fic: Hem (3/4)
-2-
When Jin stares at the tiny corner of a gossip magazine in a bookstore nearby his house, he’s hit by a crippling fear of never being able to take Kame anywhere ever again, or even see him for that matter. It’s not the magazine’s main selling point - most of the front page is taken by a large picture and a screaming headline for some young female pop star’s drunken mishaps. Nevertheless, it’s right there, on the front page, and although Jin’s acknowledged that Kame is something of a public figure, he’s never truly understood that his life can really be front page material.
He puts on his sunglasses although it’s already autumn and the sun hasn’t exactly been a problem for a long while. He nonchalantly purchases the magazine and walks out of the store with quick steps, carrying the harmful stack of paper under his arms whilst he sends a warning text message to Kame.
Jin wants to go to Kame’s place and deal with this together, but his logical side tells him that it’s a bad idea. Kame’s at work, and besides with a photo that visibly shows his face on the front page speculating about Kame’s private issues, it’s probably smarter to stay away from Kame’s apartment.
Instead, he walks home and resigns to spending his day off work stressing out about some stupid article someone wrote just to get a generous stack of cash because in the society that’s more important than certain people’s privacy and quality of life.
He climbs on his creaking bed and flips through the magazine in search of the right page. There’s a selection of candid shots of him and Kame from the past month or so - someone’s been working on it for a long time. It doesn’t have anything too obvious or hard to deny, no pictures of kissing or hugging or anything, probably only because Kame’s too careful to do stuff like that when someone else could be watching. It doesn’t mean that the article is completely weak, though - there are three carefully selected pictures where Jin can see their emotions written on their faces anyway. There’s heat and impatience in their eyes when they’re walking a little too close together on the city streets late in the evening, comfortable domesticity in a shot taken at a grocery store and even one photo from their trip to Okinawa.
It’s not the worst case scenario, Jin keeps telling himself, attempting to calm himself down as his eyes rapidly skim through the scandalous article that barely takes a quarter of a page. There’s no proper evidence in the articles - it’s just speculation, it’s not actually going to mean anything, is it? Nasty yet untrue gossip must happen all the time. It’s just that this one happened to hit a bit too close to home for comfort.
During the daytime, Jin gets a few curious phone calls and texts from his friends who congratulate him on his fifteen minutes of fame or try to tell him that it’s not that bad and surely things will be fine and hey, is the article true or not because Kamenashi seems like quite a catch. It takes Kame until late in the evening to send him a quick and curt message warning him that he’s coming over and they need to talk, which never really seems to promise anything good.
“He’s going to break up with me,” Jin panics to Yamapi over the phone. “He’s coming over to break it off.”
“Don’t be stupid,” Yamapi tries to argue, but he doesn’t sound too confident himself. “You need to talk about it, it’s completely reasonable. You’ll be fine, he’s probably been working on it all day and it’s getting better, don’t freak out.”
“There were no emoticons, Pi,” Jin insists, still pretty goddamn freaked out. “Kame always uses emoticons, he practically spams them. He didn’t use any of them this time, not even one!”
“He’s just in a rush, that’s all,” Yamapi keeps trying, but Jin is pretty damn sure that he doesn’t believe in his argument one bit. “He’s probably stressed too. You know what stress does to him.”
“Yeah, stress makes him want to hide in his shell and get rid of everything inconvenient in his life!” Jin wails miserably. “I probably top that list, Pi, and he’s coming over. What else could this be about!?”
“I don’t know, discussing your game plan, maybe going for a little break?”
“I don’t think he does breaks, he’s more of an all-or-nothing kind of guy,” Jin groans.
“Give him a blowjob,” Yamapi tries to suggest. “Good sex makes up for a lot of things?”
“Pi, this is a gay scandal,” Jin snorts. “I don’t think reminding him that he’s having gay sex is going to help any. Even if he won’t break up with me, I doubt we’ll have sex for ages.”
Yamapi hisses sympathetically. “Tough.”
The doorbell rings and Jin’s throat starts hurting anxiously. “I’ll have to go,” he tells Yamapi as he starts heading towards the entrance. “I’ll call you back.” He cuts the call without waiting for an answer, slips the phone in his pocket and yanks the door open, seeing a rather heavily disguised Kame on his doorstep. He makes way so that Kame can step in and close the door behind him.
“Hi,” Kame says, and his voice sounds strained like an elastic band that’s about to snap. Jin decides that it’s better to stick to minimal talking if he doesn’t want to make things any worse for both of them.
“Hi,” he croaks and takes Kame’s hat, sunglasses and scarf helpfully as the man pulls off his shoes and jacket. Kame doesn’t really speak and Jin can’t read him, which makes the situation even more frightening. Jin has to fight with himself not to blurt out countless of questions, and just when he’s about to give up, Kame opens his mouth.
“Can I have a glass of water?” Kame asks, and Jin realises that his hands are shaking.
“Have you eaten?” he asks worriedly. Kame shrugs. “Do you want anything?”
“No, I’ll eat later,” Kame says. “Just water would be nice.”
There’s an article in a gossip magazine speculating their relationship and here they are, talking about a glass of water instead of the important stuff. It’s driving Jin up the walls, but he gets the drink for Kame anyway. He looks like he’s completely out of fuel.
“Thanks,” Kame croaks and takes a careful sip. Some of the energy rushes instantly back to his eyes. It seems like a good sign. Kame licks his lips. “I’m sorry I didn’t answer your message. I’ve been busy handling this thing since the morning. I was supposed to text you but I didn’t get the time.”
Finally they’re talking, although Jin can’t help but wish that they wouldn’t have to have this conversation. “It’s fine,” he tries to brush off the apology. “Don’t worry about it.”
Kame lets out a weary sigh and starts walking towards the living room. He sits down on the edge of Jin’s messy bed. Jin realises that he’s avoiding his gaze and starts feeling a little desperate.
“Are you going to break up with me?” he asks bluntly, standing on the doorway. His feet refuse to carry him any closer - it’s like Kame would be a bomb and even the tiniest vibration of the ground would make him detonate. The corner of Kame’s lips curves into an anxious smile.
“Do you think I should?” he asks Jin, sounding painfully lost. It’s then when Jin realises that honestly speaking, he doesn’t know.
“Are you happy?” he asks Kame quietly. Kame takes another sip of water thoughtfully and shrugs. It doesn’t feel like a very promising sign. If Jin’s really thinks about it, he’s seen the signs for a while already.
“I don’t know,” Kame says and finally looks at him. “It’s strange. I haven’t been this miserable and tired in years,” he laughs softly. “Yet still…”
Jin doesn’t really know much about love - as a guy experiencing his first love in his thirties, he’s clearly a bit off his field. He’s heard from others that it’s painful, that it drives you up the walls and destroys you, but he doubts that it’s supposed to be quite like this. Even if love has such shitty features, it isn’t supposed to make someone miserable on the level Kame has sunk in. It’s a gruesome realisation that makes Jin doubt so many things, but the love he feels isn’t the same as the love Kame feels. He isn’t in a state of constant joy and bright lights that tickle his belly, but he’s seeing the world through a brighter filter nonetheless. It’s scary that Kame’s happiness is deteriorating so fast.
Then again, he shouldn’t jump to conclusions. Kame’s had a rough time, especially today. He isn’t thinking clearly, and he can’t expect him to. What he feels and says now might not reflect the entirety of the reality at all. It might hurt, but he’ll have to listen and stay there, because people are allowed to have their lows.
This isn’t about Jin. This is about Kame, who’s scared and whose legs are crippled by the painful production of lactate acid from his mindless, never-ending sprinting.
“Are you happy, Jin?” Kame asks him with a quiet voice. Jin thinks about it, and then he nods.
“Yeah,” he tells Kame softly, feeling a bit defensive. “I am.”
Kame draws in a deep breath. His shoulders rise in a defensive way that Jin hates.
“I’m just tired,” Kame admits brokenly, and yes, Jin can see that when he looks into his eyes. “I like you, I really do, but it’s so hard,” he insists, and for a man like Kame it probably is. “I’m exhausted. I used to think that it was worth it, but now I feel like I’m burning out. I’m starting to doubt if this is really worth it. Things used to be easy for me. I was happy.”
“Our situation isn’t ideal,” Jin admits. “But it’ll get better. Today was just a little stressful. It’s not always like this.”
“I know,” Kame gasps. “You’re right. I just… You opened up this new dimension in my life and it’s like a fucking earthquake, Jin, the buildings keep crumbling and it physically shakes me and I don’t know what to do, I’m just scared that it won’t stop. You make me happier than I remember ever being, but with the happiness comes this misery and all these problems and it just makes me feel like I’m not meant to have you. Do you understand that?” he asks desperately. “I know it’s stupid, but it feels really fucking real to me, okay?”
When he first got to see Kame’s blackened core, he’d seen the signs of depression. It had been easy to ignore once they’d gotten together, but now Jin feels the possibility staring him in the face and it’s actually pretty frightening, because he isn’t exactly sure how to make it even remotely better. “Can I come closer?” he asks from the doorframe and Kame is so tense when he stares at Jin desperately like that, simultaneously pushing him away and pulling him closer. Jin decides to take the silence as a yes and walks across the room to sit next to Kame who seems to crumble with the proximity.
“We aren’t breaking up tonight, Kame,” he tells his boyfriend gently, because really, someone’s got to keep their head straight right now. Kame gulps and his eyes keep flickering left and right a bit, but he never really looks away from Jin’s face. He doesn’t want to give Jin an opening to see how much of a mess he really is, even if he’s unable to fully hide it in his current state anyway. “Do you want to know why?”
“Why?” Kame asks defensively, because he doesn’t know if he’s ready to let Jin decide it just like that. He’s stubborn and he’s been alone for so long he’s learned to take care of himself. He might not have been happy exactly, but he’s kept himself afloat, and now Jin’s existence is rocking his one man lifeboat.
“Because you need me,” he tells Kame, and that seems to really hit a nerve. “I’m the only person in years who’s accepted and loved you as you are, who’s given you a chance to pursue that person. You need a person like that in your life.”
“I don’t want to need you,” Kame tells him frankly, looking suddenly much sharper than before. “I just can’t afford to need you, Jin.”
Jin takes the water glass from Kame’s hands and sets it on the table. He then grasps Kame’s shoulder and pulls him against his chest in an embracing hold. Kame wriggles. “Let go,” he snaps at him, sounding a little frantic and far from amused or touched.
“No.”
“Let go.”
Jin shakes his head. “No,” he repeats himself and places his chin on top of Kame’s head. “It’ll help, I promise.” Kame needs this, he needs physical contact to detox his system from all that poisonous stress, solitude and helplessness. “Just don’t think for a while, alright?” he suggests gently. “Today isn’t the day to talk about all of this.”
“I can’t need you,” Kame chokes out, refusing to let his body grasp onto Jin. “I think I’m going to lose you, Jin, because this is really fucking not meant to be, not with everything against this, and if I need you when I lose you I’ll really fucking crumble.”
“Who said that this isn’t meant to be?” Jin snorts and snuggles Kame a little bit. “You need to get your head out of that dark place.”
“You don’t understand.”
“Maybe not,” Jin admits with a thoughtful hum. “But I’d like to believe that together we could achieve something beyond our usual happiness. That’s what you make me feel, and I think you feel it too, but you just get stuck thinking about all the bad stuff that comes along.”
Kame sniffles. It’s quiet for a while, and Jin thinks that Kame’s on the verge of tears. It’s been a rough day for him. Jin’s been pretty damn freaked out and anxious himself - it’s hard to fully get a grasp of how bad it’s been to Kame.
“I’ve been crying a lot lately,” Kame admits to him quietly after his muscles have relaxed and Jin’s closeness has managed to soothe the harsh edge of the anxiety away. “I don’t think love is supposed to make you cry like this.”
Jin doesn’t really know what to say to that. He pulls Kame to lie down on the bed, climbs on top of him and buries his face in the crook of Kame’s neck.
The thing is, he doesn’t think that love is supposed to make you as miserable as Kame is either. It’s hard to keep insisting that what they have is right and good when it keeps clawing at Kame so painfully and relentlessly. It’s not really that they’re wrong - their circumstances and timing are wrong, and sometimes that’s all it takes to fall apart.
Unable to come up with something to make things better, he stays silent. The deafening silence and hopelessness suck out their energy, and although Jin doesn’t lose his will to fight, he can’t help but wonder if he’s really fighting for the right thing.
-3-
When Jin walks through the customs in Keflavík International Airport, there’s no one to await him. It’s a brand new corner of the world for him, this icy, Nordic island. He snaps a picture of the airport hall with people pointing at the large boards with flight details, their luggage tightly clutched in their hands.
His growling stomach urges him to grab a sandwich from a café and take a seat. He’s got time - no ticket to go anywhere, no deadlines. Not much money either, really - he’ll try to scrape up some as he goes, open for odd jobs and such, and maybe a bit of public performance. His plans are vague too, hazy images of geysers, volcanoes and small villages.
He brushes his fingers through his overgrown fringe, drawing it back messily from his face. The wheels of the hand luggage he’s pulling behind him rattle loudly, reminding him that yes, he’s on the move and that’s great. He feels a bit excited, to be honest. It’s a good and familiar feeling that anticipates something spectacular.
He’s determined to make this trip memorable.
It’s cold outside. Well, Jin has been through worse, but zero degrees Celsius do chill him to his very bones after a long and pleasant stay in Portugal. He zips up his thick coat and curses under his breath, trying to look for a taxi sign among the crowd.
He takes his place in the unjustly long queue and stuffs his cold fingers in his pockets. He fidgets on his feet, trying to warm up his muscles even just for a little bit. The man before him is lucky enough to have a pair of leather gloves on his hands. The fingers of his right hand are circled lazily around his Louis Vuitton luggage that seems far too feminine for a man, Jin thinks, and the other is holding a pocket-sized travel booklet to Iceland. It’s in Swedish.
“I’d kill for a woollen hat,” Jin tries to break the ice - there’s a long way to the beginning of the line and conversing with people calms him down. The man before him flinches and turns over, his brown eyes widened and pouty lips pressed together. He looks dumbfounded.
Not even nearly as dumbfounded as Jin feels, though. His heart jumps to his throat and he loses his ability to speak, to comprehend. He isn’t prepared for this. His brains aren’t functioning.
He ends up jerkily bowing his head deep in a greeting, somehow mixing up the customs from his homeland. Kame’s hold of his bag tightens and the travel booklet gets shut shakily. Jin feels the man’s eyes at his neck. He feels flushed all the way up to his ears.
“W-what are you doing?” Kame manages to stutter. He hastily brushes Jin’s bicep with his travel booklet to urge him to straighten up. Jin’s head shoots up and he licks his lips anxiously. Kame’s lips are bluish from the cold, and Jin really shouldn’t be looking at his lips, not now and… and…
“What are you doing in here?” he yells. His tone sounds a bit accusing and Kame flinches. “I mean, you. You. Iceland. What.” Well, good that he’s being clear. “And the queue,” Jin chokes out and pushes Kame backwards a bit, making him almost fall over so Jin has to grab a hold of his arm and steady him up. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to-”
“It’s okay, all’s fine,” Kame cuts him off with a nervous grimace. “And I’m. Uh. Travelling,” he tries to offer and waves the guide book in his hand over Jin’s face with a bubbly laughter. “You only live once, you know… Might as well have a look around.”
The air is so light it’s making him dizzy. For a moment, he’s deep in dream land and the sight of Kame is scarily ethereal in all its simplicity. The dark strands of hair that frame his face, peeking from under the thick woollen beanie. He looks small, although he’s not.
He draws in a deep breath that freezes his lungs. “I guess I just thought you’d never take the time.”
Kame chuckles awkwardly. His gaze averts for the tiniest moment. He’s not confident about this meeting either. They’re both unprepared and maybe even a little star struck, stuck with each other by chance.
“Things change. I have more time now.”
Things sure have changed, huh, but Jin has no idea how. The last news he’s gotten about Kame goes a few years back when his mother had mentioned over the phone that he hadn’t appeared in Going! Sports & News for a long time, or anywhere else for that matter.
It’s strange how he can be almost the same as all those years back in time, yet he has no idea what kind of a being Kame has morphed into. Here they are, meeting nearly at the other side of the world, and Jin has only experienced this awe in his wildest dreams that he never actually believed to come true.
“That’s great. Great for you,” Jin sniffles. “Really great.” He means it. Memories of the strung up and ready to snap Kame of the past rush back to him. The tense muscles of his mouth, dark bags under his eyes and the hands that had shook from his caffeine intake.
“It is,” Kame agrees, and him agreeing is so absurd that Jin has to bite his lip enough to hurt himself in order to convince himself that he’s actually awake. “I feel much better now, to be honest.”
“Great,” Jin croaks, feeling stupid and repetitive. “I’m glad.”
And then it hits him - a painful pang of jealousy. All these years after their separation he’s felt incomplete, incompetent, unable to truly enjoy his trips to the fullest or even love reality. It feels unfair that Kame has fixed up his life and enjoyed it, unlike him. Jin feels cheated, and maybe even a little bit unloved, which should actually be the norm, considering the fact that their relationship ended fucking years ago.
He wonders if Kame has somebody else now, and whether that person is male or female. By all logic, he should - they’re both old enough to be married, to have been married for a while now even. The thought hits all the air out of his lungs. He’s thought about it, yes, sometimes when he’s reminiscing about them. It’s just that thinking about Kame’s hypothetical rest of the life and actually facing it are two completely different things with two completely different pain levels.
“You’re the same as ever, though,” Kame notes awkwardly and motions at him. “Travelling.”
“Yeah. Right,” Jin agrees, although he doesn’t feel the same at all. All those years ago, something in him changed when he had gotten carried away with his first love. He’s never been the same again, but he sure as hell doesn’t want to tell that to Kame.
“Are you going to Reykjavik?” Kame asks him, because what’s easier to talk about than right here right now? Jin nods. “We could share a taxi. Save some money by splitting the bill.”
Jin glances at Kame’s lips again, and Kame really shouldn’t ask him like this. He has a feeling that if he follows him now, he won’t know how to walk away again. When he looks at Kame’s eyes, he can see his own uncertainty mirrored right back at him.
“You don’t have someone who’d get pissed about it?” he says jokingly even if it isn’t a joke at all. Kame catches up with the line again.
“No,” he says simply, and Jin wishes that his answer would be more elaborate. He doesn’t dare to ask again, though. Does it even matter?
Here and now, he has a chance of a lifetime. Even if their lives have moved on, maybe just for a while they could enter a vacuum in time and simply exist side by side without worries of things beyond the sea. Maybe Iceland could do the impossible and freeze them still so that they’d never have to part ways again.
“We can share that taxi,” Jin accepts the offer, feeling his long-passed youth resurfacing. Kame smiles at him and nods silently.
Jin wishes they would talk more.
The silence allows him to think, which makes him jump to all kinds of conclusions and painful trips down the memory lane. He’s a bit scared to speak, unconvinced that he’s prepared to know more about Kame just yet. He has so many questions, but the answers he might get scare him speechless.
The feeling seems to be mutual, because Kame falls silent and anxious as well. He looks like he’s having second thoughts when he climbs in the taxi. Jin’s stomach churns painfully. He’s never felt so discouraged in his life.
The taxi makes him feel claustrophobic, and that is definitely not a familiar feeling to him. He doesn’t know where to look, what to say or anything, really. It’s all dangerously frightening, this sudden chance he’s been given. He doesn’t want to mess up, but every second that ticks by awfully slowly he knows that he’s just letting it pass by like an idiot.
Jin forces himself to turn his head to see Kame on his left. His winter clothing rustles traitorously. He’s so self-aware that it’s ridiculous. Kame had invited him along. He’s not butting in. It’s fine to look. It’s understandable to look.
Kame’s looking out of the window. His shoulders are curved protectively, shutting Jin out like a fortress. Kame’s locked himself somewhere up in his mighty castle and Jin has no idea where he’s hid the key.
Trust Kame to give him mixed signals. A tiny spark of nostalgia tugs his lips.
His eyes travel back to the travel guide on Kame’s lap. He stares at it for a while. Kame’s fingers twitch, aware of his eyes.
“Your booklet is in Swedish,” he states calmly, not quite sure what to think of it. Kame licks his lips and turns his head away from him even more if possible. It’s really quite discouraging. Jin wants to call Kame out on his bullshit, but he doesn’t want to turn this into an argument. “You speak Swedish?”
“Yeah,” Kame answers - a simple and honest truth that means the world to Jin. Why? He doesn’t really dare to ask. It’s so frighteningly absurd.
“That’s pretty cool,” he ends up sighing. He scratches his nose and turns to look out of his window again. Kame speaks Swedish now. That’s an unusual skill to learn.
“I’ve lived there for a few years now,” Kame continues, trying to sound calm but there’s a nervous vibration in his voice. “I took classes.”
Jin’s heart jumps in his throat. It shouldn’t hurt like this. It just shouldn’t. All these years, barely hearing a single word of what he’s been up to and now all of the sudden… He chokes back a cry, blinking furiously. Fuck.
Kame turns to look at him, Jin can hear his clothes rustling. His gaze is like pure heat on Jin’s skin, a strange mixture of pleasant and uncomfortable. It’s like sunrays, and Jin can’t stop himself from fearing of getting burnt.
“What have you been up to?” Kame asks gently. “It’s been a while.”
Jin thinks about it. He turns to look at Kame and for a moment, he’s thirty again, thirty and helplessly in love for the first time in his life.
And then he tells Kame, losing himself in tales of places that start to shine more vibrantly now that he shares them with this one man he never wants to let go of.
-1-
At first Jin believes that Kame really is busy with work. He’s out of the city to attend some sports events and do interviews on location, which Jin thinks is a fair enough reason to spend some time apart. After three weeks and not enough time for even a call, Jin realises that a good part of it is just pretence.
It hurts kind of incredibly badly. It’s not like a one night stand who would’ve left the wrong number - Kame is supposed to be his friend, for god’s sake. Each day they spend apart makes Jin a little more conscious of his feelings, which isn’t exactly helping.
Jin wonders if Kame has similar feelings which keep him from contacting Jin. It’s ridiculous. Kame had been the one to reject him, so why isn’t he able to come over, face him and act like nothing different would be going on!? It feels like it’d help him a little. Then he wouldn’t have to miss Kame this much and constantly think about it.
When they meet again, it’s been over a month since that night they slept together. It’s nothing private either - Jin just finally manages to talk Kame into coming to play football with the guys.
Kame is one of the last ones to arrive. When he finally struts to the field with his sports bag hanging over his shoulder, the others are already finishing warming up. Jin had already thought that he wouldn’t show up at all.
“Took you long enough!” he scoffs and jogs over to Kame. He’s already broken into a bit of sweat, but seeing Kame heals the irritation of his lateness. Kame gives him a wonky smile, acting like nothing’s aloof at all.
“I overslept,” he insists. It’s a stupid excuse - Kame doesn’t oversleep. In fact, he barely does sleep. Jin gulps down the beginning of an argument and just takes Kame’s bag from his shoulder.
“Go and warm up. We don’t want to send you back broken,” he babbles and points at the others who are waving at them. Kame waves at the guys, ignoring Jin completely. It stings kind of really badly.
He understands that this is difficult, but he should be the one who’s acting strangely, not Kame. It’s unfair. He bites his lip grudgingly as Kame heads towards the others. Yamapi jogs to him as he starts carrying Kame’s bag where theirs are.
“Woah. That looked tense,” Yamapi tells him when he’s close enough to be heard with a quiet voice. Jin shrugs, feeling irritated. He glances at Kame who’s stretching while talking to the others with that wide, toothy smile of his.
“I just don’t get him,” he admits. “He’s like a woman. Completely irrational.”
Yamapi grimaces, sympathising with him. “Tell me about it. He’s completely different.”
Jin drops Kame’s bag next to his. “Whatever,” he mumbles bitterly. “It’s his problem.”
“Just don’t get hung up on him,” Yamapi advices him worriedly. “Maybe if you treat him enough like a friend, he’ll get over it and start acting normal again.”
“I am treating him the same way,” Jin spits venomously. “He’s the one who’s making such a big deal out of it. He doesn’t want to be more than friends, sure, I get that. I respect that. It’s just fucking stupid that he’s not acting like my friend anymore. It’s like he would’ve always had an ulterior motive or something. I don’t know. I just don’t get him. At all.”
Yamapi pats his shoulder. Jin catches him rolling his eyes and elbows him grumpily. Yamapi curses in pain and stumbles for a few steps. It makes Jin feel better, even if just for a little bit.
“Are you wussies ready!?” Ryo roars at them. “We’re deciding the teams in here!”
“Coming!” Jin hollers back and starts jogging with a tiny smile, leaving Yamapi behind cursing at him, trying to catch up and rubbing his side to soothe the pain. Kame is standing close between two of Jin’s friends, looking at Jin with a more serious expression.
Jin wishes he would be able to understand, but he can’t. If they’re always going to be like this, he doesn’t think their friendship can last very long.
They end up playing for the same team. It’s fun at first - when they make a goal, Jin gets to high five and strike stupid poses at him. Kame smiles back at him and returns most of the gestures. His gaze doesn’t linger, though. He’s bouncy, running around and communicating with the entire team, not that Jin wouldn’t be doing that either.
After a couple of hours, though, Jin’s fucking done with the cold shoulder. If this is how Kame’s planning to treat him, in front of his own friends, maybe he shouldn’t have come at all. Jin should’ve gotten the hint and stopped calling ages ago. He’d clearly valued their friendship more than Kame had.
Their team loses, which doesn’t exactly make his day better - he’s admittedly a bit of a sore loser, although he usually handles his losses better than he does today. Ryo teases him, just because he knows that Jin is feeling really agitated, and it makes Jin shut down a little as he packs the football back in his gym bag and takes a long swig of water from his bottle.
They all agree to get some ice-cream on the way home to cool them down from the ruthless exercise. Jin leisurely eats the creamy vanilla, feeling a little quiet for once. Yamapi and Ryo are walking a bit ahead of him, trying out each other’s flavours, and the rest of the gang is talking something in front of them, being loud as usual. Kame’s walking with them, laughing along to some joke someone cracked. He looks over his shoulder and his eyes meet Jin’s before they divert a bit sadly.
Jin feels a bit annoyed at that. He isn’t going to take any pity from Kame when they’re hanging out with his friends, alright. He’s not pathetic, just a bit down, and that doesn’t honestly have much to do with Kame rejecting him. Instead, it has everything to do with Kame treating him like air. It feels like they would’ve had a bad break-up, except for the fact that they never actually got together. It’s just idiotic.
He’s just about to catch up to Yamapi and Ryo when he realises that Kame has slipped out of the conversation and waits for him. He stays still until Jin reaches him, and then they walk side by side, awkwardly eating their ice-creams.
“So now you’re paying attention to me,” Jin snorts, not feeling particularly fond of the admittedly nice gesture. “You don’t have to pity me, I’m fine.”
“I know,” Kame says, although he sounds too soft to be convinced. “I’m sorry,” he continues and looks Jin right in the eyes in a way that makes his muscles go stiff in admiration. “I made things awkward, didn’t I?”
Jin thinks about it for a moment, but there’s no way to deny it. “Yeah, you did,” he resigns to saying, looking ahead because saying that while looking at Kame feels too cruel. He needs to keep his distance, because hurting Kame with the feelings he has is a hard thing to do on purpose. “You think we should stop seeing each other?”
“Do you?” Kame asks, sounding distressed. “Look, I’ve really enjoyed your company. Things just got a bit awkward between us. If you could just try going out with someone things would probably get easier for both of us, don’t you think?”
“I can’t,” Jin barks at Kame angrily. He lets out a hollow laughter - this is ridiculous. Kame glares at him. His lips are pressed tightly together and his fingers firmly squeeze the cup filled with strawberry ice-cream in his hand.
“Why?”
“Why, you ask,” Jin mumbles bitterly and turns his gaze away. He can’t deal with this. Whatever had made him think that this meeting would be a good idea, well, that had been all wrong. This sucks. “I have a crush on you. I can’t just suddenly not pay attention to you and hit it off with someone else with you around. I can’t just tune you out all of sudden.”
“You’re such a wussy. I slept with you once.”
“It’s not because of that!” Jin hisses venomously and squeezes his ice-cream cup so hard that the ice-cream ball pops off and falls to the pavement, staining Jin’s hand on the way. He pays no heed to it, rage clouding his view. Kame tenses. “I’m fucking serious!”
Kame’s lips twitch. Jin snorts coldly. “Forget it,” he mumbles and starts hurrying ahead towards the others. He’s not going to deal with this. If Kame wants to be an ass, fine, but he doesn’t have to put up with his crap. He’s dealing with it. That’s the best he can do.
“Jin,” Kame’s voice pleads as he catches the hem of Jin’s shirt a bit breathlessly. Jin yanks his shirt away from the man’s reach. Kame looks apologetic, though, and it makes Jin’s heart break a little more. “I’m sorry.”
It’s all he really needs to say. Jin really likes him, after all. He grimaces and averts his gaze.
“Just… don’t push me,” Jin mumbles and scratches his sweaty neck anxiously. “I’m not pushing you either.”
“I know,” Kame answers him and hands Jin his napkin so that he can wipe his hands clean. Jin does just that and tosses the trash in a bin on the way. Kame’s fallen silent again. Jin can’t really blame him, not after his outburst.
“Just give me some time,” he tries to tell Kame with a softer tone. “Be my friend and things will go back to normal again.” Not having Kame around has made him miss the guy twice as much.
“Alright,” Kame hums and puts another spoonful of ice-cream in his mouth, leaving Jin helplessly unknowledgeable of what’s truly going on in that shut-off head of his.
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | Ficlets
When Jin stares at the tiny corner of a gossip magazine in a bookstore nearby his house, he’s hit by a crippling fear of never being able to take Kame anywhere ever again, or even see him for that matter. It’s not the magazine’s main selling point - most of the front page is taken by a large picture and a screaming headline for some young female pop star’s drunken mishaps. Nevertheless, it’s right there, on the front page, and although Jin’s acknowledged that Kame is something of a public figure, he’s never truly understood that his life can really be front page material.
He puts on his sunglasses although it’s already autumn and the sun hasn’t exactly been a problem for a long while. He nonchalantly purchases the magazine and walks out of the store with quick steps, carrying the harmful stack of paper under his arms whilst he sends a warning text message to Kame.
Jin wants to go to Kame’s place and deal with this together, but his logical side tells him that it’s a bad idea. Kame’s at work, and besides with a photo that visibly shows his face on the front page speculating about Kame’s private issues, it’s probably smarter to stay away from Kame’s apartment.
Instead, he walks home and resigns to spending his day off work stressing out about some stupid article someone wrote just to get a generous stack of cash because in the society that’s more important than certain people’s privacy and quality of life.
He climbs on his creaking bed and flips through the magazine in search of the right page. There’s a selection of candid shots of him and Kame from the past month or so - someone’s been working on it for a long time. It doesn’t have anything too obvious or hard to deny, no pictures of kissing or hugging or anything, probably only because Kame’s too careful to do stuff like that when someone else could be watching. It doesn’t mean that the article is completely weak, though - there are three carefully selected pictures where Jin can see their emotions written on their faces anyway. There’s heat and impatience in their eyes when they’re walking a little too close together on the city streets late in the evening, comfortable domesticity in a shot taken at a grocery store and even one photo from their trip to Okinawa.
It’s not the worst case scenario, Jin keeps telling himself, attempting to calm himself down as his eyes rapidly skim through the scandalous article that barely takes a quarter of a page. There’s no proper evidence in the articles - it’s just speculation, it’s not actually going to mean anything, is it? Nasty yet untrue gossip must happen all the time. It’s just that this one happened to hit a bit too close to home for comfort.
During the daytime, Jin gets a few curious phone calls and texts from his friends who congratulate him on his fifteen minutes of fame or try to tell him that it’s not that bad and surely things will be fine and hey, is the article true or not because Kamenashi seems like quite a catch. It takes Kame until late in the evening to send him a quick and curt message warning him that he’s coming over and they need to talk, which never really seems to promise anything good.
“He’s going to break up with me,” Jin panics to Yamapi over the phone. “He’s coming over to break it off.”
“Don’t be stupid,” Yamapi tries to argue, but he doesn’t sound too confident himself. “You need to talk about it, it’s completely reasonable. You’ll be fine, he’s probably been working on it all day and it’s getting better, don’t freak out.”
“There were no emoticons, Pi,” Jin insists, still pretty goddamn freaked out. “Kame always uses emoticons, he practically spams them. He didn’t use any of them this time, not even one!”
“He’s just in a rush, that’s all,” Yamapi keeps trying, but Jin is pretty damn sure that he doesn’t believe in his argument one bit. “He’s probably stressed too. You know what stress does to him.”
“Yeah, stress makes him want to hide in his shell and get rid of everything inconvenient in his life!” Jin wails miserably. “I probably top that list, Pi, and he’s coming over. What else could this be about!?”
“I don’t know, discussing your game plan, maybe going for a little break?”
“I don’t think he does breaks, he’s more of an all-or-nothing kind of guy,” Jin groans.
“Give him a blowjob,” Yamapi tries to suggest. “Good sex makes up for a lot of things?”
“Pi, this is a gay scandal,” Jin snorts. “I don’t think reminding him that he’s having gay sex is going to help any. Even if he won’t break up with me, I doubt we’ll have sex for ages.”
Yamapi hisses sympathetically. “Tough.”
The doorbell rings and Jin’s throat starts hurting anxiously. “I’ll have to go,” he tells Yamapi as he starts heading towards the entrance. “I’ll call you back.” He cuts the call without waiting for an answer, slips the phone in his pocket and yanks the door open, seeing a rather heavily disguised Kame on his doorstep. He makes way so that Kame can step in and close the door behind him.
“Hi,” Kame says, and his voice sounds strained like an elastic band that’s about to snap. Jin decides that it’s better to stick to minimal talking if he doesn’t want to make things any worse for both of them.
“Hi,” he croaks and takes Kame’s hat, sunglasses and scarf helpfully as the man pulls off his shoes and jacket. Kame doesn’t really speak and Jin can’t read him, which makes the situation even more frightening. Jin has to fight with himself not to blurt out countless of questions, and just when he’s about to give up, Kame opens his mouth.
“Can I have a glass of water?” Kame asks, and Jin realises that his hands are shaking.
“Have you eaten?” he asks worriedly. Kame shrugs. “Do you want anything?”
“No, I’ll eat later,” Kame says. “Just water would be nice.”
There’s an article in a gossip magazine speculating their relationship and here they are, talking about a glass of water instead of the important stuff. It’s driving Jin up the walls, but he gets the drink for Kame anyway. He looks like he’s completely out of fuel.
“Thanks,” Kame croaks and takes a careful sip. Some of the energy rushes instantly back to his eyes. It seems like a good sign. Kame licks his lips. “I’m sorry I didn’t answer your message. I’ve been busy handling this thing since the morning. I was supposed to text you but I didn’t get the time.”
Finally they’re talking, although Jin can’t help but wish that they wouldn’t have to have this conversation. “It’s fine,” he tries to brush off the apology. “Don’t worry about it.”
Kame lets out a weary sigh and starts walking towards the living room. He sits down on the edge of Jin’s messy bed. Jin realises that he’s avoiding his gaze and starts feeling a little desperate.
“Are you going to break up with me?” he asks bluntly, standing on the doorway. His feet refuse to carry him any closer - it’s like Kame would be a bomb and even the tiniest vibration of the ground would make him detonate. The corner of Kame’s lips curves into an anxious smile.
“Do you think I should?” he asks Jin, sounding painfully lost. It’s then when Jin realises that honestly speaking, he doesn’t know.
“Are you happy?” he asks Kame quietly. Kame takes another sip of water thoughtfully and shrugs. It doesn’t feel like a very promising sign. If Jin’s really thinks about it, he’s seen the signs for a while already.
“I don’t know,” Kame says and finally looks at him. “It’s strange. I haven’t been this miserable and tired in years,” he laughs softly. “Yet still…”
Jin doesn’t really know much about love - as a guy experiencing his first love in his thirties, he’s clearly a bit off his field. He’s heard from others that it’s painful, that it drives you up the walls and destroys you, but he doubts that it’s supposed to be quite like this. Even if love has such shitty features, it isn’t supposed to make someone miserable on the level Kame has sunk in. It’s a gruesome realisation that makes Jin doubt so many things, but the love he feels isn’t the same as the love Kame feels. He isn’t in a state of constant joy and bright lights that tickle his belly, but he’s seeing the world through a brighter filter nonetheless. It’s scary that Kame’s happiness is deteriorating so fast.
Then again, he shouldn’t jump to conclusions. Kame’s had a rough time, especially today. He isn’t thinking clearly, and he can’t expect him to. What he feels and says now might not reflect the entirety of the reality at all. It might hurt, but he’ll have to listen and stay there, because people are allowed to have their lows.
This isn’t about Jin. This is about Kame, who’s scared and whose legs are crippled by the painful production of lactate acid from his mindless, never-ending sprinting.
“Are you happy, Jin?” Kame asks him with a quiet voice. Jin thinks about it, and then he nods.
“Yeah,” he tells Kame softly, feeling a bit defensive. “I am.”
Kame draws in a deep breath. His shoulders rise in a defensive way that Jin hates.
“I’m just tired,” Kame admits brokenly, and yes, Jin can see that when he looks into his eyes. “I like you, I really do, but it’s so hard,” he insists, and for a man like Kame it probably is. “I’m exhausted. I used to think that it was worth it, but now I feel like I’m burning out. I’m starting to doubt if this is really worth it. Things used to be easy for me. I was happy.”
“Our situation isn’t ideal,” Jin admits. “But it’ll get better. Today was just a little stressful. It’s not always like this.”
“I know,” Kame gasps. “You’re right. I just… You opened up this new dimension in my life and it’s like a fucking earthquake, Jin, the buildings keep crumbling and it physically shakes me and I don’t know what to do, I’m just scared that it won’t stop. You make me happier than I remember ever being, but with the happiness comes this misery and all these problems and it just makes me feel like I’m not meant to have you. Do you understand that?” he asks desperately. “I know it’s stupid, but it feels really fucking real to me, okay?”
When he first got to see Kame’s blackened core, he’d seen the signs of depression. It had been easy to ignore once they’d gotten together, but now Jin feels the possibility staring him in the face and it’s actually pretty frightening, because he isn’t exactly sure how to make it even remotely better. “Can I come closer?” he asks from the doorframe and Kame is so tense when he stares at Jin desperately like that, simultaneously pushing him away and pulling him closer. Jin decides to take the silence as a yes and walks across the room to sit next to Kame who seems to crumble with the proximity.
“We aren’t breaking up tonight, Kame,” he tells his boyfriend gently, because really, someone’s got to keep their head straight right now. Kame gulps and his eyes keep flickering left and right a bit, but he never really looks away from Jin’s face. He doesn’t want to give Jin an opening to see how much of a mess he really is, even if he’s unable to fully hide it in his current state anyway. “Do you want to know why?”
“Why?” Kame asks defensively, because he doesn’t know if he’s ready to let Jin decide it just like that. He’s stubborn and he’s been alone for so long he’s learned to take care of himself. He might not have been happy exactly, but he’s kept himself afloat, and now Jin’s existence is rocking his one man lifeboat.
“Because you need me,” he tells Kame, and that seems to really hit a nerve. “I’m the only person in years who’s accepted and loved you as you are, who’s given you a chance to pursue that person. You need a person like that in your life.”
“I don’t want to need you,” Kame tells him frankly, looking suddenly much sharper than before. “I just can’t afford to need you, Jin.”
Jin takes the water glass from Kame’s hands and sets it on the table. He then grasps Kame’s shoulder and pulls him against his chest in an embracing hold. Kame wriggles. “Let go,” he snaps at him, sounding a little frantic and far from amused or touched.
“No.”
“Let go.”
Jin shakes his head. “No,” he repeats himself and places his chin on top of Kame’s head. “It’ll help, I promise.” Kame needs this, he needs physical contact to detox his system from all that poisonous stress, solitude and helplessness. “Just don’t think for a while, alright?” he suggests gently. “Today isn’t the day to talk about all of this.”
“I can’t need you,” Kame chokes out, refusing to let his body grasp onto Jin. “I think I’m going to lose you, Jin, because this is really fucking not meant to be, not with everything against this, and if I need you when I lose you I’ll really fucking crumble.”
“Who said that this isn’t meant to be?” Jin snorts and snuggles Kame a little bit. “You need to get your head out of that dark place.”
“You don’t understand.”
“Maybe not,” Jin admits with a thoughtful hum. “But I’d like to believe that together we could achieve something beyond our usual happiness. That’s what you make me feel, and I think you feel it too, but you just get stuck thinking about all the bad stuff that comes along.”
Kame sniffles. It’s quiet for a while, and Jin thinks that Kame’s on the verge of tears. It’s been a rough day for him. Jin’s been pretty damn freaked out and anxious himself - it’s hard to fully get a grasp of how bad it’s been to Kame.
“I’ve been crying a lot lately,” Kame admits to him quietly after his muscles have relaxed and Jin’s closeness has managed to soothe the harsh edge of the anxiety away. “I don’t think love is supposed to make you cry like this.”
Jin doesn’t really know what to say to that. He pulls Kame to lie down on the bed, climbs on top of him and buries his face in the crook of Kame’s neck.
The thing is, he doesn’t think that love is supposed to make you as miserable as Kame is either. It’s hard to keep insisting that what they have is right and good when it keeps clawing at Kame so painfully and relentlessly. It’s not really that they’re wrong - their circumstances and timing are wrong, and sometimes that’s all it takes to fall apart.
Unable to come up with something to make things better, he stays silent. The deafening silence and hopelessness suck out their energy, and although Jin doesn’t lose his will to fight, he can’t help but wonder if he’s really fighting for the right thing.
-3-
When Jin walks through the customs in Keflavík International Airport, there’s no one to await him. It’s a brand new corner of the world for him, this icy, Nordic island. He snaps a picture of the airport hall with people pointing at the large boards with flight details, their luggage tightly clutched in their hands.
His growling stomach urges him to grab a sandwich from a café and take a seat. He’s got time - no ticket to go anywhere, no deadlines. Not much money either, really - he’ll try to scrape up some as he goes, open for odd jobs and such, and maybe a bit of public performance. His plans are vague too, hazy images of geysers, volcanoes and small villages.
He brushes his fingers through his overgrown fringe, drawing it back messily from his face. The wheels of the hand luggage he’s pulling behind him rattle loudly, reminding him that yes, he’s on the move and that’s great. He feels a bit excited, to be honest. It’s a good and familiar feeling that anticipates something spectacular.
He’s determined to make this trip memorable.
It’s cold outside. Well, Jin has been through worse, but zero degrees Celsius do chill him to his very bones after a long and pleasant stay in Portugal. He zips up his thick coat and curses under his breath, trying to look for a taxi sign among the crowd.
He takes his place in the unjustly long queue and stuffs his cold fingers in his pockets. He fidgets on his feet, trying to warm up his muscles even just for a little bit. The man before him is lucky enough to have a pair of leather gloves on his hands. The fingers of his right hand are circled lazily around his Louis Vuitton luggage that seems far too feminine for a man, Jin thinks, and the other is holding a pocket-sized travel booklet to Iceland. It’s in Swedish.
“I’d kill for a woollen hat,” Jin tries to break the ice - there’s a long way to the beginning of the line and conversing with people calms him down. The man before him flinches and turns over, his brown eyes widened and pouty lips pressed together. He looks dumbfounded.
Not even nearly as dumbfounded as Jin feels, though. His heart jumps to his throat and he loses his ability to speak, to comprehend. He isn’t prepared for this. His brains aren’t functioning.
He ends up jerkily bowing his head deep in a greeting, somehow mixing up the customs from his homeland. Kame’s hold of his bag tightens and the travel booklet gets shut shakily. Jin feels the man’s eyes at his neck. He feels flushed all the way up to his ears.
“W-what are you doing?” Kame manages to stutter. He hastily brushes Jin’s bicep with his travel booklet to urge him to straighten up. Jin’s head shoots up and he licks his lips anxiously. Kame’s lips are bluish from the cold, and Jin really shouldn’t be looking at his lips, not now and… and…
“What are you doing in here?” he yells. His tone sounds a bit accusing and Kame flinches. “I mean, you. You. Iceland. What.” Well, good that he’s being clear. “And the queue,” Jin chokes out and pushes Kame backwards a bit, making him almost fall over so Jin has to grab a hold of his arm and steady him up. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to-”
“It’s okay, all’s fine,” Kame cuts him off with a nervous grimace. “And I’m. Uh. Travelling,” he tries to offer and waves the guide book in his hand over Jin’s face with a bubbly laughter. “You only live once, you know… Might as well have a look around.”
The air is so light it’s making him dizzy. For a moment, he’s deep in dream land and the sight of Kame is scarily ethereal in all its simplicity. The dark strands of hair that frame his face, peeking from under the thick woollen beanie. He looks small, although he’s not.
He draws in a deep breath that freezes his lungs. “I guess I just thought you’d never take the time.”
Kame chuckles awkwardly. His gaze averts for the tiniest moment. He’s not confident about this meeting either. They’re both unprepared and maybe even a little star struck, stuck with each other by chance.
“Things change. I have more time now.”
Things sure have changed, huh, but Jin has no idea how. The last news he’s gotten about Kame goes a few years back when his mother had mentioned over the phone that he hadn’t appeared in Going! Sports & News for a long time, or anywhere else for that matter.
It’s strange how he can be almost the same as all those years back in time, yet he has no idea what kind of a being Kame has morphed into. Here they are, meeting nearly at the other side of the world, and Jin has only experienced this awe in his wildest dreams that he never actually believed to come true.
“That’s great. Great for you,” Jin sniffles. “Really great.” He means it. Memories of the strung up and ready to snap Kame of the past rush back to him. The tense muscles of his mouth, dark bags under his eyes and the hands that had shook from his caffeine intake.
“It is,” Kame agrees, and him agreeing is so absurd that Jin has to bite his lip enough to hurt himself in order to convince himself that he’s actually awake. “I feel much better now, to be honest.”
“Great,” Jin croaks, feeling stupid and repetitive. “I’m glad.”
And then it hits him - a painful pang of jealousy. All these years after their separation he’s felt incomplete, incompetent, unable to truly enjoy his trips to the fullest or even love reality. It feels unfair that Kame has fixed up his life and enjoyed it, unlike him. Jin feels cheated, and maybe even a little bit unloved, which should actually be the norm, considering the fact that their relationship ended fucking years ago.
He wonders if Kame has somebody else now, and whether that person is male or female. By all logic, he should - they’re both old enough to be married, to have been married for a while now even. The thought hits all the air out of his lungs. He’s thought about it, yes, sometimes when he’s reminiscing about them. It’s just that thinking about Kame’s hypothetical rest of the life and actually facing it are two completely different things with two completely different pain levels.
“You’re the same as ever, though,” Kame notes awkwardly and motions at him. “Travelling.”
“Yeah. Right,” Jin agrees, although he doesn’t feel the same at all. All those years ago, something in him changed when he had gotten carried away with his first love. He’s never been the same again, but he sure as hell doesn’t want to tell that to Kame.
“Are you going to Reykjavik?” Kame asks him, because what’s easier to talk about than right here right now? Jin nods. “We could share a taxi. Save some money by splitting the bill.”
Jin glances at Kame’s lips again, and Kame really shouldn’t ask him like this. He has a feeling that if he follows him now, he won’t know how to walk away again. When he looks at Kame’s eyes, he can see his own uncertainty mirrored right back at him.
“You don’t have someone who’d get pissed about it?” he says jokingly even if it isn’t a joke at all. Kame catches up with the line again.
“No,” he says simply, and Jin wishes that his answer would be more elaborate. He doesn’t dare to ask again, though. Does it even matter?
Here and now, he has a chance of a lifetime. Even if their lives have moved on, maybe just for a while they could enter a vacuum in time and simply exist side by side without worries of things beyond the sea. Maybe Iceland could do the impossible and freeze them still so that they’d never have to part ways again.
“We can share that taxi,” Jin accepts the offer, feeling his long-passed youth resurfacing. Kame smiles at him and nods silently.
Jin wishes they would talk more.
The silence allows him to think, which makes him jump to all kinds of conclusions and painful trips down the memory lane. He’s a bit scared to speak, unconvinced that he’s prepared to know more about Kame just yet. He has so many questions, but the answers he might get scare him speechless.
The feeling seems to be mutual, because Kame falls silent and anxious as well. He looks like he’s having second thoughts when he climbs in the taxi. Jin’s stomach churns painfully. He’s never felt so discouraged in his life.
The taxi makes him feel claustrophobic, and that is definitely not a familiar feeling to him. He doesn’t know where to look, what to say or anything, really. It’s all dangerously frightening, this sudden chance he’s been given. He doesn’t want to mess up, but every second that ticks by awfully slowly he knows that he’s just letting it pass by like an idiot.
Jin forces himself to turn his head to see Kame on his left. His winter clothing rustles traitorously. He’s so self-aware that it’s ridiculous. Kame had invited him along. He’s not butting in. It’s fine to look. It’s understandable to look.
Kame’s looking out of the window. His shoulders are curved protectively, shutting Jin out like a fortress. Kame’s locked himself somewhere up in his mighty castle and Jin has no idea where he’s hid the key.
Trust Kame to give him mixed signals. A tiny spark of nostalgia tugs his lips.
His eyes travel back to the travel guide on Kame’s lap. He stares at it for a while. Kame’s fingers twitch, aware of his eyes.
“Your booklet is in Swedish,” he states calmly, not quite sure what to think of it. Kame licks his lips and turns his head away from him even more if possible. It’s really quite discouraging. Jin wants to call Kame out on his bullshit, but he doesn’t want to turn this into an argument. “You speak Swedish?”
“Yeah,” Kame answers - a simple and honest truth that means the world to Jin. Why? He doesn’t really dare to ask. It’s so frighteningly absurd.
“That’s pretty cool,” he ends up sighing. He scratches his nose and turns to look out of his window again. Kame speaks Swedish now. That’s an unusual skill to learn.
“I’ve lived there for a few years now,” Kame continues, trying to sound calm but there’s a nervous vibration in his voice. “I took classes.”
Jin’s heart jumps in his throat. It shouldn’t hurt like this. It just shouldn’t. All these years, barely hearing a single word of what he’s been up to and now all of the sudden… He chokes back a cry, blinking furiously. Fuck.
Kame turns to look at him, Jin can hear his clothes rustling. His gaze is like pure heat on Jin’s skin, a strange mixture of pleasant and uncomfortable. It’s like sunrays, and Jin can’t stop himself from fearing of getting burnt.
“What have you been up to?” Kame asks gently. “It’s been a while.”
Jin thinks about it. He turns to look at Kame and for a moment, he’s thirty again, thirty and helplessly in love for the first time in his life.
And then he tells Kame, losing himself in tales of places that start to shine more vibrantly now that he shares them with this one man he never wants to let go of.
-1-
At first Jin believes that Kame really is busy with work. He’s out of the city to attend some sports events and do interviews on location, which Jin thinks is a fair enough reason to spend some time apart. After three weeks and not enough time for even a call, Jin realises that a good part of it is just pretence.
It hurts kind of incredibly badly. It’s not like a one night stand who would’ve left the wrong number - Kame is supposed to be his friend, for god’s sake. Each day they spend apart makes Jin a little more conscious of his feelings, which isn’t exactly helping.
Jin wonders if Kame has similar feelings which keep him from contacting Jin. It’s ridiculous. Kame had been the one to reject him, so why isn’t he able to come over, face him and act like nothing different would be going on!? It feels like it’d help him a little. Then he wouldn’t have to miss Kame this much and constantly think about it.
When they meet again, it’s been over a month since that night they slept together. It’s nothing private either - Jin just finally manages to talk Kame into coming to play football with the guys.
Kame is one of the last ones to arrive. When he finally struts to the field with his sports bag hanging over his shoulder, the others are already finishing warming up. Jin had already thought that he wouldn’t show up at all.
“Took you long enough!” he scoffs and jogs over to Kame. He’s already broken into a bit of sweat, but seeing Kame heals the irritation of his lateness. Kame gives him a wonky smile, acting like nothing’s aloof at all.
“I overslept,” he insists. It’s a stupid excuse - Kame doesn’t oversleep. In fact, he barely does sleep. Jin gulps down the beginning of an argument and just takes Kame’s bag from his shoulder.
“Go and warm up. We don’t want to send you back broken,” he babbles and points at the others who are waving at them. Kame waves at the guys, ignoring Jin completely. It stings kind of really badly.
He understands that this is difficult, but he should be the one who’s acting strangely, not Kame. It’s unfair. He bites his lip grudgingly as Kame heads towards the others. Yamapi jogs to him as he starts carrying Kame’s bag where theirs are.
“Woah. That looked tense,” Yamapi tells him when he’s close enough to be heard with a quiet voice. Jin shrugs, feeling irritated. He glances at Kame who’s stretching while talking to the others with that wide, toothy smile of his.
“I just don’t get him,” he admits. “He’s like a woman. Completely irrational.”
Yamapi grimaces, sympathising with him. “Tell me about it. He’s completely different.”
Jin drops Kame’s bag next to his. “Whatever,” he mumbles bitterly. “It’s his problem.”
“Just don’t get hung up on him,” Yamapi advices him worriedly. “Maybe if you treat him enough like a friend, he’ll get over it and start acting normal again.”
“I am treating him the same way,” Jin spits venomously. “He’s the one who’s making such a big deal out of it. He doesn’t want to be more than friends, sure, I get that. I respect that. It’s just fucking stupid that he’s not acting like my friend anymore. It’s like he would’ve always had an ulterior motive or something. I don’t know. I just don’t get him. At all.”
Yamapi pats his shoulder. Jin catches him rolling his eyes and elbows him grumpily. Yamapi curses in pain and stumbles for a few steps. It makes Jin feel better, even if just for a little bit.
“Are you wussies ready!?” Ryo roars at them. “We’re deciding the teams in here!”
“Coming!” Jin hollers back and starts jogging with a tiny smile, leaving Yamapi behind cursing at him, trying to catch up and rubbing his side to soothe the pain. Kame is standing close between two of Jin’s friends, looking at Jin with a more serious expression.
Jin wishes he would be able to understand, but he can’t. If they’re always going to be like this, he doesn’t think their friendship can last very long.
They end up playing for the same team. It’s fun at first - when they make a goal, Jin gets to high five and strike stupid poses at him. Kame smiles back at him and returns most of the gestures. His gaze doesn’t linger, though. He’s bouncy, running around and communicating with the entire team, not that Jin wouldn’t be doing that either.
After a couple of hours, though, Jin’s fucking done with the cold shoulder. If this is how Kame’s planning to treat him, in front of his own friends, maybe he shouldn’t have come at all. Jin should’ve gotten the hint and stopped calling ages ago. He’d clearly valued their friendship more than Kame had.
Their team loses, which doesn’t exactly make his day better - he’s admittedly a bit of a sore loser, although he usually handles his losses better than he does today. Ryo teases him, just because he knows that Jin is feeling really agitated, and it makes Jin shut down a little as he packs the football back in his gym bag and takes a long swig of water from his bottle.
They all agree to get some ice-cream on the way home to cool them down from the ruthless exercise. Jin leisurely eats the creamy vanilla, feeling a little quiet for once. Yamapi and Ryo are walking a bit ahead of him, trying out each other’s flavours, and the rest of the gang is talking something in front of them, being loud as usual. Kame’s walking with them, laughing along to some joke someone cracked. He looks over his shoulder and his eyes meet Jin’s before they divert a bit sadly.
Jin feels a bit annoyed at that. He isn’t going to take any pity from Kame when they’re hanging out with his friends, alright. He’s not pathetic, just a bit down, and that doesn’t honestly have much to do with Kame rejecting him. Instead, it has everything to do with Kame treating him like air. It feels like they would’ve had a bad break-up, except for the fact that they never actually got together. It’s just idiotic.
He’s just about to catch up to Yamapi and Ryo when he realises that Kame has slipped out of the conversation and waits for him. He stays still until Jin reaches him, and then they walk side by side, awkwardly eating their ice-creams.
“So now you’re paying attention to me,” Jin snorts, not feeling particularly fond of the admittedly nice gesture. “You don’t have to pity me, I’m fine.”
“I know,” Kame says, although he sounds too soft to be convinced. “I’m sorry,” he continues and looks Jin right in the eyes in a way that makes his muscles go stiff in admiration. “I made things awkward, didn’t I?”
Jin thinks about it for a moment, but there’s no way to deny it. “Yeah, you did,” he resigns to saying, looking ahead because saying that while looking at Kame feels too cruel. He needs to keep his distance, because hurting Kame with the feelings he has is a hard thing to do on purpose. “You think we should stop seeing each other?”
“Do you?” Kame asks, sounding distressed. “Look, I’ve really enjoyed your company. Things just got a bit awkward between us. If you could just try going out with someone things would probably get easier for both of us, don’t you think?”
“I can’t,” Jin barks at Kame angrily. He lets out a hollow laughter - this is ridiculous. Kame glares at him. His lips are pressed tightly together and his fingers firmly squeeze the cup filled with strawberry ice-cream in his hand.
“Why?”
“Why, you ask,” Jin mumbles bitterly and turns his gaze away. He can’t deal with this. Whatever had made him think that this meeting would be a good idea, well, that had been all wrong. This sucks. “I have a crush on you. I can’t just suddenly not pay attention to you and hit it off with someone else with you around. I can’t just tune you out all of sudden.”
“You’re such a wussy. I slept with you once.”
“It’s not because of that!” Jin hisses venomously and squeezes his ice-cream cup so hard that the ice-cream ball pops off and falls to the pavement, staining Jin’s hand on the way. He pays no heed to it, rage clouding his view. Kame tenses. “I’m fucking serious!”
Kame’s lips twitch. Jin snorts coldly. “Forget it,” he mumbles and starts hurrying ahead towards the others. He’s not going to deal with this. If Kame wants to be an ass, fine, but he doesn’t have to put up with his crap. He’s dealing with it. That’s the best he can do.
“Jin,” Kame’s voice pleads as he catches the hem of Jin’s shirt a bit breathlessly. Jin yanks his shirt away from the man’s reach. Kame looks apologetic, though, and it makes Jin’s heart break a little more. “I’m sorry.”
It’s all he really needs to say. Jin really likes him, after all. He grimaces and averts his gaze.
“Just… don’t push me,” Jin mumbles and scratches his sweaty neck anxiously. “I’m not pushing you either.”
“I know,” Kame answers him and hands Jin his napkin so that he can wipe his hands clean. Jin does just that and tosses the trash in a bin on the way. Kame’s fallen silent again. Jin can’t really blame him, not after his outburst.
“Just give me some time,” he tries to tell Kame with a softer tone. “Be my friend and things will go back to normal again.” Not having Kame around has made him miss the guy twice as much.
“Alright,” Kame hums and puts another spoonful of ice-cream in his mouth, leaving Jin helplessly unknowledgeable of what’s truly going on in that shut-off head of his.
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