4172: Unexpected Beginnings: The Story of Evalane Potter - Evalane Lily Potter
Wow. Today’s entry left me a bit baffled. The kind of mistakes the writer is making
Title: Unexpected Beginnings: The Story of Evalane Potter
Perpetrator: kcywrite
Sue-O-Meter: Toxic
Cover/Banner Art: None
Summary: “Everyone knows and loves the story of Harry Potter, but what if he had an older sister no one knew about? A sister no one remembered? And what if she just so happened to be best friends with the future greatest consulting detective in the world?”
Full Name: Evalane Lily Potter
Species: She’s Harry’s older sister.
Hair: She has black hair. When she grows up, it is long.
Eyes: She has green eyes, specifically described as emerald.
Markings: Nothing I can think of. This said, she recognizes Harry’s scar, despite the fact she shouldn’t know her brother has said scar.
Possessions: Nothing. She actually went to school with no school supplies, which is kind of funny, but only ends up being a face palm in regards to plot devices.
Connection to Canon: I opened up the story, and found myself cringing at the perfection of the Potter family’s life, including finding out at a week old that Harry is the Chosen One. In fact, it feels like there is no war going on, but the characters are overly emotional, with James being described at one point as “tears were brimming in his eyes, clouding his vision.” So, on top of the kids acting older than they actually are, we’ve got adults acting younger than they are. (It is quite possible we have a young writer, but there is something else which keeps nagging me about the characterization. It’s got a kind of sugary fluff tone to the series.) Even when their parents died, this sickly sweet tone remains, and Evalane is supposedly hiding in the wardrobe. Which is odd that Lily didn’t hide Harry in with Evalane, I think, if she hid her daughter. She gets forgotten because “only mummy could tell her to leave”, but nobody thought to look for her. (No Suethor, they would look for her.) Instead, she is found by a man named Todd Knaggs. He’s a drunk, and is shocked that nobody asks why he’s kidnapped. Jump to the second chapter where she works at a grocery store, never attends Hogwarts despite the fact there is no evidence she is a squib. Maybe the writer thought of it, but there is a chance they didn’t. She knows Sherlock. (From Sherlock.) Turns out they didn’t, because her father kept her letter from her. (I don’t buy it, considering how many times they sent letters to Harry, or why they didn’t go looking for her despite the fact she was kidnapped - but then again, nobody looked for her when it made sense to look for her in the first place.) She decides to randomly show up at the train because Sherlock encourages her to. Her fake father is drunk, tells her to give him no lip, but when she tells him she goes to school that starts today, he says to be home at night. The chapter ends with, “her adopted father had given her so much grief lately that she deserved to find her happiness, even if he was being left behind.” A lot of the story so far is about how amazing the Sue is and how life’s given her a bad hand, yet I’ve no sympathy for her, because I can’t believe a character can be as perfect as she is, yet her angst ridden past is just not believable one bit. Suddenly, Evalane is stealing lines from Hermione and acting like a Sherlock knock off with lines such as, “no major deductions, just simple observations.” Nobody asks who she is though, but she knows she’s his sister and just blabs it to Harry. Harry’s realistic reaction that he isn’t sure whether to believe her or not is described as, “it felt worse than being slapped in the face”, but the fact she knows all of this after so many years, and who Lupin is? Yes, that’s hinted at as well, it’s bloody annoying. Of course, when she blabs her story, Harry is on her side, but Hermione is asking if she has her school supplies, but they’re helping her. The thing is, Hermione would be asking a lot more questions, but getting an adult. Nobody is reacting to her existence still in the fifth chapter, and we move to Sherlock being bored because his friend isn’t around. Then we jump to Professor McGonagall seeing her, and simply saying, “It’s good to see you again, Miss Potter.” Chapter ends with her getting sorted into Slytherin.
Origin: As the writer says, “all characters and places belong to the wonderful J.K. Rowling as well as BBC’s Sherlock and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. I can only take credit for my OCs and the wild ride I’m about to take them on! This is my first fanfiction, so thank you for giving it a read!” So, I honestly don’t mind an OC being the main character, but what I’m looking for isn’t a story which takes the OCs on a wild ride as that screams wish fulfillment.
Special Abilities: We’ve yet another Sue who doesn’t act like a normal child, using abnormal vocabulary but also showing abnormal awareness of what’s going on. We’re also supposed to believe that Evalane is two years old when Harry is only a week old despite the fact Lily and James only lived three and a half years after graduating, which would mean that she was conceived while they were still at school, but Harry’s apparently walking even though he was only a week old, but then again, the writer claims that they were nineteen when they had Evalane and got married, which means she’s actually a year old when Dumbledore approached, not two, as there is supposed to be a time skip. She knows things she shouldn’t, but I wouldn’t say she has an eidetic memory, yet that is the only way she could remember.
Notes: When I see the writer declare nobody remembers their OC, I know I’ve got a Mary Sue on my hands. Saying nobody remembers them screams that said character isn’t remembered, but has a story people should remember.
Sample:
"Mummy what's going on," Evalane asked her mother. "Where's Daddy?" Lily did not hear her daughter while she locked the nursery door behind them. She rushed over to her son's small yellow wardrobe and opened the doors.
"Evalane, darling, Mummy needs you to stay in here for a while." Lily gently, and with such an urgency that her hands were visibly trembling. "No matter what happens, do not come out until I say. Do you understand?"
"Yes Mummy," Evalane responded quickly, thinking that perhaps they were playing a game, and her daddy was playing hide and seek with them. In actuality of course, Lily knew it was Harry that Voldemort was after, so if she had to get her daughter out of the line of fire in order to devote her full attention to protecting her little boy. She tried with all her might to push out the guilt of never telling James the secret of Evalane, but maybe someday, the truth would reveal itself.
"Mummy loves you Evalane Lily Potter," choking back tears, Lily closed the wardrobe shut.
The darkness consumed Evalane's vision, and to her own fortune, it prevented her from seeing the horrors on the other side of the wardrobe. Sounds, however, came through the wood loud and clear, and though the three-year-old could not comprehend what these sounds meant at the moment, they would haunt her for years to come. She could hear her little brother's door crash and a man's voice, not her father's, utter two horrible words that Evalane had never heard before. Whatever those words meant, her mother's screams were quickly silenced, and for a brief moment, a green light illuminated the room and made its way through the cracks in the wardrobe. Then little Harry began to cry, and the two words were spoken once more and followed by the green light. This time, however, Harry's crying continued, and Evalane began to worry. Why had her mother not comforted Harry yet? Where did the green light come from? Why hadn't Mummy tell her to get out of the wardrobe yet?
Hours passed, and Evalane sat in the wardrobe and waited to see her mother's face when the doors reopened. Different noises from the other side tempted her into leaving, but she did not want to upset her mother by disobeying. When she heard Harry's crying resumed from a brief hour of silenced, she pulled her knees to her chest and silently practiced the alphabet that her father had taught her the day before. She put her hands over her ears when Harry's cries were accompanied by those of a man but sounded like a wounded animal. Even when she heard Uncle Sirius comfort her brother to sleep, she remained unmoving and silent. Only Mummy could tell her to leave.
Evalane dozed off for what felt like a few moments when a yellow light shone through her eyelids. She eagerly jolted her head up, expecting to see her mother's face smiling with pride in her daughter's impeccable obedience. Instead, she saw a man in his early thirties staring at her and completely gob smacked to see a toddler hiding in the wardrobe.
Todd Knaggs had spent the majority of his life on the streets of London, trying to get enough cash to get by, but in the last five months, he had resorted to thievery in order to support his alcoholism. He had just finished off his fifth pint of beer when he found what was left of the Potter's home. He grinned viciously and ransacked the home of its remaining treasures, spending much of his time helping himself to James Potter's clothes and hair products to fashion himself to look like a billionaire and his scraggly beard into what he believed to be a lovely goatee. When he searched the nursery, he was searching for anything he could pawn off for money. Babies were so spoiled by their families that there must be some old family heirloom worth a couple pounds in here. Instead, he saw a tiny girl, no more than three-years-old, curled up in a ball in the wardrobe.
An idea crossed the thief's mind, and oh was it a brilliant idea. No one just leaves a child behind; surely someone would be looking for her, and when they do, Todd would be waiting patiently for an obscene amount of ransom money. He took the child, much to her displeasure, and took her to her to his "house" on the outskirts of London. Years began to slip away, and still no news had come about the girl's kidnapping. While he was furious about his failed investment, he elected to use the girl to his deepest and filthiest pleasures.
Evalane never forgot that day, and no matter how many beatings or sexual advances she had to endure, she knew where she truly belonged. It was not until twelve years later that she was able to escape the clutches of this monster for but a while.
Title: Unexpected Beginnings: The Story of Evalane Potter
Perpetrator: kcywrite
Sue-O-Meter: Toxic
Cover/Banner Art: None
Summary: “Everyone knows and loves the story of Harry Potter, but what if he had an older sister no one knew about? A sister no one remembered? And what if she just so happened to be best friends with the future greatest consulting detective in the world?”
Full Name: Evalane Lily Potter
Species: She’s Harry’s older sister.
Hair: She has black hair. When she grows up, it is long.
Eyes: She has green eyes, specifically described as emerald.
Markings: Nothing I can think of. This said, she recognizes Harry’s scar, despite the fact she shouldn’t know her brother has said scar.
Possessions: Nothing. She actually went to school with no school supplies, which is kind of funny, but only ends up being a face palm in regards to plot devices.
Connection to Canon: I opened up the story, and found myself cringing at the perfection of the Potter family’s life, including finding out at a week old that Harry is the Chosen One. In fact, it feels like there is no war going on, but the characters are overly emotional, with James being described at one point as “tears were brimming in his eyes, clouding his vision.” So, on top of the kids acting older than they actually are, we’ve got adults acting younger than they are. (It is quite possible we have a young writer, but there is something else which keeps nagging me about the characterization. It’s got a kind of sugary fluff tone to the series.) Even when their parents died, this sickly sweet tone remains, and Evalane is supposedly hiding in the wardrobe. Which is odd that Lily didn’t hide Harry in with Evalane, I think, if she hid her daughter. She gets forgotten because “only mummy could tell her to leave”, but nobody thought to look for her. (No Suethor, they would look for her.) Instead, she is found by a man named Todd Knaggs. He’s a drunk, and is shocked that nobody asks why he’s kidnapped. Jump to the second chapter where she works at a grocery store, never attends Hogwarts despite the fact there is no evidence she is a squib. Maybe the writer thought of it, but there is a chance they didn’t. She knows Sherlock. (From Sherlock.) Turns out they didn’t, because her father kept her letter from her. (I don’t buy it, considering how many times they sent letters to Harry, or why they didn’t go looking for her despite the fact she was kidnapped - but then again, nobody looked for her when it made sense to look for her in the first place.) She decides to randomly show up at the train because Sherlock encourages her to. Her fake father is drunk, tells her to give him no lip, but when she tells him she goes to school that starts today, he says to be home at night. The chapter ends with, “her adopted father had given her so much grief lately that she deserved to find her happiness, even if he was being left behind.” A lot of the story so far is about how amazing the Sue is and how life’s given her a bad hand, yet I’ve no sympathy for her, because I can’t believe a character can be as perfect as she is, yet her angst ridden past is just not believable one bit. Suddenly, Evalane is stealing lines from Hermione and acting like a Sherlock knock off with lines such as, “no major deductions, just simple observations.” Nobody asks who she is though, but she knows she’s his sister and just blabs it to Harry. Harry’s realistic reaction that he isn’t sure whether to believe her or not is described as, “it felt worse than being slapped in the face”, but the fact she knows all of this after so many years, and who Lupin is? Yes, that’s hinted at as well, it’s bloody annoying. Of course, when she blabs her story, Harry is on her side, but Hermione is asking if she has her school supplies, but they’re helping her. The thing is, Hermione would be asking a lot more questions, but getting an adult. Nobody is reacting to her existence still in the fifth chapter, and we move to Sherlock being bored because his friend isn’t around. Then we jump to Professor McGonagall seeing her, and simply saying, “It’s good to see you again, Miss Potter.” Chapter ends with her getting sorted into Slytherin.
Origin: As the writer says, “all characters and places belong to the wonderful J.K. Rowling as well as BBC’s Sherlock and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. I can only take credit for my OCs and the wild ride I’m about to take them on! This is my first fanfiction, so thank you for giving it a read!” So, I honestly don’t mind an OC being the main character, but what I’m looking for isn’t a story which takes the OCs on a wild ride as that screams wish fulfillment.
Special Abilities: We’ve yet another Sue who doesn’t act like a normal child, using abnormal vocabulary but also showing abnormal awareness of what’s going on. We’re also supposed to believe that Evalane is two years old when Harry is only a week old despite the fact Lily and James only lived three and a half years after graduating, which would mean that she was conceived while they were still at school, but Harry’s apparently walking even though he was only a week old, but then again, the writer claims that they were nineteen when they had Evalane and got married, which means she’s actually a year old when Dumbledore approached, not two, as there is supposed to be a time skip. She knows things she shouldn’t, but I wouldn’t say she has an eidetic memory, yet that is the only way she could remember.
Notes: When I see the writer declare nobody remembers their OC, I know I’ve got a Mary Sue on my hands. Saying nobody remembers them screams that said character isn’t remembered, but has a story people should remember.
Sample:
"Mummy what's going on," Evalane asked her mother. "Where's Daddy?" Lily did not hear her daughter while she locked the nursery door behind them. She rushed over to her son's small yellow wardrobe and opened the doors.
"Evalane, darling, Mummy needs you to stay in here for a while." Lily gently, and with such an urgency that her hands were visibly trembling. "No matter what happens, do not come out until I say. Do you understand?"
"Yes Mummy," Evalane responded quickly, thinking that perhaps they were playing a game, and her daddy was playing hide and seek with them. In actuality of course, Lily knew it was Harry that Voldemort was after, so if she had to get her daughter out of the line of fire in order to devote her full attention to protecting her little boy. She tried with all her might to push out the guilt of never telling James the secret of Evalane, but maybe someday, the truth would reveal itself.
"Mummy loves you Evalane Lily Potter," choking back tears, Lily closed the wardrobe shut.
The darkness consumed Evalane's vision, and to her own fortune, it prevented her from seeing the horrors on the other side of the wardrobe. Sounds, however, came through the wood loud and clear, and though the three-year-old could not comprehend what these sounds meant at the moment, they would haunt her for years to come. She could hear her little brother's door crash and a man's voice, not her father's, utter two horrible words that Evalane had never heard before. Whatever those words meant, her mother's screams were quickly silenced, and for a brief moment, a green light illuminated the room and made its way through the cracks in the wardrobe. Then little Harry began to cry, and the two words were spoken once more and followed by the green light. This time, however, Harry's crying continued, and Evalane began to worry. Why had her mother not comforted Harry yet? Where did the green light come from? Why hadn't Mummy tell her to get out of the wardrobe yet?
Hours passed, and Evalane sat in the wardrobe and waited to see her mother's face when the doors reopened. Different noises from the other side tempted her into leaving, but she did not want to upset her mother by disobeying. When she heard Harry's crying resumed from a brief hour of silenced, she pulled her knees to her chest and silently practiced the alphabet that her father had taught her the day before. She put her hands over her ears when Harry's cries were accompanied by those of a man but sounded like a wounded animal. Even when she heard Uncle Sirius comfort her brother to sleep, she remained unmoving and silent. Only Mummy could tell her to leave.
Evalane dozed off for what felt like a few moments when a yellow light shone through her eyelids. She eagerly jolted her head up, expecting to see her mother's face smiling with pride in her daughter's impeccable obedience. Instead, she saw a man in his early thirties staring at her and completely gob smacked to see a toddler hiding in the wardrobe.
Todd Knaggs had spent the majority of his life on the streets of London, trying to get enough cash to get by, but in the last five months, he had resorted to thievery in order to support his alcoholism. He had just finished off his fifth pint of beer when he found what was left of the Potter's home. He grinned viciously and ransacked the home of its remaining treasures, spending much of his time helping himself to James Potter's clothes and hair products to fashion himself to look like a billionaire and his scraggly beard into what he believed to be a lovely goatee. When he searched the nursery, he was searching for anything he could pawn off for money. Babies were so spoiled by their families that there must be some old family heirloom worth a couple pounds in here. Instead, he saw a tiny girl, no more than three-years-old, curled up in a ball in the wardrobe.
An idea crossed the thief's mind, and oh was it a brilliant idea. No one just leaves a child behind; surely someone would be looking for her, and when they do, Todd would be waiting patiently for an obscene amount of ransom money. He took the child, much to her displeasure, and took her to her to his "house" on the outskirts of London. Years began to slip away, and still no news had come about the girl's kidnapping. While he was furious about his failed investment, he elected to use the girl to his deepest and filthiest pleasures.
Evalane never forgot that day, and no matter how many beatings or sexual advances she had to endure, she knew where she truly belonged. It was not until twelve years later that she was able to escape the clutches of this monster for but a while.