THE GHOST OF POTTERMAS PAST
I JUST LOVE THIS TIME OF YEAR, WHEN A FAMILY COMES TOGETHER TO CELEBRATE THE HOLIDAY.
OH WAIT, I DON'T HAVE ONE.
I HOPE YOU INSENSITIVE JINGLEBALLS ARE ENJOYING HAVING CHRISTMAS WITH YOUR FAMILIES AND RUBBING IT IN MY FACE. I WILL JUST LOOK BACK AT SOME TIMES I WAS ANGRY. LIKE THIS ONE, WHICH IS SO BRILLIANT I THINK I WILL REPOST IT.
THE NIGHT BEFORE POTTERMAS
AN ORIGINAL POEM BY HARRY JAMES POTTER
‘TWAS ALL HOLLOW'S EVE, AND ALL THROUGH GODRIC’S HOLLOW
MY PARENTS WERE STILL ALIVE; AND VOLDEMORT SWALLOWS.
VOLDEMORT’S PENIS WAS HUNG FROM HIS BODY WITH CARE
IN HOPES THAT SOMETHING VISIBLE WOULD SOON BE THERE;
HARRY POTTER WAS NESTLED ALL SNUG IN HIS BASSINET
WHILE HE STARED ACROSS THE WALL AT THE ORNAMENTAL BAYONET
AND MAMA WITH HER WAND, AND I IN MY BONNET
HAD JUST SETTLED DOWN FOR A SORCERER’S SONNET
WHEN OUT IN THE LOUNGE THERE AROSE SUCH A CLATTER
AS IT WAS VOLDEMORT TRYING TO MAKE MY DAD’S BLOOD SPATTER
SIX FEET UNDER MY MUM FLEW WITH A GREEN FLASH
AND VOLDEMORT CAME STALKING IN, LOOKING QUITE UNABASHED
THE LOOK ON THE FACE OF THE STUPID DARK LORD
MADE IT OBVIOUS THAT HE THOUGHT HE HAD SCORED
WHEN WHAT, TO MY BLANK FOREHEAD SHOULD APPEAR
A CURSE SCAR THAT REALLY SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN THERE
WITH A LITTLE OLD SHUDDER, SO PATHETIC AND DUMB
VOLDEMORT FELL LIKE THE MISSING ARM OF VIKTOR KRUM
MORE RAPID THAN THESTRALS, IN GREAT DROVES THEY CAME
AND PETER PETTIGREW CALLED THEM ALL BY NAME:
"NOW SEVERUS! NOW EVAN!
NOW, IGOR AND LUCIUS!
ON, BARTY! ON, WALDEN!
ON, AUGUSTUS AND BELLATRIX!
TO AZKABAN PRISON!
I’LL BLAME SIRIUS BLACK!
NOW WOE, AND DESPAIR,
AND ALAS, AND ALACK!"
AS DRY AS SNAPE AT THE HOGWARTS YULE BALL,
THE DEATH EATERS RAN AND THEY GAVE IT THEIR ALL,
SO OUT OF THE HOLLOW AND IN HIDING THEY CRIED,
WAILING LIKE LITTLE GIRLS BECAUSE VOLDEMORT HAD DIED.
IN MY BASSINET I WAITED AND I STARED AT THE DOOR
WHEN MINE EARS HEARD THE SOUND OF A MOTORBIKE’S ROAR
AS I WAITED QUITE BOREDLY, AND WAS LOOKING TO GLOAT
IN CAME A HAGGARD MAN IN A MOLESKIN OVERCOAT.
HE WAS VERY TALL AND DID NOT FIT THROUGH THE FRAME
AND MY REPUTATION WAS TARNISHED WITH A TRAGIC FAME
SO I THOUGHT, GO FIGURE, NOW I’LL BE KIDNAPPED
MY PARENTS ARE DEAD, AND I’M (AT PRESENT) NOT NAPPED.
THIS NIGHT CAN’T GET ANY WORSE FOR ME, I DO SAY
SO HE PLOPPED ME ON THE MOTORBIKE AND THERE I LAY
OVER BRISTOL, AND BATH, AND IN QUITE THE HURRY
WE FINALLY ARRIVED AT LITTLE WHINGING, SURREY.
"OH GREAT," SAID DUMBLEDORE, WHEN WE HAD ARRIVED,
"VOLDEMORT IS SO WHINGEY THIS LITTLE KID SURVIVED.
WELL, JUST PUT HIM THERE, THEN, AND I’VE WRITTEN THIS LETTER-
BECAUSE THAT WILL, OF COURSE, MAKE THE DURSLEYS TREAT HIM MUCH BETTER."
SO HE WAITED FOR YEARS, TILL HE FOUND A WEAK TEACHER
AND DECIDED TO WARP HIM INTO AN EVIL CREATURE
HE ATTACHED HIS FACE TO THE BACK OF HIS HEAD
IN HOPES THAT HARRY POTTER WOULD SOON BE DEAD.
"SO YOUR MOM DIED TO SAVE YOU," HE SAID WITH A GRIN,
"YOU’VE GOTTEN ME ONCE, BUT YOU WON’T GET ME AGAIN!"
AND SO WE DID MEET AND BECAUSE FUDGE IS A BASTARD
VOLDEMORT HAS RETURNED (BUT HE’S PASTIER THAN PLASTER).
AND NOW I MUST KILL HIM BEFORE HE KILLS ME FIRST,
AND IF I MUST (AND I MUST) I WILL WHEN WORSE COMES TO WORST.
BUT BEFORE I DEPART, TO VOLDEMORT I MUST SAY:
YOU’VE GAINED A LOT OF WEIGHT AND I’LL BE DAMNED IF THAT’S NOT A TOUPEE.
OH WAIT, I DON'T HAVE ONE.
I HOPE YOU INSENSITIVE JINGLEBALLS ARE ENJOYING HAVING CHRISTMAS WITH YOUR FAMILIES AND RUBBING IT IN MY FACE. I WILL JUST LOOK BACK AT SOME TIMES I WAS ANGRY. LIKE THIS ONE, WHICH IS SO BRILLIANT I THINK I WILL REPOST IT.
THE NIGHT BEFORE POTTERMAS
AN ORIGINAL POEM BY HARRY JAMES POTTER
‘TWAS ALL HOLLOW'S EVE, AND ALL THROUGH GODRIC’S HOLLOW
MY PARENTS WERE STILL ALIVE; AND VOLDEMORT SWALLOWS.
VOLDEMORT’S PENIS WAS HUNG FROM HIS BODY WITH CARE
IN HOPES THAT SOMETHING VISIBLE WOULD SOON BE THERE;
HARRY POTTER WAS NESTLED ALL SNUG IN HIS BASSINET
WHILE HE STARED ACROSS THE WALL AT THE ORNAMENTAL BAYONET
AND MAMA WITH HER WAND, AND I IN MY BONNET
HAD JUST SETTLED DOWN FOR A SORCERER’S SONNET
WHEN OUT IN THE LOUNGE THERE AROSE SUCH A CLATTER
AS IT WAS VOLDEMORT TRYING TO MAKE MY DAD’S BLOOD SPATTER
SIX FEET UNDER MY MUM FLEW WITH A GREEN FLASH
AND VOLDEMORT CAME STALKING IN, LOOKING QUITE UNABASHED
THE LOOK ON THE FACE OF THE STUPID DARK LORD
MADE IT OBVIOUS THAT HE THOUGHT HE HAD SCORED
WHEN WHAT, TO MY BLANK FOREHEAD SHOULD APPEAR
A CURSE SCAR THAT REALLY SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN THERE
WITH A LITTLE OLD SHUDDER, SO PATHETIC AND DUMB
VOLDEMORT FELL LIKE THE MISSING ARM OF VIKTOR KRUM
MORE RAPID THAN THESTRALS, IN GREAT DROVES THEY CAME
AND PETER PETTIGREW CALLED THEM ALL BY NAME:
"NOW SEVERUS! NOW EVAN!
NOW, IGOR AND LUCIUS!
ON, BARTY! ON, WALDEN!
ON, AUGUSTUS AND BELLATRIX!
TO AZKABAN PRISON!
I’LL BLAME SIRIUS BLACK!
NOW WOE, AND DESPAIR,
AND ALAS, AND ALACK!"
AS DRY AS SNAPE AT THE HOGWARTS YULE BALL,
THE DEATH EATERS RAN AND THEY GAVE IT THEIR ALL,
SO OUT OF THE HOLLOW AND IN HIDING THEY CRIED,
WAILING LIKE LITTLE GIRLS BECAUSE VOLDEMORT HAD DIED.
IN MY BASSINET I WAITED AND I STARED AT THE DOOR
WHEN MINE EARS HEARD THE SOUND OF A MOTORBIKE’S ROAR
AS I WAITED QUITE BOREDLY, AND WAS LOOKING TO GLOAT
IN CAME A HAGGARD MAN IN A MOLESKIN OVERCOAT.
HE WAS VERY TALL AND DID NOT FIT THROUGH THE FRAME
AND MY REPUTATION WAS TARNISHED WITH A TRAGIC FAME
SO I THOUGHT, GO FIGURE, NOW I’LL BE KIDNAPPED
MY PARENTS ARE DEAD, AND I’M (AT PRESENT) NOT NAPPED.
THIS NIGHT CAN’T GET ANY WORSE FOR ME, I DO SAY
SO HE PLOPPED ME ON THE MOTORBIKE AND THERE I LAY
OVER BRISTOL, AND BATH, AND IN QUITE THE HURRY
WE FINALLY ARRIVED AT LITTLE WHINGING, SURREY.
"OH GREAT," SAID DUMBLEDORE, WHEN WE HAD ARRIVED,
"VOLDEMORT IS SO WHINGEY THIS LITTLE KID SURVIVED.
WELL, JUST PUT HIM THERE, THEN, AND I’VE WRITTEN THIS LETTER-
BECAUSE THAT WILL, OF COURSE, MAKE THE DURSLEYS TREAT HIM MUCH BETTER."
SO HE WAITED FOR YEARS, TILL HE FOUND A WEAK TEACHER
AND DECIDED TO WARP HIM INTO AN EVIL CREATURE
HE ATTACHED HIS FACE TO THE BACK OF HIS HEAD
IN HOPES THAT HARRY POTTER WOULD SOON BE DEAD.
"SO YOUR MOM DIED TO SAVE YOU," HE SAID WITH A GRIN,
"YOU’VE GOTTEN ME ONCE, BUT YOU WON’T GET ME AGAIN!"
AND SO WE DID MEET AND BECAUSE FUDGE IS A BASTARD
VOLDEMORT HAS RETURNED (BUT HE’S PASTIER THAN PLASTER).
AND NOW I MUST KILL HIM BEFORE HE KILLS ME FIRST,
AND IF I MUST (AND I MUST) I WILL WHEN WORSE COMES TO WORST.
BUT BEFORE I DEPART, TO VOLDEMORT I MUST SAY:
YOU’VE GAINED A LOT OF WEIGHT AND I’LL BE DAMNED IF THAT’S NOT A TOUPEE.