it never ends....
It's sad to say all of my entries lately when I have updated have been depressing (because i'm not constantly depressed)...but that's one of my biggest times to write the most-when I feel lost. Strange huh? I'm sick of entries of soul searching and self promising, as I'm sure u guys are, but this is one of them....so here we go.
I feel no need to go into deep specifics & long drafty details about the happenings of today. But let's just say the problems stemmed from my car situation (or lack there of) and my mum & dad not being able to act civilized with one another (dont even get me started). Let's also say that I had a return of the king sized cry and felt some harsh pains. It ended with a very emotional talk/rant/whatever to my mum & a solution from both my parents. Surprising. In the end I was reminded that my mum loves me no matter what is and takes VERY good care of me (especially financially) and that my dad values me above all else and would do anything for me. I was also reminded that no I'm not a bad person, a mean person, a cruel or selfish person, I'm not ugly, fat, or useless either. These are all names I continually label myself with and have for awhile...
While most of the time I have myself pulled together, I think it's safe to say there's ALOT of work to be done deep down in my soul. There are obviously a LOT of hurts that go too deep & have not mended just yet. Whether those hurts be recent or from when I was 5 years old, I tend to internalize them. Hurt and anger brew in me whether or not I let them out. They fester & build and seem to decay the nicer parts of me. There is something deep inside that is seriously damaged and needs nurturing. I havent figured it out yet...and maybe it might take another trip to Kripalu to find out. Maybe I should spend next summer there, searching and healing. It did wonders before. It cleansed me of all the extra shitty baggage that cling to me as a person. And I hate that baggage. I hate that anger that spews out at those who love me most. I hate that unstable emotion which bursts free & cries at will. I hate that depressed antisocial beast that doesnt talk when it isnt tended to. I hate that vengeful monster that preys on those who it thinks does it wrong. I hate that self-loathing maniac who looks in the mirror and cries because she thinks she isnt beautiful or hot enough. I hate that paranoid loner who fears the world resents her. I hate that insecure child who is lost in a world full of adult realities. All of these things cling to me and seem to mask my concious self. I know I'm not any of those things, but when those things begin to take over me, I tend to get lost in them. And I refuse to accept that those things are truly me. Cuz theyre not. Here's what I am; I am that child full of imagination who laughs at the stupidity of adult reality. I am confidence and want to see the same thing in others. I am the excitable spirit who wants to laugh all day. I am the one who values her friends over all else and loves them all more than they know. I am the independent wildflower who believes she WILL go all the places she says and do all the things she says she will. And that's that. At least I've reached a concious level (not where I was, say, when i was like 13) where I KNOW what is going on within me and dont agree with it. I might be wrestling with these demons for years but I refuse to let them swallow me up. Maybe this comes with the territory of being 17. I really think it may be a huge part of all this. This is a frightfully unsettling age. Stuck in between, not sure where you belong, not even sure who you are...but all I know is this...
Buddhism teaches us to take the bad and negative and put it immeadiately in the past and let it GO. It does not do to dwell. Dwelling on the negative parts of the day does nothing but spreads more negativity. So I'm gunna forget the arguing, the seriously hurtful words,the tears and everything. Because I have yo believe that it is all a passing thing....and it is. Tommorrow mum is buying a new car mainly for me.....
And also on another note, today was my first day downstairs "on the floor" in the salon part of my school. I'm still scared to get my first client but I like it alot better I think.
I feel no need to go into deep specifics & long drafty details about the happenings of today. But let's just say the problems stemmed from my car situation (or lack there of) and my mum & dad not being able to act civilized with one another (dont even get me started). Let's also say that I had a return of the king sized cry and felt some harsh pains. It ended with a very emotional talk/rant/whatever to my mum & a solution from both my parents. Surprising. In the end I was reminded that my mum loves me no matter what is and takes VERY good care of me (especially financially) and that my dad values me above all else and would do anything for me. I was also reminded that no I'm not a bad person, a mean person, a cruel or selfish person, I'm not ugly, fat, or useless either. These are all names I continually label myself with and have for awhile...
While most of the time I have myself pulled together, I think it's safe to say there's ALOT of work to be done deep down in my soul. There are obviously a LOT of hurts that go too deep & have not mended just yet. Whether those hurts be recent or from when I was 5 years old, I tend to internalize them. Hurt and anger brew in me whether or not I let them out. They fester & build and seem to decay the nicer parts of me. There is something deep inside that is seriously damaged and needs nurturing. I havent figured it out yet...and maybe it might take another trip to Kripalu to find out. Maybe I should spend next summer there, searching and healing. It did wonders before. It cleansed me of all the extra shitty baggage that cling to me as a person. And I hate that baggage. I hate that anger that spews out at those who love me most. I hate that unstable emotion which bursts free & cries at will. I hate that depressed antisocial beast that doesnt talk when it isnt tended to. I hate that vengeful monster that preys on those who it thinks does it wrong. I hate that self-loathing maniac who looks in the mirror and cries because she thinks she isnt beautiful or hot enough. I hate that paranoid loner who fears the world resents her. I hate that insecure child who is lost in a world full of adult realities. All of these things cling to me and seem to mask my concious self. I know I'm not any of those things, but when those things begin to take over me, I tend to get lost in them. And I refuse to accept that those things are truly me. Cuz theyre not. Here's what I am; I am that child full of imagination who laughs at the stupidity of adult reality. I am confidence and want to see the same thing in others. I am the excitable spirit who wants to laugh all day. I am the one who values her friends over all else and loves them all more than they know. I am the independent wildflower who believes she WILL go all the places she says and do all the things she says she will. And that's that. At least I've reached a concious level (not where I was, say, when i was like 13) where I KNOW what is going on within me and dont agree with it. I might be wrestling with these demons for years but I refuse to let them swallow me up. Maybe this comes with the territory of being 17. I really think it may be a huge part of all this. This is a frightfully unsettling age. Stuck in between, not sure where you belong, not even sure who you are...but all I know is this...
Buddhism teaches us to take the bad and negative and put it immeadiately in the past and let it GO. It does not do to dwell. Dwelling on the negative parts of the day does nothing but spreads more negativity. So I'm gunna forget the arguing, the seriously hurtful words,the tears and everything. Because I have yo believe that it is all a passing thing....and it is. Tommorrow mum is buying a new car mainly for me.....
And also on another note, today was my first day downstairs "on the floor" in the salon part of my school. I'm still scared to get my first client but I like it alot better I think.