’re best friends and you don’t want to ruin that, you come from different economic backgrounds, he’s moving away… Are you stupid?”
Blunt! Shuuji sulks. ”I’m not stupid,” he snarls. The man lets go of him and shrugs.
”If you aren’t, then you’re spineless,” he notes.
”Hey!”
”You play things too safe. Look where it’s got you,” the man lectures him loudly and snatches a shrimp from someone’s plate. ”Oh. These are good. But as I was saying…” Shuuji strains his ears to make out what the guy’s saying through all that chewing. ”All you do is sit here, stare at him longingly and wish that you could go back in time and fix your regrets. Utter out those three words and make this all change.”
That hurts. Shuuji pushes his hands in his pockets defensively. ”It’s none of your business.”
”But it hurts me to see people do that,” the man complains. ”I’m an empathetic being, you know. I can’t just ignore it.”
”Nothing you can do,” Shuuji groans and pokes one of the men who has turned into a statue. ”Whoa. Creepy. Am I dreaming?”
”No. You’re just in the near vicinity of a fairy,” the man says. Shuuji scoffs, disbelieving.
”Of course,” he says, trying to brush the man off. ”Has anyone ever told you that you talk too much?”
”…Yes,” the man sighs. ”Long story short, then?”
”I’d prefer that,” Shuuji admits with a nod, trying to urge himself to wake up. Maybe all of this is just a nightmare. Maybe.
”I will help you go back in time,” the man, or fairy, whatever he is, states dramatically. ”You’ll get to go back to a moment which you regret. I will give you a chance to change things, to spit out your feelings and change reality.” A warm smile spreads on his lips. ”If you really want to be with him, you’ll make good use of the chance. The work has to come from you. If you don’t change things, everything will stay the same.”
Shuuji narrows his eyes. ”That’s not possible,” he argues. ”You can’t actually just go back in time to change things. That’s just… pointless dreaming.”
The man grins at him. ”You can, if you have a fairy on your side.”
Shuuji stares at him for a while. Then he bursts into laughter. ”Your sense of humour is pretty cruel, you know. And I’ve had too much champagne…”
”Does time usually just stop like this?” the fairy challenges his logic strongly. ”Do you want to go back in time or add another regret on the list?”
”Of course I want to -”
”Good!” the fairy interrupts him and suddenly appears next to him, making him jump. It takes Shuuji a moment to realise that the fairy’s holding his phone and skimming through his journal file.
”Hey! Give it back! It’s… private!”
”Here,” the fairy says and puts the phone in Shuuji’s hand. Shuuji squints at the small text on the screen, blushing madly from embarrassment. ”If I gave you a chance to go and do this particular moment all over again… do you think you could change the way things are?”
He doesn’t know. His heart trembles at the idea as he stares at the words on the lit screen. …High school. He looks up at the stranger, trying to come up with something to say but there’s a lump in his throat that eats away his words.
”Yes or no?” the fairy insists. ”It’s up to you. This is a chance that you might never get again, a privilege many people would kill for. Are you enough of a man to break free from that safe shell you’ve been living in? To capture the man you’ve spent years dreaming of?”
It’s not that hard of a question.
”Yes,” he answers with a hoarse voice. ”Yeah.”
The fairy grins at him, exposing a white row of teeth. There’s a gleam in his eyes that makes Shuuji’s stomach drop. Something big is going to happen now, he realises. Something unimaginable and completely out of this world.
”There’s something you need to do. Then you’re good to go,” the fairy tells him and walks over again, munching on someone’s snack. He leans in to whisper in Shuuji’s ear, making Shuuji fidget uneasily. ”All you have to do is say ’Hallelujah chance’.”
Shuuji makes a disgusted face as he peers at the fairy unbelievingly. ”What? No way! That is so lame.”
”It’s my request.” The fairy pouts. ”Tit for tat. It’s a small price for what I’m about to give you.”
”You just want me to make a fool of myself,” Shuuji whines. The fairy smirks at him.
”Maybe.”
Shuuji rolls his shoulders, feeling incredibly self-conscious. It’s not like anyone’s going to see but… believing in something like this is stupid, isn’t it? It feels like a big joke that everyone’s playing on, but he can’t see why they would. He’s mostly been invisible in this party.
To hell with it. It doesn’t look like anyone’s really watching or listening to him anyway.
”Hallelujah… chance,” he mumbles. The fairy cups his ear and turns it towards him.
”Sorry. I don’t think I quite caught that.”
”I said Hallelujah chance!” Shuuji whines louder. The man grins at him.
”Put some feeling into it. You’re going to have to do harder things after this first step. You might as well get used to it.”
Shuuji grinds his teeth, feeling unbelievably edgy. This is ridiculous. It isn’t like it’s actually going to work. He’s just having a stupid dream, isn’t he?
”Hallelujah… chance!” he yells louder and does the old Nobuta Power pose. Then there’s a flash of blinding white light and the party hall vanishes from his sight in the blink of an eye.
Shuuji yelps helplessly and almost falls off his bike, startled by the sudden unsteadiness and movement. Huh!? He jumps off and stumbles forward, feeling physically shaken. His heart is pounding in his chest and…
Where’s the party? He looks around dumbly, but it’s morning and he’s walking on a street that looks quite familiar. How did he get here? Did he drink too much and…? No. It still wouldn’t explain this…
He glances at the bike again. It’s the old one he used in high school. He stares at it and starts patting his arms and body and… yeah, this is his old uniform that hasn’t hit him in years.
He glances up, hurrying forward. This can’t be real. He must have snapped completely, he must be hallucinating, because this can’t be true. He speeds up and almost runs, his eyes glued to the ceiling of a certain familiar building.
He won’t be there, he keeps telling himself anxiously as he runs. He rings his bike bell, feelings his hands shake.
There he is. Shuuji blinks at the sight of a slightly morose Akira’s head popping over the railing to peer down at him sullenly. He looks so young it almost makes him unrecognisable. Shuuji’s feels a pang in his chest.
He kisses his finger tips and makes the kon kon motion, eyes glued to Akira’s. Akira looks away, annoyed. Shuuji gulps, overwhelmed.
His conversation with the fairy comes back to him. Is he sleeping in the bathroom stall, or is he really here? Is this for real?
When Shuuji’s bike is safely parked and locked, he looks at Akira who’s holding the door open for him. His heart keeps skipping beats as he recalls what it felt like to discover what he truly felt for the classmate he used to hate the most. At this point, back in the past, he’d already fancied Akira for quite a while, through all the pain and uncertainty.
What he hadn’t known was that his resistance for those feelings would turn them into an ugly caricature of the friendship they shared at the beginning of it all.
“…What’s going on?” Akira finally asks him defensively and Shuuji returns to reality, or whatever this is. He gulps and pushes past his friend to step inside the small house.
“I’ve got to talk to you,” he says stiffly and leans against the wall of the tiny living room. Akira pouts as he crashes to sit down around the table and proceeds to pour himself some soy milk, avoiding Shuuji’s gaze.
“Could you at least pay attention to me?” Shuuji groans after a while. Akira looks up at him like he’s waiting for a lecture he doesn’t feel like getting.
He’s right to do that, though. In the past, that’s exactly what Shuuji had done. He just… Not this time. This might be just a strange hallucination and he might be on his way to some kind of a crazy institution, but just in case that’s not how things are, he’s scared of losing this chance. This crazy, irrational and simply impossible chance to turn things around and get what he wants.
It’s just… not exactly the best timing to try to get the boy who’s sitting in front of him. He grimaces and crosses his arms defensively.
This is awkward.
Akira slams the milk on the table, desperate to break the heavy silence. “I don’t want to produce her, okay? I don’t want others to have her,” he mumbles grumpily.
Great. He’d waited long enough for this conversation to be about Nobuta, after all.
“Then what would you do with her? Keep her to yourself, go out… No, wait, don’t answer that, after all.” Yeah, he didn’t need another scene of love struck, goofy Akira talking about marriage and stuff way before he should. Akira stared at him, confused.
Shuuji fidgets before he kneels down on the floor. He… has no idea what to say. He looks at Akira and the thing he was already so used to seeing, that little spark Akira has had for years when he’s looked at him just isn’t there. He licks his lips and looks away, anxious.
How can he possibly confess to Akira now, before the man even likes him back? At this point in time, Akira’s crazy about someone else entirely. Someone who’s going to reject him, yes, but it isn’t Shuuji, so does he even stand a chance?
“Do you think she’d like me back?” Akira asks him and sets his chin on the table miserably. Shuuji licks his lips. It’s not even about what he thinks. It’s about what he knows.
He takes in a deep breath. “Akira…”
“AHHHH, DON’T SAY IT, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT AFTER ALL,” Akira wails loudly, interrupting Shuuji’s desperate little attempt of speaking up. Shuuji’s heart is beating loud and fast and his palms are sweating. He feels like he’s forgotten how to speak. “It’s easy for you to say. Everyone likes Shuuji-kun,” he mumbles almost bitterly and hits his forehead on the table. Shuuji yanks him up, refusing to let his friend hurt himself.
“Don’t be ridiculous…”
“It’s true, tough,” Akira insists with a bitter pout. “You’re dating Uehara Mariko-”
“We’re not dating-”
“Everyone likes you,” Akira repeats with a mournful sigh and twists his mouth strangely.
Shuuji bites his lip. He isn’t sure how to argue with that, because he admittedly does get along with everyone. It isn’t exactly what Akira thinks, though. Not in his opinion.
“They don’t like the real me,” Shuuji mumbles and lowers his head, avoiding Akira’s gaze although the guy isn’t even looking at him. “They only like the show I put up. It’s not the same. It’s not like they like me, they just… like the person who treats them the way they want to be treated.”
“I want Nobuta to like me,” Akira wails and throws his head back. “I like her so much!”
Oh god, here we go.
“What are you, nine-”
“I like her so, so much!” Akira yells loudly and pouts again defiantly. “Shuuji, will you help me?” Akira turns his head to look at Shuuji with a hopeful look. Shuuji’s stomach drops.
“Huh!?”
“If Shuuji helps me, Nobuta will definitely-”
“I’m not a cupid!” Shuuji cries out. “I can’t just make her like you!”
“Shuuuujiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.”
There’s no way he can do this. Not in this situation. Not at all.
He stands up and Akira clings to his trousers. “Pleaaase, Shuuji-kun!”
“Look, I just don’t think she likes you as more than a friend,” he chokes out. “You just… You’ll find someone else, okay? Someone else out there definitely likes you.”
Akira grimaces. “I don’t want someone, I want her.”
Shuuji wants to hit himself, and while he’s at it, he kind of wants to punch Akira’s teeth in too. This is just too much. What is he even doing here? How on earth could he confess to Akira now, when his friend needs his support?
There’s no way he can do this. It’s just all wrong. The timing is wrong. This isn’t going to work out.
He can’t put himself before Akira.
“I know,” he sighs. “You want to marry her and stuff.”
“Huh!?” Akira splutters out in shock. He takes a few seconds to think about it before his eyes light up and a stupid toothy grin spreads on his face. “How did you know that?! Even I didn’t know that!”
“A lucky guess,” Shuuji sighs. “Look, I can’t help you. It’s beyond me.” He licks his lips and shrugs. “It’s not because you’d be stupid or unpleasant. It’s just the way it is. Some people like you and some don’t.”
Akira slumps against the wall miserably. “…I’m depressed.”
Shuuji rolls his eyes and kicks his friend’s leg gently. “You’ll get over it,” he promises. “You just have to keep your eyes open, you know. Someone definitely likes you.”
“You think so?” Akira asks hopefully.
Shuuji’s heart skips a bit.
“Definitely,” he says, and his voice sounds fonder that it should.
Akira smiles, and then there’s a bright light that blinds Shuuji although he tries to block it with his arms.
He’s back at the wedding hall. People are moving around and Akira is still chatting with his father, dressed up in a suit.
He’s failed.
Shuuji grimaces and backs away a bit. Nobuta happens to glance over her shoulder and spot him.
“Shuuji, you’re back,” she says with a relieved voice, probably disliking having so many unfamiliar people around her while she’s all alone.
“Yeah,” Shuuji croaks as an answer and walks to stand beside her. His heart is beating harshly. That… That had been real, unless he’d been hallucinating. He’s pretty sure it had been real.
He looks at Akira, feeling empty. He had got a chance to go back and confess when they were still in good terms but no, he had chickened out again. He takes in a shaky breath and Nobuta gives him a worried look. He ignores it, trying to play casual.
He can’t believe he’s just thrown away the once in a lifetime chance just like that. It’s ridiculous. If he would just get a chance, one final chance, he would definitely get a hold of himself and turn things around. He knew it was too late to think about that now, it’s just that he -
“So you didn’t confess,” the fairy notes behind him. Shuuji jumps around to see him and knocks a tiny round table over as he backs away. Oops. “You’re making this more difficult than it should be.”
“You don’t get to say that!” Shuuji whines. People around them are frozen again. He bites his lip and straightens up.
“So what did you come back for, to laugh at me? You think I’m not blaming myself enough already…”
“One more chance,” the fairy says and holds up his index finger. “One,” he emphasizes slowly. “You’re so miserable it’s making me lose my appetite.”
“It doesn’t look like it…” Shuuji mumbles as the fairy pops more snacks in his mouth and chews happily.
The fairy snatches Shuuji’s phone from his pocket and hurries away, browsing it while Shuuji runs after him.
“Give it back!” he whines. “It’s personal!”
“I need to know where I can toss you to, don’t I?” the fairy says, brushing him off. “Here,” he says and gives the phone back. Shuuji gives the screen a wary look before he turns his gaze back at the fairy. “You can’t use the excuse of it not being an appropriate timing. It is a perfect timing.”
“No, it isn’t,” Shuuji complains. “That’s just awkward.”
“No. That’s the chance to build your own love nest,” the fairy argues with a playful wink. “That’s the chance I’m giving you. Will you take up the challenge, or do I just have to leave?”
There’s no way he’ll miss this chance. There’s no way he’ll repeat his mistake. Shuuji is the kind of guy who learns from his mistakes - or at least that’s what he likes to think.
“Yeah.”
“Then you know what to do,” the fairy says with a toothy grin. Shuuji rolls his eyes but knows that resistance is futile.
Instead, he takes a deep breath, strikes a pose and yells “Hallelujah chance!”
“The window’s pretty nice, right?” Akira’s voice penetrates the air. Shuuji blinks and finds him with his gaze, confused. Akira is walking around a nearly empty kitchen and yes, there’s a window which is very nice. The view is fantastic - Shuuji can see the sea shore somewhere behind all the rooftops. The golden hour paints everything warm and lovely. He takes a step towards the window, feeling overwhelmed.
“Shuuji?”
“Yeah,” he realises he has to agree. He coughs to clear his throat. “It’s great.”
He realises he’s holding something and looks down. Oh… yeah. This ad. It has a blueprint of an apartment and some general information about rent and stuff.
He remembers this place.
Akira doesn’t look convinced. He keeps walking forward and opens the bedroom door before stepping in.
“I know it bothers you that there’s just one bedroom,” Akira sighs. “There’s still plenty of space inside the room. We can put our beds on either side of the room and divide it.”
“Yeah. Sounds good,” he mumbles and then he wants to just hit himself. At the moment the apartment still has the current tenant’s furniture, but they’re going to move it all away in a matter of days.
They’re here early, but that’s sometimes you have to do to get the deal.
Akira sits down on the double bed and looks around the room. It’s not particularly spacious - for two people it’s actually rather small, but if they only take with them what they really want and not all of their belongings, maybe they can make it work out. Besides, the apartment comes with a tiny storage place. They can always dump some stuff there.
When they’d contemplated moving here, his worst fear had been the bedroom. His friends had already been throwing jokes around about him and Akira fancying each other, and it hadn’t always been in a good way.
If he decides to take this place, if he confesses to Akira and makes this their first shared home, he might change other things for good too. This isn’t just about him and Akira. This is about his life.
Akira lies down on the bed with a heavy sigh. “If you don’t like it, we can just go and grab some lunch before we go to the next place,” he suggests. Shuuji blinks.
“Why would you say that?”
“It’s strange, but for once, Shuuji’s face says it all.”
Shuuji bites his lip. Yeah. He’s thinking too much and worrying too much. He should worry more about what’s going to happen if he doesn’t take this step. He should worry about Akira going to Australia and their friendship being so severed that he’s not sure it can take the distance.
He sits down on the bed too and squeezes the paper in his hand. His mouth is dry and he’s more self-conscious than he should be.
“It’s not that bad.”
Shuuji gulps and stares down at Akira. The look in the eyes that stare back at him is warm and adoring - something he’s about to lose in the future. He licks his lips, body rigid in anxiety.
If he does this, his entire life might change, he knows that. Maybe that’s why it’s so unbelievably difficult. Even if he takes the chance and something becomes of the two of them, he can’t be sure that it’s going to make them happy. He might royally fuck things up anyway.
”Do you like it or not?” Akira asks him, breaking the heavy silence. ”We can still keep looking if you want to.”
Shuuji breaks the eye contact and looks away, like the coward he is. He scans the room with his eyes, feeling uneasy.
This might be the only chance he’s ever going to get to turn things around. If he doesn’t do this… he’s going to regret it for the rest of his life. It’s just that he doesn’t know what to do.
He hesitantly searches for Akira’s hand with his and entwines their fingers. Akira raises his eyebrows. He looks like he’d be expecting some bad news such as Shuuji saying that moving in together is a bad idea after all, or that maybe they need some space. Shuuji’s chest feels uncomfortably tight. He tilts his head and licks his lips.
”It’s good,” he ends up saying simply. ”It’s really good.”
”Really!?” Akira cries out in relief and buries his face in his free hand. ”You’re so picky I thought we’d never find a place! God!”
”What? No, I’m not!” Shuuji argues and grimaces at Akira. ”That is not true!”
”It is!” Akira moans and closes his eyes. Then he starts mimicking Shuuji’s voice, badly. ”’The price is too high, the kitchen is too small, the bathroom is inconvenient, there aren’t enough windows, the view is bad, there isn’t enough closet space…’ I’m fine with it as long as it has a roof!”
Shuuji blushes scarlet. ”It’s a home!” he insists stubbornly. ”It’s… It’s our first place. My first place.”
Akira opens his eyes again and stares up at Shuuji. Shuuji awkwardly moves their hands, realising that his is sweating. He should… do this properly. His heart is beating anxiously and he isn’t sure how much time he has.
This might be his last chance. He’s the most spineless man on earth… he can’t trust things to be alright just by getting this place with Akira instead of the other one. If he can’t do this now, in the dire condition he’s in, he sure as hell won’t be able to do this as his past self.
He dips in and feels Akira’s breath on his face. Akira looks surprised but pleased… quite nervous too. He looks like he’s about to cover his face nervously and push him away but maybe he’s scared of breaking the moment and scaring Shuuji away again.
He’s never taken the initiative. Never. And when Akira has, he’s just brushed him off, too scared to grasp a hold of it.
He presses his lips on Akira’s and feels his heart jump to his throat. Akira’s eyelids slide closed and he tilts his chin forwards a bit to return the kiss. Shuuji gets more comfortable and climbs properly on the bed to snuggle closer. Akira grins widely and drapes his hands around Shuuji’s neck.
“I thought you’d never do that,” he whispers happily against Shuuji’s lips. Shuuji grimaces and holds Akira’s hand tighter.
“I had to,” he mumbles back. “Otherwise you’re going to leave me.”
Akira laughs and pouts at him. “Idiot Shuuji-kun,” he singsongs and pulls Shuuji closer. “Like I could ever leave you.”
Then they kiss again, and Shuuji chokes back a cry. If only Akira knew.
Shuuji gulps and glances around when the white light fades away. His stomach drops. Akira’s father is still holding his speech. Akira is staring at him, the look in his eyes sad and yearning.
No. Fuck no. Shuuji bites his lip and tastes blood. Nobuta looks up at him.
“Are you a-alright?” she spurts out, trying to hold his gaze. Shuuji nods stiffly, but he isn’t. If that didn’t make Akira stay… If even a kiss didn’t…
“I have to go,” he croaks and starts walking away. Nobuta rushes after him.
“Shuuji, where are you going?”
“I can’t do this,” Shuuji groans and pulls at his hair, pushing through the crowd that is giving him dirty looks. “I have to go. Tell him I’m sorry.”
“Go where?” Nobuta cries out and grabs a hold of the hem of his jacket. Shuuji ignores the elevator, unable to stand still, and opts to use the stairs. He feels like he’s going to explode. “Shuuji.”
“I love him, alright?!” Shuuji cries bitterly - and then the tears come. He buries his face in his sleeve. “I can’t do this. I can’t.”
“I know that it’s scary,” Nobuta sighs and pulls him into a hug. Shuuji keeps gulping, trying to force the tears to stop. He doesn’t cry in public, he just doesn’t, yet here he is, bawling like a fucking idiot. “You have to do this, okay?” she tells him quietly. “You’ll be fine.”
Maybe one day. Not now, though. Not today.
“Tell him I’m sorry,” he chokes out and breaks free, starting to hurry down. Nobuta doesn’t try to follow him any further. Shuuji feels awful about doing this to her, but he can’t deal with this right now. He just… can’t.
He storms out of the building, trying to wipe his face dry. Where now? First train home, probably. He almost gets run over by a car when he crosses the street, overwhelmed and careless. He leans against the concrete wall of the building, trying to collect himself.
He has to get the fuck away from here.
“Shuuji!” Akira’s voice echoes on the street. Shuuji stops and turns around. What…? Akira shouldn’t be here. Shuuji glances at his watch. The party is still going on.
There he is, though, jogging and pushing past people. It’s a bit surreal. Not completely illogical, though. They used to be best friends and are still relatively close. Shuuji understands it if Akira doesn’t want to leave without saying a proper goodbye.
He takes in a deep breath as Akira reaches him. The man is sweating like crazy and leaning forward to get support from his knees while he tries to calm his breathing. Shuuji licks his lips.
“You didn’t have to run. You could’ve called me,” Shuuji points out awkwardly. Akira extends one hand to grip Shuuji’s trousers.
“Where are you going?”
“Home?” Shuuji answers. “Sorry. I’m really tired.” Where was his home now, though? Was it the home he was used to, the place he’d decided to get while he was messing with the past or maybe even some other place? He wasn’t sure.
The cold evening breeze made him shiver.
“Nobuta told me you got cold feet,” Akira groans at him and pouts as he straightens up. “If you feel stressed, you have to talk to me, Shuuji-kun.”
The weight on Shuuji’s shoulders was pulling him down completely. At least they seemed to be in somewhat better terms nowadays. Things just… hadn’t worked out. It happened.
He drew in a shaky breath and stuffed his hands in his pockets. Akira started looking a bit pleading.
“I know you’re scared,” Akira tells him. “But it’s going to get easier, you know. You have me. You can always come back if it doesn‘t work out.”
“Come back?” Shuuji repeated with a confused grimace. “I have no idea what you’re -”
Akira crashed into him and gave him a tight hug. Huh? Huuuh!? Shuuji’s eyes widen. He had to be drawing some kind of wrong conclusions, just had to be…
“I’m going to Australia?” he asked with a weak whine. Akira, however, seemed to take it as a statement.
“Thank god!” the guy wailed and broke the hug. “You scared me, Shuuji~”
“EEEEH?!” Shuuji exclaimed loudly. No way! He wasn’t going to Australia! What would he even…?!
He dug out his wallet and there it was, a plane ticket for tonight. His knees buckled but Akira caught him, snatching the ticket away from him so that he wouldn’t panic and harm it.
“I love you, Shuuji-kun,” Akira told him through a pout. “I’m not saying that you have to come. You know you don’t have to. I would just really want you to come with me.”
Shuuji feels breathless. He melts completely, looks Akira in the eye and lets the warm feeling spread under his skin.
This is his once in a lifetime chance. After all those years, this is his chance to grasp this. He’s scared, possibly even terrified, and there are so many problems ahead, but if he can’t make Akira stay, this would be his wish number two.
All those years ago, Akira followed him when he had to move away with his family. Now, maybe, it is his turn to follow Akira.
“I’ll come with you,” he promises and throws his arm around Akira’s shoulder. “How could I possibly let you go alone.”
A wide smile spreads on Akira’s lips, slowly but unstoppably. He beams at Shuuji who takes it all in, as breathless and fluttery as he is.
“Then you can have your ticket back,” Akira tells him and hands the slip over. Shuuji takes it with a jerky nod.
“Kon kon,” Akira says and makes the familiar hand movement right in front of Shuuji’s face. Shuuji slaps his hand away gently and starts heading back to the building. Akira’s farewell party isn’t over yet.
The tiny peck Akira presses on his shoulder makes the streetlights seem much brighter than they are.