THE PHANTOM OF THE GAY IS THERE INSIDE MY MIND
YOU KNOW, I'M STARTING TO FIND THIS WHOLE GAY THING REALLY ANNOYING.
I CAN'T EAT IN NORMAL PLACES, I CAN'T SLEEP IN NORMAL PLACES, I CAN'T PISS IN NORMAL PLACES, I MEAN, IF I CAN'T DO THESE IN THE PLACES IN WHICH I'M SUPPOSED TO, THEN I PRACTICALLY HAVE TO DO THEM ALL IN THE SAME PLACE, AND YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW UNHYGIENIC THAT IS.
I'M JUST SO AFRAID OF GETTING IT. I'VE SEEN WHAT IT'S MADE OF SOME OF MY FRIENDS, AND SOME OF MY ENEMIES. I DON'T KNOW WHAT NEVILLE'S DOING TO AVOID IT BUT I THINK HE AND I SHOULD EXCHANGE HELPFUL HINTS AT SOME POINT BECAUSE I'M RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS IN POTTERVILLE, AND I NEED THE JUICE OF IDEAS TO CONTINUE WITH MY PREVIOUS VIGOR AND FERVOR.
I KNOW ALL THE WOMEN OF HOGWARTS WOULD BE TERRIBLY DISAPPOINTED IF I WERE TO CONTRACT THIS TERRIBLE DISEASE.
I CAN'T EVEN BE AROUND RON, THOUGH, AND YOU DON'T KNOW HOW ANGRY THAT MAKES ME. BEFORE, I FELT LIKE WE COULD IDENTIFY, WHEN WE TALKED ABOUT HOW IT HAD BEEN AGES SINCE OUR TROUSERS HAD BEEN CLEANED, OR WHEN I KICKED HIM IN THE TESTICLES FOR BORROWING MY PANTS WITHOUT ASKING (I MEAN YOU'D THINK HE'D GO WITHOUT, KNOWING RON, BUT MAYBE HE'S MOOSETRATING OR SOMETHING, WHICH IS ACTUALLY REALLY GROSS AND MAKES ME WANT TO KICK HIM IN THE TESTICLES AGAIN). BUT LOVE WILL KEEP US TOGETHER! WE'RE MATES, AND THAT'S ALL THAT COUNTS, AS LONG AS ONE OF US ISN'T CONTAGIOUS.
I LONG FOR THE DAYS WHEN I COULD LEAVE MY HOLE TO BE AROUND PEOPLE THAT DON'T HAVE THE GAY. I LONG FOR THOSE SLIGHTLY LESS TERRIBLE DAYS OF DECEMBER, WHEN THE ONLY THINGS THAT MADE ME HATE LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, AND EVERYTHING WERE VOLDEMORT, SNAPE, VOLDEMORT, MALFOY, VOLDEMORT, MR. MALFOY, VOLDEMORT, RON BORROWING MY PANTS WITHOUT ASKING, VOLDEMORT, AUNT PETUNIA, VOLDEMORT, UNCLE VERNON, VOLDEMORT, DUDLEY, VOLDEMORT, MY PARENTS' DEATHS VIA VOLDEMORT, VOLDEMORT, WORMTAIL, VOLDEMORT, DEATH EATERS, VOLDEMORT, EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS OF SCHOOLWORK, VOLDEMORT, LOCKHART, VOLDEMORT, ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER, VOLDEMORT, ARSESPOONS IN GENERAL, VOLDEMORT, SIRIUS' DEATH, VOLDEMORT, LIFE, VOLDEMORT, ZACHARIAS SMITH, VOLDEMORT, PERCY WEASLEY BEING A GIT, VOLDEMORT, THE MUGGLE STUDIES PROFESSOR THAT KEEPS FOLLOWING ME AROUND, VOLDEMORT, WHOLE WHEAT, VOLDEMORT, UMBRIDGE, VOLDEMORT, LOWER-CASE LETTERS, VOLDEMORT, PROPHECIES, VOLDEMORT, EVERYTHING ELSE, AND VOLDEMORT. BUT NOW THE THINGS THAT MAKE ME HATE LIFE, THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING ARE VOLDEMORT, THE GAY, VOLDEMORT, SNAPE, VOLDEMORT, MALFOY, VOLDEMORT, MR. MALFOY, VOLDEMORT, RON BORROWING MY PANTS WITHOUT ASKING, VOLDEMORT, AUNT PETUNIA, VOLDEMORT, UNCLE VERNON, VOLDEMORT, DUDLEY, VOLDEMORT, MY PARENTS' DEATHS VIA VOLDEMORT, VOLDEMORT, WORMTAIL, VOLDEMORT, DEATH EATERS, VOLDEMORT, EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS OF SCHOOLWORK, VOLDEMORT, LOCKHART, VOLDEMORT, ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER, VOLDEMORT, ARSESPOONS IN GENERAL, VOLDEMORT, SIRIUS' DEATH, VOLDEMORT, LIFE, VOLDEMORT, ZACHARIAS SMITH, VOLDEMORT, PERCY WEASLEY BEING A GIT, VOLDEMORT, THE MUGGLE STUDIES PROFESSOR THAT KEEPS FOLLOWING ME AROUND, VOLDEMORT, WHOLE WHEAT, VOLDEMORT, UMBRIDGE, VOLDEMORT, LOWER-CASE LETTERS, VOLDEMORT, PROPHECIES, VOLDEMORT, EVERYTHING ELSE, AND VOLDEMORT. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW UNBELIEVABLY FRUSTRATING THAT IS?
AS IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY NOTION.
SO NOW I HAVE TO AVOID A SLEW OF LOVE LETTERS, HATE LETTERS, RABID FANS, RABID PROTESTERS, PROFESSORS, HOMEWORK, DARK LORDS, DARK LORDS' HENCHMEN, AWKWARD CONFRONTATIONS WITH LOCKHART, AND THE GAY? (I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE THAT THE LAST TWO AREN'T THE SAME THING.)
AND YET, LET IT BE REMEMBERED THAT I AM DOING ALL THESE THINGS, AND I AM DOING THEM WELL.
HEY, WHOSE CHOCOLATE IS THIS? IS IT ALL RIGHT IF I HAVE SOME?
I CAN'T EAT IN NORMAL PLACES, I CAN'T SLEEP IN NORMAL PLACES, I CAN'T PISS IN NORMAL PLACES, I MEAN, IF I CAN'T DO THESE IN THE PLACES IN WHICH I'M SUPPOSED TO, THEN I PRACTICALLY HAVE TO DO THEM ALL IN THE SAME PLACE, AND YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW UNHYGIENIC THAT IS.
I'M JUST SO AFRAID OF GETTING IT. I'VE SEEN WHAT IT'S MADE OF SOME OF MY FRIENDS, AND SOME OF MY ENEMIES. I DON'T KNOW WHAT NEVILLE'S DOING TO AVOID IT BUT I THINK HE AND I SHOULD EXCHANGE HELPFUL HINTS AT SOME POINT BECAUSE I'M RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS IN POTTERVILLE, AND I NEED THE JUICE OF IDEAS TO CONTINUE WITH MY PREVIOUS VIGOR AND FERVOR.
I KNOW ALL THE WOMEN OF HOGWARTS WOULD BE TERRIBLY DISAPPOINTED IF I WERE TO CONTRACT THIS TERRIBLE DISEASE.
I CAN'T EVEN BE AROUND RON, THOUGH, AND YOU DON'T KNOW HOW ANGRY THAT MAKES ME. BEFORE, I FELT LIKE WE COULD IDENTIFY, WHEN WE TALKED ABOUT HOW IT HAD BEEN AGES SINCE OUR TROUSERS HAD BEEN CLEANED, OR WHEN I KICKED HIM IN THE TESTICLES FOR BORROWING MY PANTS WITHOUT ASKING (I MEAN YOU'D THINK HE'D GO WITHOUT, KNOWING RON, BUT MAYBE HE'S MOOSETRATING OR SOMETHING, WHICH IS ACTUALLY REALLY GROSS AND MAKES ME WANT TO KICK HIM IN THE TESTICLES AGAIN). BUT LOVE WILL KEEP US TOGETHER! WE'RE MATES, AND THAT'S ALL THAT COUNTS, AS LONG AS ONE OF US ISN'T CONTAGIOUS.
I LONG FOR THE DAYS WHEN I COULD LEAVE MY HOLE TO BE AROUND PEOPLE THAT DON'T HAVE THE GAY. I LONG FOR THOSE SLIGHTLY LESS TERRIBLE DAYS OF DECEMBER, WHEN THE ONLY THINGS THAT MADE ME HATE LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, AND EVERYTHING WERE VOLDEMORT, SNAPE, VOLDEMORT, MALFOY, VOLDEMORT, MR. MALFOY, VOLDEMORT, RON BORROWING MY PANTS WITHOUT ASKING, VOLDEMORT, AUNT PETUNIA, VOLDEMORT, UNCLE VERNON, VOLDEMORT, DUDLEY, VOLDEMORT, MY PARENTS' DEATHS VIA VOLDEMORT, VOLDEMORT, WORMTAIL, VOLDEMORT, DEATH EATERS, VOLDEMORT, EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS OF SCHOOLWORK, VOLDEMORT, LOCKHART, VOLDEMORT, ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER, VOLDEMORT, ARSESPOONS IN GENERAL, VOLDEMORT, SIRIUS' DEATH, VOLDEMORT, LIFE, VOLDEMORT, ZACHARIAS SMITH, VOLDEMORT, PERCY WEASLEY BEING A GIT, VOLDEMORT, THE MUGGLE STUDIES PROFESSOR THAT KEEPS FOLLOWING ME AROUND, VOLDEMORT, WHOLE WHEAT, VOLDEMORT, UMBRIDGE, VOLDEMORT, LOWER-CASE LETTERS, VOLDEMORT, PROPHECIES, VOLDEMORT, EVERYTHING ELSE, AND VOLDEMORT. BUT NOW THE THINGS THAT MAKE ME HATE LIFE, THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING ARE VOLDEMORT, THE GAY, VOLDEMORT, SNAPE, VOLDEMORT, MALFOY, VOLDEMORT, MR. MALFOY, VOLDEMORT, RON BORROWING MY PANTS WITHOUT ASKING, VOLDEMORT, AUNT PETUNIA, VOLDEMORT, UNCLE VERNON, VOLDEMORT, DUDLEY, VOLDEMORT, MY PARENTS' DEATHS VIA VOLDEMORT, VOLDEMORT, WORMTAIL, VOLDEMORT, DEATH EATERS, VOLDEMORT, EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS OF SCHOOLWORK, VOLDEMORT, LOCKHART, VOLDEMORT, ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER, VOLDEMORT, ARSESPOONS IN GENERAL, VOLDEMORT, SIRIUS' DEATH, VOLDEMORT, LIFE, VOLDEMORT, ZACHARIAS SMITH, VOLDEMORT, PERCY WEASLEY BEING A GIT, VOLDEMORT, THE MUGGLE STUDIES PROFESSOR THAT KEEPS FOLLOWING ME AROUND, VOLDEMORT, WHOLE WHEAT, VOLDEMORT, UMBRIDGE, VOLDEMORT, LOWER-CASE LETTERS, VOLDEMORT, PROPHECIES, VOLDEMORT, EVERYTHING ELSE, AND VOLDEMORT. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW UNBELIEVABLY FRUSTRATING THAT IS?
AS IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY NOTION.
SO NOW I HAVE TO AVOID A SLEW OF LOVE LETTERS, HATE LETTERS, RABID FANS, RABID PROTESTERS, PROFESSORS, HOMEWORK, DARK LORDS, DARK LORDS' HENCHMEN, AWKWARD CONFRONTATIONS WITH LOCKHART, AND THE GAY? (I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE THAT THE LAST TWO AREN'T THE SAME THING.)
AND YET, LET IT BE REMEMBERED THAT I AM DOING ALL THESE THINGS, AND I AM DOING THEM WELL.
HEY, WHOSE CHOCOLATE IS THIS? IS IT ALL RIGHT IF I HAVE SOME?