3505: The Worlds Worst... -- Charlotte Cartwrite and company

[pottersues]

Don't forget about the Thirteenth Annual Pottersue Fanfic Contestt. You've got until January 31 to get your entries in.
- The link of the day is OC vs. Mary Sue. I bring this one in simply because it amuses me. The character on the left can still be a Sue, and on the left we have exaggerations along with traits which aren't necessarily Sue traits.

Comments

[yemi_hikari]

We're not misunderstanding what you're saying, but instead saying that your logic doesn't work.

1. The year Harry Potter started school at Hogwarts was the year the world wide net came into existence. The internet was used primarily for business purposes back then, and the vast majority of users were adults, not children, if any. The use of the internet by those under the age of eighteen was rare even in 2000, and we didn't really see the widespread use of the net by kids your age until about five years ago when everyone started having a device to get on the net.

2. Even if the net was available, the information would not be, even in this day and age. Adoption records are closely guarded secrets, and require someone closely involved to get access to.

3. This boy should not be able to apparate all the way to America, let alone secure a portkey to get himself here. Being able to use a spell to paralyze an owl would beyond his capabilities as well, but then there is also the fact her letter would be hand delivered, as Muggleborn students have their letters hand delivered, and she would have been considered a Muggleborn due to the fact she's adopted.

4. Even if he could live on Diagon Alley, which is impossible by the way, he still wouldn't know the information he parted to Charlotte, nor would said information be in a newspaper article, let alone would he be able to miraculously make the connections.

5. The fact you said “it's going to sound stupid unless you actually like the story so I'm just not gonna get into it,” means you actually don't have a logical reason. Fact is, the way you did it is either going to be logical, or it is not, and whether a person likes the story or not has nothing to do with that.

6. If students outside of England went to Hogwarts, then there would have been some mention of it in the books, as the other students would have made a big deal out of it.

7. Shock is not the word I would use for the way I would feel about finding out the key fits a special vault at a wizarding bank, particularly not at the age of eleven to twelve. We're talking about a child who doesn't know her biological parents here, and who knows she's adopted, thus would suspect something before she got there.

8. First, the key is a big deal because you have her remembering teething on it, when she shouldn't remember such a thing. Second, the keys also a big deal because this is another miracoulous event within your story that just happens to fall into yur characters lap.

9. I read the story. If you put her returning to her parents in there, you glossed over it. Instead the focus was how great her adventure from running away was, and how there were no consequences for her bad behavior. On top of this, if you glossed over this, you skipped the entire month, so it's missing in another respect.

10. Parasite Sue is a term we use for a character that tags along with the plot and typically does one of the following things. They end up being a part of important events, and yet have no real effect on the story, or they have an effect on the story, and steal spotlight from the canon characters.

11. A Mary Sue is an unbelievable character. This can be because of characterization issues, or because of plot holes and logical fallacies. Your story falls into the plot holes and logical fallacies department.

12. First, she like Harry manages to bump into Draco at the clothing shop, albeit outside. She then runs into Hagrid on that trip, and thus would run into Harry as well. She's then there when Draco and Harry meet on the train, despite the fact Crabbe, Goyal and Draco were the only ones there. She's tagging along with the canon events, but having no effect what so ever. The fact you add stuff inbetween said events doesn't change the fact she's participating in said events, and not having any effect.

... cont...

[yemi_hikari]

13. The fact something is fiction doesn't mean you can do anything you want. There is a concept in fiction called “willing suspense of disbelief”, and in turn this relates to how believable something is. This said, simply showing up on the same day as them isn't normally this big of a deal, but unfortunately your story already has one to many moments which aren't very believable, which helps to make her showing up there also not very believable.

14. The fact Harry becoming the chosen one is a mute point. This actually isn't about how slim of a chance the incident is, but how believable the writer made the slim chances be. Rowling made Harry being the chosen one believable, but your OC showing up like she did isn't very believable at all. Same with Draco showing up on the same day. Fiction as I already pointed out isn't about doing anything you want. You've got to make it believable. Since you're aiming to be a fantasy writer, this is something you're going to need to work on.

15. Again, making your story believable is a big deal. There are actually writers out there who are able to pull off “it suddenly started raining cows” in a believable manner.

16. If she's ten, then she shouldn't be going to Hogwarts. While it is true that one might get their letters before they turn eleven, the cut off day is Harry Potter's birthday, and this is taking place after that, so she should be eleven, or else in Ginny's year.

17. It's not a good chapter name. I find it quite amusing that you have her making friends with Draco, whose also rich, but made Alfie out to be trying to make friends with her just because she's rich. You're basically having her run from one manipulative person to another, but you're also forcing this characterization on Alfie, making him even more of a convenient plot point which really shouldn't exist in the first place. You also made your character trust him enough to go with him, which means she's interested in him. And wasn't it because of Draco's word that she thought Alfie was manipulating her, not because there was any proof?

18. The fact she has no friends is not believable either. The basis is on the fact she's “different”, and has magical powers, but that's not why Harry or Hermione didn't have friends before they came to school. Harry's cousin kept him from having friends, and Hermione didn't have any friends due to her bookworm tendancies, though truth be told that is also an assumption that she didn't have friends. While it's true that you tried making it clear how “different” she was, you told the raders instead of showing it.

19. Again, if she's ten then she shouldn't be going to Hogwarts.

20. If Harry Potter was able to discern that making friends with Draco wasn't a good idea, then she should as well. They're the same age.

[yemi_hikari]

I've not been on for over a year, and I found a message I'd flagged from the author which looking back makes me feel a tad concerned as the jest of their argument was that on point number five they did have a valid point, but that they couldn't be bothered because the computer ate their original response and they weren't wanting to get into a debate over the matter. They also said I was being rude.

The point I made though, it stands. Either you have a logical explanation, or you don't. Liking or disliking the story won't change whether something is logical or not. Looking back, this is one of those Mary Sues you can't help but like, which makes her argument even more problematic as she specifically argued we wouldn't understand if we didn't like, but she had no clue whether we liked.