3505: The Worlds Worst... -- Charlotte Cartwrite and company

[pottersues]

Don't forget about the Thirteenth Annual Pottersue Fanfic Contestt. You've got until January 31 to get your entries in.
- The link of the day is OC vs. Mary Sue. I bring this one in simply because it amuses me. The character on the left can still be a Sue, and on the left we have exaggerations along with traits which aren't necessarily Sue traits.

Comments

[piper_audrey]

Hey, I'm Piper-Audrey. I just wanna start off by saying that this is pretty helpful as far as criticism goes, so I'm cool with it. I just wanna clear up a few details that the author of this post got confused on or misinterpreted

[yemi_hikari]

Apologies, but your logic does not work at all. I'm not going to say this to hurt your feelings, but they need to be addressed as logic fallacy is the biggest issue in your story

[yemi_hikari]

Ten, running into her sister is way to convenient, but then so was her getting whisked away by Alfie. Someone would be trying to get in contact with her adoptive parents, as she is a minor.

Eleven, it's great you're writing this just for fun, and don't mind the criticism. This said, it can also be fun trying to write a story without all these logical fallacies. It's like solving a puzzle.

Twelve, fair critique. Did you identify who was speaking then? You should possibly double check on that.

Thirteen, as someone who writes both original fiction and fanfiction, I actually suggest putting in an effort into your fanfic writing and looking at using it as practice for the original fiction series you do want to write. Unlike original fiction the characters and world are created for you, and being consistent in fanfic works helps you to be consistent in your original fiction, which believe it or not is important.

Good luck. :)

[piper_audrey]

(1/2) Again, I think you misunderstand what I'm saying here

[piper_audrey]

(2/2) Fifth, Idk what a parasite sue is. Hell I barely know what a sue is. I mean, I know what it is, but I've heard it used in different context, but anywho. Idk what's know with having Charlotte's story told, not necessarily parallel to Harry's but in the same time frame. Like, she has her own unique story, it just happens to be happening on the same day that Harry's in Diagon alley. She only sees glimpses of him at and she runs into Draco while he's leaving the clothing shop. Charlotte's story has absolutely nothing to do with Harry's during this part of the story. She doesn't even have any contact with Harry until they meet on the train. I don't think there is anything wrong with it happening in the same time frame, and I don't see how that makes her a "parasite". But as for the chances of her going to Diagon Alley the exact same day as Draco and Harry, um yeah, sure, they're slim, but it's fiction...? And the chances of an eleven year old boy with a lightning scar being a wizard and the choosen one of a prophecy are pretty slim

[piper_audrey]

Seven, I never said Charlotte's story wasn't important enough for Harry and his friends to tell. It's not a question of interest in her story. But basically what I have been saying is that in this AU Charlotte is saying all the things in the Harry Potter books happened, and she was a part of them, and she effected them in a huge way, mostly by being part of a prophecy that said she was the key player that would lead Voldemort to victory, but ultimately she ended up helping Harry. However people are still afraid of her being evil because of the prophecy so if they knew she existed they'd want to kill her. So after the war, when Harry and his friends sat down to write their story they all agreed it would be safer for Charlotte if they cut her out of the story in order to protect her, and what they were left with was a the Harry Potter books we all know, but now she's coming out with the story of what really happened

[piper_audrey]

Ten, She never ran into her sister. This again makes it clear to me that you didn't actually read the story. Charlotte runs into Draco (Literally) and makes friends with him, and Draco's family knows Bethany because her potions shop happens to be of a higher status and such and run by a pureblood woman so they shop there and sometimes Bethany teacher classes to kids who are going to Hogwarts soon like teaching them to organize and navigate and stuff, and Draco brings Charlotte along to one of these meetings. It's not convenient Charlotte was looking for her sister, that's the whole reason she went with Alfie in the first place, not because they were friends. And in the same way Charlotte was looking for Bethany, Alfie was looking for Charlotte because Bethany promised a huge reward to anyone who knew where her sister was after an anonymous source sent her Charlotte's school picture. Then Alfie, in an attempt to get said money found Charlotte and promised to bring her to her sister

[yemi_hikari]

We're not misunderstanding what you're saying, but instead saying that your logic doesn't work.

1. The year Harry Potter started school at Hogwarts was the year the world wide net came into existence. The internet was used primarily for business purposes back then, and the vast majority of users were adults, not children, if any. The use of the internet by those under the age of eighteen was rare even in 2000, and we didn't really see the widespread use of the net by kids your age until about five years ago when everyone started having a device to get on the net.

2. Even if the net was available, the information would not be, even in this day and age. Adoption records are closely guarded secrets, and require someone closely involved to get access to.

3. This boy should not be able to apparate all the way to America, let alone secure a portkey to get himself here. Being able to use a spell to paralyze an owl would beyond his capabilities as well, but then there is also the fact her letter would be hand delivered, as Muggleborn

[yemi_hikari]

13. The fact something is fiction doesn't mean you can do anything you want. There is a concept in fiction called “willing suspense of disbelief”, and in turn this relates to how believable something is. This said, simply showing up on the same day as them isn't normally this big of a deal, but unfortunately your story already has one to many moments which aren't very believable, which helps to make her showing up there also not very believable.

14. The fact Harry becoming the chosen one is a mute point. This actually isn't about how slim of a chance the incident is, but how believable the writer made the slim chances be. Rowling made Harry being the chosen one believable, but your OC showing up like she did isn't very believable at all. Same with Draco showing up on the same day. Fiction as I already pointed out isn't about doing anything you want. You've got to make it believable. Since you're aiming to be a fantasy writer, this is something you're going to need to work on

[yemi_hikari]

I've not been on for over a year, and I found a message I'd flagged from the author which looking back makes me feel a tad concerned as the jest of their argument was that on point number five they did have a valid point, but that they couldn't be bothered because the computer ate their original response and they weren't wanting to get into a debate over the matter. They also said I was being rude.

The point I made though, it stands. Either you have a logical explanation, or you don't. Liking or disliking the story won't change whether something is logical or not. Looking back, this is one of those Mary Sues you can't help but like, which makes her argument even more problematic as she specifically argued we wouldn't understand if we didn't like, but she had no clue whether we liked.

[pottersues]

Apologies, but no

[yemi_hikari]

So that part was there. Two sentences really isn't enough to cover said information, and it is important to the story.

[piper_audrey]

(2/3) As for reading the story, Pottersues you wrote an entire review on it, and a pretty good one too, so, of course I wasn't questioning whether or not you read the story. I assure you I wasn't trying to insult you in anyway, and my apologizes if I did. But I am, however, questioning weather this yemi hikari read it, because it sort of sounds as if they didn't, from my perspective anyway. However, I'm not sure what you're talking about with Charlotte returning home being a two sentence paragraph and the rest of the chapter talking about her running off. Charlotte getting back to her parents and spending the summer with them was a huge chunk of Chapter Six: "After that, Bethany sent an owl to my parents explaining that I was safe and everything that was going on. She reassured them that everything would be explained to them in greater detail later. I imagined what a shock this was for my parents. I would have loved to have seen the look on their faces after getting an owl telling them their daughter was a witch, but I wouldn't have

[pottersues]

Actually, her parents would forbid her from visiting her sister over the summer due to the fact running away showed a major lack of responsibility, nor would they be able to trust her for a long while. Her sister might get to visit them for family dinners and such, but otherwise she would be stuck not seeing her sister. On top of this her parents would know if she was getting letters via owl, as the owl simply showing up would be strange, and her sister would explain things to her.

One of the mistakes I and the minions see young writers making is thinking that one event isn't significant to cover when it really is, but we've also seen events covered which are not significant at all. One of the things which also shows up with Mary Sue characters is the fact they get away with things, and not for a logical reason.

[piper_audrey]

(3/3)But regardless, in response to you argument that I can't "blame the reader on this one, as you only covered Charlotte being taken back to her parents in a paragraph comprised of two sentences" By that logic if there's a story that says: "'I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love when you're looking at me when I'm nuts. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night.' The man said, sarcastically." It's the writers fault if the reader in confused because they skipped the word 'Sarcastically'. As a reader, you can skip over things as much as you want, as long as you're enjoying the story, but that's considering that you're simply reading for enjoyment. However, if your reading in the attempt to prove a point and make an argument you have to read everything, otherwise your argument will be completely off. It's one of the first things we learned in my English II class. I mean, If you were taking a test and skipped

[pottersues]

First, you've not come across as uncivil at all, but I do think you'll understand what we're saying a lot more when you've got more experience under your belt. Just be patient for yourself. The point of bringing things up isn't to win the debate, but to hopefully make you think, which you're doing far better then other writers who've found their stories here.

This said, the argument you put forth doesn't work.

First, the example you gave can be interpreted as someone whose annoyed with the person they're in love with, questioning whether they are really in love. Second, a writer can still write an essay proving that the man is in love with said person. That sentence would amount 1% or less of a given work, so if the context of the other 99% indicates the man is in love, than that one sentence wouldn't matter. The reader can argue what I mentioned at the beginning of this paragraph, bur they could argue it's a mistake on the writers part.