Araminta
dusts off cobwebs
Me again.
Blame Gateway for my absence, thank Dell for my return.
True story: After my computer blew up and I was unable to report Sues any longer, I came to the conclusion that I needed a certain amount of absurdity in my life. So, I took to seeing bad movies for my daily idiocy fix. Van Helsing lasted me two weeks. Just saying.
On to the Sue. Let's see if I remember how.
TITLE: We Pillage We Plunder
CULPRIT: Ilirenelluithauren I'd pay money to hear someone pronounce that.
SUMMARY: "This chick just can't get away from Cap'n Sparrow. She slowly finds herself attracted to his spontaneous ways, as he is attracted to her sensible ones. A quick read right now, so just check it out."
BEST LINE: “Ah, Mr. Gibbs. Tortuga…well, doesn’ that sound like i’s righ’ out of a fan fiction. Tell me, does the Cap’n ever go anywhere else?” Wow. I didn't know they had fanfiction back then.
THE VERDICT
It's a short drop and a sudden stop for you.
NAME: Araminta
EYES: "deep brown eyes"
HAIR: "long brown hair, lightened from years in the sun, and grungy from salt air and lack of hygiene" I gave her a few points for the grungy part.
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: "Her Caribbean mother had given her a darker complexion than her father had"
OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: A ship called The Minta named after her.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: Some girl. I think she might have been a noblewoman once...or something. Honestly, I have no idea.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Guess. Go on. Guess.
SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: none
THE "PLOT": So, there's this chick. She killed her father and stole his ship. I guess because he was a drunk we're supposed to think he deserved it. Anyway, she's a big bad lady pirate, blah blah blah. There's a guy on her ship who likes her. She don't like him. He's angsting about this whore he used to like. Sue gets mad because he seems to have forgotten that everything is about her, as such his angst cannot compare to her angst. Then the Black Pearl shows up and she tells everyone to get ready for battle. We don't see the battle though since the next chapter opens with Sue waking up in captivity. She's, of course, in Jack's cabin. They get drunk. Sue insists that she can hold her rum better than he can. Since this is a Suefic, she's right. Mr. Gibbs comes to tall Jack that they're nearing Tortuga. The next chapter opens with Sue rowing to Tortuga after, presumably, having escaped. I wouldn't know, really, since the author doesn't feel the need to explain little details like this. Sue goes to a bar and some barmaid who happens to be her best friend rounds her up a crew in an hour. Sue doesn't like that crew so she goes to find her own. The way she goes about this seems to be by finding random men minding their own business snatching and destroying whatever they were concentrating on and telling them it would be better if they came and joined her crew. No, seriously. And none of them kill her, they just go along. She adds these poor souls to the other crew and realizes that they need a ship. The next day as Sue tries to decide whose ship she's going to steal Jack finds her because he's like stalking her or something. He buys her breakfast then disappears. Sue then goes onto some ship called the Tempest and has her crew kill its crew. Then someone randomly asks her if she's a lesbian at the end of the chapter. Maybe I'm just out of practice with this...but I was very confused. So, anyway, Sue decides to take the Pearl and Jack surrenders (!) apparently because he thinks she was just joking or something...even though he sunk her ship... Whatever. He doesn't want to leave and Sue breaks his finger and punks him. Then when she thinks he stole his map she punks him again, maroons him on an island, then promptly gets her new ship sunk and the Pearl taken.
NOTES: I sort of wonder if this person even likes Jack at all. COnsidering all she does is berate him and steal things from him, I'm forced to wonder. Or perhaps that's a special Sue way of indicating that one likes someone. Or perhaps this story is just really bad.
I'm thinking the last one. Also, the people in this story even think in those absurd letter dropping accents. I honestly didn't know what was going on half the time because I didn't feel like figuring out what the hell they were saying.
EXCERPT:
Sue goes around destroying other people's things as incentive to join her crew...or something.
An hour later Ara looked over her crew. “What ‘ave I ever done to you, mate?” she asked her friend. This crew was not only very small, but the men looked pretty sad. “I luv ya dove, but I think I’ll find my own crew this time.”
“Ya say that every time. Fine, get your own crew. But I’ll ‘old these men fer ya at the Sprite.”
“She’s right, ya know. I’ll be back,” she said to the nearest pirate. He looked a little frightened. “So ‘ard to find good pirates these days,” she muttered as she walked off.
Walking into another bar Ara glanced around. She saw the usual drunkards and whores, but she was looking for someone unusual…anyone unusual. There, she thought, a man brooding over ‘is alcohol instead of reveling in i’. That’s different a’ least.
She walked over to him, grabbed the bottle now moving toward his mouth, and threw it to the ground. It broke, of course, spilling its contents over the ground.
“What the ‘ell did ya do that for?” the man asked.
“You’ll break ou’ a yer misery if ya wallow in i’. I just saved you hours, maybe days of uselessness. What’s yer problem? No, neve’mind. I don’ really care. Now, ‘ow well can ya sail.”
“I wish I had some o’ whateve’ you’ve ‘ad, luv,” was his only replay.
Entering other bars, Ara went through the same process. In her third bar of the evening she saw a man in the corner near a fireplace reading a Bible. Well that jus’ needs to be stopped, she thought.
Walking over to him she took the Bible from his hands and chucked it into the fire. Before he could speak she said, “I’ll tell ya what I’ve jus’ done fer ya. I’ve saved you from an early death. Undoubtedly, the Bible would bring ya an early death, mate. Ya’d either go soft and get caught almost instantly, or ya’d jus’ kill yerself, cause inevitably the Bible will tell ya that yer goin’ ta Hell. Now, whatever yer problem is, i’ can be solved wiv summin like good ‘ard werk ta take yer mind off i’.” She patted him on the back and heaved him out of his chair. “Come on.”
She found about a dozen men this way, and with the crew Raphaela had for her that made around thirty. Now all we need is a ship.
Stolen ships and random accusations of lesbianism.
Ara scanned the various different ships at the docks of Tortuga. She had to choose between a ship of the fleet and a merchant ship. A merchant ship wouldn't draw as much attention, but a ship of the fleet could sometimes lull the navy into a false sense of security, allowing her to get closer, easier. She had tried fighting from a distance with absolutely no luck. Finally, she spotted a brig, two masts, about ninety-five feet long, and with a hundred-twenty foot high mainmast. It was a bit big, but she knew it had to be hers as soon as she saw it. On it's black side was painted the name The Tempest and the figurehead was of a billowing cloud with an intricately carved staff protruding from the top.
Ara signaled to her crew, who were waiting, spread inconspicuously among the growing crowd of pirates. Strolling down the docks, Ara got to the ship first. She walked casually up the gangplank, politely nodding to the bewildered crew at the top. It took them only a moment to recover however.
"'Ey you! Yer no' supposed to be 'ere. Unless…are ya 'ere ta see the captain."
"Ya could say that," Ara said dreamily, mysteriously. "But le' me tell ya a secret." Ara walked over to the pirate who had spoken and whispered, "I'm not 'ere ta sleep wiv 'im." She licked his ear and ran him through as her own crew ran aboard.
The fight was fast, but three of her men died, all three men Raphaela had picked out. Looking at them she said simply, "Oh well. Someone clean tha' up."
The captain had been killed, a captain Stephano from Italy, and soon after the crew had been defeated, the remaining men running off the ship.
"The ship is ours, gen'lemen. Make ready to sail. Let's be off."
"Do you think I'm a lesbian?"
"Well…I don't know…but when you make up your mind, I'll watch."
Jack surrenders the Pearl. Yes, you read that right.
Ara was quite cocky as she boarded the ship, but as soon as she saw the captain’s face she new he had only surrendered because he assumed she wouldn’t do anything. He thought that she was softer because she was female. When Jack saw the smirk fade from her face he began to worry, but he would never let it show. He kept his charming pirate smile firm.
Ara marched straight up to him. “‘Ello Sparrow,” she said loudly so that the whole crew could here. “So this is the Pearl-”
“You’ve seen ‘er before, luv.”
“Tha’s Cap’n Luv to you. You’ll be goin’ onta my ship. Jones, yer cap’n. Doyle, Emerson, Grummage, Keech, yer wiv me. You, you, you, and you,” she pointed to four of Jack’s crew including Anamaria. “And Mr. Gibbs.”
Jack admired the way she took control, but she was pissing him off. He grabbed her hand. “Look, Cap’n Luv,” he chuckled, “is this really all necessary? I mean, yer no’ really takin’ my Pearl?”
She smiled at him and grabbed one of his fingers, forcing it back. Jack was sweating, but didn’t show anything until his finger broke. He hastened to let go. “Don’t touch me again, Sparrow,” she said and walked off.
“Hey!” He called starting to step forward before remembering he had two relatively large men on either side of him. They grabbed him quickly. Jack also saw a gun pointed at him out of the corner of his eye. “Ara,” he called, sounding gentler. He chuckled. “Ara, luv, I’m no’ leavin’ my ship.”
“Sparrow,” Ara walked up to him again, one eyebrow raised, “you don’t have a choice.”
His eyes hardened as he turned to leave his beloved.
(For those of you slow ones his beloved is his ship aka the Pearl) The one thing in the entire fic that's actually right.
Me again.
Blame Gateway for my absence, thank Dell for my return.
True story: After my computer blew up and I was unable to report Sues any longer, I came to the conclusion that I needed a certain amount of absurdity in my life. So, I took to seeing bad movies for my daily idiocy fix. Van Helsing lasted me two weeks. Just saying.
On to the Sue. Let's see if I remember how.
TITLE: We Pillage We Plunder
CULPRIT: Ilirenelluithauren I'd pay money to hear someone pronounce that.
SUMMARY: "This chick just can't get away from Cap'n Sparrow. She slowly finds herself attracted to his spontaneous ways, as he is attracted to her sensible ones. A quick read right now, so just check it out."
BEST LINE: “Ah, Mr. Gibbs. Tortuga…well, doesn’ that sound like i’s righ’ out of a fan fiction. Tell me, does the Cap’n ever go anywhere else?” Wow. I didn't know they had fanfiction back then.
THE VERDICT
It's a short drop and a sudden stop for you.
NAME: Araminta
EYES: "deep brown eyes"
HAIR: "long brown hair, lightened from years in the sun, and grungy from salt air and lack of hygiene" I gave her a few points for the grungy part.
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: "Her Caribbean mother had given her a darker complexion than her father had"
OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: A ship called The Minta named after her.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: Some girl. I think she might have been a noblewoman once...or something. Honestly, I have no idea.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Guess. Go on. Guess.
SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: none
THE "PLOT": So, there's this chick. She killed her father and stole his ship. I guess because he was a drunk we're supposed to think he deserved it. Anyway, she's a big bad lady pirate, blah blah blah. There's a guy on her ship who likes her. She don't like him. He's angsting about this whore he used to like. Sue gets mad because he seems to have forgotten that everything is about her, as such his angst cannot compare to her angst. Then the Black Pearl shows up and she tells everyone to get ready for battle. We don't see the battle though since the next chapter opens with Sue waking up in captivity. She's, of course, in Jack's cabin. They get drunk. Sue insists that she can hold her rum better than he can. Since this is a Suefic, she's right. Mr. Gibbs comes to tall Jack that they're nearing Tortuga. The next chapter opens with Sue rowing to Tortuga after, presumably, having escaped. I wouldn't know, really, since the author doesn't feel the need to explain little details like this. Sue goes to a bar and some barmaid who happens to be her best friend rounds her up a crew in an hour. Sue doesn't like that crew so she goes to find her own. The way she goes about this seems to be by finding random men minding their own business snatching and destroying whatever they were concentrating on and telling them it would be better if they came and joined her crew. No, seriously. And none of them kill her, they just go along. She adds these poor souls to the other crew and realizes that they need a ship. The next day as Sue tries to decide whose ship she's going to steal Jack finds her because he's like stalking her or something. He buys her breakfast then disappears. Sue then goes onto some ship called the Tempest and has her crew kill its crew. Then someone randomly asks her if she's a lesbian at the end of the chapter. Maybe I'm just out of practice with this...but I was very confused. So, anyway, Sue decides to take the Pearl and Jack surrenders (!) apparently because he thinks she was just joking or something...even though he sunk her ship... Whatever. He doesn't want to leave and Sue breaks his finger and punks him. Then when she thinks he stole his map she punks him again, maroons him on an island, then promptly gets her new ship sunk and the Pearl taken.
NOTES: I sort of wonder if this person even likes Jack at all. COnsidering all she does is berate him and steal things from him, I'm forced to wonder. Or perhaps that's a special Sue way of indicating that one likes someone. Or perhaps this story is just really bad.
I'm thinking the last one. Also, the people in this story even think in those absurd letter dropping accents. I honestly didn't know what was going on half the time because I didn't feel like figuring out what the hell they were saying.
EXCERPT:
Sue goes around destroying other people's things as incentive to join her crew...or something.
An hour later Ara looked over her crew. “What ‘ave I ever done to you, mate?” she asked her friend. This crew was not only very small, but the men looked pretty sad. “I luv ya dove, but I think I’ll find my own crew this time.”
“Ya say that every time. Fine, get your own crew. But I’ll ‘old these men fer ya at the Sprite.”
“She’s right, ya know. I’ll be back,” she said to the nearest pirate. He looked a little frightened. “So ‘ard to find good pirates these days,” she muttered as she walked off.
Walking into another bar Ara glanced around. She saw the usual drunkards and whores, but she was looking for someone unusual…anyone unusual. There, she thought, a man brooding over ‘is alcohol instead of reveling in i’. That’s different a’ least.
She walked over to him, grabbed the bottle now moving toward his mouth, and threw it to the ground. It broke, of course, spilling its contents over the ground.
“What the ‘ell did ya do that for?” the man asked.
“You’ll break ou’ a yer misery if ya wallow in i’. I just saved you hours, maybe days of uselessness. What’s yer problem? No, neve’mind. I don’ really care. Now, ‘ow well can ya sail.”
“I wish I had some o’ whateve’ you’ve ‘ad, luv,” was his only replay.
Entering other bars, Ara went through the same process. In her third bar of the evening she saw a man in the corner near a fireplace reading a Bible. Well that jus’ needs to be stopped, she thought.
Walking over to him she took the Bible from his hands and chucked it into the fire. Before he could speak she said, “I’ll tell ya what I’ve jus’ done fer ya. I’ve saved you from an early death. Undoubtedly, the Bible would bring ya an early death, mate. Ya’d either go soft and get caught almost instantly, or ya’d jus’ kill yerself, cause inevitably the Bible will tell ya that yer goin’ ta Hell. Now, whatever yer problem is, i’ can be solved wiv summin like good ‘ard werk ta take yer mind off i’.” She patted him on the back and heaved him out of his chair. “Come on.”
She found about a dozen men this way, and with the crew Raphaela had for her that made around thirty. Now all we need is a ship.
Stolen ships and random accusations of lesbianism.
Ara scanned the various different ships at the docks of Tortuga. She had to choose between a ship of the fleet and a merchant ship. A merchant ship wouldn't draw as much attention, but a ship of the fleet could sometimes lull the navy into a false sense of security, allowing her to get closer, easier. She had tried fighting from a distance with absolutely no luck. Finally, she spotted a brig, two masts, about ninety-five feet long, and with a hundred-twenty foot high mainmast. It was a bit big, but she knew it had to be hers as soon as she saw it. On it's black side was painted the name The Tempest and the figurehead was of a billowing cloud with an intricately carved staff protruding from the top.
Ara signaled to her crew, who were waiting, spread inconspicuously among the growing crowd of pirates. Strolling down the docks, Ara got to the ship first. She walked casually up the gangplank, politely nodding to the bewildered crew at the top. It took them only a moment to recover however.
"'Ey you! Yer no' supposed to be 'ere. Unless…are ya 'ere ta see the captain."
"Ya could say that," Ara said dreamily, mysteriously. "But le' me tell ya a secret." Ara walked over to the pirate who had spoken and whispered, "I'm not 'ere ta sleep wiv 'im." She licked his ear and ran him through as her own crew ran aboard.
The fight was fast, but three of her men died, all three men Raphaela had picked out. Looking at them she said simply, "Oh well. Someone clean tha' up."
The captain had been killed, a captain Stephano from Italy, and soon after the crew had been defeated, the remaining men running off the ship.
"The ship is ours, gen'lemen. Make ready to sail. Let's be off."
"Do you think I'm a lesbian?"
"Well…I don't know…but when you make up your mind, I'll watch."
Jack surrenders the Pearl. Yes, you read that right.
Ara was quite cocky as she boarded the ship, but as soon as she saw the captain’s face she new he had only surrendered because he assumed she wouldn’t do anything. He thought that she was softer because she was female. When Jack saw the smirk fade from her face he began to worry, but he would never let it show. He kept his charming pirate smile firm.
Ara marched straight up to him. “‘Ello Sparrow,” she said loudly so that the whole crew could here. “So this is the Pearl-”
“You’ve seen ‘er before, luv.”
“Tha’s Cap’n Luv to you. You’ll be goin’ onta my ship. Jones, yer cap’n. Doyle, Emerson, Grummage, Keech, yer wiv me. You, you, you, and you,” she pointed to four of Jack’s crew including Anamaria. “And Mr. Gibbs.”
Jack admired the way she took control, but she was pissing him off. He grabbed her hand. “Look, Cap’n Luv,” he chuckled, “is this really all necessary? I mean, yer no’ really takin’ my Pearl?”
She smiled at him and grabbed one of his fingers, forcing it back. Jack was sweating, but didn’t show anything until his finger broke. He hastened to let go. “Don’t touch me again, Sparrow,” she said and walked off.
“Hey!” He called starting to step forward before remembering he had two relatively large men on either side of him. They grabbed him quickly. Jack also saw a gun pointed at him out of the corner of his eye. “Ara,” he called, sounding gentler. He chuckled. “Ara, luv, I’m no’ leavin’ my ship.”
“Sparrow,” Ara walked up to him again, one eyebrow raised, “you don’t have a choice.”
His eyes hardened as he turned to leave his beloved.
(For those of you slow ones his beloved is his ship aka the Pearl) The one thing in the entire fic that's actually right.