5003: Ave and the Prisoner DISCONTINUED - Avery Melody Whittaker not Rowling but Black
Title: Ave and the Prisoner DISCONTINUED
Perpetrator: jlora123
Sue-O-Meter: Toxic
Cover/Banner Art: Their avatar is Spougebob Squarepants
Summary: “Ave Whittaker is normal in all ways except for one: she's a witch. When she starts her first year at Hogwarts, she's in for a major surprise-Sirius Black, notorious prisoner from Azkaban, the wizard prison, has escaped and is on the loose. DISCONTINUED” The summary inside of the chapter reads, “Avery Whittaker is normal in all ways except for one: she's a witch. When she starts her first year at Hogwarts, she's in for a major surprise-Sirius Black, notorious prisoner from Azkaban, the wizard prison, has escaped and is on the loose. That's not the worst part though. He's looking for her new best friend, Harry Potter, and is on the way to Hogwarts. Looks like Ave is in for a wild ride through first year and beyond.”
Full Name: Avery “Ave” Melody Whittaker/Rowling/Black
Species: She’s a hyperactive twit.
Hair: “…her long, curly black hair…”
Eyes: “…her gray eyes open wide with fear.”
Markings: “Sure she looked different from all the Whittaker’s, as they all had straight, dull brown hair and eyes, and were all tall, whereas she stood a measly 4’7”, and had blue-black curls and gray eyes, but she would KNOW.”
Possessions: Her brothers Doug and Theo are back. She also has her useless parents, but lives at “The Smallest Bedroom, 39 Hawthorne Street, - shire, England.” I guess we should be glad our American is living in England when she gets her letter. It doesn’t explain why she’s living in England though. She has a kitten named Gwen.
Connection to Canon: We yet again have her serving breakfast like Harry Potter is when his story opens up after the time skip. Again, she learns she is a foster child who happens to share the same last name as her foster family. She promises to come back for Dougie yet Theo is forgotten, but the narrative says she has only one brother. McGonagall tells her, “I’m sure you don’t want to be called Whittaker anymore, now that you have escaped that house. We’re going to call you by the name Rowling (A/N: lol, just had to) for the time being, until we find out who your true parents are. Is it okay with you that we call you Rowling?” I’m not sure whether to be thankful Avery turns this down given the fact she does this because her name is the only thing she’s ever been called by which makes one question why this was even brought up. She gets an info dump on Voldemort, Harry and Sirius Black before going to Diagon Alley. She’s excited because she “can read books, play in the park across the street, draw, make friends with the other children living in this building, do nothing” yet McGonagall is apparently her new legal guardian simply because the writer can make this so. Right around when Harry disappears Minerva walks in on Ave having rearranged the flat yet this apparently confirms Minerva’s suspicions regarding who her parents were, yet we never understand what happens as the writer never tells us. She meets Harry while he is getting fitted and Harry instantly likes her. I’m a bit confused why this wasn’t all done two weeks before. In chapter three she meets Draco at the station and is again instantly friends with Harry. (Why is a first year not hanging out with kids her age?) She’s then there when Draco shows up to annoy Harry. Chapter ends with her being sorted into Gryffindor, but not before she yells at Minerva about rearranging the flat and the kitten. The next morning and next chapter starts with her acting super hyper around Harry making me wonder why he’s letting her hang around as she’s annoying. The chapter ends with her getting the bezoar question which she gets right and this loses her points with Gryffindor simply because Snape “would prefer to not have a bunch of smart asses in my classes.” She gets waken up in history class by someone named Jessica and then finds a place called The Chamber of Ever Vanishing Faces and has to see the people with the vanishing faces because she’s locked in the room. She escapes and hears Draco talking about her connection with Black. How convenient for her to find out she looks like Sirius Black. Chapter six ends with her hearing about Harry complaining about Trelawny and opens up with her basically accounting him in the bedroom on Halloween morning because she is excited about getting free candy. We learn she loves annoying Lupin and he doesn’t mind. By the ends she runs into Black. This leads to everyone staying in the great hall in chapter’s eight and that is it.
Origin: This is supposed to be Ave’s first year yet Harry Potter is already her new best friend, yet like with the rewrite I’m guessing she’s the daughter of Sirius Black. She’s also an American born on Independence Day. She’s supposed to be best friends with Harry, yet every time they interact I find myself cringing.
Special Abilities: We’re supposed to believe the only extraordinary thing regarding Ave is the fact she’s a witch. If she’s eleven, 4’7” is not measly, yet even if she was why would the child of Sirius Black be small unless the writer thinks this makes her character unique? We’re also meant to believe she’s “normal” except for being a witch, yet the writer plays up her lack of height.
Notes: I find these stories where the foster child shares the same last name as the foster family rather annoying. This amped the whole thing up when suddenly she’s getting yet another name change in the second chapter. I also think it is worth knowing that toning down the writing in an edit doesn’t negate a characters status as a Sue, nor does using fancier wording.
Sample:
Avery Whittaker shot up from her bed panting, her long, curly black hair plastered to her face with sweat and her gray eyes open wide with fear. She had just woken up from a nightmare and was frightened out of her mind.
Trying to remember it was like trying to hold water in your hands. It's there for a moment, but the next it's trickling away. She could definitely remember three large animals and a laughing man, with a snake's nose. Or did she? She couldn't tell anymore.
"AVERY MELODY WHITTAKER! GET YOUR LAZY BUTT DOWN HERE AND START WITH BREAKFAST!" Mrs. Jessica Whittaker screeched upwards towards Avery's room, startling her from her thoughts. Groaning, she rolled off of the bed and threw on a pair of sweats and a shirt that said London across the front in block letter. Dragging her feet, Ave walked down the stairs sadly. Had her mother and father really forgotten her eleventh birthday was today? Eleven was an important number, especially when born on July 4th, Independence Day in America.
"Sorry Ave, happy birthday," Her brother, Doug, whispered to her as she walked slowly towards the kitchen. He was the only one in her immediate family that liked her.
Avery had had a hard childhood. Her parents, Jessica and Jacob, had never really shown they cared for her. They preferred Doug, who was two years younger, and a billion times better in their eyes. No matter how good Ave did in school, or how good she was at home, they had never loved her as a daughter. They saw her more as a nuisance, or as their personal slave. Though they treated her horribly, she still loved her parents.
Perpetrator: jlora123
Sue-O-Meter: Toxic
Cover/Banner Art: Their avatar is Spougebob Squarepants
Summary: “Ave Whittaker is normal in all ways except for one: she's a witch. When she starts her first year at Hogwarts, she's in for a major surprise-Sirius Black, notorious prisoner from Azkaban, the wizard prison, has escaped and is on the loose. DISCONTINUED” The summary inside of the chapter reads, “Avery Whittaker is normal in all ways except for one: she's a witch. When she starts her first year at Hogwarts, she's in for a major surprise-Sirius Black, notorious prisoner from Azkaban, the wizard prison, has escaped and is on the loose. That's not the worst part though. He's looking for her new best friend, Harry Potter, and is on the way to Hogwarts. Looks like Ave is in for a wild ride through first year and beyond.”
Full Name: Avery “Ave” Melody Whittaker/Rowling/Black
Species: She’s a hyperactive twit.
Hair: “…her long, curly black hair…”
Eyes: “…her gray eyes open wide with fear.”
Markings: “Sure she looked different from all the Whittaker’s, as they all had straight, dull brown hair and eyes, and were all tall, whereas she stood a measly 4’7”, and had blue-black curls and gray eyes, but she would KNOW.”
Possessions: Her brothers Doug and Theo are back. She also has her useless parents, but lives at “The Smallest Bedroom, 39 Hawthorne Street, - shire, England.” I guess we should be glad our American is living in England when she gets her letter. It doesn’t explain why she’s living in England though. She has a kitten named Gwen.
Connection to Canon: We yet again have her serving breakfast like Harry Potter is when his story opens up after the time skip. Again, she learns she is a foster child who happens to share the same last name as her foster family. She promises to come back for Dougie yet Theo is forgotten, but the narrative says she has only one brother. McGonagall tells her, “I’m sure you don’t want to be called Whittaker anymore, now that you have escaped that house. We’re going to call you by the name Rowling (A/N: lol, just had to) for the time being, until we find out who your true parents are. Is it okay with you that we call you Rowling?” I’m not sure whether to be thankful Avery turns this down given the fact she does this because her name is the only thing she’s ever been called by which makes one question why this was even brought up. She gets an info dump on Voldemort, Harry and Sirius Black before going to Diagon Alley. She’s excited because she “can read books, play in the park across the street, draw, make friends with the other children living in this building, do nothing” yet McGonagall is apparently her new legal guardian simply because the writer can make this so. Right around when Harry disappears Minerva walks in on Ave having rearranged the flat yet this apparently confirms Minerva’s suspicions regarding who her parents were, yet we never understand what happens as the writer never tells us. She meets Harry while he is getting fitted and Harry instantly likes her. I’m a bit confused why this wasn’t all done two weeks before. In chapter three she meets Draco at the station and is again instantly friends with Harry. (Why is a first year not hanging out with kids her age?) She’s then there when Draco shows up to annoy Harry. Chapter ends with her being sorted into Gryffindor, but not before she yells at Minerva about rearranging the flat and the kitten. The next morning and next chapter starts with her acting super hyper around Harry making me wonder why he’s letting her hang around as she’s annoying. The chapter ends with her getting the bezoar question which she gets right and this loses her points with Gryffindor simply because Snape “would prefer to not have a bunch of smart asses in my classes.” She gets waken up in history class by someone named Jessica and then finds a place called The Chamber of Ever Vanishing Faces and has to see the people with the vanishing faces because she’s locked in the room. She escapes and hears Draco talking about her connection with Black. How convenient for her to find out she looks like Sirius Black. Chapter six ends with her hearing about Harry complaining about Trelawny and opens up with her basically accounting him in the bedroom on Halloween morning because she is excited about getting free candy. We learn she loves annoying Lupin and he doesn’t mind. By the ends she runs into Black. This leads to everyone staying in the great hall in chapter’s eight and that is it.
Origin: This is supposed to be Ave’s first year yet Harry Potter is already her new best friend, yet like with the rewrite I’m guessing she’s the daughter of Sirius Black. She’s also an American born on Independence Day. She’s supposed to be best friends with Harry, yet every time they interact I find myself cringing.
Special Abilities: We’re supposed to believe the only extraordinary thing regarding Ave is the fact she’s a witch. If she’s eleven, 4’7” is not measly, yet even if she was why would the child of Sirius Black be small unless the writer thinks this makes her character unique? We’re also meant to believe she’s “normal” except for being a witch, yet the writer plays up her lack of height.
Notes: I find these stories where the foster child shares the same last name as the foster family rather annoying. This amped the whole thing up when suddenly she’s getting yet another name change in the second chapter. I also think it is worth knowing that toning down the writing in an edit doesn’t negate a characters status as a Sue, nor does using fancier wording.
Sample:
Avery Whittaker shot up from her bed panting, her long, curly black hair plastered to her face with sweat and her gray eyes open wide with fear. She had just woken up from a nightmare and was frightened out of her mind.
Trying to remember it was like trying to hold water in your hands. It's there for a moment, but the next it's trickling away. She could definitely remember three large animals and a laughing man, with a snake's nose. Or did she? She couldn't tell anymore.
"AVERY MELODY WHITTAKER! GET YOUR LAZY BUTT DOWN HERE AND START WITH BREAKFAST!" Mrs. Jessica Whittaker screeched upwards towards Avery's room, startling her from her thoughts. Groaning, she rolled off of the bed and threw on a pair of sweats and a shirt that said London across the front in block letter. Dragging her feet, Ave walked down the stairs sadly. Had her mother and father really forgotten her eleventh birthday was today? Eleven was an important number, especially when born on July 4th, Independence Day in America.
"Sorry Ave, happy birthday," Her brother, Doug, whispered to her as she walked slowly towards the kitchen. He was the only one in her immediate family that liked her.
Avery had had a hard childhood. Her parents, Jessica and Jacob, had never really shown they cared for her. They preferred Doug, who was two years younger, and a billion times better in their eyes. No matter how good Ave did in school, or how good she was at home, they had never loved her as a daughter. They saw her more as a nuisance, or as their personal slave. Though they treated her horribly, she still loved her parents.