"complete & uttter bastard"
So if u havent already heard, Chris broke up with me tuesday. Called me up & did it. I was shocked & devastated. And let's just say I've cried about it everyday since it happened. I dunno, to me, this is just pitiful to be this way & i hate it. I hate feeling lonely & sad. I hate feeling abandoned. I hate NOT being able to just hate Chris and get over it. I hate that the fact that sweet memories of him never cease to make me cry. This is definitely not fun. He took so much from me without even knowing it. He took himself from me, prom, summer, kisses, that little smirk he used to give me ....shall I go on? Now I feel alone. Left in the dust. I'm still in this denial stage where I wont admit hes not mine anymore. I cried 2 Lauren the other night just insisting "hes mine". It kills me. And everyone tells me I'm "a beautiful great girl & can do better....can get any guy"....whatever-and STILL, I'm missing my Gingy...WAIT, sorry-hes not MINE anymore. People tell me "hes JUST chris & i can do better"....but somehow i find it hard to believe. Those people didnt see the way he looked at me, they didnt get those special kisses, and they were never special & exclusive to him. To them hes just CHris....stupid chris. And I can still hear him calling me his beautiful girl ...I can still feel that red hair through my fingertips...cheesy as it sounds, I can. I actually got back from work awhile ago...he was working too. We didnt talk...he DID walk past me & slam something but we didnt talk. But there were a few moments...wen no one was around that I glanced over at him. He looked sad...he wasnt laughing with the boys like he was wen they were around. That just made me wanna cry. To feel so far away from him now absolutely KILLS me. I cant go hug him or kiss him or call him to say sweet dreams...hes not mine. I have no one. I hate to say it like this....but lauren has whitcomb...gina has connor...and jill has jacob. Everyone is happy and has there comfort at the end of the night. Me? I cling to my long pillow and cry at night. I listen to my friends complain about their boyfriends now & wanna throw up. At least theyre not alone. I dunno...i'm just in a really difficult position right now. I havent been this way over a guy in YEARS. Since Patrick, really. Its so hard....I guess I just hafta be strong & focus on myself now. And just HOPE another better one will come along...even tho i dont want anyone else right now.....I'm sure I'll cry again tonight & im sure only time will heal this. I'm sure ill look back on all this in a year & laugh....but for now...my heart is broken.